Thread for the Confused, New & other self-Explorers

[Phoenix Stone]

Noticed that we get a lot of 'I'm new, confused -- what am I?' -- type threads, and wondered if we could get one going that we could keep going, for folks to come back to.

The other type of newbie post seems to be my SO is into BDSM and wants me to be, or I'm into it and want my SO to be. We could keep that all on one thread, too, but I'm hoping to start something on self-exploration, as even the longtimers seem to go through changes and it could be helpful to learn how that happens. Your path is my path, or can be relevant.

(There's probably something like both of these in the library that I haven't found, which I'm sure someone will tell me if necessary. in the meanwhile....)

Will come back with an attempt at a succinct version of my story to get things started later, if this gets no takers.

Anyone want to share your confusion?

 

[Tom Foolery]

Hey Phoenix Stone,

I just found this interesting place last night and have not had a chance to really dig in yet. I jsut wanted to share that I am completely new to the BDSM scene and really just curious so far.

Not really had a good scenes yet - I think my girlfriend is not sure what she really wants yet. As for me, when I was a wee lad I thought that I was a sub. Then I sort of ran into a self-discovery that I am much more inclined towards the dom. It seems the older I get, the more domming (sp?) seems to appeal to me.

I am not a sadist but I think the idea of TPE is interesting and I am on the fence about how I would feel about pain as a switch. There are times when I can get into it but never anything too much.

Sorry if this to bland for the forum. Like I said not really sure what I want yet but I figured I would jump in with a quick introduction. Seems like a lot of nice people here - kind of ironic in a BDSM forum IMO.

I love hearing about how people got started in this. And if someone has developed a D/S personality star-trek like scanner let me know. I could use one of those.

-TF

 

[sadunai]

Just wanted to say:

Listen to others, but don't trust every word they say. Listen to your self, and trust in what you feel. Take any advise you can get, then judge those advises by your own standards. You are the only one that knows what is best for you.

Your kinks and fetishes isn't that strange/sick/odd as you think, there are others out there, you just haven't heard of them yet. Ok, so what if it is really unique? That's still not a bad thing. Non consensual is bad on the other hand.

If you expect other persons to think like you and act like you, they won't. If you keep an open mind you will meet other persons with open minds. (Once you have sorted out the narrow minded.) Even if you disagree with their kinks, there is no point in screaming eeeww at them. Really bad Karma. Next time someone will be screaming at you.

And, about SO's. Talk about it, figure it out together. Imformation kills twisted ideas from twisted words. Look it through, talk it through. If the bdsm don't work out, you make a choise. Love or kinky sex, wich is more important?


I'm young, I change all the time. It is confusing when there is sudden and big changes, but I trust myself, I trust that I'm still me no matter what. If I need a label and things are chaotic, I usually labelmyself "fucked up". That really motivates me to sort things out quicker. I also know that it is ok to change my mind. What I said 6 months ago doesn't have to be a fact today.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Just a quickie for now. One the that has helped me a lot is thinking about bdsm in terms of Control and Intensity (rather than whips and chains and latex.) Parsing out the types of bdsm such as enjoyment of humiliation (with, say, embarrassment, at the light end) was more useful to me than going thru those checklists one finds (sticks, yes, paddles, no), as they seem to be more about equipment and fetish than about underlying themes and interests.

For instance, it's been useful to think about whether limit testing (whatever the limit) has appeal, and while I didn't consider pain an interest of mine, when I'd read the term painslut or was asked on some checklist, realized through reading various threads here, that being bitten, especially on the neck, is sooooo Yes for me, hard as you like. And that Is pain, I suppose, and biting, therefore, is likely something that I'd welcome and transfer the taste elsewhere on my body. And that pain is about sensation and Intensity. Not the way I'd always thought of masochism.

More later.

 

[DarkEternal]

I guess I'm sorta new to the "scene" so to speak.

I've always been into it, but my SO is not, and really doesn't seem to want to get into it.

I like a woman to be assertive, which leads me to a desire to be a sub... maybe not a complete one, i.e. with leash and all, but I guess I want to be told what to do.

I have a strong leather and corset fetish, and want to be bitten. Since I can't really act out what I want in RL, is there any benefit to online sub/dom? I recall reading about it somewhere on here, that it can help.


I'm not sure if I'm moreso confused, or confusing in this post.

