These things change us

[Jimi]

Sitting vigil with someone is an honour, I think. That part of the continuum is pretty amazing... especially as the pain slips away, and the entry into the Spiritual phase of Life begins actively.

Some of you may remember some reflections I made a couple of years ago, upon the bodily death of my Aunt - the fact that she refused to let go until my 36-hr. "shift" was over and my Dad, her brother, had arrived... For some reason, she wanted me to say goodbye while she still breathed peacefully - with a BP of 40-something... talk about "choosing your time".

In sadness, there's an awe-ful beauty inherent... at least in my limited experience with a loved one.

Good thread, JP.

 

[just pet]

Sitting vigil with someone is an honour, I think. That part of the continuum is pretty amazing... especially as the pain slips away, and the entry into the Spiritual phase of Life begins actively.

Some of you may remember some reflections I made a couple of years ago, upon the bodily death of my Aunt - the fact that she refused to let go until my 36-hr. "shift" was over and my Dad, her brother, had arrived... For some reason, she wanted me to say goodbye while she still breathed peacefully - with a BP of 40-something... talk about "choosing your time".

In sadness, there's an awe-ful beauty inherent... at least in my limited experience with a loved one.

Good thread, JP.

Thank you, Jimi

People do indeed seem to often choose the moment of death

Wonderful sharing, Jimi

I admitted a new patient once, an orthodox Rabbi
He was sitting in his chair, looking out to the world, some of his beloved congregation and adoring family surrounding him.
The son went out to an anniversary dinner, and his father took a turn for the worse

His breathing stopped

His caregiver of 7 years cried and begged for him to wait until the son returned

A longer pause, more pleading

A breath, then steady breathing

The son arrived, telling his father he loved him

Then the Rabbi died

 

[nitengale]

This thread has allowed me to revisit my own dad's death. One of the greatest gifts my dad ever gave me was the gift of being with him at the end. I lived out of state, and constantly worried if I would be available when he finally died. Not only was I home, but I was with him when he drew his last breath.

Thanks daddy.

 

[just pet]

This thread has allowed me to revisit my own dad's death. One of the greatest gifts my dad ever gave me was the gift of being with him at the end. I lived out of state, and constantly worried if I would be available when he finally died. Not only was I home, but I was with him when he drew his last breath.

Thanks daddy.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Thank you from all of us who have the honor of being part of the hospice experience
Thank you for allowing us in at this most private and sacred time

I am so sorry about your mother
No one has any idea how tough that is to watch someone you love dwindling and leaving slowly
I do hope they are there for you still

You honour me just pet. This thread is a truly humbling experience and for that I thank you. It took me while to reply to your post as I was having a bit of a sob... something that still happens from time to time.

Unfortunately here in New Zealand there is very little support for the families of the dead or dying. Being the oldest it was up to me to do all the arranging and everything else that family members dread on the death of a loved one. As a result I never got a chance to grieve for my mother who was also my best friend. Eight months, one total emotional breakdown and a course of Aropax later I'm on the mend. I thank god every day for a very special friend and fellow literotican who kept me sane... kjtatts.

Nurses here in New Zealand are so overworked it is nearly an impossibility for them to give aid to the healthy and living. After speaking to a few who came to my mothers funeral I have an immense amount of respect for the nursing profession.

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: These things change us

Yes

But they always want to know when
They assume we will be able to ease the pain
But WHEN WHEN WHEN will the person die

This seems to be the most frequent question

A hospice nurse brought us a booklet that explained what happened to a person who was dying and what signs to look for. It was an "easy" read that took no more than 10 or 15 minutes. But in the minutes that I read that book, my eyes were opened and I realized my dad was so close to the end that he likely wouldn't be there by morning. And he wasn't.

Giving the family the information they need to "know" and cope is critical. I wish we'd had that nurse come to see us weeks before, but my dad was in hospice care such a short period of time that no one had the chance to prepare us for his death to be so soon.

I would have liked to have "known" sooner. I think giving that knowledge should be part of the oncologist's job. Waiting for the hospice help is too late in the process.

Thank all of you medical people for what you do. You ARE appreciated and never forgotten by the families you help.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Freya]

I love you.

Ditto this.

