There have been threads about getting your nilla spouse to walk on the kink side

[WriterDom]

And I've always seen that as difficult based on conversations with so many women who are looking outside their marriage or relationships to fill their needs.

This is not about that.

Most of us who have been in and around the lifestyle know where to look to find like-minded partners. But we don't walk around with whips and collars 24 hours a day. Well, some might.

But what happens when you meet someone outside of our little community and a friendship develops. And it becomes pretty obvious that the person wants to move beyond a friendship. Is it better to lay all your cards on the table before you cross the line? That would seem like a real system overload for someone who might possibly have little clue about what we are about. But that seems the most honest approach to me. Or do you move slowly and gently probe around the edges to perhaps see what potential there is of her being open to it?

 

[Shadowsdream]

A difficult question to answer without looking opinionated. For Me that is.

I have seen so many *love* relationships endure for months and sometimes years. Endure, survive but seldom thrive when real needs have never been completely and honestly aired.

The longer it takes to expose this side of our sexuality the less likely the exposure will ever be 100% ,as through the vanilla relationship we get the perception that our partner would not, could not understand or have any interest at all. They may even think less of us.

This perception is often erroneous but can still imbed its ugly head in our conciousness.

Perhaps other questions that this question begs to have answered are....is the relationship more important than the BDSM need...if you stifle the needs can you survive the guilt of your secret and the frustration of your own denial?

I prefer up in your face honesty with D/s...I have never enjoyed wasting My time in a relationship that could never be 100% fullfilling..I also feel that honesty is a two way street. If I am not giving it I don't deserve to recieve it.

Not speaking of this need is deceptive in My opinionated opinion.

I hope this has been even remotely helpful.

 

[SpectreT]

Looks like I'm back to....

"Need to know": my personal policy on BDSM and kinks I have.

Personal Opinion Alert!
I feel it's best to be as sensitive and frank as possible in explaining these desires with a romantic partner since, ideally, you'd like for them to be your play partner as well. It shouldn't be dropped like a cartoonish 10,000-lb. anvil on this person's head, nor is it necessarily first-date sharing material. As the relationship progresses to where sex is an issue, these things do need to come out, as a natural part of the process of discovering one another.

Don't ever hide anything, either. Don't let yourself avoid saying things, and for god's sake, if you're giggling at all the "masters" in "Attack of the Clones", it's a good time to "test the waters" with a little, light discussion.
All Hands, Stand Down From Personal Opinion!


In answer to your question, WD, I'd favor a little of A, and a little of B, with a bit of C thrown in as well.

Oh. You didn't have a C?

Now you do.

 

[WriterDom]

It’s an interesting question for a romantic. I don’t believe there is “one” perfect soul-mate for everyone. But I don’t think people find too many great loves in their life. I think you can have a perfect fit as far as bdrm. goes, but if it isn’t grounded in love, you’re really living an illusion and skating on thin ice. You’ll find many more hedonists on our playground than romantics.

But getting back to the question, there was a time in the beginning where I had a nilla life and at the same time, was beginning to explore other options. And I pretty much say what’s on my mind, so I’d talk openly about the kinds of things I was interested in, and got pretty much the same reaction out of some women as if I had asked to cut out their left eyeball and saute it. That was five years ago. Now I’ve developed more of an instinct. Not to point to where I can walk through the grocery store and pick out the subs, as some people can, but certainly can see potential through conversations.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[CarolineOh]

I'm happy to see you come over here, BC

 

[cymbidia]

It's been six months; time to let it go.

BC, welcome to the BDSM Forum.

 

[*bratcat*]

Re: It's been six months; time to let it go.

 

[RisiaSkye]

bratcat, welcome. Drop in on the "new faces" thread and say hello, will you? Let those who don't get to the GB know who you are a bit, if you would. I mean that to suggest I hope you'll speak up more often here.

WD, I can sympathize with your dilemma, but I don't have any answers. I think it might be more difficult, actually, to broach the subject specifically because you're a Dominant male. In the current cultural climate, I think a lot of women--even those who might really enjoy D/s submission--have a hot button that's easily pressed when it comes to male dominance. In my experience (including my personal life), it's sometimes difficult to understand the difference between a loving Dom and a male chauvinist, particularly to a complete neophyte.

