Thoughts on friends with benifits.....

[Jagged]

I ahve had many relationships with very nice women that I would never marry or even really like to date in the same traditional way. So I have come to the conclusion that friends + is a good thing if done right.

Many say they have friends with benifits but that is not the case. More times then not at least one person in the relationship thinks its more then sex or is there hoping it will turn into more then sex. Feelings are not expressed and things are anything but friendly.

So here are my thoughts on the matter......

1. Friends with benifits means....... Being true friends. Talk to each other, share and respect each other. Yes they are someone you have sex with but do other things. Hang out shoot, pool, and have dinner. But as friends. If you find yourselves in bed at the end of the night that is no different if you ended up watching videos or working out at the gym.

2. Be safe and talk...... I shouldn't have to lecture on birth control and safe sex but seems many are still not getting it. This is your friend and you want them to be safe. So have frank open conversations about safe sex and being safe. If either of you stray from this friendship you absolutely have to tell the other. I had an agreement with an exgirlfriend of mine during a long distance relationship. Basically you sleep with someone else you tell me.....because she was just using birthcontrol when we had sex. She chose to break up with me and lie since she started to sleep with another man after moving in with him. Wish she could have been more honest, but she didn't expose me to anything either. That I will be grateful for....not breaking my heart.

3.I love you........you don't love me. Well my story ties well into this next point. One person thinks it is sex with no strings. The other thinks it is true love. You have feelings sit down and talk about it. Don't lie or mislead. If you want to have children with this person tell them.....you want to marry her let he know. It risks ending everything and possibly putting an end to great sex, but you will know where you stand in a relationship.



Basically I think communication is the most important thing like in any relationship. Even if your both together because you connect on a fantasy level or just on a pure sexual level. Friends with benifits means friends who have sex and friends deserve better. So please add your thoughts. I am no relationship expert and I doubt anyone is but I would like to know peoples thoughts on this topic.

 

[bulldog13654]

im sure every guy would love to have this, but its never just "sex and no strings". it might be great for a month or two but eventually one of the two will start to get feelings and will be afraid to share it.

your either just friends or date.

 

[LadyJeanne]

im sure every guy would love to have this, but its never just "sex and no strings". it might be great for a month or two but eventually one of the two will start to get feelings and will be afraid to share it.

your either just friends or date.

I tend to agree with this. I've heard of people who have fuck buddies and friends with benefits, and maybe it does work for them. But I have a sneaking suspicioun that one or the other is actually into the other person, or develops a love interest in them after a while.

Personally, I'm at a place in life where sex isn't just a physical craving that I need to assuage. I see sex as belonging to and enhancing a loving relationship. I'd rather go without it than to have sex with someone I don't feel romantic about.

 

[Tele2047]

I'm a guy, i'm 18, I don't want sex just for the physical side of it. To me, sex is just so much better with someone you actually care for, so friends with benefits are out for me.

 

[Leviluv]

I'm a guy, i'm 18, I don't want sex just for the physical side of it. To me, sex is just so much better with someone you actually care for, so friends with benefits are out for me.

A young man with excellent morals.

 

[Râleclins]

Hi Jagged, it's rare to see you on the HT, as rare as seeing me in the Online Roleplaying now.

I've lived two related situations. Once, the "friends with benefits" situation was a kind of compromise between what I wanted (which was dating, kissing, feelings and sex) and what she wanted. (which was, well, friendship and hugs) I got into it believing that I could help her change her mind, which was foolish. Moreover, I now know that she was in a bit of a sad period at the time.
As you can expect, we both got hurt, especially her. So, I'll be avoiding too many compromises in the future.

On the other hand, I once had a nice and short friend-with-benefits relationship with a friend I was visiting in another country. Maybe it's because we both knew from the beginning (and told each other) that nothing serious could come out of it, at least because of the huge distance between us ; but it looks like it ended well, and we're good friends.

 

[Jagged]

As I said with the thread for prostitution......love and caring makes things better. But you can care about your friends very much. Sex is fun and for me the random hook up has no appeal........being with a friend over and over again does. But as all have noted someone begins to feel something else during this period of time. Not necessarily the woman either. I started this thread to find out points of view and I am hearing very much the same thinking.....

 

[Râleclins]

As I said with the thread for prostitution......love and caring makes things better. But you can care about your friends very much. Sex is fun and for me the random hook up has no appeal........being with a friend over and over again does. But as all have noted someone begins to feel something else during this period of time. Not necessarily the woman either. I started this thread to find out points of view and I am hearing very much the same thinking.....

Yes exactly... But even a lot of caring will not really help when one is falling in love and the other isn't. Lack of communication and common sense can ruin the best relationships.

 

[Batman4ever71]

I concur!!