 

[The Heretic]

As the world around us seems to spin out of control, and we have so many pressing and "important" problems to deal with - a wakeup call to remind us what is truly important in our lives is sometimes necessary.

 

[Cleopatra]

Changes

One of the things that changed me was getting a phone call, and finding myself suddenly on the other end of campus without any real knowledge how I got there. I was told I ran faster than anyone had ever seen, and I was no athlete then.

Another was the sound of car tires screeching just before getting in an accident.

Another was standing alone in the vestibule just seconds before Dad walked me down the isle. Then came the days in the hospital with new lives in my arms, and all the wonderment that comes along with the frustration and the long sleepless nights.

I think if we're smart, we take all the moments that change us, reflect on them, hold them in our hearts, and learn from them.

It looks like you did that, JP. I've no doubt that you helped the family go through one of their most painful changes too.

 

[Silverlily]

A phone call.


Literally in under 60 seconds, I went from careerwoman with a shiny new promotion to unemployed caregiver. (Note - not employed does NOT mean not working.) My entire focus changed from something I knew like the back of my hand to the most unfamiliar territory ever.

Not only did I have to learn to provide for my mother, terminal ALS, but now my father as well who was disabled, but going to survive, from a stroke. I also had to learn to base my self-worth on something other than job performance.

 

[just pet]

The woman died this morning, her regularly assigned hospice nurse in attendence
I thank her, her family for allowing me in
They touched me deeply and taught me more about life and love in those few hours and may I be the more compassionate for it

And thank you all
I am overwhelmed with the responses
Each deserves a return response but the day is new and today a regular work day


Perhaps I may share more stories here again...
My own personal neverending, everlasting thread

 

[36-29-36]

Wow, thanks for sharing that experience.

I work for a woman with Ehlers Danlos. I can't remember exactly what kind she has, but it is the one where her ligaments are deteriorating.

I had a lot of respect for her to begin with becasue she is in such excruciating pain all the time and she still has the strength to be kind and loving to everyone. She has a very difficult time walking, and is waiting for her wheelchair.

The thing that has really impressed me the most about her is that she befirended elderly woman many many years ago. The lady never had any children and her husband died several years ago. Anyway, the elderly woman was having difficulty with taking her meds correctly and was falling a lot. She got hurt very badly! She finally conceded to moving into an assisted care facility.

I was absolutely amazed by my employer! (She is also an interior designer) She totally redesigned this womans "apartment" and moved her furniture in three days! My co workers and myself were amazed that she did all this by herself.

Maybe it seems small to others, but I was very impressed upon by this b/c while the project was being done everyone commented on how well she was walking. Her husband said he hadn't seen her walk that well in a couple of years.

It was very striking to me how she worked out the principle of being outwardly focused. How her pain gave her enough of a break to get that one thing done for another person.

 

[Guest]

jp, your story was terrific. We need more nurses!
The experience that changed me was
hearing that my friend Vanessa died of lung cancer. She was only 35, leaving behind 3 kids.

 

[Debbie]

These things do change us.

You jp are a wonderful person. (But you already know how much I you and the fantastic things you do and have done for others)

The gift you give to the family in this time is something that will never be forgotten.

 

[shyly curious]

Several years ago, as fall approached, I saw an ad for a small amount of dry firewood. I called and made arrangements to go purchase it. An older woman greeted me and showed me the wood. I paid her and as I loaded the wood into my truck she lovingly told me how her husband had stacked it in the garage many years before so that it would stay dry. She explained that he'd passed years before and she had decided to finally get rid of the wood. A sweet lady, she was still flattered he'd stacked it quite neatly and close to the door for her.

It took several trips to get it all moved. Each time I'd arrive she'd answer the front door and then open the garage for me. After loading the last of the wood I swept up the debris and knocked on her side door to let her know I was done and leaving.

No answer. I tried the front door, the doorbell, the side door again. Still no answer.

Feeling awkward and foolish I opened the side door and called to her, ... nothing. I whistled, ... nothing.

Finally I crept into the house, and found her stretched out on the couch with a game show on TV. I called to her, ... nothing.

I went to her and found she had passed on.

After calling the authorities and then being grilled as a possible suspect I was finally allowed to leave.

As I drove away I wondered, did selling her husbands carefully stored firewood complete her process of letting go of this life and allow her to start her next life?

