Thoughts on first story (Loving Wives)?

[penname9]

Hi everyone, I would absolutely appreciate anyone who'd take the time to read and critique my first story:

https://literotica.com/s/adam-and-eve-pt-01

This is the first creative thing I've ever wrote. The things I found most difficult were conveying emotion and making dialogue realistic. I'm looking for ways to improve! Thanks!

 

[lustychimera]

I read the first page. I thought it was really engaging. The prose read like a myth or a fairy tail which was really affirmed by the names "Adam and Eve."

The part that kept me going was that it read like the intro to one of those tales right before something calamitous befalls one of them, and their world is shattered. The setting and characters were far too perfect for me to trust them, so I kept reading, just waiting for the hammer to drop.

As far as getting the emotions across, I wouldn't say it was written in a way that grounded me to the story. I never felt that I could experience it vicariously through the characters---even though at the end, it became more apparent that my expectations were wrong and this was going to be a more slice of life-ish story rather than the dark fairy tale that I was expecting. The voice was too distant for that, which omniscient narration almost always is, so not really anything you did wrong.

You have a very clear writing style, and it flowed well from one sentence to the next, just might need to trim some fat. I found myself skimming quite a bit and not feeling like I was missing any of the story.

But for a first story, this was an amazing effort. You definitely have a talent for it, so I'd really encourage you to keep at it!!

 

[yowser]

First of all, congratulations on a first effort. A huge amount of time and energy go into producing stories, and I hope you are pleased with the initial plunge.

You picked a tough category, I see you have already gotten lots of 'advice' and reactions from the commenters in LW, who don't tend to mince words.

I had no idea this was so long, and I haven't read the whole thing, but here are a couple things to consider.

I suspect you could pare this down by a fairly huge margin, and asking yourself if every sentence, every paragraph counts, moves the story forward will help in the future. If not, removing fat makes for both an easier and more satisfying read. (This is true for almost everything on Lit, my own work included.) Thinking lean will improve almost anything you do.

Two pieces on emotion. You have taken a third person omniscient view, so we get everyone's thoughts and feelings. The standard advice is the 'show don't tell' bit. So in a sentence like this one: "Eve's father was equally emotional," if you can give us a visual it will read much better. (Wiped a tear from his eyes? Hands shook as he held a door? Eyebrows moved?) Make a picture, even better with movement, and things will become more interesting to your reader.

From the inside, can you describe what your characters are feeling like? How are they reacting to what is happening? Having second thoughts about what they just said? Metaphors are sometimes useful, again giving readers a picture in their mind.

Couple other things: if you can vary your sentence structure (short sentence, longer one, action, pacing) you'll have a more interesting story arc. You have a lot of background info up front that could either be streamlined, or perhaps revealed through dialogue between characters.

Go easy on some words: beautiful, perfect, etc. Can you pick a detail that illuminates what makes someone with those qualities stand out? As Nabokov stresses, small interesting details matter.

Regardless, good luck with your work, there's much enjoyment to be had in creation.

 

[penname9]

Wow I couldn't have asked for better comments than the ones you both provided. Thank you!! I have lots to think about.