 

[Betticus]

Just a quickie for now. One the that has helped me a lot is thinking about bdsm in terms of Control and Intensity (rather than whips and chains and latex.) Parsing out the types of bdsm such as enjoyment of humiliation (with, say, embarrassment, at the light end) was more useful to me than going thru those checklists one finds (sticks, yes, paddles, no), as they seem to be more about equipment and fetish than about underlying themes and interests.

So the props and equipment are in essence tools to help you get into the mind of the sub moreso than would seem on the surface?

 

[bustyblondebombshell]

For me the props and equipment are sexual things, but a D/s relationship isnt, as with a vanilla relationship, all about sex. I find a lot of it is about mind control.

For me, a Dom is someone who is similar to a mentor - trying to expand my limits, and better myself. This can be sexual, and I like the sexual things a lot, but I also like a Dom to be older than me and someone I feel I can respect, a bit like a fatherly figure.

I feel like this is coming out all confused - I'm going to go away and think, and then post what I really mean when I have got it straight in my head.

See you soon.......

BBB x.

 

[goddessadorer]

BBBombshell :
I just want to say "hello" & let you know that I accepted your invitation to explore this area of the Literotica boards. Interesting so far. Of course, since I am philosophically an "Individualist Anarchist" (in the nonviolent tradition of Henry David Thoreau), I am not really comfortable with D/s terminology -- I tend to reject the notion of higher authority -- Malatesta expressed it along the lines of : "Just as I would do all within my power to avoid being a slave, so would I refuse the opportunity to be a master." However, I surmise that the D/s lifestyle in its less extreme forms involves a willingness to serve & a willingness to instruct -- so the "master" & "dom" terminology is more along the lines of colorful terminology not to be taken too literally. In that sense, since I am exhilarated by the notion of eagerly & adoringly serving (servicing) the Clit as a bodily temple (via cunnilingus), then, in a sense, I am being submissive. Does that make sense?

"goddessadorer"

I'm such an exhibitionist, that, upon death, my donated body can continue to exhibit itself to the medical school students (among whom I hope will be some attractive females who will handle me).

 

[Pure]

interesting thoughts, phoenix.

a concept i think is relevant--arousal--what makes your heart pound--from pain and the fear of it.

 

[shy slave]

BBB

For me the props and equipment are sexual things, but a D/s relationship isnt, as with a vanilla relationship, all about sex. I find a lot of it is about mind control.

For me, a Dom is someone who is similar to a mentor - trying to expand my limits, and better myself. This can be sexual, and I like the sexual things a lot, but I also like a Dom to be older than me and someone I feel I can respect, a bit like a fatherly figure.

I feel like this is coming out all confused - I'm going to go away and think, and then post what I really mean when I have got it straight in my head.

See you soon.......

BBB x.

Yep I understand this, I am this, confused or otherwise BBB it makes sense to me

 

[goddessadorer]

Shy Slave :

Since you're interested in spiritualism, mediums, ...etc... -- do you know anything about "lucid dreaming"? I read a book about it, but so far I haven't had much luck developing any skill at control of dream vividness or influencing dream content.

 

[Betticus]

Is it a misconception then with the general public that D/s relationships are limited to the sexual part only? Or would that even classify?

If you are dominant then you are dominant 24/7, that is just a personality trait. At least it is for me, I can't turn it off. I can hide it from the outside world for a short period of time if I have to but that is essentially being dominant yet sneaky in order to fool the nervous ones.

With submissives though, does it become much more important to hide your personality from the general public in order to avoid being stalked by assholes?

 

[bustyblondebombshell]

Is it a misconception then with the general public that D/s relationships are limited to the sexual part only? Or would that even classify?

If you are dominant then you are dominant 24/7, that is just a personality trait. At least it is for me, I can't turn it off. I can hide it from the outside world for a short period of time if I have to but that is essentially being dominant yet sneaky in order to fool the nervous ones.

With submissives though, does it become much more important to hide your personality from the general public in order to avoid being stalked by assholes?

Betticus.....

