the Wanderer is back

[SlackIsBack]

City of neon appears before me
through the rain on my car window
Calling me to greater failures
and lesser dreams
Beckoning me to her heart
of eternal light
Raining Darkness on all around
hiding my eyes from all
Driving me to madness
never home
never away
always afraid
Always the Wanderer
He's back again
losed from his jar
by someone lost


_______________
any suggestions/criticizims would be most appreciated
thanx

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Welcome

 

[Angeline]

Welcome Slack!

Glad you decided to post! As I said when we chatted, I like this poem. It makes me think of Times Square! I decided to play with the poem and see how it would look with the following, which i think would strengthem it:

1. A different spacing of the lines

2. Cutting out a bit of language that may be extraneous

3. Some language changes to make what I think you want to say more consistent--for example, if you allude to unremitting darkness, then it is confusing (well to me, lol) to say that the heart is "light," which suggests the opposite. On the other hand, I think you can get away with a phrase like "bright darkness," which in its context gives you an image of brightness from neon in a dark (i.e., dangerous) city.

see what you think...


A city of neon appears
through rain on my windshield,

calling me
to greater failures
and lesser dreams,

beckoning me
to her heart
of darkness.

A city of neon rains
bright darkness everywhere,

hiding my eyes
from everyone,

driving me
to the heart
of madness.

Never home.
Never gone.
Always afraid.

Everywhere is nowhere.

Always the wanderer,
I'm back again,
loosed from a jar
by someone lost.

So. Whaddaya think? Does it help or no? These are suggestions for the poem I thought I saw in your words. If you like the changes, keep them. If you are thinking "Boy did she not get my poem," don't take them and no hard feelings. But please keep posting and joining in the activities on the board!

 

[SlackIsBack]

Wanderer part I

The Wanderer
- in search of Love

travels through space
- to the non-existent place

Where Love is abundant
- beauty is everywhere

But all he can do
- is stand and admire the view
- - from the edge of Reality

In the most Wonderful
- of his Dreams

 

[SlackIsBack]

RE: angelina

I like what you did with the poem, however the surrounding darkness and the city's heart of light was meant to represent riding in a car at nite from the country into a large city and was trying to express that visual. It isnt very clear now that I re-read it, but it was meant to be kind of vauge and surreal.

Does that make more sense now? Any other suggestions?

The spacing you fixed up is nice...I have it posted on my website the way I want the spacing...with lots of indentions...its really not an orthodox form...but thats the way I wrote it...almost 10 years ago now...is there a way you can post these in HTML?

 

[Angeline]

I like what you did with the poem, however the surrounding darkness and the city's heart of light was meant to represent riding in a car at nite from the country into a large city and was trying to express that visual. It isnt very clear now that I re-read it, but it was meant to be kind of vauge and surreal.

Ok, got it on the country to city thing. The problem is, I don't see anything in the poem to suggest that, which is why I didn't get the reference. I think, too, it's complicated because the country is very dark at night, right, while the city is alight with neon even though it's night. But "darkness' works well here because of the dual meaning. Sooooo, what's a poet to do, lol.

I am pretty literal when I write, so you might want to see how others here might handle this, but I think if you want to get that across it has to be stated more clearly. How about:

From the following opening:

A city of neon appears
through rain on my windshield,

to something like:

Far from rural night,
far from quietude,
a city of neon appears
through rain on my windshield,


And as for the HTML thing, I'm a dope on that front, lol. Lauren and Eve are good at it, and may be able to help, but I think you can't use it in posts here--have to go with the visual Basic codes.

 

[SlackIsBack]

Thanx angelina...I see what you mean by making it more detailed now...however your word choice is (as you said) very literal...I work from the other end of the spectrum I guess.

I have several other poems with this character "the Wanderer" in them...maybe I should have posted them all in order...

here is an edited version of "the Wanderer is Back"...

City of Neon gleams out of the dark ahead
- through the rain on the car window

Calling me to greater failures
- and lesser dreams

Beckoning me to her heart
- of eternal Light

Raining Darkness all around
- hiding my eyes from all but the City

She's driving me into Madness?
I'm never home
- never away
- always afraid
- Always the Wanderer

He's back again
- loosed from his jar
- by someone lost

the hyphens here show more of the form that I mentioned earlier..each one being an indention and read as a short pause...I suppose I was attempting to break with traditional punctuation...

good catch Rybka...I fixed it here...thanx...

 

[Rybka]

Welcome aboard, SlackIsBack

FYI: While Angeline was good enough to correct it without comment, "- losed from his jar" should be "-loosed from his jar"
"losed" is not a word in my dictionary, and I know because I tend to make the same mistake. "Loosed" looks strange, doesn't it?

