The Swnger Life - Feedback Requested
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RoperTrace
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countdowntolov3
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Hey RTM. Lovely story.
You managed to pack a lot of sexy scenes into comparatively little space without it feeling too rushed. I'm impressed.
Here's a few things that stood out to me as "issues." But please don't think that means I didn't enjoy your story. I did!
I especially enjoyed Lowri and Gwen switching dresses. That was fun and I didn't see it coming!
Some easy stuff first. You are adding little bits of unnecessary clarification. Some examples...
Okay. Now for a more difficult topic. Your writing is highly efficient and highly procedural. The efficiency is not necessarily a bad thing. A lot of action happens in this two page story! If you want to write short stories where a lot of different things happen, efficiency is key.
However, I think you should be aware that you also have a procedural style. The majority of your paragraph describe things happening, step by step, in order, with little fluff. Here are some examples...
I picked those two examples because they are, I assume, supposed to be hot hot sexy moments and not just transitional scenes. In fact, when compared to your utilitarian scenes where the characters move around the space, these examples are much more step-by-step detailed.
I'm going to make a guess. And I might be wrong. But allow me to hang myself by this rope.
Your efficient style runs the risk of having all the sexy stuff in the story happen too fast. Leaving the reader unsatisfied. I think you recognize this and, when you find a moment particularly sexy, you are trying to slow down the action. This is a good thing to do. But you are not changing your style to support the slower pace. And so we end up with the same step-by-step prose, just with a lot more steps.
I think your writing would benefit from a slight style shift during these lingered on moments. Slow down the action by taking a full paragraph to describe one thing. Maybe the mirrored room, Gwen's pussy, or Chris's feelings about either of them.
My last piece of feedback is fully in subjective territory. So completely ignore this if you'd like. But I think it would be fair to say this is a story full of hot uninhibited people doing sexy things well and with great confidence. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it can be difficult to relate to, and can break the suspension of disbelief for readers like me who simply can't imagine a world where everyone is a self assured Adonis.
Now, I am not giving the advice that you should take away Chris and Lowri's confidence. Of course that would work, but that would be a different story than the one apparently wanted to tell. Instead, I ask you to consider, what if you'd leaned into it?
Gwen and the couple do talk about their nerves at the beginning of the story, and Gwen seems impressed by how natural amd confident they are. Would the journey have been more compelling if Gwen had originally planned a more gentle introduction for the coupled and we watched her expectations play catch-up as she realized they were naturals? Maybe a bystander watching Lowri's show marvels that this is her first time at the club. Just some thoughts.
I guess what I'm saying is. If you're inclined to address the believability of the narrative, the ease with which the couple navigate this crazy new situation is an elephant in the room. If there's an elephant in the room, you shouldn't ignore it. You can do two things. You can remove it, or you can address it.
You managed to pack a lot of sexy scenes into comparatively little space without it feeling too rushed. I'm impressed.
Here's a few things that stood out to me as "issues." But please don't think that means I didn't enjoy your story. I did!
I especially enjoyed Lowri and Gwen switching dresses. That was fun and I didn't see it coming!
Some easy stuff first. You are adding little bits of unnecessary clarification. Some examples...
"face" is not needed. And gives a weird impression that Lowri's body parts are individually sentient if a reader stops to ponder.
"due to his attention" is not needed. It is trivially inferred from context. The impact is that it ends a sexy paragraph on an unsexy clarification instead of sexy imagery.
Okay. Now for a more difficult topic. Your writing is highly efficient and highly procedural. The efficiency is not necessarily a bad thing. A lot of action happens in this two page story! If you want to write short stories where a lot of different things happen, efficiency is key.
However, I think you should be aware that you also have a procedural style. The majority of your paragraph describe things happening, step by step, in order, with little fluff. Here are some examples...
I picked those two examples because they are, I assume, supposed to be hot hot sexy moments and not just transitional scenes. In fact, when compared to your utilitarian scenes where the characters move around the space, these examples are much more step-by-step detailed.
I'm going to make a guess. And I might be wrong. But allow me to hang myself by this rope.
Your efficient style runs the risk of having all the sexy stuff in the story happen too fast. Leaving the reader unsatisfied. I think you recognize this and, when you find a moment particularly sexy, you are trying to slow down the action. This is a good thing to do. But you are not changing your style to support the slower pace. And so we end up with the same step-by-step prose, just with a lot more steps.
I think your writing would benefit from a slight style shift during these lingered on moments. Slow down the action by taking a full paragraph to describe one thing. Maybe the mirrored room, Gwen's pussy, or Chris's feelings about either of them.
