There are days when I am ashamed of who I am

[Slut_loves_pain]

Hokay
Time for some shameless honesty and shameful honesty and by the time I'm done writing no doubt I'll have shared way TMI but oh well.
When I was 6 I was gangraped by a group of young men. After that everything went to hell. I had an extremely abusive mother, an incestuous father (and his best friend) to deal with for the next 9 years.
In that 9 years I'll make a list of things I've 'endured'... I mean this in the sense of abuse and not BDSM but I'll use some of the same terms.
- Golden showers
- Drinking urine
- Collars, leads, dog boxes/kennels
- Cold baths
- Restraint, binding, hogtying
- Isolation
- Gagging
- Burning
- Beating with sticks, leather, metal, plastic
- Strangulation
- Hanging
- Insertion of all kinds of strange objects
- Douching (boiling water, bleach....)
- Suffocation
- Starving
- Enforced silence
- Forced eating
- and of course the good old rape, sodomy and oral.

There is of course more.
At the age of 9 I began to masturbate. From the word dot I only EVER fantasised about violence. It was a war scene, I was a prisoner, there was a room full of them. I would be 'rescued' by a boy I liked, or even hornier, he would be tied down and forced to watch.
As I grew older I began holding my breath, inserting objects into myself, tying myself with belts, sticking a plastic bag over my head, the fantasies got more elaborate with death, maiming, permanent injury to genitals, branding. After THAT I became unable to orgasm without imagining that my breath was being cut off as these things were done to me.
In short I was acting out in fantasy aspects of what was happening to me in daily life. I thought I was a fucking monster. I would be forced to sit alone and read my Bible, day after day I would turn to Lot, King David's daughter and son that committed incest, anything involving women and violence. I was homeschooled in Mennonite curriculem and soaked up everything I could on martyrs, Joan of Arc (it fascinated me that she was raped before she was burned) I imagined being burnt alive. It matched the pain from the match burns on my breasts and arms and buttocks. Those are still there, in scar form.
When I was 17 and independant I had the unfortunate luck of being taken and gang-raped by a local bikie gang. Lucky lucky me. After the STD's cleared and my PID was sorted I went to masturbating about what??? Rape. What a freak.
From 17 onwards I was sexually active in vanilla relationships (But always with men 10 years or more older than me) and getting no pleasure out of them at all. The temptation to get out on the corner and convince someone to hurt me was very very strong. I was a pretty fucked up cookie from 17-19, ending up with a psychologist who saw my intellect and believed my past (after many that didnt) and kept me out of the inpatient ward and sane.
With his help and my husbands love I got better, but still I fantasized about the same things, had to hold my breath to orgasm, tormented myself EVERY day about what I was thinking.
At 21 I took 3 months out from my marriage and sat with me and my computer and my thoughts. I ended up lurking here, reading till 3 in the morning and rather self-destructively posting on Dating sites looking for men who were prepared to roleplay a violent attack with me. I felt like I had to HAD to release the pain from my system somehow.
Till I figured it out. I was NORMAL. That was mostly due to all of you, due to ownedsubgal's honesty and of many others here that I learnt I wasnt alone, that I was allowed to want to be tied up. I was not the only girl in the world who wanted a hand over her mouth in the middle of the night and a dick shoved in a dry pussy.
I got back together with my husband but I was deeply unhappy because knowing of my history like he did, he could not reconcile the two and was sure I'd flip out on him as soon as he tried something.
Then I met a DJ in a club and wow!!!! It was lust and D/s at first sight and from that day on I've been a whole complete person. I'm one of the lucky ones who has D/s in RL and it has gone so well.
He has sometimes done things that have triggered awful memories but has listened to me and calmed me afterwards. I no longer have the urge to have the more extreme things done to me AGAINST my will when I can have BDSM every night, thankya ma'am. My therapist knows of my BDSM lifestyle and is very very supportive (and dare I say envious).
I keep my husband and my Master in my life.
I like being 'told' to get drunk, stoned, or just in the mood, and then 'told' to get the fuck to my room now bitch, and be tied up and have his cock forced down my throat.
Most days I can say what I do now and what happened then are not related. But lately I cant.
How honestly can I say that being tied to my bed by my mother and having objects forced up me as a child has NOTHING to do with having the exact same thing happen now. (apart from a little thing called consent, of course)
Some days, the down days, I cannot seperate the two, I do feel guilty, and its killing me. Like today.
The dead truth is. If that hadnt happened to me, I would not like BDSM. I cant deny that
So I feel guilty about being involved in BDSM. Like its something I need to 'fix' OR worse, that will go away if I heal enough. Frankly I dont want it to go away. I LIKE it. But I still feel like a monster.