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[SlackIsBack]

Thats right MyOpinion...a series with the same character...this particular poem "the Wanderer is Back" is the first in which I made it clear that the "Wanderer" character in fact personified me. Here is the poem that spawned this "series".
_____

Love is running away from Me
- She's running the other way
- - just out of reach
- - just out of sight

I can almost touch her
- and feel what she looks like

Then She's gone
- and I find myself

Wandering the alleys
- between Love and loneliness
______

The idea came from the last 2 lines...the idea of a lonely character who wandered the alleyway between these two streets that wouldnt intersect because they run parallel to each other...true that in this poem this wanderer is me...but most others are in third person...Ill post some more of this series for everyone to see...thanx for the curiosity...I was thinking this was kind of a lame idea.

The first of the series I posted earlier with the subject "Wanderer part I"....

 

[SlackIsBack]

Wanderer part II

Train to somewhere
- bus to nowhere
- subway to Anywhere

Ride through the Darkness
- Black Sky
- Blind Eyes

Burning Neon looms ahead
- Love dwells in the City

Fear swells in the heart
- of the Wanderer

 

[SlackIsBack]

Die Wanderer...

This is my poetry
- but it is not Me

It is what the World is
- and what She made me

A madman over the Edge
- a Madman?

An insane cruelty is laced throughout
- this sad verse

Because of You my poetry is done
- the Wanderer is dead

And I am alive -- a Madman

 

[SlackIsBack]

Madman Born

My dreams of you
- have now turned to nightmares

A vision of loveliness
- swept away to reveal
- - a new face

A dream turning
- Love to fear
- passion to hate

Dreams & Nightmares swirling together
- into a mass of cruel gibberish
- not knowing friend from fiend

A mass of pain anger and frustration
- inside my head

And a Madman was born

 

[SlackIsBack]

the Voodoo Preistess

Demon Demon
- In the night

Demon Demon
- born for Fright

Demons, Madmen, Nightmares
- and evil souls

Tearing the poet
- from my mind

A Madman was born this night
- to take his vengence
- to take his spite

To write these words
- with the Deadman's pen

The Madman lives in me

The Wanderer is dead
- his soul a trophy
- trapped in the jar of
- - the voodoo preistess
- - - Named Love

 

[SlackIsBack]

Wandering commentary

Now this series is in order, with the exception of the first poem I posted that started this string. Now the phrase "loosed from the jar" should make more sense to the reader.

Just in case the story is vauge, these poems cronicle an early breakup with a girlfriend, several "episodes" of pure anger just to make myself feel better, and then ending with finding another girlfriend and being "loosed from the jar"....

Any comments or opinions would be excellent.

Thanx for taking the time to read

 

[MyOpinion]

mmni

 

[SlackIsBack]

RE: MyOpinion

No...Im not really trying to impress any ladies..I am happily married now...these poems were meant as an outlet for my emotions

I have been interested in poetry ever since I saw "The Dead Poet Society"...I have been writing on and off since then, however, not really for anyone but myself...I just happened to post one in a chatroom and Angelina asked me if I would join this board...

does that answer your question well enough MyOpinion?

 

[MyOpinion]

mmni

 

[HomerPindar]

Re: Re: RE: MyOpinion

Step 2 is harder. Your muse must be put aside for the muse is too emotional to be objective. In walks 'Personal Critic'. Think of your Critic as Simon on MTV's Star Search. Be Simon unto yourself.

Ouch. That hurt. Actually drawing a relation between poetry and pop "culture" television is painful.

Please, no more Simon references...


HomerPindar

 

[MyOpinion]

mmni

 

[MyOpinion]

mmni

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: OK, no more Simon

I could have used Ozzy Osbourne or Homer Simpson and done a child growing up analogy.

Anything but The Teletubbies

 

[SlackIsBack]

Condensed form: The theme is I cannot catch love and I am therefore alone.

Is this, paraphrased, what you wish to say to me via the poem

Thanx MyOpinion, you got my meaning exactly. To make it more "objective" would destroy that "vauge" quality that I wished to achieve with this poem. This vaugeness was intentional for the purpose of giving the reader as much room as possible for personal interpretation.

Thank you also for your very helpful "steps" for editing poetry. I use a simular method that is perhaps less concrete, for I never actually "let go of the muse" and wish to bring that "liquid hot" quality to the page.
__________

Thanx also to HomerPindar and Lauren.Hynde for your comments. I don't mind pop culture references, which I really started by mentioning the movie "Dead Poets Society". I don't know who Simon is (I don't watch MTV), but I agree, Lauren, that the Teletubbies would be just fine to leave out.