This wasn't the way I wanted my life to go.

[bisexplicit]

I wanted to be beautiful and skinny.

I wanted to be smart, and to do well in school.

I wanted to have a boyfriend who got along well with my family.

I wanted to have friends.

I wanted to spend most days being happy, or at least mediocre.


I've spent so many years of my life waiting for, and working towards, that future where things are supposed to better, where things are supposed to be right.

I'm not sure that that future is possible anymore.

Each day seems to bring me closer to an inevitably miserable life. I seem to be slowly trapping myself into hell. And I don't know how to stop it. I don't know what to change.

So, I guess you guys can't help. I just needed to say it all. To stop trapping it inside of myself like a shameful secret.

 

[Mrs.P]

So what are you doing to change the way your life is? Are you working towards your goals? You need to be proactive in what you want your life to be.

 

[MagicFingers]

Cheer up!

I haven't talked to you much recently, however I know that you are beautiful, smart, and sexy.
You have lots of good friends here, whether I'm one or not.

This too shall pass. There are better days ahead.
Do what feels right to YOU. Is your BF right in YOUR mind?

Ask yourself what your priorities are. Do you want to do well in school?
Do you want to be thinner?
Do you want lots of friends?
Do you want to happy, or do you want to be right?

Change is not easy and it takes time. If you are unhappy with yourself, set out to change the things that bother you most. You can make things better.

Remember the serenity prayer and say it whenever things get down:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[EJFan]

i agree with the two previous replies...

1. if you want to make a change, YOU'RE the one who has to do it. it's great to get things off your chest and vent (particularly to the many friends you have here ) but, ultimately, nothing is going to change your life but you... and you have to be prepared to make mistakes when you do so... just be sure to learn from them and don't make 'em twice.

2. i think it's great to have a vision and goals but i also think that it's not a good idea to stick your life into a cubby-hole and expect it to fit in there, exactly, each and every step of the way. perils and pitfalls are everywhere. they help us to appreciate the things that DO go right. embrace the setbacks and be happy to know that you're experiencing them.

3. when i get pissed off at "life" i try to put myself in the IMMEDIATE moment. when stress is overwhelming it's easy to look at the future with a very negative outlook... but misery is very momentary and passes soon enough. besides, i've learned that negativity comes around very easily... but one has to go to the good. once you see it, it's rather refreshing and a great motivator.

 

[Mrs.P]

I agree with you. It is not always easy to look/plan for the future, sometimes you have to take the cards life deals you and play with them.

P.S. C-sections are not all they're cracked up to be. Women were made to give birth vagainally

 

[rosebud5446]

i felt justlike you not too long ago, i'm still working a bit on it, but one thing that helped me start to get out of it was the book 'prozac nation' by elizabeth wurtzel... it's a depressing book to read, but it made me realize that i really could be alot worse off, it somehow made me kick my ass into gear and make myself not as much of a lazy fuck.and the ending kind of gave me a more positive outlook on life... it's a great book, i would highly reccomend it to anyone.

 

[LadyJeanne]

We're all works in progress. I don't know if we ever get to that place where we our lives work out exactly as we want, when we want, how we want, or why we want. So, we keep working on ourselves and our lives. Sometimes it's harder than others, and we all go about it at our own pace and in our own ways.

Go easier on yourself if you really haven't achieved the things you wanted to up to this point. So what? You've got a whole life ahead of you to keep trying and keep working on parts of it. Pick one thing you want, and start working to make it happen.

Isn't there some joke that says you can't have a great job, a great apartment, and a great boyfriend all at the same time?

 

[SweetErika]

I wanted to be beautiful and skinny.

I wanted to be smart, and to do well in school.

I wanted to have a boyfriend who got along well with my family.

I wanted to have friends.

I wanted to spend most days being happy, or at least mediocre.


I've spent so many years of my life waiting for, and working towards, that future where things are supposed to better, where things are supposed to be right.

I'm not sure that that future is possible anymore.

Each day seems to bring me closer to an inevitably miserable life. I seem to be slowly trapping myself into hell. And I don't know how to stop it. I don't know what to change.

So, I guess you guys can't help. I just needed to say it all. To stop trapping it inside of myself like a shameful secret.

I've felt similar (especially to the bold statement) at various times. What I figured out was that in focusing on the future/goals so much, I was letting the journey, life, slip away. So, I stopped when I realized I was making myself miserable and couldn't continue that way. I took a break, making focusing on the present my main goal. I did some things that were incongrous with my goals, most of them having to do with slowing the pace and cutting out stress. Everything became more manageable at that point, I think because I was able to wake up and just work on one thing each day, whether it was self-esteem, making friends, being a better S.O., or putting energy into and feeling passionate about what I was doing.

There were still long-term goals, too, but they were only those that were truly important and attainable. Instead of working towards what I thought I wanted (and wanted to be), I went for what I really did want, like being happy on a daily basis.