I tried the whole "friends with beniees" thing before and like most of you have previously stated, there was not a "no strings attatched" relationship. Personally, I have a very hard time dissociating head and heart. I have to care about someone deeply before taking them into bed.

IMHO, making love is not just the meeting of two aroused bodies. I believe it's the meeting of two aroused minds, two aroused bodies and two aroused spirits. Pardon my language, but fucking just for the sake of fucking is deffinately not for me.

I think that's worth 3 cents,
Batman

 

[RuReal]

I have to agree with all of you it does not work. I was once in a situation that was supposed to be a friends +. Friend + never seems to work out that way she started getting attached I started caring it changed before I realized it!

I was in a situation I did not want for fear of causing her pain it took a while to get out of that and I learned a lot from it.

Rule Number 1 always stick to the rules you lay out!

Real

 

[LadyJeanne]

I have to agree with all of you it does not work. I was once in a situation that was supposed to be a friends +. Friend + never seems to work out that way she started getting attached I started caring it changed before I realized it!

I was in a situation I did not want for fear of causing her pain it took a while to get out of that and I learned a lot from it.

Rule Number 1 always stick to the rules you lay out!

Real

Hmm. Question: If she started getting attached and you started caring, why didn't you continue the relationship as a romantic one?


General question: Does friends with benefits ever turn into a mutual love relationship? Or does friends with benefits only happen if at least one of the people is firmly not interested in taking it to the next level?

 

[RuReal]

Hmm. Question: If she started getting attached and you started caring, why didn't you continue the relationship as a romantic one?


General question: Does friends with benefits ever turn into a mutual love relationship? Or does friends with benefits only happen if at least one of the people is firmly not interested in taking it to the next level?

I cared for her as a friend as in I did not want to hurt her. I really was not interested in things going as far as they did. I knew it would not work out and that was roughly what happened.

 

[canuckchick]

I disagree...

I have had a friend with benefits for several years...neither of us is interested in any type of love/date relationship. It works well provided you have two people interested in the same things...hard to find but definatly do-able.

We never really stated any rules we just sort of understand each other in that respect.

Neither of us has any issue separating body from heart and there are truely no strings.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I have had a friend with benefits for several years...neither of us is interested in any type of love/date relationship. It works well provided you have two people interested in the same things...hard to find but definatly do-able.

We never really stated any rules we just sort of understand each other in that respect.

Neither of us has any issue separating body from heart and there are truely no strings.

What happens to the friends with benefits when one of you meets someone else and starts dating/having sex with the love interest? Do you stop the friends + relationship or keep doing it? If you stop, then do you start back up again when you're both single again?

 

[four]

What happens to the friends with benefits when one of you meets someone else and starts dating/having sex with the love interest? Do you stop the friends + relationship or keep doing it? If you stop, then do you start back up again when you're both single again?

Yeah basically. My best friend is a friend with benefits. weve had sex weve done alot of things, but if she is with a guy i respect that bond between them, as she respects my bond with a woman. Were really open around eachother, she can change infront of me or we can talk about various things including sex. and niether of us get jealous of eachother. We have a very unique and healthy relationship. the secret is that our friendship comes before the "benefits" part. its not about sex, its about us, and sometimes about the physical stuff.

 

[canuckchick]

What happens to the friends with benefits when one of you meets someone else and starts dating/having sex with the love interest? Do you stop the friends + relationship or keep doing it? If you stop, then do you start back up again when you're both single again?

Benefits have always only been extended when both of us are single.

i had to edit to add this...

it isnt completly acurate to say that we have only extended benefits when single...we have always been single...neither of us dates other people...because that isnt what either of us wants. We are not best friend...i wouldnt even really say we are good friends...we are just friends...with benefits.

That is why we work so well...i have absolutly no interest in dating / marrying/ falling in love or anything of the like...and although i know that one day he would be interested in that...that isnt a road the two of us would ever explore together and neither of us has ever pretended it was.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Yeah basically. My best friend is a friend with benefits. weve had sex weve done alot of things, but if she is with a guy i respect that bond between them, as she respects my bond with a woman. Were really open around eachother, she can change infront of me or we can talk about various things including sex. and niether of us get jealous of eachother. We have a very unique and healthy relationship. the secret is that our friendship comes before the "benefits" part. its not about sex, its about us, and sometimes about the physical stuff.

This is where I get lost with the friends with benefits thing. With such a great relationship, why wouldn't you consider being with each other as friends, lovers, love interests, everything? You obviously have a long-term emotional bond, you love having sex together, you get along really well, you're intimate with each other about your thoughts, feelings, and bodies...what's the part that's missing for it to be 'in love'? What do you get out of those other relationships that you don't get with your friend?

 

[Cathleen]

Interesting discussion. I'm still unsettled about the idea. At one time I had met someone (from the Internet), who lived nearby and we talked about a friends with benefits or a fuck buddy situation. We discussed both ideas as separate relationships and I do think there is a difference. We both figured out what we were looking for was actually a cross between the two.