 

[luxey313]

Where to start

My goodness, first you are not a monster. What was done to you, was forced- there was not submission as a child. You should not feel guilty as a sexual adult that some how these abusers as a child made you warped. THey no longer control you, it is left over in that horrible rememberance. You poor thing... I would like to talk further.
If you would like to talk further, I would like that.
Take care of yourself. Body and mind.

 

[Liana26]

Oh my God... you're just such a brave person it's overwhelming. And well, what I'm about to say really belongs in a PM... but for now, I think it's very admirable that you don't deny your sexuality and I know it can be hard but you shouldn't be disgusted with yourself at all.

 

[Netzach]

There are a lot of people who have the same desires and turnons who have experienced absolutely no abuse whatsoever. You and they are not "monstrous" by dint of that. It's just more clear as to why your brain might latch onto these images than for someone who's not had the experience of sexual, physical and emotional trauma and loss of control, it's more "out of thin air " in that case.

 

[graceanne]

I'm sorry. *hugs* I wish there were words in this world to ease your pain, but as you know, there aren't. I hope that by letting it out on lit that you feel better. And, regardless of why you are the way you are, if you're happy with who you are, then don't worry about the whys and wherefores. You are allowed to be happy and content. You are allowed to like bdsm. It's in the rules.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[graceanne]

I agree with Netzach. There are people who like what you like with no abuse whatsoever in their past. Just because you suffered doesn't make you a monster. Just because you now enjoy from a position of CHOICE things that coincidently have link to some of your history doesn't make it wrong that you are now capable of finding liberation through your submission.

When my ex and I watched Secretary it wigged him out that I connected so strongly with the sub. He spent a week trying to figure out how I could be like that and spent all this time trying to see how my abuse from childhood was similar to the character's.

And for a while I tried really hard to sort it out. Was I sick? I mean I grew up in this chaos and was that why I was sub? Maybe... I dunno... But I do know that I find pleasure in doing things my way. And my way is the way of submissivness. It helps me feel whole, and IMO if you feel whole then you feel whole. Tha'ts all that counts.

Huggles to you dear. From someone who thinks too much to someone who may be thinking too much. (It really isn't the easiest quality to have that whole thinking a lot thing...)

I also spent some time trying to decide whether I am the way I am because I was abused. I think I am, but I don't care. I like who I am, and I like BDSM. I don't hurt others, and I choose to keep it consentual. I don't push my beliefs on others, and I'm a good person. So I decided, who cares why I am the way I am, that's just how I am.

 

[Slut_loves_pain]

Thanks so much to you for replying here and in PM. I really do appreciate it.
I didnt post this to start talking about my experiences and get support for them. I have places I can 'go' for that lol.
Basically this is a touchy touchy topic and frankly a post of this type would not go down well on a survivors website. I felt it better to post here since it was in regards to the connection between my past and BDSM.
Just to clarify in case people think I posted that for sympathy
Once again thankyou for all your affirmation of my reality.
R

 

[graceanne]

Thanks so much to you for replying here and in PM. I really do appreciate it.
I didnt post this to start talking about my experiences and get support for them. I have places I can 'go' for that lol.
Basically this is a touchy touchy topic and frankly a post of this type would not go down well on a survivors website. I felt it better to post here since it was in regards to the connection between my past and BDSM.
Just to clarify in case people think I posted that for sympathy
Once again thankyou for all your affirmation of my reality.
R

Just wanted to say that I don't think you posted for sympathy or cause you want support. It sounded like something that you just needed to get out. You're right, there are plenty of more qualified people than all of us to help you.

