The Storm

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Hi all,
I've finally gotten my story revised and edited after letting it sit for a few weeks. Let me know what you liked or didn't like, please. I had posted this in the hangout a while back and a lot of you thought the ending was unbelieveable. Is the ending better now that I've made it more realistic? Does the story flow well? Is the dialogue sufficient? Does the story itself seem choppy?

Thanks,
WickedThe Storm

 

[gauchecritic]

Sorry Wicked the link doesn't work ( for me anyway)

Gauche

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Let's try again, this one should work. Sorry for the trouble



After The Storm

 

[gauchecritic]

Wicked,

I seem to recall the original version of this story and this compares quite favourably in my memory.

I can't say that there is anything 'choppy' about it but there is certainly a definite lack of something which, for the life of me, I can't define.

The love scene could perhaps have been a little more intense, but then that would have taken away the very gentle romantic feel, which already knowing the ending, was well laid, however (there's always an however) as soon as you mentioned the storm (and there's the title obviously) I was expecting something 'stormy' in the way of lovemaking.

I'm informed by my son that the phrase i'm in search of is 'pathetic fallacy'. Emotions/actions reflected in the elements/nature.

The pace was fine, I could find no glaring errors in grammar, punctuation etc (as if there would be any) and the reading of it was neither demanding nor stilted. (That's a Good thing by the way)

The denoument (sp) was a little bit protracted and would have worked equally well with this:

"The sound of the doorbell jolted Mandy awake at six a.m. She jumped up quickly, grabbing and putting on her robe as she ran to the door so that the bell wouldn't wake Joe. She opened the door just a crack to see who it was. Rubbing her sleep hazed eyes she wasn't sure if she was seeing straight when she saw the officer that stared back at her.

"Mrs. Wilmington", the man in uniform asked?

Mandy nodded

"There was an RTA at midnight last night and your husband..."

"No. NO... "

She blanched knowing somehow, what news the officer brought without another word being said, and denying it with all her being.

She was confused; her heart was racing, tears started to streak down her face and she began sobbing uncontrollably. She slowly made her way across the room, standing on his side of the bed; with a trembling hand she reached out and picked up the single red rose lying on his pillow. "

Then you would have had to extend the love scene to make up missing space.

Gauche

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

gauchecritic,
Thank you for your time and thoughts.

I can't say that there is anything 'choppy' about it but there is certainly a definite lack of something which, for the life of me, I can't define.

This is exactly what I'm thinking, there is something missing, I just can't put my finger on it. I think maybe that it's why I feel it reads choppy, because my minds knows something is missing from a few areas.

The love scene could perhaps have been a little more intense, but then that would have taken away the very gentle romantic feel, which already knowing the ending, was well laid, however (there's always an however) as soon as you mentioned the storm (and there's the title obviously) I was expecting something 'stormy' in the way of lovemaking.

I agree, I have the worst time with coming up with a title for stories. Also I liked the way you set up the ending. I could have squeezed in another sex scene that way. Anyway, things to keep in mind for future works.

Thanks again for your time and helpful ideas.

 

[Octavian]

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Wicked-N-Erotic

I hope you're not averse to the opinion of someone who only has one story to his name. I think the preliminary scenes were a bit bland. Here are my suggestions as to how it could be written.

She went on through the day [hanging and rehanging](repositioning) the pictures on the ivory colored walls. [Moving them from one side of the room to another because of the glare from the many windows in their new beach house.] (She was trying to minimise the reflected light; a difficult task given that their new beach house had so many windows) They had dreamed of this house for a long time and now it was finally theirs.

Mandy loved the [smell] (salt tang) of the ocean; [the scent was all through] (It pervaded) the (whole) house. First thing every morning she'd open the windows, take a deep breath and fill her lungs with the crisp salty air. She especially loved (the natural light that the large windows afforded, the sense of being at one with nature; so much so) that she rarely closed the curtains, even at night.

After the last box was down in the basement Mandy ate a light supper and took a shower. She'd decided to watch the late show in the bedroom while she waited for Joe. She propped several pillows against the headboard of the bed. Leaning back on them she watched as the host of the show welcomed his guests. It wasn't one of the better late night episodes and the sudden rumble of thunder was a welcome [sound] (diversion). She and Joe loved storms; they would curl up on the bed together and watch through the huge glass doors. Tonight she would have to marvel at this one alone.

