The Ultimate Final Exam

[slyc_willie]

I don't know if this was purloined from another source, but I ran across this today in a local free rag called "Much Ado." It's a weekly community newsletter that always has something funny in it, and this one really made me grin:

THE ULTIMATE FINAL EXAM

Instructions:
Read each of the following questions carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1) HISTORY

Describe the history of the papacy from its origin to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophic impact on Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2) MEDICINE

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of hard liquor of your choice.

Remove your appendix.

Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3) PUBLIC SPEAKING

2500 crazed aborigines are about to storm the classroom.

Calm them.

You may use any ancient language other than Latin or Greek.

4) SOCIOLOGY

Estimate the sociological problems which may accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

5) POLITICAL SCIENCE

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.

Report at length about its socio-political effects, if any.

6) ASTRONOMY

Define the universe. Give three examples.

7) GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

****

There were more, but these were the best ones, in my opinion.

Get to work. You have four hours.

 

[Handley_Page]

I might manage a paragraph or three on History. . . . . . . . .

and (3) might be better when armed with a Colt .45

 

[geronimo_appleby]

finished.

the scar will heal, right?

 

[Handley_Page]

finished.

the scar will heal, right?

eventually. Got some sulphonamide powder ? Apply frequently until unconscious.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

eventually. Got some sulphonamide powder ? Apply frequently until unconscious.

i do that with stella artois.

 

[jomar]

I had a prof who held to #7 on his exams.

 

[Verdad]

5) POLITICAL SCIENCE

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.

Report at length about its socio-political effects, if any.

I loved this. Scientific rigor at its best.

 

[glynndah]

*sigh* I know some of these questions weren't on the syllabus or covered in class.

 

[WRJames]

* whine* -- this has to be hand written?

 

[3113]

* whine* -- this has to be hand written?

If we let you use your laptop you'll just go on the internet, and pay for some paper written by someone else.

 

[Handley_Page]

* whine* -- this has to be hand written?

yes, neatly and not less that three thousand words, please.
Put your name and class number on each sheet.

 

[slyc_willie]

I had a prof who held to #7 on his exams.

I think my economics prof wrote this whole thing.

*sigh* I know some of these questions weren't on the syllabus or covered in class.

"independent study."

 

[slyc_willie]

* whine* -- this has to be hand written?

Bonus points if you can do it with your toes.

Did I mention grading will be done on a bell curve?

 

[WRJames]

If we let you use your laptop you'll just go on the internet, and pay for some paper written by someone else.

Pay? Never!

Actually, this triggers one of my pet peeves -- which is how dysfunctional academic integrity is. Not that I ever cheated during my long academic career. But --

A few year ago I was working with a group down in Altanta. There were a lot of fairly new hires, and one day they were all in a buzz about a big cheating scandal at Georgia Tech. It seemed three students had smuggled some notes into a test, and they were also passing notes to each other on how to do the problems. There was outrage and horror.

And I asked them -- okay what lesson have we learned? Never look to see if the answer is out there already, and never ask for help.

 

[3113]

And I asked them -- okay what lesson have we learned? Never look to see if the answer is out there already, and never ask for help.

Hm. That's not the lesson I get. The lesson I get is that you can't spend your life too lazy to learn anything yourself in the mistaken belief that anything you need to know someone else will know and will tell you.

Because, if you believe that, then what happens if you find yourself in a situation where there's no one there to give you that answer that you haven't bothered to learn? That answer that you KNEW you needed to know it in order to pass a test or win a job or save a life?

So the lesson I see in this is: LEARN THE FUCKING ANSWERS YOURSELF and don't rely on others who might not know those answers or might know the wrong answers and screw you forever with those wrong answers. Or, for that matter, might get caught giving you the answers and get your dumb ass flunked.

That's my personal pet peeve on that score.

 

[WRJames]

Hm. That's not the lesson I get. The lesson I get is that you can't spend your life too lazy to learn anything yourself in the mistaken belief that anything you need to know someone else will know and will tell you.

Because, if you believe that, then what happens if you find yourself in a situation where there's no one there to give you that answer that you haven't bothered to learn? That answer that you KNEW you needed to know it in order to pass a test or win a job or save a life?

So the lesson I see in this is: LEARN THE FUCKING ANSWERS YOURSELF and don't rely on others who might not know those answers or might know the wrong answers and screw you forever with those wrong answers. Or, for that matter, might get caught giving you the answers and get your dumb ass flunked.

