There is such thing as kink attraction, dammit!

[KoPilot]

This is probably the opposite of the "correct" place to bring this up, but I've tried pushing this on AVEN and it just never caught on (hurr I wonder why).

Now I know there are a few people here who have sex even when they don't want it or don't care about it; even if they're limp as a banana peel or dry as a bone and never climax. There are probably also a couple folk here who aren't particularly interested in orgasms.

I'm pretty much one of these people: I've been doing lots of gender and sexuality exploring these past few months, and I've sort of realized that I don't often care for sexual stimulation, I rarely find myself craving the big O, and when I look up/write porn, I prefer it to focus on pretty much everything but the sex itself. Which is to say, the kinky and fetish aspects.

Okay so anyone familiar with the concept of asexuality might have heard of the more nuanced definitions that go along with it: shit like "gray-a panromantic" or "hetero aesthetic attraction". Basically the idea is that there's a whole bunch of different kinds of attraction, and I'm trying to get kink put on that list because I experience it completely separately from sexual attraction, and quite frankly, far more often.

Anyone else get what I'm talking about? Or is your kink inseparable from your sex?

 

[Stella_Omega]

For me, yeah, but I know for a fact that you are not alone.

 

[desertslave]

I adore the whole package of sex/control/pain. With options, some from each column, please, and a little extra for dessert.

Given the choice (or if I had to choose <sob>), I would probably give up sex/orgasms more easily than the rest. I thrive on the control and the pain-centered kink Master allows me more than anything else.

A while back I was on a new medication that made orgasms obnoxiously difficult to achieve, in a sex-sense; however, I could climax from pain in all the usual ways. It took a little while to get Master to understand, but once he did all was well, and I learned to relax enough and just let the O's happen whenever they managed to, too.

So, if someone told me to choose a) he's hung like a horse and can fuck for hours or b) he swings a mean flogger and is an ace with a singletail, I'm a b-girl every time!

 

[Smittenkitten_]

This is probably the opposite of the "correct" place to bring this up, but I've tried pushing this on AVEN and it just never caught on (hurr I wonder why).

Now I know there are a few people here who have sex even when they don't want it or don't care about it; even if they're limp as a banana peel or dry as a bone and never climax. There are probably also a couple folk here who aren't particularly interested in orgasms.

I'm pretty much one of these people: I've been doing lots of gender and sexuality exploring these past few months, and I've sort of realized that I don't often care for sexual stimulation, I rarely find myself craving the big O, and when I look up/write porn, I prefer it to focus on pretty much everything but the sex itself. Which is to say, the kinky and fetish aspects.

Okay so anyone familiar with the concept of asexuality might have heard of the more nuanced definitions that go along with it: shit like "gray-a panromantic" or "hetero aesthetic attraction". Basically the idea is that there's a whole bunch of different kinds of attraction, and I'm trying to get kink put on that list because I experience it completely separately from sexual attraction, and quite frankly, far more often.

Anyone else get what I'm talking about? Or is your kink inseparable from your sex?

I'm slightly confused by what u mean by kink exactly :/ would you mind explaining it? Maybe I missed something. I'm gona avoid giving input if I don't completely understand you.

 

[Netzach]

I totally get and appreciate this. I love playing with people who are all about the fetishistic and nothing but - there's something really hot about that to me, but I think it's hard to even self-identify in the binary of sexual/asexual, or sexual/celibate.

I am sexually switched on in certain contexts and with certain people, and with most people it's about the control for me, and then masturbation later. Or sometimes I just forget to. It's like a stored satisfaction. I expressly do NOT always want to get it on playing with people. This is commonly misinterpreted, especially playing with girls who are very wrapped up in "my desirability IS my worth" and blah.

Kind of cut out for professionalism, you would think...but even that can be too much like the alcoholic bartender.

 

[KoPilot]

I'm slightly confused by what u mean by kink exactly :/ would you mind explaining it? Maybe I missed something. I'm gona avoid giving input if I don't completely understand you.

