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[Baztrachian]

Putin’s car was racing along a back road, as he was late for a tryst.
The car came around a corner and hit a hog in the middle of the road,
killing it. He told the chauffeur to stop, saying,

‘That hog was probably the farmers food for this winter. Go up to the
farmhouse on the hill and tell him that you killed it.’

So the chauffeur heaves himself out of the sedan and trudges up the
hill to the farm house, goes in and doesn’t come back for an hour. He
gets back in the driver’s seat totally drunk and reeking of vodka.

Putin asks where the heck he has been and what took so long. The driver
says he went in and the farmer set him down and got him drunk and
offered food aplenty. Then, the farmer’s daughter came out and enticed the driver into her room where he received pleasures untold.

Putin asked, ‘Exactly, what did you say to the farmer?’

The driver said, ‘I told him, ‘I am Putin’s chauffeur and I just killed the pig.”

 

[Baztrachian]

“Hey, Yuri, did you hear we’re at war with NATO!”

“Astounding, Ivan, how are we doing?”

“We’ve lost 80,000 men, the storied 1st Guards Tank Army has been wiped out, more than 1,000 of our latest tanks are burned out hulks, we have to get old T62s out of storage to stay in the war, we’ve lost more generals in war than any nation ever, our flag ship is at the bottom of the Black Sea, we’re losing airbases hundreds of kilometers behind lines, land it took us 3 months to take was taken back from us in 3 days, our fleet has retreated from Sevastopol, and we can’t come within 300 kilometers of Ukraine’s coast without getting one of our few remaining warships blown up!”

“That’s terrible, Ivan! How is NATO doing?”

“Oh, they haven’t even started to fight.”

 

[Baztrachian]

Vladimir Putin Visits a School One Day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says:

“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”

Putin: “go ahead”

Sasha: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? And why haven’t we won the war yet?”

At that moment the bell rang and everyone went to lunch.
At the end of lunch the Q&A continued and another kid stood up

“My name is Boris and I have four questions”

Putin: “Yes?”

Boris: “Why did Russia invade Ukraine? Why haven’t we won the war yet? Why was the lunch bell 20 minutes early and where is Sasha?”

 

[Baztrachian]

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

"I'd like a room on the first floor, please."

 

[Baztrachian]

Jokes about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

 

[Baztrachian]

Every day in Moscow, same. Man buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

 

[Baztrachian]

An American, a Mexican, an Englishman, and a Russian survive an airplane crash and wash up on a deserted island.

One day the group finds a bottle, opens it, and POOF!! out pops a genie!

The Genie says to the four men, “For saving me from the bottle I will grant each of you one wish!”

The American says, “I wish for a luxury yacht we can use to get home!”

POOF! A yacht magically appears.

The Mexican says, “I wish for a nice hacienda in Cabo where I can have my new friends come to visit!”

The genie assures him it is so.

The Englishman says, “I wish for Queen Elizabeth the Second to come back and rule England!”

The genie assures him it is so.

The Russian says, “Screw them! I wish they had none of it!”

 

[Baztrachian]

Vladimir’s Putin’s plan for the new economy. The goal? Make people rich and happy. (List of people attached.)

 

[Baztrachian]

A Russian man walks into a shoe shop. He says: “Give me a pair of shoes, please.”

“Certainly, sir, what size?”

“I wear a 10 but I’ll take a five.”

“Why, sir? Are they for someone else?”

“Oh, they’re for me. They’ll be too tight but when I take them off, it’ll be the one moment of pleasure I experience all day.”

 

[Baztrachian]

A Russian woman walking in Moscow is carrying a bag full of rolls of toilet paper.

A passer-by opens his mouth, "Hey, mother, where did you buy it?"

"Buy? Are you crazy? Where could I buy it nowadays? They are five years old. I am taking them back from the cleaners."

 

[Baztrachian]

A Russian judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing loudly. A colleague asks, "What is it you laugh about?"

"Ah, I just heard an excellent anecdote about Putin," the judge says, sweeping tears of laughter.

"An anecdote about Putin? Tell me!"

"Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to ten years for that anecdote."

 

[Baztrachian]

The year is 2040. In Moscow, a young boy asks, "Grandpa, what is a line?"

"You see, some twenty years back, there was not enough meat in stores, so people had to form long queues at the stores' entrances and wait hoping some meat would appear on sale. That was called a line. Did you get it?"

"Yes, Grandpa. And what is meat?"

 

[Baztrachian]

A competition for the best Putin joke has been announced.

First prize: twenty five years; second prize: twenty years, and two condolence prizes: fifteen years each.

 

[Baztrachian]

In a Russian prison, two inmates share their experience.

"What did they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the Kremlin to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."

 

[Baztrachian]

A woman walks into a Moscow food store. "Do you have any meat?"

"No, we don't."

"What about eggs?"

"We only deal with meat. Across the street there is the store where they have no eggs."

 

[Baztrachian]

Putin summoned Shoigu and said, "I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."

"Why?"

"I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all."

"No, I've not told anybody this joke."

 

[kreemi_pi]

STANDING OVATION !!!!!

 

[tugger1987]

thought i had stumbled into the dad joke thread for a moment

 

[Statius]

STANDING OVATION !!!!!

Since you deleted this thread it's gotten a ton of attention. Kinda funny

 

[kreemi_pi]

thought i had stumbled into the dad joke thread for a moment

Dead Thread, Dad Jokez

 

[kreemi_pi]

Since you deleted this thread it's gotten a ton of attention. Kinda funny

Right?

People couldn't resist I guess.

 

[kreemi_pi]

Since you deleted this thread it's gotten a ton of attention. Kinda funny

It all started with one intrepid explorer daring to inquire, "Was it about boobs?"

 

[tugger1987]

It all started with one intrepid explorer daring to inquire, "Was it about boobs?"

i think boobs may have been mentioned, then i was driven by wanting to make 100 really fast ha

 

[Statius]

It all started with one intrepid explorer daring to inquire, "Was it about boobs?"

Gets a guy every time. Advertise boobs you can sell the Golden Gate bridge

 

[tugger1987]

i think boobs may have been mentioned, then i was driven by wanting to make 100 really fast ha

and now were well on our way to the 1000