This place needs a new fun thread
- Thread starter doormouse
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RebeccaLeah
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Re: Re: Re: Re: bump Bump BUMP!
Nevermind...............I have to go take a shower...wanna join?
matriarch said:
Nevermind...............I have to go take a shower...wanna join?
matriarch
Rotund retiree
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: bump Bump BUMP!
*grabbing my towel as I join you*
Mat's Shower Story
RebeccaLeah said:Nevermind...............I have to go take a shower...wanna join?
*grabbing my towel as I join you*
Mat's Shower Story
RebeccaLeah
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: bump Bump BUMP!
Too late doll, just got out, but I smell all yummy and you can dry me off it you want?
matriarch said:*grabbing my towel as I join you*
Too late doll, just got out, but I smell all yummy and you can dry me off it you want?
RebeccaLeah
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: bump Bump BUMP!
Damn you darling. Now I need another shower. Cold.
matriarch said:*tapping the tip of your nose with one extended finger*...you.....are a wicked girl. (See my edit on the post, you might not have been so quick to exit the shower....
Damn you darling. Now I need another shower. Cold.
RebeccaLeah
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matriarch said:*big grin*......you like ???
Silly question.
RebeccaLeah
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matriarch said:
G
Guest
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Letter from the Smithsonian Institute
The story here is of this guy who digs junk out of his yard and sends it along with mock documentation, just for fun, to the Smithsonian Institute, who obviously love the joke. Below is the Institute's response to one of his archeological findings.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
· The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
· The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
· The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
· The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
· Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
The story here is of this guy who digs junk out of his yard and sends it along with mock documentation, just for fun, to the Smithsonian Institute, who obviously love the joke. Below is the Institute's response to one of his archeological findings.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
· The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
· The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
· The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
· The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
· Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
matriarch
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old Grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."
matriarch
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A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continue undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continue undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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Doormouse,
That is awful. But funny.
That is awful. But funny.
Virtual_Burlesque
Former Ecdysiast
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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/Picz/062.jpgBlack Tulip said:
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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- 5,945
Can I learn my cats to do that too?
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
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- Apr 11, 2004
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True friends
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises
that really speaks to true friendship:
(1) When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
(2) When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
(3) When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
(4) When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
(5) When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be and to quit whining.
(6) When you are confused - I will use small words.
(7) When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have!
(8) When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath... I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask? Because you
are my friend.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help
you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises
that really speaks to true friendship:
(1) When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
(2) When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
(3) When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
(4) When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
(5) When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be and to quit whining.
(6) When you are confused - I will use small words.
(7) When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have!
(8) When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath... I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask? Because you
are my friend.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help
you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2003
- Posts
- 5,945
Doormouse,
Can we be real good friends? Please?
Can we be real good friends? Please?
matriarch
Rotund retiree
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- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men (and some women) find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... a recipe.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit......."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men (and some women) find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... a recipe.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit......."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
Olympic quotes they wish they'd never said......
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't likeit. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOCpresident is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh myGod, what have I just said?"
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't likeit. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOCpresident is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh myGod, what have I just said?"
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