Thoughts on this poem?

[Guest]

I wrote this poem for someone special.....

I hope if you choose to read it, you'll see why.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72722

I remain,

 

[Guest]

It's beautiful - and you must love her very much! Thanks for sharing.

 

[littlekateyes]

It is a very stunning poem; yes you can see why you love this person. Thank you so much for sharing this.

 

[Angeline]

But Beautiful!

Last night while I painted you

Thesandman

Before I even touched you
I painted a picture of you in my mind.
The canvas was soft...pure
Just as you were

The lines I drew
Followed the curves of your soul
My brush was fine, light...caressing
Just as my eyes caressed, seeing your perfection

As the image of your flesh burned into my thoughts
I saw the beauty of the portrait that was you
Lying there beneath me, below me as though I was floating
Painting you...painting you with my heart, my mind...my flesh

Finally touching, my strokes initially erratic...
Nervousness, excitement, arousal...all the colors of emotion
Blending finally together
Painting you, painting what I saw, felt...came to know

In the only way that I could
Together, becoming the canvas
Becoming the image, two bodies touching
Flesh alive, melding together in ecstasy.

You were, are....
A masterpiece

This really is a lovely piece of writing. By way of critique, there are a few things I might have done differently (for example, much as I love them in prose I don't like ellipsis marks in poems). There are a few other things that might tighten it up some (just an idea--if you're inclined to revise at this point let me know and I'll send you my suggestions). I would not want to do anything though to disrupt the thoughtful, dreamy quality of your writer's voice in this poem or the lovely ambiguity that shifts back and forth between art and erotica.

Uh-huh. If I were the recipient, I'd be in major swoon over your poem. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[WickedEve]

Very romantic poem to send to a lover, though I do agree with Angeline about the ellipsis. Maybe you can place the word/s that follow an ellipsis on another line so you can still show a slight pause.

 

[Guest]

I'd be honored........

Would love to see it as you would revise or recommend it to flow gang.

Poetry isn't my #1 talent, and to be truthful...there is a lot that I don't know about formating a poem to make it flow smoothly as you would say...

So any and ALL help is (would be) appreciated!

Thanks Wicked...Angeline...Sweetsub....littlekateyes

I remain,

 

[Rybka]

Might I Suggest . . . (Hee, Hee!)

Might I suggest in all good will, some alterations like this:

Before I even touched you
I painted a picture (of you - redundant) in my mind.
The canvas was soft...(try "and")pure
Just as you were (How about the present tense? Is she no longer soft and pure?)

The lines I drew
Followed the curves of your soul
My brush was fine, light(... Again, avoid ellipsis in poetry if at all possible) caressing
Just as my eyes caressed, seeing your perfection

As the image of your flesh burned into my thoughts
I saw the beauty of the portrait that was you
Lying there beneath me, below me as though I (was - should be "were") floating
Painting you(... ellipsis again) painting you with my heart, my mind(... ditto or tritto) my flesh

Finally touching, my strokes initially erratic(... loose all of these things!)
Nervousness, excitement, arousal(... Again!?) all the colors of emotion
Blending finally together
Painting you, painting what I saw, felt(... Enough is Enough!) came to know

In the only way that I could
Together, becoming the canvas
Becoming the image, two bodies touching
Flesh alive, melding together in ecstasy.

You were, are(.... Yeech!)
A masterpiece (the artist creates the masterpiece, not the subject. Try "A masterpiece to me" or maybe "My masterpiece.)

These are just technical suggestions,

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Rybka]

One I missed

"As the image of your flesh burned into my thoughts
I saw the beauty of the portrait that was you
Lying there beneath me,"

"lying" = "falsifying"

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Guest]

LOL..........

Thank's Rybka....yes, much better!

And now you see why I don't write a lot of poetry!

I remain, (not a poet)........

 

[MyOpinion]

Thesandman wrote:
And now you see why I don't write a lot of poetry!

Nothing Gets Nothing
By Corbett Buckley

To choose nothing
is to restrain
What could possibly
be of gain
Seek you fortune
Seek you fame
To choose nothing
is utter shame.