*hugs*

 

[sigsauerprinces]

the fact is, what happened to you happened through no fault of your own. even if you do want bdsm now mostly because of what happened in your childhood-so what? it doesnt matter. guess what-thats ok. it doesnt matter WHY you want bdsm now-what matters is that youre happy, and if youre happy doing bdsm, then keep doing it, and dont worry about the "whys" of it.

i too used to feel guilty for some of the things i fantasized about-i think that some of them definately come from childhood experiences. but so what? its our childhood that shapes a lot of who we are i think, even (maybe especially) our sexuality. but i just want to stress that its nothing to feel guilty about. society has a way of trying to make us feel guilty for things that are totally out of our control. i dont worry about WHY i like the things i like anymore-my time is better spent living and enjoying my life.

 

[luxey313]

No Sympathy

That is not one what one person who has read or posted would think. That is the great part about Lit., jusdgements are left at the door. If a sub posted a thread about a fight with her Dom, would you think that she was looking for sympathy? I would guess she'd be looking for advice or comments from like-minded people.
My other guess is you are used to downplaying your story... typical sub fashion If my comments made you feel like there was a surprise pity-party for you, I apologize. Your story touched me, and wanted to let you know that there is acceptance and understanding, maybe even some who endured a past like you. Also members with many experiences of bdsm to help you understand yours.
Take care of you.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Never be ashamed of who you are or how you became you. Your past is what makes you. If you are into bdsm simply because of the consent and it helps heal you...thats great. Too many people end up stuck in hell because there is no outlet for all those bad feelings or a way to take back control. As long as your SO is aware of why, and is ok with that...good for you!

 

[shy slave]

Having read your post I does not read as though you were looking for sympathy.

Writing difficult stuff isn't easy but it allows you to look at it in the clear part of the day.

You appear to me to be a amazing, strong person who has made a choice to live and not to be a victim or a survivour.

Thats not a description of monster.

With love xxxx

 

[dolf]

been musing on how to reply since i first read it...

my first reaction was a tad mushy...just wanting to hold you and tell you it's ok to be you

still not sure what to say...cept that i understand...
xx

 

[Pure]

I think there are linkage of past abuse and present leanings, even though some claim (for their own cases) to have had nothing in experience that would predict their present leanings.

The question is to what extent, if any, your present episodes and activities reflect continuing abuse. Some episodes seem to--continued being 'object' of attack. If a set of SM activities seems a safe outlet, I don't see why it would make you feel guilty, unless the assuption is that everything connected *in any way* with the past, should be rejected.

A remaining question is to what degree your self destructive side is under control. If you are drawn toward it, to what degree can the controlled pain/'harms'/humiliations of legal acts of SM be a satisfactory substitute? If they are satisfactory, then I'd see it as a movement toward health.

 

[Kierae]

The reality is the abuse history is part of your sexual history. You were sexualized at an early age and this is just what is. Usually folks can respond in one way or another - they incorporate it into their sexual being or they reject it completely (ie shut down). Either way, one needs to work thru the issues with support of some kind because the abuse rears its ugly head at the most unsuspecting times throughtout your life.

I am glad you have a supportive partner who understands your needs and is aware enough to tend to you if you end up triggering memories (physical/emotional/mental). I am also glad you found a supportive therapist. There are some mental health professionals out there who would believe you are being self abusive by reenacting your abuse. Those would be the ones you want to avoid - you don't need them instilling their judgements. You need to remember it is an ongoing process and you will have these moments of doubt. The guilt is just the negative thinking instilled from childhood and what is perceived as societal "norms". When you have those moments, just say fuck the norms my dear because that word needs to be thrown out of the damn dictionary ("normal/sane" expectations have caused more damage than one can imagine).

Just 2 cps from someone else who has endured a very similar background, worked thru the issues and STILL has those lovely AHA! moments on occasion after a scene (it's amazing the clarity you can have after a good whipping ). Keep working on your stuff as it comes up and process it however you need to do. Most of all, enjoy yourself however you define it. If you need another ear or another perspective, feel free to pm.

