There is no middle ground in the war on terror

[Sandia]

This is great satire.

By Ysanne Isard
“War on terror not over
yet” Emperor declares.
CORUSCANT—Presiding over a
memorial service commemorating the
victims of the attack on the Death Star,
the Emperor declared that while recent
victories over the Rebel Alliance were
“encouraging, the War on Terror
is not over yet.”
“We will continue to fight these
terrorists, and the rogue
governments who harbour them,
until the universe is safe, once
and for all, and the security of the
Empire ensured”
It was one year ago today that
the Death Star, perhaps the
greatest symbol of the Empire’s
might, was destroyed in an attack
by fanatic Rebels, who used small,
single-person crafts to infiltrate
seemingly impenetrable
defences. Thousands of
mourners were on hand to
remember and pay tribute to the
victims and their families.
“We lost our innocence that day,”
reflected one mourner. “I guess
we thought we were immune from
the kind of violence that happens
in other galaxies. We were wrong.”
“I lost hundreds of buddies that day,”
said one teary-eyed Stormtrooper. “Guys
whose only crime was trying make to
make that Universe a safer place.”
Although the day was coloured by
sadness, the mourners found some relief
in the news of a decisive victory over the
Rebels.
In an attack led by the Empire’s Secretary
of Hate, Darth Vader, imperial troops were
able to rout hundreds of Rebels from a
network of caves underneath the surface
of the icy planet Hoth. “We’re not sure
we got them all,” said Vader. “There are a
lot of places to hide in those caves. But
we’ve delivered a powerful blow to the
terrorist’s infrastructure that’s for sure.
Today, the Empire has struck back.”
Initial reports are unclear as to the fate of
Luke Skywalker, a hero among the Rebels,
who is rumoured to have delivered the
fatal blow to the Death Star. Skywalker, a
former desert-dweller from the planet
Tatooine, became a part of the Rebellion
after family members were killed.
Skywalker was trained by a militant wing
of the Rebels, known as the “Jedi
Knights.” Fanatical in their religious
beliefs, the Jedi Knights claim to derive
their power from the mystical “Force”.
It’s believed that Skywalker was
specifically trained by infamous terrorist
Obi-wan Kenobi. Kenobi, occasionally
called “Ben” and easily recognised by
his bearded visage and long, flowing
robes, achieved near-martyr status
among the Rebels after his death last year
during a spy mission. His more fervent
followers believe that Kenobi lives on
within them today, some even claiming
to hear his voice during times of duress.
The attack on the Death Star came shortly
after the Empire’s destruction of
Alderaan, a planet whose government
was known to harbour terrorists.
Responding to criticism over the total
annihilation of the planet, an obviously
emotional Vader (who was having
difficulty breathing) stated, “There is no
middle ground in the War on Terror.
Those who harbour terrorists are
terrorists themselves. Alderaan
was issued ample warning. The
fight for continuing freedom is
often burdened by terrible cost.”
The cost of this war can still be
seen today in the continuing
efforts to build a coalition
government on Tattooine.
Longstanding animosities among
the planets various ethnic groups,
including the Jawas, Tusken
Raiders and scattered human
settlers, have been an impediment
to the peace process. The Empire
will continue to maintain a small
peace keeping force until a
provisional government is finally
in place.
Much of the difficulty in fighting
the Rebel forces stems from their
lack of a central organising
structure. “They don’t play by the
traditional rules of war,”
complained one spokesman.
“They come in all shapes and sizes, united
only by their single-minded desire to
destroy the Empire before it destroys
them.”
The Emperor closed his comments today
by stating that “the cowardly attack on
the Death Star left a deep scar on the
Empire. However, we will not stop
fighting until every last evildoer has been
brought to justice.” He paused for several
moments, wiping away a tear and added
with determination, “We will never
forget.”
“I wish we could all just get along,” said
one of the mourners. “But it’s hard to offer
an olive branch to a cult of religious
fanatics whose main tool is violence and
who insist on calling us the Dark Side.”
emperor’s ‘war on terror’
Kenobi
WANTED
Dead or lifeless

http://neucleus.une.edu.au/issues/5neucp14.pdf

 

[cybergirly]

~hijack~

Hi Sandia, where have you been hiding?