The Tard Blog

[riff]

A former student sent me this link:

http://tardblog.com/

It's the product of a special ed teacher.

May we all find forgiveness.

 

[P. B. Walker]

oh geez... is that thing for real? it's gotta be...

PBW

 

[riff]

Just the love mail and hate mail is enough to keep one entertained for an evening.

 

[riff]

ripe for lit

1/27: Lindsay's OCD causes problems:

Lindsay is a very sweet girl. She has OCD and is always very anxious. Unfortunately, I am forced to take away many of her recesses because she often refuses to do her work during class time.



She has recently developed a new way of dealing with her anger towards me: she chews away at her fingernails. She bites them down to little stubs, and will not stop until they bleed profusely. This only has started recently, but has escalated quickly in severity.



Her hand are always bloody. If she is irritated at all, she gnaws at her fingers like they are pork spareribs. It is disgusting. Her mom will not discuss this with me. Again, Child Protective Services (CPS) has heard from me.



I have programmed CPS into my phone's speed dial. Seeing as how I am calling them so much, it just seemed practical.

 

[riff]

1/28: The Tyrell Lap:

I go to another of Tyrell's basketball games. Why? HIS DAD IS IN JAIL AND HE NEEDED A RIDE!!! (He is serving ninety days for three DUI'S. This is the same dad who got his ass kicked my Mexicans and mooned a basketball game).



Tyler and Tyrell are currently under the care of their dad's girlfriend, who I met when I arrived to pick them up at their low-income housing complex. She appeared to be around 20 years old.



There was nothing but mayhem in the parking lot--kids running around, hitting each other, adults having conversations with each other from 50 yards away, a police car. I was honestly scared to get out of my car. I thought the presence of the police car would ease the fear, but there was no officer around. Someone who lived there could have stolen the police car from all I could gather.

I pull myself together and walk up to their apartment. Out comes Tyler, Tyrell, AND THE GIRLFRIEND! She didn't have a drivers license, and wanted a ride to the game. Whatever, I didn't care that she would be in my car, except that she reeked of wet cigarette smoke.

Once we arrive at the game, the girlfriend disappears, and is not seen again. Tyler and I watch the game together, people stare at me, probably thinking I was the dad's girlfriend. Things are going well, Tyrell is playing a great game, and I bought Tyler soda pop and candy. Everything was actually very normal, until the third quarter, when Tyrell's SBD kicks in.

The ref makes a call against him, and the damn breaks. Tyrell yells out "You're a stupid fucker!" He is immediately ejected. Not just ejected but aactually thrown out of the gym. The ref orders him to the locker room.

He is SO angry that he ignores the ref and removes his jersey and lays it flat in the center of the court. Instead of heading to the locker room, he jogs a full lap around the boundary line of the court. While he is doing this he is throwing his arms up and down screaming "RRaaaahhh" with occasional obscenities. He has the scariest look on his face that I have ever seen. Upon completion of the lap he exits the building. He doesn't even get his stuff from the locker room. His jersey was still in the middle of the court. Nobody in the entire gym had any idea how to react.

I calmly surpress my laughter and react in my usual manner: I just leave, taking Tyler with me, of course.

Tyrell is outside next to my car waiting. I ask him if he has seen the girlfriend. He hadn't, so we just leave.

On the way home I drive through Dairy Queen and buy them both a Blizzard. Tyrell deserved it, as the "Tyrell Lap" was possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen.

We pull into the parking lot of their complex. Still, at 8:30 p.m., there are kids running all over the place. The police car is still there. I walk them up to the door, not knowing what to do with them. Luckily, the girlfriend is there--WITH SOME FUCKING GUY!!!!! She tells me that she had gotten a ride back with a friend. Her hair looked like sex.

Sadly, I said goodbye to the boys. I was truly worried about the girlfriends ability to adequately care for them.

I called Child Protective Services the next day. My third call to them in the past month. The staff there knows me by name.

 

[honeylick]

inspiration for my next toastmasters meeting.
-smirk-

thanks riff.

 

[Bluesboy2]

inspiration for my next toastmasters meeting.
-smirk-

thanks riff.

Jumps in thread to see HL's AV

 

[riff]

inspiration for my next toastmasters meeting.
-smirk-

thanks riff.

Oh my. You quoted IFB in your sig line!

 

[honeylick]

Oh my. You quoted IFB in your sig line!

-sideways glance-

is that bad? it's been there awhile now...

 

[Bluesboy2]

-sideways glance-

is that bad? it's been there awhile now...

He doesn't pay attention to you the way I do.

 

[riff]

-sideways glance-

is that bad? it's been there awhile now...

I can't say it's bad. People do all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons.