I've never had a hard time broaching the subject with someone I was becoming sexual with, but I've also never had to contend with the baggage that comes attached to male dominance in the present society, and I've always been very fortunate in drawing romantic attention from those who are best suited to my own tastes. I guess I've just been lucky that way.

 

[KillerMuffin]

This is one of those plain relationship questions that seems to be hiding in BDSM leather.

Disclaimer: The "you" in the following is totally generic and not meant to apply to anyone specific.

You have a friend and you're getting the vibe that s/he's thinking about making it more than a friendship and you're thinking that this might be a good thing, but you're Muslim. but you can't stand to live where it's warmer than 20 below zero. but you're in the military for life. but you're BDSM.

The way you discuss the "but" is entirely dependent on the person you're friends with. If it was someone like me, you'd be better off spitting it out. If it was a person whose only exposure to sex was Sailor Moon, you'd probably have to be more slow and gentle about breaking the news.

You can never tell how receptive someone will be to the lifestyle, but you can't make someone be what they're not.

You owe it to both of you to have the "but" discussion before there is a real emotional investment. Not unless you're willing to take the chance that you may have to chose between the "but" and the potiential lover.

How you do it is subject to the situation.

Just to recap, the "you" is totally generic and isn't meant to apply to any one person or thing.

 

[WriterDom]

I see your point, KM, but you've come a hell of a long ways in the past year on your opinion of bdsm. Too bad you didn't get college credits for it. Your nilla lens has become quite clouded. Until about 5 or 6 years ago, I had no idea there was such a thing as bdsm. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think it still has widespread acceptance or understanding. Especially in the Midwest and South.

Having a different religion isn't going to put you in jail or get you fired. A nilla husband would probably be ok if he found out his wife once lived in Reno. But if a photo surfaced showing her being flogged by a man and a woman while wearing a ponytail buttplug and a dildo gag, it could end the marriage.

 

[Richard49]

But what happens when you meet someone outside of our little community and a friendship develops. And it becomes pretty obvious that the person wants to move beyond a friendship. Is it better to lay all your cards on the table before you cross the line? That would seem like a real system overload for someone who might possibly have little clue about what we are about. But that seems the most honest approach to me. Or do you move slowly and gently probe around the edges to perhaps see what potential there is of her being open to it?

Why would U want to be involved with someone that you can not be totally honest with about who you are ?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: There have been threads about getting your nilla spouse to walk on the kink side

Why would U want to be involved with someone that you can not be totally honest with about who you are ?

Cuz he is really hot and I want to screw his brains out, not marry him!

Ebony <what can I say, I do vanilla>

 

[KillerMuffin]

That's very true, WD. BDSM has those grey areas where it's quasi-legal. It's only legal as long as the sub still says she's willing or the dom can prove she says she's willing.

Talk about "prenuptial" agreements.

I, YOUR NAME HERE, do enter into this BDSM agreement with DOM'S NAME HERE of my own free will. I state that I am of sound mind and that I am consentual in that I know exactly what is to happen and that I agree to it. I swear that I agree to subject myself to BDSM things including, but not limited to: whipping, flogging, caning, piercing, bondage, and penetration with objects other than those attached to a human body.

Attached is my psychiatrist's report.
Attached is my Dom's psychiatrist's report.

Signed: ___________________________ Dated: ___________

Witness: ______________________________

Witness: ______________________________

Notary Imprint:

However, that's the external portion of it. The internal is between the two people. Nothing can help externally. The fact is that BDSM is deviant. Deviant is defined as acts, behaviors, or mores that are against what the dominant society considers normal.

Internally, well, advice abounds.

One wonders what Prudie would say.

 

[cymbidia]

One wonders what Prudie would say.

Prudie, while amusing and spot-on with her manners advice much of the time, is also aptly named, in my opinion. I don't think Prudie would know the correct answer for some of our situations.

 

[WriterDom]

However, that's the external portion of it. The internal is between the two people. Nothing can help externally. The fact is that BDSM is deviant. Deviant is defined as acts, behaviors, or mores that are against what the dominant society considers normal.

