Thirtysomethings

[blindhound]

This thread is for you thirtysomething folks. With the New Year folks ofter reasses their lives. I recently saw "the family man" with Nicholas Cage, and I heard "1985" by bowling for soup on the radio lately. They both seem to touch on the same theme, though from different perspectives. One is a successful business exec who has forgone a family and regrets it, where the other has gone down the road of family life but put her dreams on hold.

The question I have for those in their 30's beyond the forum for meeting one another is...
Regardless of being married or single are you content with where you are and how you got there? Or are you eyeing greener grass like our pop-culture friends?
Did you arrive there by making concious choices to get to where you are and was that your original direction, or did you get there either because you didn't achieve your original goals or had none in mind and just went with the flow of life?
Happy New Year

 

[hausfrau]

What a great question! Thought provoking.

I'm 33 this year, married 10 years, two very small children, and though I'm happy with where I am I am definitely feeling the need for more excitement and fun in my life. I think I'm having an early mid-life crisis. Luckily for me, I have a very patient and understanding husband and enough freedom, financially and otherwise, to do some things to alleviate the boxed in feelings I've been having.

I think it is human nature to get bored or to feel stifled by everyday life and to want something new or different, to have a little escape. I also think there are ways to have that without rocking the boat too much, so to speak.

To all the moms/wives out there feeling this way -- there have to be more of you out there -- I say this. Reclaim yourself as a person outside of being a wife and mother. Buy sexy underwear. Take a day off and do something just for yourself. Make a new friend. Take a bubble bath and have a drink after the kids go to bed. Pamper yourself. You are no good to anyone if you aren't good to yourself.

A prosperous, happy, and healthy new year to all of you.

 

[Jiggyfly427]

I'm looking forward to the greener grass. I'm 31 and I feel like I've been stuck on the same dirt road for years. I just hope this dirt road leads me in the right direction.

 

[pleasteasme]

The question I have for those in their 30's beyond the forum for meeting one another is...
Regardless of being married or single are you content with where you are and how you got there? Or are you eyeing greener grass like our pop-culture friends?
Did you arrive there by making concious choices to get to where you are and was that your original direction, or did you get there either because you didn't achieve your original goals or had none in mind and just went with the flow of life?
Happy New Year

Well.....this is a double edge sword to be sure!

I am single....and happy *to an extent* with the choices I have made. I definately arrived here through VERY conscious choices. In college I was so very goal-oriented and didn't want any 'distractions' to divert me from that goal of getting a college degree and having the career that I have always wanted. I figured the relationship part would be the 'easy' part.......sure, I will find someone when I get done with college........sure

I am looking for greener grass....hoping to find the man that would like to share a life with me yet still allow me some independance to enjoy the things that I want and hold dear to me.

If I could have a "do over" I would still have made the same choices however, the thing I would do different is to be more social and not stayed holed up studying all the time......maybe I could have met someone that would have made my life journey more enjoyable and even help me achieve my goals......well, we will never know......but, I remain slightly optimistic that I will meet a wonderful man for my own!

Great topic blindhound ~ Happy New Year!!!!

*ps......tell us your answers to the questions you have......*

 

[blindhound]

Hausfrau, Jiggy, and Tease,
Thank you all for responding. I can only hope that this thread will be provacative in a philospophical way.
Frau you are right in saying that everyone running a family needs some time and freedom to keep from getting bored. How much of the boredom stems from the drudgery careers and the all consuming child rearing, and how much comes from the tendency to be caught up with slogging through life and not paying adequate attention to the spouse/SO? Sexy underwear is good!

Jiggy, were you setting out to drive on a superhighway, and got detoured, or you just have not been able to get there?

Tease, you relate a thought I had while in college. I observed that there was a certain amount of "desperate dating" among some of the juniors and seniors who were having a relaization that if they didn't meet someone in the "target rich evnironment" of a college campus they would be challenged to do the same once they graduated.
In response to Tease, I am living the "American Dream" house, wife, kids, car, used to have dog. I suppose David Byrne characterized it well in the "Talking Heads" song "once in a lifetime"
"You may ask yourself , is this my beautiful house, you may ask yourself is this my beautiful wife, My god what have I done?"