I'll never understand namedropping.

Me and PC are best friends now. How do you like me now?

 

[riff]

1/30: Augusta gets fed up, tries to kill classmate:

January through March brings about a slew of illnesses in elementary schools. This is especially true for elementary school special ed classes. The cornucopia of airborne bacteria and viruses in my classroom during this time is almost shocking. A Level 4 biohazard suit could not fully protect you from these tard germs. The rate of contagion is similar to being in a CDC lab.



Let truth the be told: it is near impossible for retarded kids to remember to "cover their mouths" when coughing. It is disturbing when I think about it, but I have been around it for so long that I am immune to everything. Hell, I doubt I could catch the HIV virus.

The tards cough, sneeze, and salivate on each other (and myself) constantly. None of them even realize that they are being coughed on or are coughing on others.

Except for one student. This student is Augusta (for those new to the site, read about Augusta here)

The situation today was this: During reading group, around 9:50am, Augusta plus six other tards, were seated at my horseshoe shaped table, me testing their comprehension on the story I had JUST read them. (Sidenote: I had to re-read the story to them.)

Four out of the seven are sick as fuck. But of course their parents don't want to stay home and deal with them, so I have to deal with their sickness. I can deal with it, I am their teacher and they are my tards and I'll take care of them.

Augusta cannot deal with it. Even though Augusta repeatedly tells the coughing kids to cover their mouths, they do not. He probably said "cover your mouth" twelve times. He eventually has enough, and gets up and walks to the other side of the room, refusing to be near them. He says, "If they're not gonna cover their mouths, I won't sit by them." I told him he needed to come back to the table immediately. He did reluctantly, but with his shirt over his nose and mouth, like a fucking gasmask. He even talked this way.

Near the end of reading group, the tard sitting next to Augusta lays down an impressive series of foul coughs. Augusta has had it. He turns to the kid and starts strangling him--seriously strangling him.

He was so pissed that I could see veins popping out of his neck during the strangling. As he is strangling and shaking the sick kid, he is yelling at the top of voice "QUIT COUGHING!! QUIT COUGHING!!"

In order to stop this assault, I am forced to lean across the table and karate chop Augusta's strangling arms as hard as I could. I had to wail on him as hard as I could to prevent him from killing the kid.

Luckily it worked, and his arms were immediately knocked down, and the choked tard ran off screaming and coughing without covering his mouth.

Augusta was issued an in-house suspension for this, spending two days in the principals office. (Personally, I requested that the principal cough a few times in Augusta's general direction.)

When Augusta was allowed to resume coming to class, he showed up with a fucking mask that dentists wear. The kind with rubberbands that attach to your ears and cover your mouth and nose. He kept it on all day. Except, of course, during feeding time, when he made a pig out of himself.

 

[honeylick]

I can't say it's bad. People do all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons.

I'll never understand namedropping.

Me and PC are best friends now. How do you like me now?

a quote isn't whole without its author.

oh i a d o r e you.
didn't you notice?
-smirk-

 

[riff]

a quote isn't whole without its author.

oh i a d o r e you.
didn't you notice?
-smirk-

I bet you say that to all the guys.

 

[riff]

fun, fun, fun

1/31: Tyler's nose candy:

When Tyler arrives at school today, he is very excited about that snack that he brought. He kept asking me if he could tell me something. I respond with the usual "Does it have to do with the work we are doing right now?" He answers with the usual "No," and we proceed with the days lesson.

Snack time rolls around, the kids who brought their snack get it out of their backpack. I hand out goldfish crackers to the rest. My phone then rings, it is our speech-language pathologist, and it is regarding some important shit. I am on the phone with her for one and a half minutes. I then hang up the phone, and turn back to the tards.

I can't believe what I see: Tyler is snorting Pixie Stick sugar.

He had opened up three little Pixie Sticks (which he knows he is not supposed to bring for snack), had lined up rails of sugar, and was using the paper pixie stick tube to snort the shit with!

I run over to him and snatch the pixie stick from his hand. He says "Hey, what do you think you are doing??" I told him we do not out things in our nose.

He said "I tried to tell you earlier, but you wouldn't let me."

I ask him what he had wanted to tell me. He says, "My dad always snorts stuff, he calls it nose candy. Before he went to jail, he gave me a bunch of my own nose candies, and told me I was allowed to have them at school."

I referred Tyler to our counselor, who will conduct some sort of drug intervention program with him.

 

[riff]

1/16: Tard parents makes ass out of himself, literally:

I go to a basketball game at the junior high. I do this because a current student of mine, Mark, has a brother, Dave, playing. He is a former student of mine. I agree to go to the game, but I take a friend with me.