Mandy got up and turned the television off. She went to the large glass (repetition) doors and pulled the curtains open wide (you said earlier she never closed the curtains!). She had a clear (?) view of the ocean from where she was standing, it looked beautiful as the waves rolled in and crashed rhythmically on the beach. (it is night time--- would it not have been better had you said ‘the white horses on the rolling waves contrasted strongly with the inky blackness of the ocean’? A slender (?) (malevolent fork of lightning ) blue finger of lightening streaked through the sky, lighting up her room and making the ocean glow and twinkle for just a brief moment. She slid one of the doors open a few inches so she could hear the waves as they pounded the beach, [She wanted to let the smell of the wet sand and the ocean air into the room.] (making a conscious effort to connect with the growing storm outside) [A gust of] (The) wind [blew] (whistled) through the gap in the doors. A cool, salty mist sprayed across her face and dampened the front of her thin nightgown.

"Mmm", she sighed as she took a deep breath and turned to walk back to the bed to watch the storm that was [looking] (threatening) to be a wicked one.

Mandy curled up on the bed and watched as the lightening snaked through the black night sky and rain [pattered] (drummed) against the windows. She listened as the thunder rumbled and waves crashed harder and faster on the beach. [She could feel the thunder deep in her stomach as it lumbered through the darkness.] (The crashing thunder reverberated around the room. It was so loud, so close she could actually feel it in her stomach)

Only my ideas.

Octavian

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Wicked

Hi Wicked,

You write well, but I don't really like sad stories. When I finished reading this one and I felt quite miserable, so I guess you must have been doing something right.

You say you feel there is 'something' missing. I think perhaps what might have given this story a little more impact would have been more emotion from Mandy right from the beginning. You know how it feels when you're feelig so excited about something - that nervous anticipation of something special? You look forward to it, and you play it over and over again in your mind. How it will be, how it will feel, and then flop, something happens, and it doesn't happen? Like Joe working late, and Mandy is let down. That is what I think this story needs to spark up the intro.

e.g.

Mandy hung up the phone, pouting a little over her disappointment and the fact that she knew she wouldn’t be getting her usual red rose that he had brought to her every Friday after work for the last ten years.

There's nothing at all wrong with this paragragh, only here is where I felt a little more detail and back story could have let the reader 'feel' more of her emotions.

The red rose is a lovely idea, but how did he present it to her? What exactly did he say? "Lovely, but not as lovely as you."? "A beautiful rose for a beautiful lady."? Did he kiss her tenderly when he handed it to her? What was her response?

As for the ending being believable, well I didn't read the first version. I guess, we the readers, are left wondering. Was it a dream? Did he visit her as a ghost? What ever it was, I liked that little twsit at the end. I go nuts around here when people say - "Oh but it's not believable." Some of the best stories I have read here or anywhere are about thing that couldn't possibly happen in a month of Sundays. Wake up and dream a little! Mmm...well you know what I mean, don't you?

Like I said a the start, I can't say I really 'enjoyed' it, but it did move me. In fact I'm still feeling a little flat from reading it even now. Please don't be offended, it just me, I know lots of people enjoy nothing more than crying over a sad book or movie...I'm just not one of them I guess.

Anyway, very nicely done Wicked.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Havea a great day.

Alex.(fem)

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

I hope you're not averse to the opinion of someone who only has one story to his name

Not at all Octavian, everyone's opinions, ideas and thoughts are more than welcome. I love your ideas for alternate word choices, they really brought the story alive and perhaps gave it what it was missing. I need to work on my vocabulary so I can come up with words like you've chosen. I sit when I'm writting and have a word on the tip of my tongue and it just won't come, so I use the most common words and they make it bland and ordinary.
Thanks for your time and suggestions, they are much appreciated.

You write well, but I don't really like sad stories. When I finished reading this one and I felt quite miserable, so I guess you must have been doing something right

Bragis,
Sorry to have made you feel so sad, but, as you said I must have been doing something right. I'm glad that I was able to make you feel something and touch you in some way, that's what I was hoping to do.

