This place needs a new fun thread
- Thread starter doormouse
- Start date
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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- Oct 12, 2003
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Virtual_Burlesque said:
VB, thank you very much. I've already dispatched a copy to my workplace.
The first to go on my desk, in bold black lettering:
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
matriarch
Rotund retiree
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- May 25, 2003
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A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D)the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50
Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her
Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant c could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice.
By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks."
Yeehawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coughed myself silly at this one.
Mat
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D)the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50
Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her
Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant c could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice.
By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks."
Yeehawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coughed myself silly at this one.
Mat
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
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- 22,743
In all the build up to the challenge, and the voicing, this thread kind of got forgotten.
BUMP!
BEER
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ !
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
BUMP!
BEER
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ !
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
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- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
A good looking biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket and carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket and carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
blokefromthepub
Literotica Guru
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doormouse squeaks
wow...........just heard you squeaking mousey.........WOO HOO....lol
wow...........just heard you squeaking mousey.........WOO HOO....lol
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
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Re: doormouse squeaks
LOL
Hands above the desk hon
And where were you??? I just travelled SIX hours to get home from Melbourne... ???
Going back at Chrissy, and moving there in April. Be afraid, be very afraid. I'll be two hours closer LOL
blokefromthepub said:
LOL
Hands above the desk hon
And where were you??? I just travelled SIX hours to get home from Melbourne... ???
Going back at Chrissy, and moving there in April. Be afraid, be very afraid. I'll be two hours closer LOL
blokefromthepub
Literotica Guru
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Hands above the desk hon
too late for that gorgeous.........you did it to me again..........lol
Been looking for you in yahoo...........sigh......couldnt find you
ohh......and you certainly dont scare me ....bring it on....
Sleep well lovely one.......hope to see ya soon......
too late for that gorgeous.........you did it to me again..........lol
Been looking for you in yahoo...........sigh......couldnt find you
ohh......and you certainly dont scare me ....bring it on....
Sleep well lovely one.......hope to see ya soon......
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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Um, Doormouse,
Are you setting up a date with a bloke around the corner through an American website???
Poor mouse, lost the few marbles she had.
Are you setting up a date with a bloke around the corner through an American website???
Poor mouse, lost the few marbles she had.
doormouse
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Racist.. warning
A man is walking on the beach, when he finds an old brass oil lamp. He
starts rubbing the sand and mud off to try and see it better, when two
Blonde genies appear. They thank him for freeing them from the lamp and tell
him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the Blonde genies disappear.
The next thing he knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50
beautiful women. Suddenly, he feels something soft under his feet and
looking down, sees that the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. He grins in
anticipation.....
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door, and standing there
are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the
nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is
dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
Blonde genies!
One Blonde genie says to the other, "I don't get it. I can understand the
first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire."
"But, why he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
A man is walking on the beach, when he finds an old brass oil lamp. He
starts rubbing the sand and mud off to try and see it better, when two
Blonde genies appear. They thank him for freeing them from the lamp and tell
him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the Blonde genies disappear.
The next thing he knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50
beautiful women. Suddenly, he feels something soft under his feet and
looking down, sees that the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. He grins in
anticipation.....
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door, and standing there
are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the
nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is
dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
Blonde genies!
One Blonde genie says to the other, "I don't get it. I can understand the
first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire."
"But, why he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
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- Apr 11, 2004
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blokefromthepub
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2003
- Posts
- 1,026
Poor bastard doesn't know what he's in for
be gentle with me sweetie !!!.......lol
Dont leave any marks !!!!!
be gentle with me sweetie !!!.......lol
Dont leave any marks !!!!!
blokefromthepub
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2003
- Posts
- 1,026
Poor bastard doesn't know what he's in for
nahhhhhh......fuck it.........tear me up !!!!!!!!
nahhhhhh......fuck it.........tear me up !!!!!!!!
millennium_bard
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2004
- Posts
- 745
Any of you folks who know me, know that I will read damn near anything, anywhere.
It's like an addiction.
Well I was in the dotcors waiting room, bored out of my mind as I watched the clock tick off the hourse since my appointment had been scheduled.
All the magazines within reach had already been read, and i was seriously considering slipping next door to the dentist's waiting room on a raid for something to read when lo and behold, a lady put her magazine down on the seat next to me as she got up to go in for her appointment.
I snatched up the magazine like a junkie grabbing for a fix.
A Cosmopolitan magazine from May 1985.
Blech.
But better than nothing, so I started scanning the articles, looking for something that wasn't man bashing.
Then I struck paydirt. A whole article on how to induce orgasms in women.
Now I am always open to learn ways to impove my technique, so I settled happily down to read.
I soon realized that the article had nothing new to teach me, but one short little paragraph stood out.
And I quote: "Women can have up to 70 orgasms per hour"
Think about that folks.
Hell 70 orgasms in an hour would kill any man here, myself included!
If I was ever to have 70 orgasms in one hour there would be nothing left of me but a small pile of lard. (And a grin THAT big)
And just what would that many orgasms in an hour do to a women?
The article went on to say that women get hornier with each successive orgasm.
Holy shit!
After 70 orgasms in an hour, a woman would be turned into a perpetual horniness machine!
Men everywhere would be flocking to see this fucking marvel, and dying in droves as she wore them out, leaving only piles of lard and huge Cheshire cat grins behind!
What a way to go though.
It's like an addiction.
Well I was in the dotcors waiting room, bored out of my mind as I watched the clock tick off the hourse since my appointment had been scheduled.
All the magazines within reach had already been read, and i was seriously considering slipping next door to the dentist's waiting room on a raid for something to read when lo and behold, a lady put her magazine down on the seat next to me as she got up to go in for her appointment.
I snatched up the magazine like a junkie grabbing for a fix.
A Cosmopolitan magazine from May 1985.
Blech.
But better than nothing, so I started scanning the articles, looking for something that wasn't man bashing.
Then I struck paydirt. A whole article on how to induce orgasms in women.
Now I am always open to learn ways to impove my technique, so I settled happily down to read.
I soon realized that the article had nothing new to teach me, but one short little paragraph stood out.
And I quote: "Women can have up to 70 orgasms per hour"
Think about that folks.
Hell 70 orgasms in an hour would kill any man here, myself included!
If I was ever to have 70 orgasms in one hour there would be nothing left of me but a small pile of lard. (And a grin THAT big)
And just what would that many orgasms in an hour do to a women?
The article went on to say that women get hornier with each successive orgasm.
Holy shit!
After 70 orgasms in an hour, a woman would be turned into a perpetual horniness machine!
Men everywhere would be flocking to see this fucking marvel, and dying in droves as she wore them out, leaving only piles of lard and huge Cheshire cat grins behind!
What a way to go though.
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
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- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
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doormouse
Seductively Sweet
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- Posts
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The Mutt said:At the moment the plane approached, Karl Rove was bending over to tie his shoe. The plane vanished into his anus, never to be seen again.
And the mouse dragged the Mutt into the back room where only moans and soft mews were heard...
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2003
- Posts
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Screams of pleasure, huh?
*wondering*
*wondering*
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