Like... being a masochist that doesn't actually, physically, get off on pain. Getting hit doesn't get me wet, but I still love it.

It's actually kind of hard to describe which is why I'm sure most folk would think I'm just pulling shit out of my ass and trying to make myself a special snowflake, which is why I'm trying to muster up the language to even be able to talk about this sort of thing.

 

[Netzach]

Like... being a masochist that doesn't actually, physically, get off on pain. Getting hit doesn't get me wet, but I still love it.

It's actually kind of hard to describe which is why I'm sure most folk would think I'm just pulling shit out of my ass and trying to make myself a special snowflake, which is why I'm trying to muster up the language to even be able to talk about this sort of thing.

Makes total sense to me. I'm not usually sitting there getting super hot hitting people, but the IDEA of hitting people and the IDEA that I hit people, gets me turned on somewhere down the pike. Usually. Not always, while it's still exciting on some level - so I can see why that's not mandatory.

For me there's no clear pattern on this, so I don't identify any one way on it. I just expect it to vary. When I was in my more "I like getting hit" phase of exploration in SM, it wasn't because it made me wet or want to have orgasms on the spot either, it was more that abstraction that got me off. I could kind of watch myself at a distance and I enjoyed that.

 

[KoPilot]

I totally get and appreciate this. I love playing with people who are all about the fetishistic and nothing but - there's something really hot about that to me, but I think it's hard to even self-identify in the binary of sexual/asexual, or sexual/celibate.

Totes. And even realizing that I'm not a particularly sexual person got me to discovering that I can theoretically get my kicks from anyone who's willing to deliver. I do still have strong "hetero" tendencies, but because of TL;DR and genderfuckery, I even just throw that under the fetish umbrella and call it androphilia. But yeah, I know I'm on the lower end of the spectrum someplace, and that's as precise as I'm going to be able to get without being a stone-cold ace.

I am sexually switched on in certain contexts and with certain people, and with most people it's about the control for me, and then masturbation later. Or sometimes I just forget to. It's like a stored satisfaction. I expressly do NOT always want to get it on playing with people. This is commonly misinterpreted, especially playing with girls who are very wrapped up in "my desirability IS my worth" and blah.

Kind of cut out for professionalism, you would think...but even that can be too much like the alcoholic bartender.

Yeah, I get that too. Except it's really just entirely within the "context" of my SO and not really anyone else. Fictional characters I can do that with too.

And eugh yeah that's a whole different kettle of fish

 

[KoPilot]

Makes total sense to me. I'm not usually sitting there getting super hot hitting people, but the IDEA of hitting people and the IDEA that I hit people, gets me turned on somewhere down the pike. Usually. Not always, while it's still exciting on some level - so I can see why that's not mandatory.

For me there's no clear pattern on this, so I don't identify any one way on it. I just expect it to vary. When I was in my more "I like getting hit" phase of exploration in SM, it wasn't because it made me wet or want to have orgasms on the spot either, it was more that abstraction that got me off. I could kind of watch myself at a distance and I enjoyed that.

Okay yeah, I think you've gotten really close with that, if not being spot on.

I would say it's an intellectual interest, but fets are really anything but.

 

[Netzach]

Totes. And even realizing that I'm not a particularly sexual person got me to discovering that I can theoretically get my kicks from anyone who's willing to deliver. I do still have strong "hetero" tendencies, but because of TL;DR and genderfuckery, I even just throw that under the fetish umbrella and call it androphilia. But yeah, I know I'm on the lower end of the spectrum someplace, and that's as precise as I'm going to be able to get without being a stone-cold ace.


Yeah, I get that too. Except it's really just entirely within the "context" of my SO and not really anyone else. Fictional characters I can do that with too.