For those of you who are not paired up, is it because you have not found any one at all, have not found any one who would be acceptable, or have not found the perfect match?

 

[pleasteasme]

For those of you who are not paired up, is it because you have not found any one at all, have not found any one who would be acceptable, or have not found the perfect match?

Well....for me....I guess it is because I have not found anyone acceptable....I am even more 'picky' now that I am older/educated. *sigh* Which does indeed make it challenging! I did meet a very nice man when I first started college. However, he scared me.....he was too serious too fast and I broke it off in persuit of my own dreams. I don't know if I did the right thing I do know, if I had met this man at this point in my life......I would not have run scared!

 

[mac_crazy]

Great questions, blindhound... I've just been lurking on Lit for the last several months, didn't have the motivation to post anymore, but your questions have done it. Nice work!

I'm 33, been divorced for about 6 years now. Since then, I've been a single father, raising my 2 kids virtually on my own, as their mom lives about 4 hours away, and up until the last year or so, was in and out of their lives after our divorce.

We were 17 and 18 when my son was born, about 6 months out of high school, and got married right after he was born. My daughter was born 4 years later (for those of you who don't like math, that makes him 15 and her almost 11). Although I've had probably more than my share of "adult" things (bar time, dating) for a single parent, I still sometimes wish things were different. Maybe that's not the best way to say it. I wouldn't change a thing, because then I wouldn't have my kids, who are what my world is based on. I've broken up with women that I really liked because I wasn't sure if they were "the one", and at this point I'm not sure if I want to get serious with anyone again until my kids are grown and on their own, because I've seen how they can get attached to someone, and I don't want them to get hurt if we break up.

Hmm... maybe I'm rambling off subject a little... Anyway, I feel content in some respects, because I'm proud of being a good father and raising my kids to be respectful, intelligent, considerate human beings. But being a parent for my entire adult life leaves me wondering what my life may have been if I had had some time to be a single adult, with few responsibilities. My sister is 35, never married, no kids, and has lived in 5 different states, travelled to Europe several times, and has experienced many things that I've never had the opportunity to due to lack of time and/or money. However, I know that she envies me too, knowing that I've had the pleasure of being a parent, which, unless you've done it, is indescribable (to me, anyway).

I'm a college graduate, have a pretty decent job, and am grateful to be as fortunate as I am, especially when I consider what others in this world have to suffer through.

But am I really, truly, happy and content with who I am and how I got there? Depends on the day, I guess.

(just re-read that, and not sure if there's an answer in there anywhere, but it's my 2 cents, anyway).

 

[mac_crazy]

PS: "The Family Man" is a great movie... I get all misty-eyed every time I watch it. Plus, Tia Leoni is hot.

 

[blindhound]

Going back to the movie reference, the family man had a certain amount of hubris having "everything I need". You, on the other hand, seem to recognize that the elusive partner would be nice though you seem satisfied with your lot in life.
Are you saying that if you found someone as enthusiastic as the man you met in college he would not scare you off? Was he one of the desparate upperclassmen?

The continued question for the folks reading the thread is how does your foray onto lit dovetail with your situation?

 

[blindhound]

Mac
great reply. This is becoming the kind of thread I had envisoned.
I guess you and your sister understand the paradox.
And Tia Leone is beautiful

 

[mac_crazy]

question 2

"The continued question for the folks reading the thread is how does your foray onto lit dovetail with your situation?"

Well, I've always been very sexually curious, but also quite private about it... I'm bisexual, but only a few select friends know it. So I've always been looking around for more people who are open-minded like I am, and stumbled onto Lit one day a couple years ago. And I must say, I've met some of the coolest people on here! Unfortunately, very few in Michigan, from what I can tell. But I figure if I want to find a sexually energetic, open-minded person to forge a relationship with, what better place to start than here?

 

[blindhound]

My observation that the sexually explicit content of the site is too a large degree a "trojan horse" for open minded. It tends to sort most of the closed minded people out of here and on to other sites.

