boxofrocks
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2004
- Posts
- 285
LOL
I'm stocking up on pancake batter as we speak
I'm stocking up on pancake batter as we speak
This place needs a new fun thread
- Thread starter doormouse
- Start date
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"F**k off... " she said, "they're for the funeral!!"
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"F**k off... " she said, "they're for the funeral!!"
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were there.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the
vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were there.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the
vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married. (well, so the 'story' goes)
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
Amen.
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married. (well, so the 'story' goes)
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
Amen.
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
"What a peaceful & loving couple" A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man."We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'that's twice.'"
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'"
"And we lived happily ever after".
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man."We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'that's twice.'"
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'"
"And we lived happily ever after".
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor:
The children began:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.....lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored Lifesaver.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God ~ They're assholes!!!"
The children began:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.....lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored Lifesaver.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God ~ They're assholes!!!"
alyxen
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2004
- Posts
- 921
A bloke walks into a bar, orders a beer, notices the barmaid is blonde and asks if she'd like to hear a blonde joke. The barmaid isn't impressed by this, and says to the bloke; "Look mate, I'm blonde, and I've got a baseball bat under the bar. The girl to your right is blonde and is the national womens heavyweight boxing champion. The girl to your left is an eighth dan black belt martial arts instructor, and is also blonde. The girl sitting in the corner is blonde, and if rumours are true, she is a highly trained assassin. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke in here?"
The bloke looks around and says; "Not if I'm going to have to explain it four times"
The bloke looks around and says; "Not if I'm going to have to explain it four times"
alyxen
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2004
- Posts
- 921
A young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with
the young man's parents.
In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to
the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.
After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I
wonder why they never came down to eat?" The grooms young brother said,
"Mommy, I think -- " "Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!"
said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the
younger brother.
At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called
the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to
eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder
why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to
speak, but was interrupted by the mother.
At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the
table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner.
After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not
come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- "
"Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated. "I
think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he
got my model plane glue instead."
the young man's parents.
In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to
the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.
After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I
wonder why they never came down to eat?" The grooms young brother said,
"Mommy, I think -- " "Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!"
said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the
younger brother.
At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called
the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to
eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder
why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to
speak, but was interrupted by the mother.
At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the
table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner.
After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not
come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- "
"Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated. "I
think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he
got my model plane glue instead."
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
For Og
Sally had a pet turtle.
One day as she came home from school, she found her turtle lifeless. His limp body hung from his shell, and her tears began to flow.
In an effort to console her distraught daughter, her mother suggested they give the turtle a proper funeral.
Later that day, after a sombre procession out to the backyard, Sally stood in front of a gathering of friends, family and their pet dog. Sally gave a tearful good-bye speech to her beloved turtle.
There wasn't a dry eye to be seen as she slowly opened the box to bid him a final farewell.
To her surprise, the turtle stuck his neck out of the shell.
Sally looked at the box, the freshly dug hole, her friends and family. She looked back at the turtle and said,
"Let's kill it."
Please note: No turtle was injured during the making... thanks Lisa for the idea ;-)
Sally had a pet turtle.
One day as she came home from school, she found her turtle lifeless. His limp body hung from his shell, and her tears began to flow.
In an effort to console her distraught daughter, her mother suggested they give the turtle a proper funeral.
Later that day, after a sombre procession out to the backyard, Sally stood in front of a gathering of friends, family and their pet dog. Sally gave a tearful good-bye speech to her beloved turtle.
There wasn't a dry eye to be seen as she slowly opened the box to bid him a final farewell.
To her surprise, the turtle stuck his neck out of the shell.
Sally looked at the box, the freshly dug hole, her friends and family. She looked back at the turtle and said,
"Let's kill it."
Please note: No turtle was injured during the making... thanks Lisa for the idea ;-)
Last edited:
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
Personal farewells
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral, I'm a gynecologist."
And that's when the proctologist fainted.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral, I'm a gynecologist."
And that's when the proctologist fainted.
Dream Keeper
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2004
- Posts
- 165
matriarch said:
Oh my god! That....is.... Hialrious! That was very good. I could almost see that happening too. *snicker* Thanks for the laugh!
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one."
The first guy replies, "Wow ! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife,
'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."
***
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving".
***
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs
play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called
"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or
seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or
she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is
also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several
months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter
and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have
you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with Us for
couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch
tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of'
Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the
Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one."
The first guy replies, "Wow ! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife,
'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."
***
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving".
***
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs
play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called
"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or
seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or
she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is
also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several
months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter
and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have
you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with Us for
couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch
tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of'
Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the
Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
ferociouskittycat
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2004
- Posts
- 440
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
*bump*
*bump*
Lisa Denton
Can nipples explode?
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2004
- Posts
- 7,758
ferociouskittycat said:
The suspense is killin me!!!!
alyxen
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2004
- Posts
- 921
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
MY FAVOURITE
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
MY FAVOURITE
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
alyxen
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2004
- Posts
- 921
Short Story
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
alyxen
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2004
- Posts
- 921
A joke for any Aussie's we might have:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking
that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to
North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when
he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who
was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for$10,000
you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this
was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby
nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA
to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and
again, in he first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone,
but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."
TheAmerican was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father,
I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone
in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US
the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a
local call".
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking
that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to
North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when
he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who
was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for$10,000
you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this
was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby
nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA
to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and
again, in he first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone,
but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."
TheAmerican was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father,
I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone
in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US
the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a
local call".
alyxen
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2004
- Posts
- 921
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of
the church.
Everyone started screaming and running to escape, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly In his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute,"returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of
the church.
Everyone started screaming and running to escape, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly In his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute,"returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
MOST EMBARRASSING FIRST DATE
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his elegant car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some asssistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off"
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his elegant car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some asssistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off"
ferociouskittycat
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2004
- Posts
- 440
In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old
rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!
She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir. How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years," he informs her.
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"
"I feel like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall."
rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!
She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir. How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years," he informs her.
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"
"I feel like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall."
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
impressive
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2003
- Posts
- 27,372
My apologies if this is a repeat ...
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St.Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her butt in it."
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St.Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her butt in it."
Similar threads