I feel like here in the UK, people are more closed minded. Even though there are large numbers of BDSMers, and Dominants and submissives, it is still something that is frowned upon in society. It is considered dirty and kinky - kinky isnt always a good thing - this may differ according to upbringing and region, but it is the way I was made to feel. This is why very few people know who or what I am. So yes, I do think it is a misconception, Dirty - sometimes, kinky - yes most of the time, but it extends so far out of the sexual realm as well. For a 24/7 submissive/slave, it is their entire life. The way you behave, the way you think, the things you do, your career etc. to some extent are all determined by this strong force of Dominance in your life. Sex is just a small part of what it means to be Dominant/Dominated - or it is to me anyway!

I am reasonably assertive in my vanilla life - but only because I have no one to answer to. In saying that, my first Master said that he wanted me to be assertive and somewhat aggressive with everyone except him - it gave him a power trip that he could reduce a self assured person to their knees for him and him alone. Each person in life is different and has different expectations about behaviour, this follows thru to our lifestyle too. So the way a submissive behaves is largely dependant on the expectations of their Dominant. However, an amount of assertiveness needs to be retained as no one really likes a doormat, or should I say its not good to be a doormat when you are without a Dominant - the wierdos attract to an un owned submissive like a magnet. Being assertive is being able to tell the wierdo to get lost....... (although it does sometimes take a Dominant to make you realise that the person you are talking to is a wierdo!! - you know what I mean)

I do think to some extent though that the behaviour of a Dominant or a submissive in their everyday life will show some characteristics of their persuasion, but it is not always evident to the untrained eye, and obvious to the lifestyler. But just because someone is shy or quiet, doesnt mean they are automatically submissive......

Does that make any sense at all this time???

(Thanks Shy, I knew someone would understand what I was trying to say last time!)

Well, I still need more thought............... I'm working on it!

BBB x.

 

[Xelebes]

I admit it, I'm damn new - no experience whatsoever but sure damn curious. Let's put in another damn to make that three for a pattern here.

Anyways, I've never really had any luck with girls in the first place (as is not so uncommon with men my age). I've been exploring slowly, seeing what turns me on, what doesn't. Latex and leather - no. Watersports and pain - yes. Just learning and browsing what this lifestyle offers and limits me to.

The basics.

 

[sunfox]

Betticus.....

I feel like here in the UK, people are more closed minded. Even though there are large numbers of BDSMers, and Dominants and submissives, it is still something that is frowned upon in society. It is considered dirty and kinky - kinky isnt always a good thing - this may differ according to upbringing and region, but it is the way I was made to feel. This is why very few people know who or what I am. So yes, I do think it is a misconception, Dirty - sometimes, kinky - yes most of the time, but it extends so far out of the sexual realm as well. For a 24/7 submissive/slave, it is their entire life. The way you behave, the way you think, the things you do, your career etc. to some extent are all determined by this strong force of Dominance in your life. Sex is just a small part of what it means to be Dominant/Dominated - or it is to me anyway!

I agree with this completely.. I do think it's a misconception that BDSM is all about kinky sex. Hey, I'm not knocking the kinky sex.. but being Dominant or being submissive, I agree, is simply the way you are, regardless of whether or not you're currently tying someone up/tied up, etc.

I am reasonably assertive in my vanilla life - but only because I have no one to answer to. In saying that, my first Master said that he wanted me to be assertive and somewhat aggressive with everyone except him - it gave him a power trip that he could reduce a self assured person to their knees for him and him alone. Each person in life is different and has different expectations about behaviour, this follows thru to our lifestyle too. So the way a submissive behaves is largely dependant on the expectations of their Dominant. However, an amount of assertiveness needs to be retained as no one really likes a doormat, or should I say its not good to be a doormat when you are without a Dominant - the wierdos attract to an un owned submissive like a magnet. Being assertive is being able to tell the wierdo to get lost....... (although it does sometimes take a Dominant to make you realise that the person you are talking to is a wierdo!! - you know what I mean)

I do think to some extent though that the behaviour of a Dominant or a submissive in their everyday life will show some characteristics of their persuasion, but it is not always evident to the untrained eye, and obvious to the lifestyler. But just because someone is shy or quiet, doesnt mean they are automatically submissive......

Does that make any sense at all this time???

(Thanks Shy, I knew someone would understand what I was trying to say last time!)

Well, I still need more thought............... I'm working on it!

BBB x.