 

[pleasteasme]

Going back to the movie reference, the family man had a certain amount of hubris having "everything I need". You, on the other hand, seem to recognize that the elusive partner would be nice though you seem satisfied with your lot in life.
Are you saying that if you found someone as enthusiastic as the man you met in college he would not scare you off? Was he one of the desparate upperclassmen?

The continued question for the folks reading the thread is how does your foray onto lit dovetail with your situation?

Yes....if I were to meet a man that was as 'enthusiastic' as the one I met in college.....I wouldn't be quite as scared. Plus, I am more mature now myself and would handle it a little differently...say, tell him that he was moving too fast.....ask if we could slow down a bit.....you know....COMMUNICATE! lol!! You know, he wasn't a desperate upperclassmen...heck, he was a few years younger than I was and not even in college! He already had a job with the city and well, he lived in an entirely different state and well, he simply refused to even consider moving! I was a bit obstinate myself and would not consider quiting college.....

Your next question...the Lit opportunity allows me safe exploration since my own experience is limited. It has also made me much more open minded about sex!!!

 

[hausfrau]

Coming back to add a few things and answer the second question.

Though I referred to wives/mothers reclaiming time for themselves mac's post made me realize that I'd been sexist, and damn I hate when I do that. Obviously daddies/husbands need that "me time" too. So go take it.

How does lit fit into where I am? Well, having a sort of sexual reawakening right now, and like intelligent, thought provoking conversations about all things erotic. Love pictures. Love stories. Lotsa hotties running around on here.

As for making connections with others on Lit, I have been extremely fortunate. I'll leave it at that. It is a wonderful place to make connections with incredibly diverse people. I've made some incredible friends.

 

[mac_crazy]

thanks, hausfrau... no sweat, it happens all the time. There's so few single fathers, and so many millions of guys who are anything but fathers to their kids, it's easy to overlook us.

 

[hausfrau]

Which is all the more reason to celebrate daddies and husbands who step up to the plate, mac.

 

[mac_crazy]

thanks. you're a sweetie.

x 10 back atcha

 

[blindhound]

OK Mac, Frau, Tease:
What have you awakened too, or discovered in you explorations that you have particularly enjoyed and are willing to post?
I started off reading the stories and then transitioned on to the board. It is interesting how folks will open up under cloak of anonymity.
Mac, thoug I am married, I take a very active role w/ kids stay home from work when sick, drop at daycare etc. Men get painted with a broad absentee dad brush. This is not the case with many of my friends.

 

[Bob Briton]

Hi Blindhound, Mac, Frau and Tease.

I love this Lit site – there is so much to read and so many great people to meet. Great questions Blindhound..

For those of you who are not paired up, is it because you have not found any one at all, have not found any one who would be acceptable, or have not found the perfect match?

This is a very good one! I am kind of shy, not the smartest, strongest or most handsome guy. I never pretend to be something I’m not and I cannot be a bastard.
I do have a few single guy foibles with a tinge of geekiness, nothing a good spring clean could sort out! I’m a romantic who prefers to hug rather than argue and believes 1 + 1 = 3, as the union of two people in love is something special.

I’m still alone and always destined to meet ladies, already in relationships – who always exclaim, “ooh you are lovely! I can’t believe you are still single.”
Well I can’t believe it too. Am I too nice? Do girls really want an alpha male rather than an omega one?

I have met 5 women in my life who have left a permanent impression on my soul. My first when I was 7, one when I was a teenager, then another during college plus one at the end of my twenties – these 4 I have lost contact with.


I wrote this poem, just after the time I had been rejected by number 4. I had big affections for her. I thought we might have had something going for us but she clearly liked the “bastard” type of bloke – i.e. keep girls keen by being mean. So I backed off and have not heard from her since.

“Wishing”

There are an infinite number of stars in the sky,
Likewise for pebbles on a beach and fish in the sea.
Yet as I am often told, keep looking, for you will find.
One question though, if every star shines so bright.

Why then is the sky so dark at night?
You can look into a wood and see all but trees.
But where are the stars? Perhaps hiding never to be seen?
I like to wish upon a star and wonder what will be of me.

Olber resolved this paradox, as not all stars are the same.
Some being young, have not been shining for long enough.
And so diluted into darkness by the ever-expanding universe,
I guess like pebbles drifting offshore and fish being caught at sea.