60 per cent of people have bdsm fantasies. I don't know what the figures are for your man on man anal sex obsession. By your definition, I'd say it's more deviant. If you can show any research that bdsm is a psychological disorder, I'd like to see it.

And, no, it's not always legal if the sub is willing. More often than not it isn't.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Stick it back in your shorts.

I use deviance with no judgement. The judgementalism is solely your addition. The fact is that BDSM is NOT acceptable in the mainstream culture and you know it. Therefore it is deviant no matter what sort of tantrum you decide to throw. Deviance means any behavior that is NOT acceptable in the mainstream culture.

I'm not a shrink. I'm into sociology.

If you think my personal sexual tastes belong in this discussion, please show me the relevance. Maybe you can introduce my colon, my penchant for wallowing in the mud, and my deep desire to never wear makeup.

Gawd, you're a dick. Every once in a while I forget why I can't stand you, but you're more than happy to remind me.

 

[cymbidia]

Cut it out, you two. ~poke poke~ You've been around each other long enough that you should have gotten all this worked out years ago.

In fact, BDSM is still considered deviant and abnormal sexual behavior by the majority of people inhabiting what we call 'Western Civilization'. I'd guess that a larger majority of people in non-Western Civilized countries would consider us abnormal, too.

So the fuck what?

We know who we are - and we're on our way out of the closet at a really rapid pace, too, considering that 15 years ago we were so far inside the closet in terms of popular culture that there wasn't even a crack of light at the bottom of the door, you know?

There's no arguement here, boys and girls.
Move along now.

And WD?
I say - tell her.
Tell her as soon as possible.
Well, unless you think the whole "being in a nilla relationship" thing will work out, anyway. (Not for me. Never EVER again for me.)

 

[WriterDom]

Stick around KM, I find you to be a wealth of misinformation. It's always good to get a nilla's view on our deviancy. How about more of your pain theory?

 

[Sweetwood]

Deviation from the norm

Good God, this is getting seriously personal.

My two cents worth is this:

1. I am a pervert.

2. I am a deviant.

3. I don't give a limpid fuck what that means.

4. I am the most normal person on this planet.

5. Whatever feels good is fine with me as long as it doesn't
damage another human being in the process.

6. I am not afraid to admit it.

I will deviate for whatever feels good to me and whoever I happen to be with.

Sweetwood

 

[RisiaSkye]

KM & WD--what's gotten into you two? Why poke at each other in needlessly personal ways? I trust you both to be better than this and cut the shit.

Please tell me I'm not just being naive in expecting more civilized discourse from two people who've been here so long.

 

[SpectreT]

Jay-zis Fucking Christ!!!

WD, Ramp it down a notch or two! KM's talking about public perception, not necessarily personal opinions. A little slack, especially after the shit me, her, cym, and a handfull of others went through in the GB, would probably go a long way. I dont want to have this damn war again, regardless of who said what, or who started it.


KM, apparently, some of us are still touchy about the word "deviant". Me, I wear "deviant" as a badge of pride, but that's just me. WD apparently took it as a personal insult. I'm not saying walk on eggshells, but drinking a gallon of gas and pissin' on the campfire isn't going to un-ruffle the feathers.

Now shake hands, you two, and go back out into the yard to play.

Apparently, there's a "Cranky Moderator Syndrome" going through the Triumvirate. First cym, now WD. Risia; please try to avoid it.

 

[cymbidia]

Apparently, there's a "Cranky Moderator Syndrome" going through the Triumvirate. First cym, now WD. Risia; please try to avoid it.

~wincing~
I'm all over now, T.
Been over it for days.
Thanks for noticing.
~poke~


...and Muff is on vacation.
Won't be back for days yet.

 

[SpectreT]

~wincing~
I'm all over now, T.
Been over it for days.
Thanks for noticing.
~poke~


...and Muff is on vacation.
Won't be back for days yet.

I noticed.

What kind of friend would I be if I couldn't rib ya about it, though?

T.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Apparently, there's a "Cranky Moderator Syndrome" going through the Triumvirate. First cym, now WD. Risia; please try to avoid it.

Yeah, I've noticed the trend as well, and all I've got to say is:

Killjoy!
I'm *way* overdue for a hissy fit, I think. I've earned one, it's my turn, dammit.