Things you'd love to actually say at work

[cloudy]

Nicked these from another board I post in occasionally - they were too good not to share (the ones in bold are my personal favorites). Feel free to add your own

1. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
2. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
3. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
4. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
5. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
6. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
7. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
8. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
9. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24. "Do I look like a people person?"
25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
31. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
32. "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
33. "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
34. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
35. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
36. "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
37. "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
38. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
39. "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
40. "Oh I get it... like humour... but different!"

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

21, 22, and 36.

And I actually broke down once when the Boss was gone and told one of those customers who take every item of the shelf to find the one perfect one (anyone in a stocking job knows and hates these people), "what the fuck is wrong with you? They're all the same. Here, this one meets your damn specifications. Now clean it up, fuckwit!"

Surprisingly I didn't get fired.

 

[shereads]

"I'll finish this at home."

I get to work at home now, until they figure out how much fun I'm having. It's the first time in my long and too-varied working life that I've actually liked saying anything at the office that wasn't sarcastic.

 

[shereads]

Oops! I misread it. I thought the title was, "Things you actually like saying at the office."

And I actually had an answer! I'm astonished. And grateful. This job is an even bigger improvement over all the others than I realized.

 

[Guest]

Love them all!

I have a few more -

41. It's so cute that you think I'm listening.
42. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
43. Earth is full. Go home.

 

[dagdag]

number 3 is good.

I wouldnt mind adding: U R FIRED!!!

I didn't even use that on this guy who got caught stealing... He ended up in my office crying and apologizing... I actually did not fire him; he knew that he had to go, and found another job and left w/o a problem.

 

[doormouse]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may easily be offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) Try Saying: I think you could use more training
Instead Of: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
2) Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter
Instead Of: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
4) Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: No Fucking way.
5) Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: You've got to be shitting me!
6) Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project
Instead Of: It's not my fucking problem.
8) Try Saying: That's interesting
Instead Of: What the fuck?
9) Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented
Instead Of: This shit won't work.
10) Try Saying: I'll try to schedule that
Instead Of: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
11) Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head up his ass.
12) Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Eat shit and die.
13) Try Saying: So you weren't happy with it?
Instead Of: Kiss my ass.
14) Try Saying: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment
Instead Of: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
15) Try Saying: I don't think you understand
Instead Of: Shove it up your ass.
16) Try Saying: I love a challenge
Instead Of: This job sucks.
17) Try Saying: You want me to take care of that?
Instead Of: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18) Try Saying: I See
Instead Of: BlowMe
19) Try Saying: He's somewhat insensitive
Instead Of: He's a prick.

We feel this will lead to a happier, healthier work environment for everyone!
Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[arienette]

Oh how I would love to add some of those to my vocabulary! I'm a telemarketer, so I'm parcial to a lot of them.

 

[goro goro]

Don't bother coming in tomorrow. We already burnt your desk and dumped the ashes in your car.

Also, my sig. I actually do say that when I receive unwanted mail or memos.

 

[goro goro]

Just remembered what my father always told me: " Don't do as I do, do as I say !"

 

[Green_Gem]

Brilliant, Cloudy and Doormouse! Thanks! I can soo identify!

Green_Gem

 

[Svenskaflicka]

LMAO

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Don't give me any ideas, people! I work as a telemarketing person, and I start work at 11.30 today...

 

[C's Button]

Memo to all non managerial staff:

Recently there has been an out break of good humour and enjoyment in your working environment, resulting in outbreaks of laughter, lowered blood pressure, lack of tension and finally, increased customer service and satisfaction. This simply will not do.

To survive in this cut-throat business world, low morale is a must. We cannot have you coming in every day happy to be here and ready to go to work. There fore, we will be enacting new policies.

Breaks Will now be scheduled so that they occur at wholly inappropriate intervals, preferably at the very beginning or end of your shift. Federal law mandates we must give you a break. It does mandate when or how we do so.

Breaks will be scheduled to coincide with the breaks of the person you least like. To ruin your break time by pairing you with someone you cannot stand will improve on time job function, as you will use any excuse to escape said imbecile and return to your desk.

There will be no unscheduled sick time. If you wish to be off sick, you must schedule 90 days in advance or your request will be denied. Please schedule the appropriate illness during the appropriate time of year. I.E. you cannot schedule flu during the spring hay fever season or you cannot schedule a cold when chicken pox is making the rounds.

A new category will be added to your employee review entitled "suck up and groveling". "Suck up" refers to your year round ability to brown nose your superiors. "Groveling" is the actual act of groveling to keep your job or earn a raise during the physical review.

With these new policies in place, we hope to inspire the same level of hypertension and fear we previously enjoyed. Please do your part by snitching on other employees and stealing their reserved parking spaces.

 

[china-doll]

I actually had a co-worker (male) say No. 39 to another co worker (female) a few years ago. Not surprisingly, he was fired.

 

[Honey123]

Love these!!!

I normally give my boss the finger...to which he laughs.

I have told him that I wished his name was Richard so I could call him DICK all day long..

He has said, "Can you come in here, I need to give you diction."
and I have responded..."NO, I don't think so...what do you think I work here?" he would say, "Not as of tomorrow." I would say, "Cool, can I leave now?" Then he would just yell, "GET IN HERE!"

We have been told we act like an old married couple....HEAVENS!!!

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Have we yet mentioned:

44: "...and that is my problem...how?"

 

[SeaCat]

Any resemblance between this paycheck and a living wage is completely accidental.

Cat

 

[minsue]

Oh how I would love to add some of those to my vocabulary! I'm a telemarketer, so I'm parcial to a lot of them.

A good quick "Fuck you very much" at the end of a call works wonders. Just make sure to say it fast and cheerful.

 

[minsue]

Don't give me any ideas, people! I work as a telemarketing person, and I start work at 11.30 today...

I'd say see above, but I don't know how well it would translate.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

If you see a quarter's worth of concern in my eye call someone who gives a damn. To the office manager who seemed to thing her fuck ups were my emergencies.

Well, your lawyer is an idiot too. To the customer who threatened to dump 10.000$ worth of furniture in the parking lot and said her lawyer said she was within her rights to do so.

We don't deliver to Inverness. To the customer screaming because her delivery was late.

My best:

In the interest of keeping my job, I took the liberty of copying the time cards of the delivery guys along with the delivery logs. Would you like to explain to the attoney general how three guys who were off made a delivery of should I? To the regional manager sent to fire me because I wouldn't be bullied by his hand picked store manager.

 

[R. Richard]

I found a sort of general solution to people problems I had at work. Surprisingly, it was a one word substitution. I started saying "fantastic!" instead of "bullshit!"

 

[JRaven]

I found a sort of general solution to people problems I had at work. Surprisingly, it was a one word substitution. I started saying "fantastic!" instead of "bullshit!"

We had a guy at work that said "Fantastic!" about every other word. You anywhere near Missouri?

 

[JRaven]

45) We still have time for a quickie before this meeting.

 

[R. Richard]

We had a guy at work that said "Fantastic!" about every other word. You anywhere near Missouri?

I am nowhere near Missouri. However, you will still have to show me!