The Weeknight

[Byron DeSade]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=93519

I'm a new "author" here and would appreciate any feedback on this first attempt at putting word to page. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks

 

[cookiejar]

Welcome to a fellow New York Stater! I hope you have a great time here.

As a first story this was very good, much better than my first attempt. This could quickly have became boring, the same old thing over and over, but you kept me hooked with your descriptive sentences. It is totally dirty, raunchy, and these people aren't the type of people I ever see myself associating with. That is what made it so much fun!

The only thing that bothered me, and maybe it's just me are the blocks of the woman speaking.

""God...shit...unh...keep fucking me...shit...shit...fuck my ass...he came all the way down my throat...all the way down...god...shit...loved that...lots of it...shit....fuck me faster...shit...he came soooo hard....shit...fuck my ass faster...god...I came sooo hard...shit....unh...unh..fuck it...FUCK IT...I want you to come on me...need to feel it on my face....need it..."

I tend to skip over these, I know you were trying to show how turned on she was, but I would rather see shorter blocks and maybe you describe how hot she was. After reading the story you are more than capable of describing it.

My stories tend to border on the romantic so reading something like this was a fun change and yes a totally hot experience!

 

[silversword]

we'll for a first attempt I must say well done.

like the story and the style. ok I agree with the comments above about the ...shit...shit...fuck my ass... bit. but its a small thing really.

nice one

silver