No, this isn't the way I wanted my life to go, but it is how I want it to be.

 

[EndCredits]

Whenever I've felt like that, I'm almost always back to normal the next morning. You'll bounce back.

 

[silverwhisper]

[taps bi on shoulder]

hey, sis?

[trout-smacks bi liberally]

bi quoth
i wanted to be beautiful and skinny.
i wanted to be smart, and to do well in school.
i wanted to have a boyfriend who got along well with my family.
i wanted to have friends.
i wanted to spend most days being happy, or at least mediocre.

you are beautiful and healthy (skinny? WTF is it w/ people never being satisfied w/ appearances?), you are smart. you have friends.

doing well in school: you're a smart person, bi. if you want to do well in school, all you gotta do is prioritize that. you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that in college, just raw brainpower doesn't always cut it. college takes work. it isn't like high school.

the boyfriend + family happiness thing...that, little sister, is a pipedream. o, it's nice when you can get it, but your happiness in the relationship is a bigger piece of the puzzle and i think you know that. the real question is this: is everybody making an honest to goodness good faith effort to get along? the answer to that question really ought to be yes. if it isn't, then i think there's one or more conversations that really ought to be taking place here.

and for fuck's sake, don't you dare settle for mediocrity. i know you well enough to know that mediocrity isn't you. so don't you dare fucking settle. you're much too young to limit your dreams and aspirations. fucking dare to dream, dare to fucking dare.

the death of dreams is the death of the soul, bi.

[hefts trout]

don't make me use this.

ed

 

[jackfrost2112]

Hey at least you're not on fire...

I don’t think there’s very many of us out there completely happy with the way our lives have turned out. When we’re younger we have all these grand visions and plans for our life. The older we get we start to realize more and more than it’s going to have to be the little things that make us happy and hold us over. We’re not all going to grow up to be famous artists and musicians and doctors. Someone has to take out the garbage you know?

But that’s not the end of the world. It’s not compromise as much as it’s finding different things throughout life that bring you happiness. You won’t always be the same person you were at 15 or 19 or 23, but when it comes down to it would you really want to be?

The are certain things you can control and certain things you can’t. Focus on what you can control and remember; that wheel never stops turning. Sometimes you’re on top, sometimes you’re on bottom, but no matter what it won’t last forever. Someone once said that on an episode of ‘Angel’ once, and I’m pretty sure it’s true.

 

[bisexplicit]

Thanks everyone for the comments...

Is it weird that I know possible ways to change things, but I'm scared to do them? I'm worried if I make any huge changes, things could possibly get worse - and it feels like no matter what huge change I would make, I'd be losing other things...

 

[silverwhisper]

bi: no, that isn't weird. on the contrary, i think that's completely normal. fear of the unknown is universal, IMHO.

ed

 

[M's girl]

Hello Bi,

I know, changes can be frightening. I have changed and shifted my life completely a few times already. It was scary as hell but always worked out for the better in the end. At one point I ended a relationship (did not want to, but felt I had to for my own sake and I was right), then decided to move to a new town and find a new job there. This all happened within a few months and it worked like a chime! Have been very happy after that. Made me decide to do it again once I found myself sort of stuck in that situation again after a while (years later). Again, it worked out fine. At the beginning of this year I moved away from family and friends and the place I used to love to live (Amsterdam) to be with M. No regrets still... The only thing is..... we are now both (and together) seriously considering moving to France. Another big change coming up.... but I'm not afraid anymore....

I have learned things can only get better when you are at such a low point in your life if you dare to do something about it. I hope things are not as bad as you stated them but if they are....? Why NOT change then??

Oh yeah.... and if you are scared anyway.... this is the exact right time to be scared, with Halloween and everything.... good excuse to pinch your nose and jump!

 

[KarenDee]

One of the first things you need to change is your perception of yourself. Once you develop your sense of worth and a positive self-image, the rest of the things on your list will fall in line. It's not that you aren't beautiful or skinny or have a wonderful boyfriend or have financial success that's important. What is important is that you first learn to love and accept yourself for what you are at this very moment.

This book here will help you more than anything. Try Self Matters by Dr. Phil. He can get you started on the road to loving yourself. When you learn to do that first, it's much easier for others to love you in turn.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Thanks everyone for the comments...

Is it weird that I know possible ways to change things, but I'm scared to do them? I'm worried if I make any huge changes, things could possibly get worse - and it feels like no matter what huge change I would make, I'd be losing other things...

WOW! Either I just had Deja Vu or Bi's really my wife posting wihtout my knowledge! This is exactly the same kind of comment my wife made to me not too many months ago trying to deal with her unhappiness with her current career. I'll tell you exactly what I told her; Don't be silly!

