This place needs a new fun thread

[boxofrocks]

A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,
"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

 

[boxofrocks]

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck".

 

[boxofrocks]

A woman was feeling really horny and wanted her husband to fuck her. He didn't feel like it, he just wanted to read. As he was reading, he would reach over every once in a while and rub her cunt. She said, "If you don't want to fuck, will you stop teasing me? "He said, "I'm not teasing you, I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page!"

 

[doormouse]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. . . So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story.....

Men might be ungrateful idiots.....

But fairies are......female!

 

[Lisa Denton]

Boxofrocks and Lisa was walking down the street and saw a mouse, (maybe Doormouse, who knows, this is fiction) licking her own cunt. Boxofrocks says "I wish I could do that." Then Lisa replies "You probably can, but you better give her a piece of cheese first or she might bite you."

 

[doormouse]

Boxofrocks and Lisa was walking down the street and saw a mouse, (maybe Doormouse, who knows, this is fiction) licking her own cunt. Boxofrocks says "I wish I could do that." Then Lisa replies "You probably can, but you better give her a piece of cheese first or she might bite you."

You are SOooo jealous

You should see how far ferocious can lick

 

[Guest]

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink Ill just take da bus."

 

[Guest]

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

 

[Guest]

Lena was being interviewed for a job as maid for the very wealthy
Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any religious views?"
"No," said Lena, "but I've got some nice pictures of Norway."

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."

 

[cloudy]

From an email I got from an AWOL AH'er (some of y'all have already seen this, I know):

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God,what have I just said?"

 

[millennium_bard]

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God,what have I just said?"

Damn. Now I got coffee all over the keyboard when I read that.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Minnesota Twins sportscaster, during a lull in the game when the camera was taking shots of people in the stands.

There's two lovers in the stands. He kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls.


Directions given on television's The French Chef:

Then you add two forkfulls of cooking oil . . .


Pro Bowling tour announcer, during on-air coverage:

Most of the bowlers bring along their wives for caddies. They like to carry their husband's balls from lane to lane.


Michael Aspel, British Radio 2:

Red squirrels . . . you don't see many of them since they became extinct.


TV talk-show host mispronouncing the Massachusetts town of Falmouth to a Guest from Woods Hole, Massachusetts.

Host: So you're from "Foulmouth"?

Guest: No, it's Falmouth, but actually I'm from Ass Hole, Woodsachusetts.


Weatherperson on KHAR-TV, Alaska, during a report describing a snowfall:

And Helena got six inches during the night . . . Helena, Montana, that is!


WLKW-TV, Rhode Island, news director, delivering an emergency news bulletin on air:

From his emergency flood headquarters at City Hall, Mayor Friedman has just ordered all families living near or adjacent to the Mill River to ejaculate immediately.


Sportscaster Ray French, adding color commentary:

And he's got the ice pack on his groin there, so it's possibly not the old shoulder injury . . .


Announcer, introducing banjoist Eddie Peabody:

Ladies and Gentlemen . . . and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you.


BBC radio announcer:

We now will hear Deck Your Balls with Halls of Helly . . . Deck your Bell with Balls of Holly . . . er . . . a Christmas selection.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

I bought a “Suggestions for Writers” type of book.

The first suggestion was:

When you go to bed, keep a notepad and pencil on your night stand. When you wake up, write down the first thought you have. Then try incorporating that thought into a short story.

Last night I tried out that suggestion.

I spent half an hour this afternoon, trying to decipher my shaky handwriting, but I think I have finally figured out what I wrote.

“Gotta get back to sleep!”

 

[Guest]

September reports in the New York Post and the Toronto Star, quoting
parents' Web site "reviews" of the Mattel $19.99 Nimbus 2000
plastic-replica broomstick from the latest Harry Potter movie, highlighted its
battery-powered special effect: vibration. Wrote a Texas mother: "I was
surprised at how long (my daughter and her friends) can just sit in her
room and play with this magic broomstick." Another said her daughter fights her son for it but complains that "the batteries drain too fast." A New Jersey
mother, sensing a problem, said her daughter could keep playing with it,
"but with the batteries removed." Still another mother, age 32, said she
enjoyed it as much as her daughter. [New York Post, 9-7-02; Toronto Star,
9-7-02]

 

[doormouse]

Important News Item



A scientist from Virginia Tech has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.



At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and knocked the shit out of him.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

http://www.godchecker.com/_files/gc_mast1.jpg

Welcome to Godchecker - your Guide to the Gods.

We have more Gods than you can shake a stick at.
Godchecker's Mythology Encyclopedia currently
features over 1,600 deities.

Browse the pantheons of the world, explore ancient myths,
and discover Gods of everything from Fertility to Fluff with
the fully searchable Holy Database Of All Known Gods.


Such as:

The Holy Snail™

WE shall endeavor to shed light on a subject shrouded in mystery.
Or misted in shroudery. Possibly even lost in the shrubbery.

http://www.godchecker.com/offerings/holy_snail_01.jpg

 

[doormouse]

There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

 

[doormouse]

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then " he sighed ".... Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[matriarch]

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

The farmer leaves for the fields and a while later the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the inseminator asks, "What's the nail for?"

As she walks away she tells him, "I guess it's to hang your pants."

 

[doormouse]

Huh?

I don't get it.

You mean, he didn't fuck the cow? Or, they didn't want his pants wrinkled?

 

[matriarch]

Huh?

I don't get it.

You mean, he didn't fuck the cow? Or, they didn't want his pants wrinkled?

Silly Dor.

 

[Black Tulip]

Alleycat.

 

[doormouse]

Yeah yeah I still don't get it, but anyway LOL

We're not into animals over here

 

[doormouse]

thought this was cute

 

[cloudy]

I know I have a warped sense of humor, but this just about made me spit my coke all over my monitor when I first saw it.

Authorities watch a protester dressed as Batman who stands on a ledge at London's Buckingham Palace.

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/cpress/20040914/capt.k091311au.jpg