We tried but it didn't take (for lack of a better phrase lol). I wasn't attracted to him physically enough to continue to try. I thought a lot about the idea after that though. While I'm a bit unsettled on the idea, I don't think I can have casual sex. (I'm over 40 and I never have had a one night stand.) I have to have some feelings, not just physical attraction, but a caring for the man.

My best friend is a man, we've known each other fifteen years. We talked about this when I was in my mid thirties... I think I was wondering if I wanted to have a child. Most people just figured we were a couple, we did almost everything together, etc. We appeared to be a couple in many ways but physically. We considered it, talked about it - the pros and cons - and decided together that we made better friends then we would lovers.

The idea still has a certain intrigue for me though. I suspect if I met someone it might be a possibility. I'm not looking to get married or live with someone but some companionship, including some physical aspects would be nice.

 

[canuckchick]

I am not sure that it would work for us if either of us were looking for anything more then casual sex. I think when people are looking for more is when it starts to get complicated. As i said in my original post i think both people have to know and be interested in the same type of relationship.

I do think that this relationship is not for everyone, but if this is the type of relationship you are looking into i think you both need to be sure that this is all you both want, at least for the time being.

 

[Sybarist]

Didn't Dr. Phil do a whole show on this type of thing?

I believe he was down on this whole trend of todays 'young people' to establish sexual relationships with others that they sometimes don't really know or care about just to have the sexual experience. I have to admit, I think that the fact that this type of relationship not only being accepted as normal but also being encouraged in some places says a lot about the morals and values of todays 'young people'. And hey, I'm not that old either- maybe I'm just too old fashioned?

To me, "Friends with Benefits" is another disturbing symptom of todays "throw away" mentality. I think more people are hurt by it than will ever admit to it, and I can't see anyone being comfortably secure with a new boy/girlfriend that admits to having had casual sex with some guy he or she is 'just friends' with....

Syb.

 

[eudaemonia]

Friends with benefits is sort of bizarre to me. Am I getting this straight, is that the same as being fuck buddies? There's no particular love or great affection for one another, but mutual like and a certain degree of respect? So the benefit is sex w/o guilt??

 

[Eilan]

Friends with benefits is sort of bizarre to me. Am I getting this straight, is that the same as being fuck buddies? There's no particular love or great affection for one another, but mutual like and a certain degree of respect? So the benefit is sex w/o guilt??

Cate seems to be saying that there's a difference between a FwB and a fuck buddy. I suppose it might be that in a FwB situation, the friendship would come first, whereas a fuck buddy relationship is mostly about the sex. I'm not sure, really, so feel free to set me straight.

The FwB thing is something that I tried once, but I failed miserably, because it's not that easy for me to separate sex and love, though I have done it before. But if other people can make it work, then more power to them.

 

[AMHatch]

Cate seems to be saying that there's a difference between a FwB and a fuck buddy. I suppose it might be that in a FwB situation, the friendship would come first, whereas a fuck buddy relationship is mostly about the sex. I'm not sure, really, so feel free to set me straight.

The FwB thing is something that I tried once, but I failed miserably, because it's not that easy for me to separate sex and love, though I have done it before. But if other people can make it work, then more power to them.

I think you're about right. A FwB has an emotional attachment. The two of you are able to hang out and do stuff but sex can also be involved. A fuck buddy is just somebody you call to get laid.

I have a FwB and it's great. She's actually an ex-gf, but we didn't work well in a relationship. As just friends, there's no pressure from either side and really no jealousy. When we're in other relationships, we're happy for each other and our sexual sides subside. We're able to just hang out as friends. When we're not involved elsewhere, we do the same friend stuff but thrown in some sex. It's a good set up for us, but it definitely doesn't work for everybody.

 

[canuckchick]

I dont see what having casual sex with a friend when your not in a relationship has to do with future relationships. Just because someone has casual sex does not mean they are not capable of a monogamous relationship. I also do not think that it has to do with a throw away mentality. I just have no time or interest in a serious relationship but does that mean that i can't have sex? I am not interested in picking up a different guy every weekend so i have a friend with benefits, and have had the same fwb for going on 5 years.

 

[Eilan]

I dont see what having casual sex with a friend when your not in a relationship has to do with future relationships. Just because someone has casual sex does not mean they are not capable of a monogamous relationship. I also do not think that it has to do with a throw away mentality. I just have no time or interest in a serious relationship but does that mean that i can't have sex? I am not interested in picking up a different guy every weekend so i have a friend with benefits, and have had the same fwb for going on 5 years.

I really don't think anyone was judging you. (Well, maybe one post came across as a bit judgmental.) I think the majority of people who have asked questions in this thread are genuinely curious about how people make something like this work.