You've proven to me time and again her that you are an intelligent, witty and strong woman, believe in that. Fear of failue is natural, but so is failure. Risk is scary, but overcoming risk is rewarding. You've heard nothign ventured nothing gained? It's true.

What's happening is that your unhappiness is causing your subconcious to generate a fear that change will make things worse, thus taking away your courage to try and make things better. The only way past that is to break through, plunge forward and convince yourself that change will make things better, not worse. That's the only thing holding you back.

Very few people ahve the life they always wanted, and that's exactly what got my wife into her depression. What you have to do is look around you, at where you are and who you've become, and reevaluate where you'd like to go from here.

Good luck to you dear, and don't forget, you have many friends here.

 

[human_male]

Well ok, but you've got nice boobs .

I wanted to be a helicopter pilot. Can you imagine that! What a fuckin joke.

 

[Cathleen]

Thanks everyone for the comments...

Is it weird that I know possible ways to change things, but I'm scared to do them? I'm worried if I make any huge changes, things could possibly get worse - and it feels like no matter what huge change I would make, I'd be losing other things...

You know what happens if you make a decision and find it wasn't the best one for you? You make another.

No one gets away with never making a decision that they weren't happy with the outcome - here's another good thing about those decisions - you can learn from each. Sometimes you learn a lot other times not so much. But learn.

I used to do the 'wait for' approach too... I think it has something to do with being young (I mean NO offense). I waited - nothing changed until I decided to change. Then in comes those pesky decisions.

I never in a million years would have thought my life would be as it has and I'm thrilled about it. I am comfortable with who I am and how I live. I used to say I could do without the abuses, the illnesses but not anymore (for the most part - we all have our days).

There are many things in life that are done onto us - we can't change those. We change our attitudes and behaviors. I am a believer that we need each other but we fight that idea, our pride will say we can do it ourselves, I don't want to put you out, no one wants to help anyway... ad nauseum.

A trusted and bright friend told me something I finally live... people with good mental and physical health are those with support. We need each other - it works great because we help others and other help us. Major payoffs!

 

[eudaemonia]

Great advice here.

We really each of are works in progress. Live well, love long.

 

[Eilan]

There are some wonderful insights in this thread--you people are really amazing! As usual.

There are many things in life that are done onto us - we can't change those. We change our attitudes and behaviors.

Yes! This was probably the best piece of advice that I received when I was going through my divorce. I couldn't control my ex's behavior, but I could control my reaction to it.

 

[Quoll]

*insert loving comment and words of wisdom here*
Please get out of my head young lady.
Hey you can do nothing and just let life wash over you, I have, and you know what sucks, you still have to make choices and decisions it's just that more of them are out of your hands and you have fewer options, at least if you make the decision, you can look back at it and say well it was my choice and I had some idea of the probable outcome. Otherwise you end painted into a corner with limited choices.



Ok I thought I had better take a look at your pics to see what the fuss was about ( you see I find you intellectually stimulating, not just some faceless boob on the internet (excellent play on words if I do say so myself)).

Bi, that is the body of a real woman, not some preadolescent stick figure. Now I'm not one to be overly vociferous but I do have to say "Hubba Hubba"
You would know that the lead up to any decision or change is more stressfull than the change itself, especially when you know what you should do.

You will survive hon.

 

[pleasteasme]

He can get you started on the road to loving yourself. When you learn to do that first, it's much easier for others to love you in turn.

There is no truer statement. Nor one that is so scarey and difficult to deal with/accept/make reality!

Life is a work in progress and the one that you have to make happy is yourself! You have the power to change your life to go into any direction you see fit.


Of course, my life would be much easier if I would take my own advice.....

 

[karndav]

and for fuck's sake, don't you dare settle for mediocrity. i know you well enough to know that mediocrity isn't you. so don't you dare fucking settle. you're much too young to limit your dreams and aspirations. fucking dare to dream, dare to fucking dare.

So very true, we would all do well to listen to this advice!!!

 

[Guest]

 

[midwestyankee]

Bi, I hope you'll pardon me but it has been a very long week and I'm a shade punchy.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb must want to change.


I believe that it was EJ who first pointed out that your initial post cries out that you know that you need to make some changes in your life but that you - and only you - can initiate those changes.

He's right.

If you have not already read it, may I suggest that you pick up a copy of The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck? It's a terrific treatment of human psychology and gives an excellent perspective on what it means to be "normal," or well-adjusted as opposed to having a neurosis or a character deficiency. Mine is sadly dog-eared from many re-readings or I would offer to send it along for you.

It's often a punch line, but you have already taken the single most important step: recognizing that you have a reason to change. Now, as the Nike ads all say, just do it.

Sure, that sounds simplistic but change is easier than we make it out to be, particularly when depression or or self-image constraints are clouding our vision. Please understand that I know much more about this particular vision failure than I would ever want anyone else to experience.