This is a stickup.

[APhil]

From Ernie's House of Whoopass :

Accccording to French news reports, a roving female bank robber in France, has the following modus operandi:

She only picks men bank tellers. She then produces a gun indicating it is a holdup. After the teller hands over the money she unbuttons her blouse exposing her breasts, then departs leaving a stunned teller.

Police questioning her latest victim were dismayed to find that the teller could not even vaguely remember his assailants face enough to give any kind of accurate description. However he was quoted as saying, "I can't remember her face but I will remember those breasts till my dying day. They were absolutely magnificent."

It seems that all of the witnesses interviewed from the total 16 robberies to date could give descriptions of her anatomy down to the most minute detail. All except for her face. It seems that at last report she is still at large.

 

[Shaq]

I can't say that wouldn't be effective....if I got flashed while being robbed the nipples would probably stick out in my memory more than the face of....hey, stick out....heh, nipples sticking out....I gotta write this stuff down....

 

[His_kitty]

I'll keep this in mind .....

if I ever decide to become a criminal.

 

[Shaq]

Re: I'll keep this in mind .....

if I ever decide to become a criminal.

Well, if you follow that robber's method I'll pm you my address....I've got tons of tvs that are well worth robbing...

 

[unclej]

hee, hee..APhil said at large.

 

[Ishmael]

Wouldn't be a hoot to find out that she's a blonde. Revenge for all those 'blonde' jokes.

Ishmael

 

[Kitte]

Re: I'll keep this in mind .....

if I ever decide to become a criminal.

Hi His_Kitty...this has been a random stalking.

And to keep with the thread...that is how I plan on becoming rich so dont give away all my secrets!

 

[APhil]

The Interview

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question, "How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES"?

The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One". The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll call her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?

She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".

She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?" After going through fifteen minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

"Easy," says the blonde, "let me show you."

 

[His_kitty]

Re: Re: I'll keep this in mind .....

Hi His_Kitty...this has been a random stalking.

And to keep with the thread...that is how I plan on becoming rich so dont give away all my secrets!

Is this a flashing along with the stalking???

tries hard to hide her hopeful look

 

[APhil]

Global Unity

When Mark Shuttleworth (you know, the wealthy space tourist) returns from space, everybody dress in ape suits.

Sshh. Pass it on...

 

[His_kitty]

Re: Re: I'll keep this in mind .....

Well, if you follow that robber's method I'll pm you my address....I've got tons of tvs that are well worth robbing...

Lmao

I rarely watch television ....... but I can use a new computer. How's your's?

 

[APhil]

Damned Dog

I have a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. I called my girlfriend to tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.' After dinner we went back to my secretary's apartment and had mad sex for hours.

On the drive home I noticed a huge hickey on my neck. I fell into a state of panic. What am I going to tell my girlfriend? I walked in the door and was greeted by my excited and happy dog. Inspired, I fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding my neck with one hand I walked into the living room and exclaimed,' Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!'

My girlfriend jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, 'That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!'

 

[APhil]

Speaking of Computers...

Let's Play WOOPS!

Computer users have asserted for years that they can party as hard and as long as any testosterone-filled football player. To prove it, we present the Web Outrageous On-line Party Surfing game (W.O.O.P.S. - pronounced "Whoops").

WOOPS is best experienced in a group setting (say, a rack of office cubicles at lunchtime), but you can also play at home alone or networked, of course. To play, choose your favorite drink, connect to your ISP, and start surfing the Web. Remember to be responsible, and hand over the mouse to your designated surfer when you've had too much to drink.

Drink once if:
- your modem has to redial when connecting to your ISP (if more than five times, stop drinking and cancel that fucking AOL account).
- you see a "Best Viewed With..." tag (twice if it's animated)
- you get any error message (bad URL, etc.)
- you see an under construction sign
- you view a page with a web counter (twice if it's a broken graphic)
- you come across a java applet (twice if it doesn't load)
- you see the phrase "cool links"
- a background sound loads (you also must dance with drink in hand)
- your browser crashes
- you have to resize the browser window
- a graphic doesn't load

Drink twice if:
- you hit a ********** error
- you arrive at a password-protected site (if you can guess the password in three tries, collect a dollar from everyone in the room and chug drink)
- you find a home page purportedly belonging to someone's pet.
- "cool" is spelled "kewl"
- you have to download a plug-in and restart your browser
- the graphics are broken on a web designer's home pages

Special:
- if you hit a shockwave project, you have to wait to drink until it's downloaded. (This is a good chance to walk to the store for more drinks.
- you must pound your drink and the drinks of the persons on each side of you if you see a link to the Icy Cold Stunnaz.

 

[APhil]

Stress Free Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day so that you don't pull your hair out. And being on a diet does not mean you can't still be manly too. Just don't go too far.

Breakfast
- 1/2 Grapefruit
- 1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
- 8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch
- 4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
- 1 cup Steamed Spinach
- 1 cup Herb Tea
- 1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack
- Rest of the Oreos in the package
- 2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
- 1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
- Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner
- 2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
- Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
- 4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
- 3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

 

[APhil]

My Thoughts on Spider-Man

http://www.ehowa.com/sidepics/spiderman.jpg

 

[APhil]

What I did Last Night

My mafia contact put a contract out on this Chinese guy named "Chunky" Lee Chong, because he was selling smack to my man's working girls and getting them all fucked up. Now a few previous attempts have been made on Chong's life, but his goon bodyguards from the Triads kept laying down the heat and buying Chong time to escape. So I decided to take a different approach.