My last piece of feedback is fully in subjective territory. So completely ignore this if you'd like. But I think it would be fair to say this is a story full of hot uninhibited people doing sexy things well and with great confidence. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it can be difficult to relate to, and can break the suspension of disbelief for readers like me who simply can't imagine a world where everyone is a self assured Adonis.
Now, I am not giving the advice that you should take away Chris and Lowri's confidence. Of course that would work, but that would be a different story than the one apparently wanted to tell. Instead, I ask you to consider, what if you'd leaned into it?
Gwen and the couple do talk about their nerves at the beginning of the story, and Gwen seems impressed by how natural amd confident they are. Would the journey have been more compelling if Gwen had originally planned a more gentle introduction for the coupled and we watched her expectations play catch-up as she realized they were naturals? Maybe a bystander watching Lowri's show marvels that this is her first time at the club. Just some thoughts.
I guess what I'm saying is. If you're inclined to address the believability of the narrative, the ease with which the couple navigate this crazy new situation is an elephant in the room. If there's an elephant in the room, you shouldn't ignore it. You can do two things. You can remove it, or you can address it.
countdowntolov3
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Lifestyle66
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I read your story (or rather listened to it with a text-to-speech reader.) It sounds well written without the unusal grammar errors hear in such text to audio conversions. And while some readers don't care for an austere writing style describing just the scenes, I do enjoy such stories.
BUT... It's rather sparse in any emotional context. And for a new married swinger couple's first experience, it comes across as unreal. There's too much, too soon for an inexperienced couple.
There's no build-up to suggest the wife is Bi or that the husband is into licking assholes. You have their guide, Gwen swapping clothes with this newbie wife within minutes of them entering the club, the newbie wife giving up her dress to a stranger.
When they're on the bed, the newbie wife invites another guy to join her, pulling him down to suck on her nipple. Then he vanishes, as if he has no other reason to be there.
After they go out for another drink with the woman in the yellow dress, the husband readily agrees to allow his wife to go off into this strange club with their new girlfriend, not even asking where they're going. That's almost as if the husband is saying "Okay. Go fuck yourself, because I don't care."
A more real scenario for a new couple going for the first time to a swinger club would be to stay together for the entire evening. And they probably wouldn't engage in anything more that swapping with another couple in the same room if they're adventurous. For her (being sexually inexperienced) going from zero to a full speed, anything goes evening is the unreal part.
So, perhaps a better beginning for chapter 1 would have introduced this staid, married, but adventurous couple and how they came about finding this club. Now that they've sort of done it all in their first night at this club, it may be difficult to build on that for future chapters.
In my own Lifestyle series, my couple progresses in their adventures, with the wife not yet even in chapter 14 going fully Bi and alone with another woman. And they haven't yet gone to a swinger club, except in my stand-alone Valentine's Day story which would have been around chapter 20+.
But, overall, I liked your story and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it in future chapters.
BUT... It's rather sparse in any emotional context. And for a new married swinger couple's first experience, it comes across as unreal. There's too much, too soon for an inexperienced couple.
There's no build-up to suggest the wife is Bi or that the husband is into licking assholes. You have their guide, Gwen swapping clothes with this newbie wife within minutes of them entering the club, the newbie wife giving up her dress to a stranger.
When they're on the bed, the newbie wife invites another guy to join her, pulling him down to suck on her nipple. Then he vanishes, as if he has no other reason to be there.
After they go out for another drink with the woman in the yellow dress, the husband readily agrees to allow his wife to go off into this strange club with their new girlfriend, not even asking where they're going. That's almost as if the husband is saying "Okay. Go fuck yourself, because I don't care."
A more real scenario for a new couple going for the first time to a swinger club would be to stay together for the entire evening. And they probably wouldn't engage in anything more that swapping with another couple in the same room if they're adventurous. For her (being sexually inexperienced) going from zero to a full speed, anything goes evening is the unreal part.
So, perhaps a better beginning for chapter 1 would have introduced this staid, married, but adventurous couple and how they came about finding this club. Now that they've sort of done it all in their first night at this club, it may be difficult to build on that for future chapters.
In my own Lifestyle series, my couple progresses in their adventures, with the wife not yet even in chapter 14 going fully Bi and alone with another woman. And they haven't yet gone to a swinger club, except in my stand-alone Valentine's Day story which would have been around chapter 20+.
But, overall, I liked your story and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it in future chapters.
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