~Kierae

 

[Slut_loves_pain]

ty

ty ty ty ty....
I was afraid to get up this morning and see bytor2112 or whatever, but no, surely even he has the brains to stay out of a thread of this type lol.
I'm glad to see once again I'm not alone and that people get it.
And I too have those 'aha' moments after a scene. My dear friend and fellow feminist is psychic and often I worry about what she sees in my head lol... but the day after a scene she sees me and goes wow, you look so peaceful and focused...... I hope she never figures out why... lol.
Kia kaha (stand strong)
R

 

[Etoile]

Re: ty

I was afraid to get up this morning and see bytor2112 or whatever, but no, surely even he has the brains to stay out of a thread of this type lol.

bytor? brains? you're kidding, right?

 

[graceanne]

I hate to point this out, but have you all noticed that it's rare for bytor to troll threads like this? I mean he does, but it's really rare. Bytor generally sticks to bugging people elsewhere, and starting his own irritating threads.

 

[FungiUg]

I suffered through extensive abuse as a child, although I will say I am grateful it didn't include sexual abuse.

It's interesting how we include our pasts and how we deal with the issues that the abuse from our past raises. We cannot escape our pasts -- they define us to a very large extent. But we can choose to some extent how to learn from them.

Your interest in BDSM may be directly related to past abuse. Or it may not. While you are definate about the link, I am not so definate.

However, the fact that you have made something positive out of the abuse and learned from it and unconvered new possibilities in yourself says a lot about you. It doesn't say that you are sick or damaged. It says you are an incredibly strong person who is willing to deal with the issues of abuse and yet still learn new things about herself.

Instead of being ashamed, you should be proud of who you are.

 

[Desdemona]

The important thing is you had the strength to survive. You had the strength to take the risk and tell us about your past. You had the courage to make changes in your life that would allow you to be satisfied on a variety of levels. Many of us were abused as children. I doubt seriously you would call me a monster, so why call yourself one? Now, it's important to figure out how to love yourself and accept who you are and what you need.

 

[lettinggo]

Thank you for this post. I've been lurking for some time now, never expecting to comment on a thread.

I'm happily married to my vanilla husband who is totally clueless about my need to be dominated. He thinks I just want rough sex, which he isn't into, but would fake it if it meant that much to me. That's not what I'm looking for. I've decided I'd rather keep my needs to myself than to change the dynamics of my relationship, which is otherwise fantastic.

But the reason your post means so much to me is that I had a charmed life and always wondered why I have these fantasies when I suffered no abuse in my past. I saw the last 3/4 of Secretary and loved it. Then a few months ago I caught the beginning and realized why she had the urges. Suddenly I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable to be turned on by the relationshp in the movie. Then one day I realized my need to submit is really a need for unconditional love. In the middle of my charmed life, my father walked out on me at the request of his young, new wife. My step-father was there to quickly pick up the pieces. A year later, my grandfather died. I lost the 2 men that meant more to me than anything before I was 12 years old. And the best I can gather is that by submitting, and knowing that even if I make a mistake, the love is still there, I'm getting a security I didn't have before.

Sorry for the ramble. Your post touched me deep. I admire your strength in overcoming your past. I want you to know that there are others of us with similar needs and desires that did not have those experiences. I'm so grateful that the Lit forums have been here to help me to realize that my fantasies don't make me sick or twisted. They just make me me.

 

[Kierae]

you just showed some great strength there too lettinggo. Don't be a stranger to the board.

~Kierae

 

[FungiUg]

I'm so grateful that the Lit forums have been here to help me to realize that my fantasies don't make me sick or twisted. They just make me me.

Spot on. There can be a link between abuse and BDSM... but I think it's fairly insubstantial. And the people who are attracted to BDSM who haven't been abused go along way to illustrating that.

Your desires don't make you sick or ill. Sure there are sick and ill people out there (and anyone who would treat a child in the manner described falls into that category.) But BDSM ain't it.

 

[beingbrave]

I think sometimes there is an attempt to rewrite history, to make what was horrific controllable if not pleasant, it works sometimes if you are lucky and have the right partner.
Because of my past, I really don't like being physically trapped, and yet with partners I trust I feel totally secure and fine being totally surrounded by them, I will even look for that.