The single life

[fenghuang]

For a long time I've obsreved that the overwhealming majority of my married / cohabiting friends are not happy in this state. At the very least their significant others annoy the hell out of them. This doesn't seem to be related to who they are - men and women, ages from 30 to 70+.

And talking to a client who has recently become single again has added weight to the argument - he now sees more of his friends, goes to the gym and the movies, and is more productive at work.

Previous conversations have also lead me to think that single people have much better sex loves too. (Obviously the Lit population is going to prove the rule here as we're all having fantastic Sex ... right? )

My guess is that it's all down to how much apathy we fall into when in along term relationship, the comfort of the sofa, the lack of a need to make an effort, and that the grass is inevitably greener on the other side.

Discuss.

 

[trask9]

As a married guy I truely believe that the single men and women are much, much happier with the sex they are having than the sex us married guys are having.
If I had a chance to do it over again I would not, I repeat, would not get married. For one reason only, the quanity of sex and the way different partners like sex. My wife was great for the first 8 to 12 years, then it was excuse after excuse. But only in the sex department.
the rest of the marriage is good.

 

[fire_breeze]

For a long time I've obsreved that the overwhealming majority of my married / cohabiting friends are not happy in this state. At the very least their significant others annoy the hell out of them. This doesn't seem to be related to who they are - men and women, ages from 30 to 70+.

And talking to a client who has recently become single again has added weight to the argument - he now sees more of his friends, goes to the gym and the movies, and is more productive at work.

Previous conversations have also lead me to think that single people have much better sex loves too. (Obviously the Lit population is going to prove the rule here as we're all having fantastic Sex ... right? )

My guess is that it's all down to how much apathy we fall into when in along term relationship, the comfort of the sofa, the lack of a need to make an effort, and that the grass is inevitably greener on the other side.

Discuss.

My one, single question would be: is it because these people are in a marriage and co-habitating that they do not seem happier or is it the fact that they griping about living with someone? I mean, let's face it, how many of us, when we became teenagers, grumbles about our parents? Or when we've had roommates, complained about them? And then, when we've lived by ourselves, moaned the fact that we wake up alone?

Just askin'....

 

[SweetErika]

Perhaps it's the company you keep and/or your own experiences/relationship is coloring your perceptions.

I'm happily married. My friends are happily married. Sure, we all have gripes about our partners, but we wouldn't trade them in for being single anytime soon. I've had the benefit of many bad dates (and some good ones) while being married, and each time I think, 'OMG, I'm so glad I'm married and I don't have to be in the dating world if I don't want to!'

But then I believe people need to work toward happiness, and I don't hang around people who are chronically unhappy with their relationships or anything else. I figure if one isn't working to change, they have no room to complain, and that idea would certainly extend to friends who were unhappy in their relationships. Fix it, get out, or stop bitching is a very blunt way of conveying my attitude.

 

[bailadora]

But then I believe people need to work toward happiness,

This.

I've known people who think, "I'll be so much happier when (insert goal here)." And then they hit that goal or get that thing that they were so convinced is the key to happiness, and they still aren't content.

Like any two people in a long term relationship, my husband and I have had our share of problems. But we've worked them out and I sure as hell would not go back to being single for anything.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I can say from my own experience that it's most often a breakdown in communications, then one or both partners give up and it's just an arrangement out of convenience until someone gets up the balls to call it quits.

 

[PertPerth]

My one, single question would be: is it because these people are in a marriage and co-habitating that they do not seem happier or is it the fact that they griping about living with someone? I mean, let's face it, how many of us, when we became teenagers, grumbles about our parents? Or when we've had roommates, complained about them? And then, when we've lived by ourselves, moaned the fact that we wake up alone?

Just askin'....

I think that is part of it - some times people get lazy once they move in together. I know my brother and his ex used to always have arguments about it - the house was a mess because each thought the other person should clean!

I can say from my own experience that it's most often a breakdown in communications, then one or both partners give up and it's just an arrangement out of convenience until someone gets up the balls to call it quits.

True.

I think the issue is the transition from being 'in love' to just 'loving' someone. Many people don't think that love is a choice, when really, IMHO, it is. Being 'in love' is different - it's great, but it fades. So to keep a relationship going, it needs work and acts of love from both parties.

 

[pplwatching]

In my humble experience my marriage has been an incredible journey of selfless love, enduring commitment, and most importantly constant personal growth. At almost 16 years of marriage I still adore my wife. She inspires me to be a better person. Her tireless dedication to our marriage and family always leaves me humbled and wanting to be a better man.

Marriage, or any long term committed relationship, is a lot of work. Ours has not been an exception to the rule, and in many ways I think it has been more work than most. I firmly believe that my happiness in marriage is ultimately determined by what I put into the marriage; the effort I make to nurture both my wife and our relationship together. Every single time I have ever approached my wife and said "lets work on our marriage" she has rolled up her sleeves and put her shoulder to the stone. We've gone to a marriage counselor together and many marriage retreats. I am truly humbled by her capacity to forgive me. Every time she makes a compromise or a change for me, I am inspired to compromise and change for her. Our marriage has grown in spite of an extremely long series of health problems that decimated our sex life for a very long time. I don't believe that this is coincidence, but certainly blind luck brought this amazing woman into my life.