My paradox then, am I ever going to find my star?
A finite one in an universe of infinite possibilities.
But then again, can I not see the wood for trees?
There is a star, which is already there shining bright!

Perhaps then I need to open my eyes and look skywards,
Make a smile, callout and wish upon that star…

The fifth is someone I still know in the US – my last star still shining? I went on a transatlantic blind date to see her after 3 months of emails, letters and phone calls back in October 2002!
We hit it off then, in more ways than you can imagine and we are still talking every week now in January 2005. I honestly feel that if it wasn’t for the big pond separating ourselves that we would be together.

A very good friend of mine has called her my kismet - that we are destined to be together.
I agree and now that I’ve finally got myself somewhere decent to live. I really want her to come over. We can meet up in person again and see whether absence has really tended to the fire of emotion or extinguished it.

The big problem, I have is that she knows nothing of my life on Lit and of my deepest sexual desires. I fear she would disown me. I find it very hard to talk sexually to her, even though we got naked together and enjoyed ourselves.

Perhaps beggars shouldn’t be choosers and that loving girlfriend companion is better than none. Does it really matter that we stop sexually at page 5 of the karma sutra and never try out page 69!?

Does anyone here have any thoughts or experiences of trying to express their deepest sexual desires and fantasies to their partner?

Though thinking about what pleasteasme wrote:

Your next question...the Lit opportunity allows me safe exploration since my own experience is limited. It has also made me much more open minded about sex!!!

Perhaps I could send her the link to this site, without telling her my Lit name and ask her to read some of the stories etc and see how she responds?

 

[peachykeen]

At 35, my life is not entirely like I expected it to be, but is actually so much more.

If you'd asked me 10 years ago... I probably would have said the by now I'd expect to be married, probably with a child or two. I'd never imagined myslef to be one off those types that pack up from the city and move out to the burbs when they have kids though - I've always fancied myself a thoroughly urban bird, and so I imagine I pictured myself lived in happy bohemian family splendour probably somewhere in Brooklyn or still in Jersey City, running some sort of neighbourhood arts & crafts playgroup and managing the local organic grocery co-op or something.

And if things had worked out that way, that would have been absolutely fine.

But as life has this way of chucking curve balls at you, instead I find myself with the husband but without the kids (yet - maybe this is the year for that...), still in a city but one across the ocean from the one I thought I'd be in. I've had experiences I'd only read about in books before, been places I never thought I'd go. I've picnicked along the Seine on a sunny summer afternoon and watched fireworks from the Champs Elysee on New Year's Eve. I've taken moonlit walks among the canals in Venice and drunk chianti siphoned straight from the barrel on a mountainside in Tuscany. I have watched the lights from Morocco start to twinkle gently in the distance at twilight off the coast of southernmost Andalucia; sipped fino in elaborately tiled tapas bars in Madrid; climbed the narrow, twisting tower steps of the Sagrada Familia to look out over all of Barcelona; and jumped naked into the cool, crytal clear blue-greeen waters of the Costa Brava. And in London, my new home city, I regularly sardine myself onto the Piccadilly Line at rush hour to go to a job that I love; roam the colourful, infamous streets barhopping in Soho on a Friday night; and cruise Selfridge's on Saturday afternoons with my posse of stylish girlfriends.

It's nothing much like I imagined, but then, I suppose I never knew it was possible to imagine this much for myself - just got very, very lucky, I suppose

 

[TNRkitect2b]

I guess I had my bout of introspection a bit early, as I took a look back when I was 28 and thought about where I was and where I was going.

Now at 33 (and still single) I have sold the house, and been a full-time student for 3 1/2 years. I am studying what I love, and feel that I am just getting started a bit later than usual.

I took a few detours along the way, mostly having to do with service in unform (9 years total) but to be honest, I am pretty happy whith what I am and where I am going.

The only thing missing is someone to experience this great adventure called life with.

There have been plenty of close calls and could have beens, but as of yet, I haven't found anyone that fits. But, I figure if I look I will never find, as life always likes to through those sorts of curve balls at ya when you least expect them! So, I continue on, living my life by my rules.