I agree particularly with the last paragraph here, that we do tend to show characteristics of our deeper personality, regardless of being assertive or not naturally. I am an extremely assertive person, with a strong personality. I can be annoyingly organizational, and rather controlling of situations. But I only do that in situations where no one else will offer solutions, which is something few people notice. The moment someone else speaks up, I'm happy to fall back and just support.

As BBB says, everyone is different, and there is no infallible 'subdar' or 'domdar' way to divine a person's leanings. The best way to find out is to be observant, and get to know people.

 

[goddessadorer]

Seraglio

Sunfox :

Since you designate "in the seraglio" as your "location," may I infer that you are familiar with Mozart's opera, "The Abduction from the Seraglio?"

The worshipful "goddessadorer" (exhibitionist extraordinaire)

 

[sunfox]

Re: Seraglio

Sunfox :

Since you designate "in the seraglio" as your "location," may I infer that you are familiar with Mozart's opera, "The Abduction from the Seraglio?"

The worshipful "goddessadorer" (exhibitionist extraordinaire)

[hijack] I've not seen it performed, but yes, I'm familiar with it. It's not really an opera though.. most of the dialogue is spoken.

[/hijack, so Phoenix doesn't smack me around. Too much. ]

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Re: Re: Seraglio

[hijack] I've not seen it performed, but yes, I'm familiar with it. It's not really an opera though.. most of the dialogue is spoken.

[/hijack, so Phoenix doesn't smack me around. Too much. ]

Thank you kindly! And since you were so nice and asked politely:

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/smack.gif

Blowing you a for your owie. (See? I'm learning from all these thoughtful doms, like Mr.Blonde, about aftercare.) And, while it's hard not to make an exception in your case, that's the last time anyone will see me kissing ass around here for a Loooooong time!

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Hey Phoenix Stone,

I just found this interesting place last night and have not had a chance to really dig in yet. I jsut wanted to share that I am completely new to the BDSM scene and really just curious so far.

Not really had a good scenes yet - I think my girlfriend is not sure what she really wants yet. As for me, when I was a wee lad I thought that I was a sub. Then I sort of ran into a self-discovery that I am much more inclined towards the dom. It seems the older I get, the more domming (sp?) seems to appeal to me.

I am not a sadist but I think the idea of TPE is interesting and I am on the fence about how I would feel about pain as a switch. There are times when I can get into it but never anything too much.

Sorry if this to bland for the forum. Like I said not really sure what I want yet but I figured I would jump in with a quick introduction. Seems like a lot of nice people here - kind of ironic in a BDSM forum IMO.

I love hearing about how people got started in this. And if someone has developed a D/S personality star-trek like scanner let me know. I could use one of those.

-TF

Wow! Just noticed that this is your first post on Literotica! Congratulations, you're a literotican!

Not too bland for the forum. It is what it is and we are what we are. We each bring what we are here and ask for what we want. Sorry to go so zen-like on your ass, i just recall having the same worry myself. If someone wants more extreme stuff they can post about it too, and they do. Especially at the beginning it might even be pretty unusual to jump right into to the deep end.

Nice to meet you. Are you wishing for the scanner to figure yourself out, or others? Lots of folks here discussing wishing they had domdar and subdar. As to yourself, while there are those checklists, they didn't really help me much. But if you look in the library you will find references to them. What doesn't help me, might help you. That's another great reason for sharing.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

So the props and equipment are in essence tools to help you get into the mind of the sub moreso than would seem on the surface?

Seems like some folks have a fetish, an attraction to the object (though it seems this can be stimulated through, as some have mentioned elsewhere -- Netzach? -- association, like Pavlov teaching his dogs to salivate at the ringing of a bell.) But for most it does seem more like the tools are props to get into the mindset. Or tools for use -- to control or whatever -- in ways that are more powerful than without. Ropes restrain better than hands. There can also be a lot of attachment to ritual and tools usedfor this.

For me, thinking about the props, the equipment, the costumes was a distraction or red herring. I resisted the idea of bdsm, even when several people on another forum suggested it as seeming like a good fit, because of my associations around those very props. The stereotypes, the movies, all seemed sort of sinister and silly at the same time. Its what was underneath that interests me. Control, force, submitting, mind games -- things that can be hard to show in pictures without the props. It's what it feels like that I needed to know, and the connection to other, very mild things I'd already done that inevitably drew me. And all night makeout session when i was a teen which ended with my neck covered in hickies. Man could that boy suck. What it felt like the first time I admitted outloud (well, online) the need to serve. Humiliating, yet deeply truthful and satisfying.

going off on a riff like this really helps me think this through. I hope it helps you all, or that at least you don't mind.

the other thing I'd really like to do here is offer up things we tried that helped, forks in the road where we recognized change.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Since I can't really act out what I want in RL, is there any benefit to online sub/dom? I recall reading about it somewhere on here, that it can help.