In my opinion people often set themselves up for failure in marriage by choosing a spouse based on the mirage of sexual comparability, chance, or apathy while ignoring who this person they're committing to really is; what they value, what goals they have, and their capacity for compassion and forgiveness. Having a spouse who shares some very key things with me is the basis for both the successes and failures in our marriage.

My philosophy is that by focusing only on my wants and needs, I sap my marriage of strength and leave it vulnerable to problems. What's important to me is what I bring to and put into my marriage. My commitment is about striving every day to make my relationship with my wife deeper and more fulfilling. I strive to make her life a little easier and more beautiful, and in return we are both happier. It has been a long time since my sex life was what I consider to be "ideal", but when we have sex it's very deep, meaningful, and satisfying. I don't believe that I could have such rich sexual experiences as a single person. After many years of 'female trouble' my wife's sexual drive has been gaining steam, and she has been open to different ideas and ways to pleasure each other.

There are days when I am tested and am not the man I need to be, but my wife brings out the best in me and we get past them. I would not trade that for the single life. Marriage is work, but in my humble experience it is also what you make it.

 

[sunandshadow]

A lot of single people get no sex whatsoever. I see the major benefits of being single as not needing to physically sleep next to someone (I know a lot of people enjoy that but I find it stressful and sleep-depriving) and I don't have to feel bad if I decide to stay up late playing a computer game. But I'd really like to fall in love with someone and marry them and have children with them. It makes me really sad to be thirty and know that I'll probably be single for the rest of my life.

 

[YANKEE DAN]

Well I am single and have some sex, could pick up the phone tomorrow and get laid if I wanted, but it still sucks. LTRs provide a lot more then sex.

 

[ayrton]

I've been married and also lived with someone long term, and I prefer to be single. Sure, I don't get laid near as often, especially now that I am older, but I love the freedom of being single. I've never had children and quite frankly never wanted any. Call me self centered, but I much prefer to be on my own.

 

[Felix_Jones]

I'm naturally single, as in not being in a relationship is my natural state of being. I get a sporadic amount of sex at best. I guess it all depends on how much you think is the right amount.
To me long term relationships are a chore; boring and expensive. I think marriage is a twisted and far too risky undertaking. But hey, I am probably in the minority opinion on this one. I have everything I meed, and probably the right amount of sex. Still, I don't know many people who can live this simply.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm naturally single, as in not being in a relationship is my natural state of being. I get a sporadic amount of sex at best. I guess it all depends on how much you think is the right amount.
To me long term relationships are a chore; boring and expensive. I think marriage is a twisted and far too risky undertaking. But hey, I am probably in the minority opinion on this one. I have everything I meed, and probably the right amount of sex. Still, I don't know many people who can live this simply.

Thinking back to your other thread, out of sheer curiosity, do you tell the women you date that you don't want a LTR from the very start, or do you just end the relationship in some way when you feel it gets too long?

 

[Felix_Jones]

Definitely the second one, although it rarely if ever comes up.

 

[Somehowyou]

Definitely the second one, although it rarely if ever comes up.

Felix, you sound happy don't ever change.

Erica, you have a crazy non-traditional relationship. But it works for you.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Me? I'm semi-happily married. To make up for the boredom of maritla bliss I see half a dozen prostitutes a year and have safe sex. And this makes me extrememly happy and content. This is what floats my boat. Like Erica, I have my cake and I am eating it too.

 

[VelvetSin]

For a long time I've obsreved that the overwhealming majority of my married / cohabiting friends are not happy in this state. At the very least their significant others annoy the hell out of them. This doesn't seem to be related to who they are - men and women, ages from 30 to 70+.

And talking to a client who has recently become single again has added weight to the argument - he now sees more of his friends, goes to the gym and the movies, and is more productive at work.

Previous conversations have also lead me to think that single people have much better sex loves too. (Obviously the Lit population is going to prove the rule here as we're all having fantastic Sex ... right? )

My guess is that it's all down to how much apathy we fall into when in along term relationship, the comfort of the sofa, the lack of a need to make an effort, and that the grass is inevitably greener on the other side.

Discuss.

I think too many people fall in love with the idea of love and accept a warm body willing to help them play out that "want." Many jump into a relationship that feels good and start thinking long-term. Then if it doesn't pan out to exactly what they expected, I think too many people settle rather than push for what is fulfilling to them or change what must be changed to regain happiness. Also, far too many people put on appearances while dating, do things they don't necessarily want to do, to make themselves look good to a potential mate, then once they have them, the real them comes out and the griping begins because what they're with isn't what they signed up for.