Two blocks out from Chong's noodle stand, I carjacked a delivery truck and parked it with the engine running just outside the concrete barriers that protect the strip mall where Chong was holed up. As I approached, those Triad thugs opened fire on me and Chong high tailed it to his panel van and started hauling ass down Tremont Street. I found some cover from the Triad's gunfire and made it back to the delivery truck I had jacked earlier. The race was on.

I chased him for about four city blocks, smashing into him when I could sending him bouncing off a few utility poles, a fire hydrant, and mowing down about eight pedestrians. But it was down in the straight a way near the water front where the weight of my vehicle really came out, I clipped his rear bumper and sent him spinning into the side of a building where his battered little van flipped on its side. I kicked the emergency brake to spin my truck around to go back and make sure he was taken care of, and as luck would have it I slid sideways into a police cruiser that had been dispatched to deal with the commotion. My fucking truck flipped on it's side and the cruiser immediately burst into flames and cooked that poor bastard.

As I climbed out of the burning hulk of my vehicle, I could see Chong already on the run from his, with almost a half a block lead on me. The fucker was going to get away. But then some poor bastard in an old red station wagon came around the corner and slowed down to see if anyone needed help. So naturally I did what any other hired gun would do, I opened his car door and grabbed this good samaritan by his collar and threw him out onto the fucking concrete. His station wagon wasn't fast, but it was faster than Chong could run -- I caught up to him just outside a laundromat and ran him over twice in a pair of satisfying thumps. ahhhh, mission accomplished.

I was pretty beat at the end of the day, so I put my mind at ease by picking up some whore in the redlight district and fucking her brains out behind the entrance ramp to the freeway.

Let me tell you, Grand Theft Auto III kicks major ass!



http://www.ehowa.com/sidepics/reallyspeedin.jpg

 

[unclej]

oh shit..the dumb blonde getting the job is some funny shit. thanks APhil.

 

[MechaBlade]

Women are evil. They keep using our weaknesses against us.

 

[APhil]

People and the Stupid Shit they Do

People are like piranhas, they'll try to fucking capitalize on any situation where they smell a hint of blood. Reparations for decendents of slavery? Fucking c'mon. The poor bastards being sued now didn't have any more to do with the repercussions slavery than the greedy fucker who actually filed the lawsuit. Did these companies profit from slavery? Well no fucking shit... but here's a clue.. no matter how horrible and inhumane it was... it was legal at the time! For Christ's sake you're talking about something that happened two, three, four hundred years ago... I'd like to think that mankind has evolved a little bit since then, but I guess fucking not. How long until someone sues the automakers after they're stupid enough to get in an accident after downing 13 beers?

Fuck it, that's it I've had enough. HEY ENGLAND! Better get ready -- I'm going to file a class action lawsuit to get my fucking taxes back. I figure by now with interest and punitive damages and all that shit, you guys ought to owe me somewhere around 56 bazillion fucking dollars. Payable in new 50's and 100's please.

 

[APhil]

Abbreviated Insults

To be used when laying your pimp smack down on someone via text messages on your mobile phone or in an AOL chat room...

GOPlAinTraFk - Go play in traffic.

UvGotAFAcLikASqEzdTBag - You've got a face like a squeezed tea-bag.

URAsMchUsAsMdGrdsOnATrtl - You are as much use as mud guards on a turtle.

IfUHdABrAnUdBDAjrus - If you had a brain you'd be dangerous.

IfUWnt2AMndREdrTherWldBNoChrge - If you went to a mind reader there would be no charge.

INoWenURLIinYaLpsMov - I know when you are lying, your lips move.

TLItsROnBtNo1isHOm - The lights are on, but no one is home.

TWhElsMvnBtTHmstrsDEd - The wheel's moving but the hamster's dead.

URAsUsfLAsAChocl8Tpot - You are as much use as a chocolate teapot.

UR1SndwchShrtOfAPiKnk - You are one sandwich short of a picnic.

(YaBrAnIsntAsBgAsYa(_,_) - A pity your brain isn't as big as your ass.

 

[APhil]

How to explain Enron to your children.

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income, after killing a lot of stinking terrorists.

Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

http://www.ehowa.com/sidepics/newenronlogo.jpg

 

[MechaBlade]

Re: What I did Last Night

... So naturally I did what any other hired gun would do, I opened his car door and grabbed this good samaritan by his collar and threw him out onto the fucking concrete.

I plan on getting that eventually. Oh god do I want that game.

 

[APhil]

Seriously Though, Let Me Pick Your Brain

There are 5 houses in five different colors. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. These five owners drink a certain drink, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. Yet no owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same drink.

Now, given the following information...
- the Brit lives in the red house
- the Sswede keeps dogs as pets
- the Dane drinks tea
- the green house is on the left of the white house
- the green house owner drinks coffee
- the person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds
- the owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill
- the man living in the house right in the center drinks milk
- the Norwegian lives in the first house
- the man who smokes blends lives next to the one who keeps cats
- the man who keeps horses lives next to the one who smokes Dunhill
- the owner who smokes Bluemaster drinks beer
- the German smokes prince
- the Norwegian lives next to the blue house
- the man who smokes blend has a neighbor who drinks water

My question is --- who owns the fish?

Einstein wrote this quiz last century. He said that 98% of the world could not figure it out.

 

[Kitte]

Re: Re: Re: I'll keep this in mind .....

Is this a flashing along with the stalking???

tries hard to hide her hopeful look

What a sweet hopeful look... just for that...*FLASH*

 

[His_kitty]

Re: Re: Re: Re: I'll keep this in mind .....

What a sweet hopeful look... just for that...*FLASH*

*drools*