 

[Imgollum]

Such a thought provoking thread. It brings back so many memories , so many experiences that change you, whether you realize it at the time or not. I have attended the passing of many many people, each a different experience. Some I knew, some I loved and so many more were strangers that i had never seen until that day. Each changes you, even if ever so slightly.

I could never give high enough praise for what the people of Hospice do, they are truly angels.

 

[littlekateyes]

Justpet you are an angel.

 

[Minkey Boodle]

I've not yet had one of these specific types of experieces, but I totally me some just pet. You're awesome, momma.

 

[just pet]

Ladies and genitalmen, your checks are in the mail


I truly had no intention for this to be a "stroke pet" thread (though I do like heavy petting... and come to think of it, stroking has its advantages... but I digress...)

Near life experiences, life changing moments, reminiscing, other people' stories are what I seek


My dearest friends have come to this thread

I am made aware once more of the impact of hospice work
As I speed down the 405 Fwy to attend a death, listening to "Highway to Hell", the family is counting every minute, anxious for me arrive and make the final pronouncement, facilitating their own moving on and the grief process.
I need to remain ever cognizant that this must never become just a job. The heartfelt and deeply honest replies make me a better nurse.

Thank you all

Let me know when you are ready to hear the funny stories...

 

[shyly curious]

Ladies and genitalmen, your checks are in the mail


I truly had no intention for this to be a "stroke pet" thread (though I do like heavy petting... and come to think of it, stroking has its advantages... but I digress...)

Near life experiences, life changing moments, reminiscing, other people' stories are what I seek


My dearest friends have come to this thread

I am made aware once more of the impact of hospice work
As I speed down the 405 Fwy to attend a death, listening to "Highway to Hell", the family is counting every minute, anxious for me arrive and make the final pronouncement, facilitating their own moving on and the grief process.
I need to remain ever cognizant that this must never become just a job. The heartfelt and deeply honest replies make me a better nurse.

Thank you all

Let me know when you are ready to hear the funny stories...

I think we would all be honored by whatever you feel comfortable sharing about the amazing work you do.

Be well, shy

 

[kotori]

I don't think--no, I know--that I could not do your job.

...I need to remain ever cognizant that this must never become just a job. The heartfelt and deeply honest replies make me a better nurse.

Thank you all

Let me know when you are ready to hear the funny stories...

I'm ready.

 

[Cleopatra]

I'm ready.

Me too.

 

[just pet]

A funny thing happened on the way to Nirvana...

A bit of background...

Hospice allows the dying person to stay home, wherever that is. I prefer to work with patients in facilities (skilled nursing facilities, and RCFE such as assisted living residences) where there is a large population of actual and potential clients.
One of these is a large Italian Catholic retirement home/skilled nursing facility. A fabulous place, heavily endowed and run brilliantly by a wonderful priest. Ten of my patients reside there and it is like home to me. I am even learning a bit of Italian.

I know... so what's so funny?

Remember the 100th birthday party last week?
It took place at that facility and the festivities were held in the huge dining room. There were probably75 people there, pink balloons everywhere, well-wishing banners, sumptuous Italian pastries, the works. Elizabeth sat at a head table decked out in all pink, with pearls, white hair carefully coiffed, elegant, regal, radiant and confused as could be. Though she did whisper "Beautiful" to me as she handed me a pink rose from the bouquet we had brought her.

After the party, I was standing at the nurses' station, charting and we see Elizabeth inching her way up the hallway in her wheelchair.
There are half a dozen balloons tied to the back.
She looked so lovely, like frosting, all pink and white.

As we all looked lovingly at her, lost in our personal thoughts of mortality, wistfulness, affection for this sweet woman, someone piped up...

"She looks like a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade!"

 

[raindancer]

When I was filling out applications for my internship at the ripe age of 22, I was asked about the possibility of hospice work. I think hospice workers are in a league of their own. I don't think I could do it.

Back to the original question, working as a crisis counselor and rape victims' advocate changed me immensely. I worked with people contemplating life versus death. I held a girl's hand while a rape kit was being performed. And, I watched families unify after tragedy. I think those situations molded me into the person I am, today. I've had things happen to me personally that have changed me, but I think the stories of others move me in ways my own issues can't...if that makes any sense.