And eugh yeah that's a whole different kettle of fish

Androphilia, I love that. I was informed the other night by M that I need a label other than hetero for my XY appreciation, because I'm too much of a queen in a squishy girl body.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If you're talking about being sexually excited because of the act of hitting someone, for instance-- then we are on the same page, I've never come because I was hitting someone. Nor have I ever become so excited that I had to drop my whip and jack off suddenly. Well-- maybe once or twice, that.

But later, the memory can cause me to suddenly seek relief.

 

[Cattypuss]

This thread is fascinating.

 

[desertslave]

Like... being a masochist that doesn't actually, physically, get off on pain. Getting hit doesn't get me wet, but I still love it.

It's actually kind of hard to describe which is why I'm sure most folk would think I'm just pulling shit out of my ass and trying to make myself a special snowflake, which is why I'm trying to muster up the language to even be able to talk about this sort of thing.

To myself (cuz I can understand it LOL) I've thought of it as a 'skinmelt' but that's not really accurate either. There are times when I don't get wet, I don't orgasm in the usual senses, but I feel this bone-deep relief/satisfaction that's much more cerebral than physical. Kind of like hiking to a peak and getting the reward of a tremendous view. I'm assuming that's it's an endorphin rush? I just get to a point where the flogging (it's almost always some sort of impact) makes me go "ahhhhh" and I feel like every muscle in the region just relaxed.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Like... being a masochist that doesn't actually, physically, get off on pain. Getting hit doesn't get me wet, but I still love it.

It's actually kind of hard to describe which is why I'm sure most folk would think I'm just pulling shit out of my ass and trying to make myself a special snowflake, which is why I'm trying to muster up the language to even be able to talk about this sort of thing.

Being a masochist, there have been times when I have enjoyed the pain for what it is, totally removed from sexual connections, desires, needs, or outcomes. Unfortunately, most PYL's including F require the sexual content alongside, hence it has not been an often thing, nor recent times. Don't get me wrong, I love sex and orgasms, but there are times I could bypass it all for indulging unashamedly and unrestricted in pain without the rest.

Catalina

 

[desertslave]

M will laugh when he sees this: "Please, Sir, just fucking HURT me!"

 

[KoPilot]

Androphilia, I love that. I was informed the other night by M that I need a label other than hetero for my XY appreciation, because I'm too much of a queen in a squishy girl body.

Yeah, it was a really useful word to learn. Not having the vocabulary to describe "I feel like I could really be anything in whatever kind of body with whatever parts and I'd still be a sub attracted to men and manly-types" was a huge hurdle that I couldn't really mentally cross without it.

 

[KoPilot]

If you're talking about being sexually excited because of the act of hitting someone, for instance-- then we are on the same page, I've never come because I was hitting someone. Nor have I ever become so excited that I had to drop my whip and jack off suddenly. Well-- maybe once or twice, that.

But later, the memory can cause me to suddenly seek relief.

I used to do that sometimes (and fail miserably-- part of the reason I said to hell with masturbation), but now I just sit and remember fondly and enjoy the stomach butterflies. *w*

Yeah, maybe it is partly a "rush" thing-- like remembering the feeling of catching that perfect wave.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I have to say that for me my kink is inseparable from sex. I don't necessarily need orgasms but when I get into that really deep submissive space I desperately need sex.

 

[satindesire]

To myself (cuz I can understand it LOL) I've thought of it as a 'skinmelt' but that's not really accurate either. There are times when I don't get wet, I don't orgasm in the usual senses, but I feel this bone-deep relief/satisfaction that's much more cerebral than physical. Kind of like hiking to a peak and getting the reward of a tremendous view. I'm assuming that's it's an endorphin rush? I just get to a point where the flogging (it's almost always some sort of impact) makes me go "ahhhhh" and I feel like every muscle in the region just relaxed.

I totally empathize. Being beaten is better than a massage for relaxing me. It's kind of like a massage...just...a really hard, vigorous one.