I'm not sure if I'm moreso confused, or confusing in this post.

Not confusing. There is another thread if you scroll down or check the next page about online relationships. From the little I've seen people say, it sounds like it's helpful to most who are just beginning, to put their toes in the water, etc. Or as a substitute if they can't do it in real life. I guess it depends on what you want out of it. Have you talked with your SO about this? What she'd feel comfortable with? There is also a good site by a femmedom that has a page, below, for women on how to find your Inner Domme. Maybe it could help your SO consider it?

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

 

[goddessadorer]

Opera

Sunfox :

You mention that Mozart's 'The Abduction from the Seraglio" is not really an opera because it contains stretches of spoken dialogue. In Mozart's case, his "Seraglio" & his "The Magic Flute" fall into a sub-genre of opera called Singspiel in German, or "music drama" in general. Even the original version of Bizet's "Carmen" falls into this category. As an opera fan of long standing, and as a participant in the Opera Forum on the New York Times website, I can assure you that these classics are all regarded as operas by opera fans -- the fact that they contain passages of spoken dialogue is considered a merely minor distinction -- they usually are simply called "operas" (they sure ain't Broadway musicals). Often even the Gilbert & Sullivan "Operettas" are simply called "operas" or "light operas." If somone or some textbook ever told you you that spoken dialogue involves an important genre distinction, then what you were told was 100 years out-of-date -- in the modern tradition, "opera" includes theatre works with passages of spoken dialogue. Just thought you'd like to know ...

goddessadorer

 

[Betticus]

Seems like some folks have a fetish, an attraction to the object (though it seems this can be stimulated through, as some have mentioned elsewhere -- Netzach? -- association, like Pavlov teaching his dogs to salivate at the ringing of a bell.) But for most it does seem more like the tools are props to get into the mindset. Or tools for use -- to control or whatever -- in ways that are more powerful than without. Ropes restrain better than hands. There can also be a lot of attachment to ritual and tools usedfor this.

I'm thinking more along the lines of no ropes, no props. Setting and mood and lighting and sound is all. The sound of my voice, calm and clear. She will close her eyes because I tell her to. She will lie prone with her arms stretched out before her because I tell her to. She will stay that way because I want her to. Not knowing what is happening, what I am doing, thinking. Will I caress her with my breath as I talk to her. Will I make her feel pain or pleasure or both.

Something more like pure psychological control without props or bindings. The only thing keeping her bound being her own mind, her trust, need.

What would something like that be called?

 

[bound]

I'm thinking more along the lines of no ropes, no props. Setting and mood and lighting and sound is all. The sound of my voice, calm and clear. She will close her eyes because I tell her to. She will lie prone with her arms stretched out before her because I tell her to. She will stay that way because I want her to. Not knowing what is happening, what I am doing, thinking. Will I caress her with my breath as I talk to her. Will I make her feel pain or pleasure or both.

Something more like pure psychological control without props or bindings. The only thing keeping her bound being her own mind, her trust, need.

What would something like that be called?

Mental bondage, my Master uses it on me all the time. *swoon*

We're both very into the psychological aspects of domination, more than the physical. It helps us connect in a deeper way I think. Certainly not knocking the ropes and chains, we use those too and love them but it's a very heady feeling to do without.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

What would something like that be called?

Uh, in my case that would be called exactly what I'm looking for.

But if your looking for a label, probably D/S. And depending on how you use it, probably something like Mind Games, what I call Mind Fuck (not to be confused with what Pure has been calling Actual Mind Fuck.) It's been hard to find much info here or anywhere on that level of bdsm. There is Mind Control, but that usually refers more to things like hypnotism or drugging someone being involved. Hmm, I spent a lot of time using the search function here and wracking my bring to think of terms it might fall under so I could learn more. Would Certainly love to discuss the topic more! (How it's done, ways to enhance, possible elements, whatever.)