That's my personal pet peeve on that score.

Well -- to some extent that makes sense.

But with the resources we have available most of the time, it's more important to know how to find the answer. If we don't take advantage of technology, we're wasting our time. And if I have someone working for me who is stuggling trying to do something on their own instead of asking for help and getting the job moving -- that's not good.

One reason India and China are running rings around us is that they aren't so pride bound. They're willing to do what it takes to get the job done.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well -- to some extent that makes sense.

But with the resources we have available most of the time, it's more important to know how to find the answer. If we don't take advantage of technology, we're wasting our time. And if I have someone working for me who is stuggling trying to do something on their own instead of asking for help and getting the job moving -- that's not good.

One reason India and China are running rings around us is that they aren't so pride bound. They're willing to do what it takes to get the job done.

Um, weren't they supposed to have shared their work in class, before the test?

 

[DesertPirate]

Damn, that's gonna be a big scar!

 

[sr71plt]

Hm. That's not the lesson I get. The lesson I get is that you can't spend your life too lazy to learn anything yourself in the mistaken belief that anything you need to know someone else will know and will tell you.

Because, if you believe that, then what happens if you find yourself in a situation where there's no one there to give you that answer that you haven't bothered to learn? That answer that you KNEW you needed to know it in order to pass a test or win a job or save a life?

So the lesson I see in this is: LEARN THE FUCKING ANSWERS YOURSELF and don't rely on others who might not know those answers or might know the wrong answers and screw you forever with those wrong answers. Or, for that matter, might get caught giving you the answers and get your dumb ass flunked.

That's my personal pet peeve on that score.

I'll walk part of the way with WRJames. The only tests I ever gave in university courses were take-home, research-the-answers tests. What you can cram in your head and regurgitate for a test and then promptly forget isn't the point of education. Being able to figure out where to go to get relevant pointers to the solutions to problems (and where not to go) is how we actually get good answers and function in life.

 

[slyc_willie]

Part Two

Time has been extended on this test for another 4 hours. Read every question carefully and answer each one.

1) BIOLOGY

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had evolved 50 million years earlier, with special emphasis on the probable effects to the English Parliamentary system.

Prove your thesis.

2) ENGINEERING

The disassembled parts of a high-powered hunting rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual for the weapon, printed in Swahili.

In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted into the room.

Take whatever actions you feel are appropriate for the situation. Be prepared to justify your position.

3) PHILOSOPHY

Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its significance.

Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

4) MUSIC

Write a piano concerto. You will find a piano under your desk. Orchestrate your concerto and perform it using a flute and drum at the same time.

5) EPISTEMOLOGY

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

--------

Please use only a No. 2 pencil which has been honed and sharpened by the Exacto blade found taped beneath your desk. Due to financial reasons, only the blade has been provided, not the handle.

Hydrogen peroxide and gauze will be made available upon request.

 

[Handley_Page]

Re (2).
Unless there's some ammo supplied as well, use the stock like a club.

Is this a 'bring your own' tools job ?

 

[Tarakin]

Puh, I've done everything. I even had time to write a short essay about the invention of the piano and it's impact on the infrastructure of Wyoming.

Oh, and I killed the Bengal by mistake. I think I shouldn't have given him the the first part of the test for correction readying, should I?

 

[Xelebes]

5) POLITICAL SCIENCE

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.

Report at length about its socio-political effects, if any.

Plot bunny.

 

[neonlyte]

5) EPISTEMOLOGY

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Serendipity cannot exist alongside truth. Truth is a contradiction of serendipity.

Proof: Fate and Electricity are governed by the same rules. Both are invisible and only their output is seen. Both are premeditated events, fate is expressed as an output of pre-existing condition; electricity is expressed as an output of a pre-existing condition. Neither can be brought into conciousness without providing an input to the pre-existing condition. Both can be stopped by disregarding the pre-exisiting condition. Both are generated by the precise alignment of electrons to generate an event horizon. Only one can be scientifically proven, the other is entirely circumstantial. The output of Fate can only be pre-determined if Truth is the equivalent of serendipity, it isn't, thus Truth is a fallacy.





What? I've used that as a chat-up line. You've no idea the number of women who want to prove 'Fate is real'.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

i read that as grading would be done ona bel curve *giggles* first thought was can it be an imp and bel curve?