You say you feel there is 'something' missing. I think perhaps what might have given this story a little more impact would have been more emotion from Mandy right from the beginning. You know how it feels when you're feelig so excited about something - that nervous anticipation of something special? You look forward to it, and you play it over and over again in your mind. How it will be, how it will feel, and then flop, something happens, and it doesn't happen? Like Joe working late, and Mandy is let down. That is what I think this story needs to spark up the intro.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, emotion is what's missing. This story didn't have the emotion that I usually put into my stories. It seems bland, flat and lifeless. Maybe a rewrite will add some spark

As for the ending being believable, well I didn't read the first version. I guess, we the readers, are left wondering. Was it a dream? Did he visit her as a ghost? What ever it was, I liked that little twsit at the end. I go nuts around here when people say - "Oh but it's not believable." Some of the best stories I have read here or anywhere are about thing that couldn't possibly happen in a month of Sundays. Wake up and dream a little! Mmm...well you know what I mean, don't you?

The first draft had the officer making a phone call to notify her of the accident. I received several emails, pm's and opinions on the thread that a phone call wouldn't be realistic, so I changed it to a face-to-face visit. Also the sex scene was stilted and almost nonexsistant, I added a little more to it as well.

Like I said a the start, I can't say I really 'enjoyed' it, but it did move me. In fact I'm still feeling a little flat from reading it even now. Please don't be offended, it just me, I know lots of people enjoy nothing more than crying over a sad book or movie...I'm just not one of them I guess.

I'm not offended in the least, I moved you and made you feel something, so I'm actually pleased. Thanks for you time and comments. They are very helpful.



Wicked

 

[gauchecritic]

That word that means you can't remember the word you want

I need to work on my vocabulary so I can come up with words like you've chosen. I sit when I'm writting and have a word on the tip of my tongue and it just won't come, so I use the most common words and they make it bland and ordinary.

Wicked

A large part of writing for me is sitting and thinking of the word that I want to use, I cannot even finish the sentence, let alone the story, until I find the correct word.

My wife and sons are well used to me bursting into the room, interrupting conversations, disturbing a re-run of "Frasier" to ask "What's the term for not being able to remember what word you want to use?" or some-such.

I don't have a thesaurus in the house, can't be arsed to look on any dictionary.com page so I bug the family.

This is one of the drawbacks of having large vocabulary (and mine's a lot bigger than a lot of people's).

But my trouble is I'm old, I'm aphasic and very, very

Gauche

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'll do the devil's work again. Now, I have nothing but respect for you Wicked, and maybe I'm the only one, but I thought the story was--dare I say it?--corny. The use of the rose at the end especially was not only corny, but cliched. The old "It was only a dream...or was it?" was old when Capra used in in "It's a wonderful life" (Zuzu's petals) and it hasn't got any younger since then.

But you've got yourself into a bind with the basic plot idea, I think. If you make the tragedy too real, it makes the sex seem gratuitous and silly. (Death has a way of doing that to sex.) So you've opted to make the piece more lyrical and tender, only to fall into the trap of smarminess.

I've never seen a story that could combine sex and death for one character and come out preserving the spirit of either. Usually the sex comes off feeling trivial and silly in the face of death. If the sex scene has excited us, then the death makes us feel a little dirty and ashamed for getting hot about someone who's about to buy the farm. If you want to save the integrity of the sex scene, you have to make the death very poetic and vague.

It's funny that love and death go together so well in literature and in the imagination, but sex and death just don't mix. It might be because sex has a definite ribald or lusty dimension to it that keeps us from taking it as seriously as we take death.

Think of how much different the piece would have been had the husband just appeared and embraced the wife and told her he loved her before he left. Then it would have been a tragedy.

Now what if he had showed up and asked her to blow him? You see how close you already are to black comedy?

I know there are those who see sex as the highest expression of love. I'm not one of them. I see sex as something different than love (thank God). They overlap, but if I had a few mninutes to come back to my loved one before being whiisked off to the river Styx, I don't think I would spend the time screwing.

But that's just me.

---dr.M.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Dr. M,
Devil's work, lol, Thank you for your time and comments they are always appreciated. I knew it was cliche but it was just one of those things that started coming to me and I just had to write it. I agree that sex and love do not go hand in hand and nor would I spend my last few minutes doing the deed. Again thanks for your input.

Wicked