=========
Or, as the song says:
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
You gotta have something
If a poet you start to be!

(Ok, so I paraphrased that last line -hehehe)

Want it another way? Then let me ask you, in my best Rocky voice, "Yeah, well, I'll bet you're the type of guy who rode his bike the first try, huh?"

PS - I did read your poem and I did enjoy its imagery. You must be doing something right if you get posts like sweetsubsarah's and littlekateyes' and Angeline's as well as Rybka's.

Have I convinced you to DO more poetry?

 

[Dirt Man]

Nice poem

However I think the last stanza is redundant at best for the rest of the poem is the painting itself.

As Always
I Am the
Dirt Man

 

[KillerMuffin]

You should write more poetry, sandman. It will teach you so much about manipulating word-pictures.

One of the most important parts of poetry--most of it at least--is imagery. You don't want evoke just a concept of the poem in the person, you want to evoke a picture, an association.

Look at this poem by James Broughton:

Resume

I pray every night to wake up crazier
If my balmy days last I may end as I began
a dreamysmile Buddhafaced son of a gunman
from way out west where the sunny boys come from


Now, look at the third line. This is an image that he's putting into your head. It's a very powerful one because in one line Broughton just told you his life's story.

"dreamysmile" "Buddhafaced" and "gunman"

The three just don't work together, but when you combine them they form a very powerful image.

Dreamysmile - put together this makes me think of a happy drunk. Dreamy is a vacuous word to me, it's slang for good-looking, it doesn't really actually mean anything on it's own.

Buddhafaced - I think of the various Buddhas I see in shrines of some of the Asian stores I vist. Round and generally thoughtful. He smiles, too, Buddha does. But dreamily? Buddha put out that the human condition was suffering and to attain enlightenment, Nirvana, you had to break the chain of suffering. Which he had done.

gunman - This is a violent word. A harsh one, not in sound, but in meaning. Worse in connotation. It's hard to put it together with a dreamysmile or the uber-pacifistic Buddha.

a dreamysmile Buddhafaced son of a gunman

Can you see his childhood in this one line? What would it look like?



Now, to your poem. It's a good poem. It does, however, lack distinction or voice. I intend no offense, however, it felt more like an x-rated greeting card than a poem. It was very prosey in feel (something I have incredible trouble with myself) and while the sentiment was sound and made me smile, it didn't have anything beneath the surface to distinguish it.

What I'd like to see is you manipulating the words to create images that have deeper meaning. Not just the sentimental meaning, but something that speaks to me.

 

[MyOpinion]

God I love Football

LOL!

Monday night football will never be the same, subsarah!

 

[Guest]

Re: God I love Football

LOL!

Monday night football will never be the same, subsarah!

*grin* Thank you!!

Well, I don't like to brag . . . but it hasn't been the same for us for a looong time!

 

[hesafreak]

i laughed to myself cuz i thought it was gonna suck cuz but that was fucking beautiful. I really was moved by that and i hope you dont mind but i copied and sent it to my girl. I told her i didnt write it but i didnt tell her i got it off of a erotic message board site lol. again though that was very good.

 

[Mindyvixen]

Beautiful.....

 

[paganangel]

hey, what do i know about poetry? i just know iwrite it for me. it let's me know where i was when i wrote it. sometimes poetry lets people know how not alone they are.



how's this for coincidence?

i feel so unoriginal!

 

[Guest]

Personally I very much enjoyed this particular poem. It brings back some good memories.

 

[Guest]

Freehawk!!!!!!!!!

Kisses baby!

Ah yeah......grinning like a chesirecat!

I remain,

 

[Guest]

Really? Why?

 

[Guest]

LOL........

You really want me to kiss & tell here on the boards? LOL......

 

[Guest]

So you kiss and tell huh? So tell me something sweet!

 

[Guest]

Something sweet?

Like maybe I bet you taste like candy?

 

[Guest]

That's for me to know and you to find out.

 

[Guest]

New record holder says:

<E.W.G>