When I get there I see Mark, who introduces me to his father. His father appears to be my age, and will not let go of my hand when I shake it. He is also wearing a jersey. I hate this shit. I automatically label him as poor white trash. His behavior this night will prove this.

The game starts, and Dave is playing is playing well. He is a good athlete. Almost every call that the ref makes against Dave's team receives a loud "LOOOSER" comment from the dad. Dave fouls someone and the dad disagrees. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING, REF? OPEN YOUR EYES." Other parents are staring. My friend and I are about to die from trying to hold in our laughter.

A penalty is later called against one of Dave's teammates. "THAT IS BULLSHIT," the dad calls out. At this point he is approached by the coach about his behavior, and asked to calm down and stop making these remarks.

He is basically calm for the rest of the game, until the last 2 minutes, when Dave fouls out. At this, the dad stands up, yells "KISS THIS REF" and moons the entire court and everyone on the bleachers. He is then ejected from the game. I can not contain myself. Mark is crying because he doesn't want to leave the court. The gym is virtually chaotic with the commotion.

The game over, everyone start filing out of the gym into the parking lot, parents, kids, teachers, coaches, etc. Dave's dad is in the parking lot yelling at Dave for his on court performance. Everyone is staring.

The family gets into their mini-van, and all of them are fighting. They pull out of the parking lot, when the dad slams on the brakes, screeching the tires and to bring the van to an abrupt stop. The door flies open and out tumble Dave and Mark. The dad pulls off, not even bothering to close the van door, leaving the brothers to walk home. Mark and Dave are beating the shit out of each other on the sidewalk as we all watch. At least 50 parents/kids are watching this. They are swearing at each other and fighting ruthlessly.

My friend and I get in my car and begin to drive out of the parking lot. We get about a quarter mile down the road from the school when we pass Mark and Dave, still kicking the shit out of each other as they walk home.

As we drove by I honked like ten times and my friend gives a loud "Yeeee-haaaaaaah".

 

[honeylick]

I bet you say that to all the guys.

um, well, yeah.

but don't think you aren't... special.

 

[riff]

um, well, yeah.

but don't think you aren't... special.

I've been waiting for this for so long. Thanks.

 

[honeylick]

I've been waiting for this for so long. Thanks.

my heart weeps with joy when i am able to touch yet another soul.

you are welcome.
-smile-

 

[riff]

It's just funny. Tards rule. Welcome to the Bush era.

12/30: Augusta the thief:

On the last day of school prior to Christmas Break I gave all my tards a Happy Holidays card in an envelope with their name on the front. I also taped a candy cane to the front of each of the cards as well. I put the card in their "cubby" prior to the start of school. Their cubby is the last thing they check each day before school is out. They all had lots of stuff to take home, so their cubbies were quite full.



At the end of the day, as they were packing up and clearing out their cubbies, they all found their cards, yet none had the candy cane taped to them anymore. It was obvious that something had been taped on the front, because there was tape remaining on the card with part of the ripped card attached to it. But there was not one fucking candy cane to be seen. One of the tards had stolen all of the candy canes!!



Tards begin immediately whining and stomping around the classroom. This is the last thing I need. It had been a long day, the bell was about to ring, and I did not have anymore candy canes. I start looking through cubbies, backpacks, etc, yet could find the candycanes nowhere. At this point I actually considered giving them each a buck. The only reason I didn't do this was because I didn't have the right change. And NO tard is worthy of a twenty.



My classroom has reached the chaotic stage, and only minutes before Christmas Break. I consider handing out stickers. Just then, dear Augusta (from Archive #3, Meet Augusta--but don't touch him) comes back from the bathroom. He looks guilty as fuck, he had already unloaded his cubby, had his backpack on, and had a slight red discoloration all around his glossy lips. Hmmm.



I told him that we were missing a bunch of candy canes, and asked him if he had received a card from me, and if there was a candy cane attached to it. He gave me a dumbfounded look. I asked again, and he told me he didn't remember. I then asked him to unload his backpack. He furiosuly licked his lips and said that he left his library book in the library and that he needed to go get it right then. At this response, I knew that fat ass had lifted the canes.



I told him that I needed him to unload his backpack so I could make sure his card from me was in it. He refused. So I turned him around by the shoulders, which really freaks him out, unzip his backpack and find about 10 rainbow candy canes. The same ones I gave out.



Augusta had lied and stolen from his classmates. I was floored. I told him that immediately following the break he would lose a week of recess. He didn't like hearing that. In fact, he freaked. I also made him pass out candy canes and apologize to each and every retard. This went over even less well.



Just so I would not forget what the fucker had done, I wrote, in huge letters on my wipeboard- "NO RECESS AUGUSTA, ONE WEEK."