Lit for me is just a place to meet those that are as open-minded about life and sex as I am. I have great discussions here, and will shamelessly admit to perusing the stories from time to time to get the excitement going.

great thread!

 

[mac_crazy]

The big problem, I have is that she knows nothing of my life on Lit and of my deepest sexual desires. I fear she would disown me. I find it very hard to talk sexually to her, even though we got naked together and enjoyed ourselves.

Perhaps beggars shouldn’t be choosers and that loving girlfriend companion is better than none. Does it really matter that we stop sexually at page 5 of the karma sutra and never try out page 69!?

Does anyone here have any thoughts or experiences of trying to express their deepest sexual desires and fantasies to their partner?

I can *totally* relate, Bob! I've dated 3 women seriously in the last 6 years, and the number I felt comfortable expressing my real, true sexual desires? Zero. They never knew of my bisexual urges, or my other "deviant" fantasies. With one of them, I had a very good sexual relationship, but it was still not everything I desired. With all of them, the reason we split up wasn't solely the fact that our sex lives weren't "perfect", there were definitely other reasons. But I can say with total honesty that with each of them, despite feeling at times that they were really "the one" for me, the thought that I could never be completely open and disclose everything I really feel to them always stuck in my head.

I often wondered, if I always had secrets that I couldn't tell, how could the relationship last? And of course, it never did.

I finally met a woman earlier this year that I felt comfortable talking to, enough so that I could tell her about my bisexuality. I told her after only a few weeks of knowing her, so that it wouldn't be a huge thing appearing after we spent months and months together. She was quite shocked by it, and (dare I say) maybe a bit disgusted at first... but she didn't run away. We were able to get past it, although it remains to be seen if it's something that she would be able to accept, or if she would have given me the ultimatum of "you can never be with a guy again, as long as you're with me", to which I'm not sure how I would have responded (On an unfortunate note, this woman was separated from her husband when I met her, but ended up going back with him, at least for now... *sigh*).

Anyway, my point is that if I were in your spot, Bob, I would eventually tell her, if your desires you express on Lit are an important part of your personality. Despite how happy you are with her, if you have to the live the rest of your life hiding things from her, it can only lead to bad things. Just my opinion. Hope it works out great for you. Who knows, maybe she has hidden desires that she thinks are gonna freak you out, and is fretting over whether or not to share them with you!

Good luck, man!

 

[jacuzzigal]

Great thread

This is a great thread and I appreciate everyone's responses.

I don't know - does life ever really turn out like you planned? Mine sure hasn't. I thought I'd be happily married, driving my kids to school, as well as soccer and piano lessons by the time I was 34 years old... and that's not the case. But just because it isn't what I thought doesn't mean I'm not content with my life. I think I'm at a better place than I've ever been in, and there's much more peace in my heart than there ever has been. My twenties were spent so busy doing what I thought others expected of me I wasn't sure which end was up and I was always stressed out. My 30s have been about learnign to know myself better, and I feel like knowing that means what I give to others is more genuine and unique - and certainly more rich - than it ever could have been before now. I hope that means whatever I do in my life - whether I continue in my current career or a different one, whether I marry and have children - I'll be a better me through it all.

 

[blindhound]

All of you who have posted have exceeded my expectations. You have been thorough and thoughtful. It is nice to know that there are people wrestling with where they are in their lives.(which I suspected) Sometimes things work out at planned, sometimes they don't and then for some luck few they work out better than could possibly be planned.
Peachy congratulations it sounds like you have hit gold.
Jacuzzi you are soo right. I found when in my early 20's I was doing stuff to please "them", with a little maturity and wisdom I like you have come to realize the choices need to made for myself not for society.

You all are great, keep posting!

 

[Spirit Guide]

Morning all!

A thread for Thirtysomes that requires thinking...Most cool

To answer your questions in a simple manner...

I'm content where I am and how I arrived. Things are always greener on the otherside, but I also know that there are many envious of my pastures. Sure things could be better, and things could be definately worse; but in the end I don't want to waste my life pursing the 'better' and attempting to avoid the 'worse'. As to how I arrived, I haven't. I'm still going with the flow. You're never still for long on a river.