 

[KoPilot]

Hmm. Beginning to realize that I conceive of sex in terms of earthy symbolism and natural disasters. Noticed the trend when I write erotica... it's not "ohh he's such a man" but rather "holy shit I'm being fucked by a fucking tidal wave".

I dunno, this is a big revelation for me and might be something if a Unifying Theory of KP's Fets. Explains why I crave the fight and the struggle, humiliation and pain, and this weird concept of a "natural" hierarchy between S and I (or really anyone that grabs my kink attention) that I still can't quite pin down or explain beyond "force of nature vs. human". I mean, a volcano never has to tell you to go get it coffee every morning for it to merit a very specific kind of respect. You defer to it physically and emotionally in a certain way...

Still working it out. :I

 

[ThomasShort]

I totally get and appreciate this. I love playing with people who are all about the fetishistic and nothing but - there's something really hot about that to me, but I think it's hard to even self-identify in the binary of sexual/asexual, or sexual/celibate.

I am sexually switched on in certain contexts and with certain people, and with most people it's about the control for me, and then masturbation later. Or sometimes I just forget to. It's like a stored satisfaction. I expressly do NOT always want to get it on playing with people. This is commonly misinterpreted, especially playing with girls who are very wrapped up in "my desirability IS my worth" and blah.

Kind of cut out for professionalism, you would think...but even that can be too much like the alcoholic bartender.

I love the idea of a stored satisfaction, especially in the context of a kink that may just be lolling around the universe. I.e. I see a tall girl in the street and I store the satisfaction of seeing her. It doesn't have to be associated with the release, only the pleasure.

And that would be my two cents; I love the concept of pansexuality, where it is all about what you find attractive and not defined by limitations. I am heterosexual because I sleep with women, I dont sleep with women because I am heterosexual, if that makes sense. My definition comes about because of what I enjoy, I don't enjoy only specific things because of my definition.

I think I may incorporate stored pleasure into my life now; I find that if we can enjoy kinks, sex etc on numerous levels - a panpleasure so to speak - then all will be much more joyous. Yes, I agree with all that has been said in regards to pleasure being multifaceted and multilayered.

This thread is fascinating.

Mightily concur with you there.

To myself (cuz I can understand it LOL) I've thought of it as a 'skinmelt' but that's not really accurate either. There are times when I don't get wet, I don't orgasm in the usual senses, but I feel this bone-deep relief/satisfaction that's much more cerebral than physical. Kind of like hiking to a peak and getting the reward of a tremendous view. I'm assuming that's it's an endorphin rush? I just get to a point where the flogging (it's almost always some sort of impact) makes me go "ahhhhh" and I feel like every muscle in the region just relaxed.

As I have played with hypnosis, and one suggestion makes RP more vivid for me - I have been known to smell perfume if deep and erotic enough - the idea of cerebral satisfaction is very much dear to me. In fact, to experience my fetishes, it is all done with my mind. And a little touching...

I have to say that for me my kink is inseparable from sex. I don't necessarily need orgasms but when I get into that really deep submissive space I desperately need sex.

I do agree that when I have been played with numerously the need to release is just very strong.

 

[KoPilot]

Ha! Interesting that an SM replies to this..!

I.e. I see a tall girl in the street and I store the satisfaction of seeing her. It doesn't have to be associated with the release, only the pleasure.

For me, it's a deeper, slower, much bigger and lumbering sort of pleasure that never quite sees release. For me, it's the ultimate orgasm denial... except that said orgasmic moment is death. My chastity device is self-preservation and actualization. But the pleasure is still awesome, even though it waxes and wanes, never completely disappearing and never completely seeing fruition.

My definition comes about because of what I enjoy, I don't enjoy only specific things because of my definition.

It's descriptive, not prescriptive.

 

[ThomasShort]

I want to experience so much, including the impossible. A kink can do that, an orgasm cannot, for an orgasm is linked to the physical.

I can then lead the pleasure from the fantasy to the physical however.