When Mister and I met, we dated for quite some time, then lived together for quite some time before any expectation of permanency was given to our relationship. I was at my worst when we met, recovering from a really bad car accident. He got to see me in all my undone glory and at my most selfish, and I got to see how he worked when the focus was not him. He's a workaholic and that's just a part of him - accept it or a move on. If his work cell rings when we're mid-coitus, he'll stop what he's doing to answer it. I know that and it doesn't bother me because I know that to ask him to do anything different would question an integral part of him. When he's not working, he has a group of friends I share his remaining time with. That works for us because I also have a career that is a high priority, friends I want to spend time with, and like solitary alone time. When we do spend time together, it's electric because we do not let our relationship together hamper any other pieces of our lives so there's no resentment. That isn't always the case, we've waxed and waned sometimes, but that's normal. We work to spice things up, add new things, remove what isn't working, and things seem to return to a "better than ever" status.

Getting a ring on the finger is not permission to "let it all go," it's a commitment to work just as hard if not harder to keep up what has kept it fuelled so far. I think many people put up those façades until they 'snag' their partner, then let the mask slip since they've got them bagged. Like Erika said, "fix it, get out, or stop bitching."

 

[Felix_Jones]

I think too many people fall in love with the idea of love and accept a warm body willing to help them play out that "want." Many jump into a relationship that feels good and start thinking long-term. Then if it doesn't pan out to exactly what they expected, I think too many people settle rather than push for what is fulfilling to them or change what must be changed to regain happiness. Also, far too many people put on appearances while dating, do things they don't necessarily want to do, to make themselves look good to a potential mate, then once they have them, the real them comes out and the griping begins because what they're with isn't what they signed up for.

When Mister and I met, we dated for quite some time, then lived together for quite some time before any expectation of permanency was given to our relationship. I was at my worst when we met, recovering from a really bad car accident. He got to see me in all my undone glory and at my most selfish, and I got to see how he worked when the focus was not him. He's a workaholic and that's just a part of him - accept it or a move on. If his work cell rings when we're mid-coitus, he'll stop what he's doing to answer it. I know that and it doesn't bother me because I know that to ask him to do anything different would question an integral part of him. When he's not working, he has a group of friends I share his remaining time with. That works for us because I also have a career that is a high priority, friends I want to spend time with, and like solitary alone time. When we do spend time together, it's electric because we do not let our relationship together hamper any other pieces of our lives so there's no resentment. That isn't always the case, we've waxed and waned sometimes, but that's normal. We work to spice things up, add new things, remove what isn't working, and things seem to return to a "better than ever" status.

Getting a ring on the finger is not permission to "let it all go," it's a commitment to work just as hard if not harder to keep up what has kept it fuelled so far. I think many people put up those façades until they 'snag' their partner, then let the mask slip since they've got them bagged. Like Erika said, "fix it, get out, or stop bitching."

You make it sound so difficult.

 

[sparc101]

Marriage is about more than just sex .... I guess that could be thought unfortunate for some, especially for me when I am in a frisky mood and she is not. But anyway marriage, and relationships for that matter, do require a lot of work. For them to be successful there needs to be a compromise.... a give and take. Marriage will only work if we share duties, communicate and feel for each other.

I look back at my life and think how much fun I would have had (maybe) I been single. But on the other hand, I look at what I have now, a wife, kids, etc, and I realize that I did make the right decision. Its never been perfect but at this time it is what it is, and we both strive to keep it going.

I wish I had sex every day... perhaps more, but then I have to do a reality check every once in awhile and that is when I realize there is actually more to life than sex... more to marriage than sex. Oh well..

 

[NomadLady]

You make it sound so difficult.

ANY relationship other than NSA requires "some" work. I've been single for 9 years now, and I have had some good times. I am still single now but being a caregiver for an elderly parent has almost ended my ability to come/go/do as I please.

I enjoyed being married for 14 years in a "general sense". The stability, comfort, sharing my life with someone, etc...I didn't enjoy how it/that it ended but you move on...just part of life.

 

[Felix_Jones]

ANY relationship other than NSA requires "some" work. I've been single for 9 years now, and I have had some good times. I am still single now but being a caregiver for an elderly parent has almost ended my ability to come/go/do as I please.

I enjoyed being married for 14 years in a "general sense". The stability, comfort, sharing my life with someone, etc...I didn't enjoy how it/that it ended but you move on...just part of life.

That does sound difficult. I'm all about leisure, but I guess not everyone has that luxury. I can't imagine bot being able to do what I want when I want it.

 

[NomadLady]

That does sound difficult. I'm all about leisure, but I guess not everyone has that luxury. I can't imagine bot being able to do what I want when I want it.

Being able to come/do/go as you like is something everyone takes for granted until it's over....I love my mom but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know I'm doing the right thing but it is a HUGE responsibility.
It is like working two full time jobs with only one that you "turn off".

 

[VelvetSin]

You make it sound so difficult.

Sometimes, some parts are difficult, yeah. If both partners go into a relationship without any facades, though - "this is me, take it or leave it" - much of the Work (with a capital "W") is gone because, once those masks come off, many relationships then have to work to find a compromise between the real Them and what the other partner fell in love with.

Love isn't always easy, no. In addition to putting up with the B.S. that comes up in your own life, you have a partner that you need to help through their B.S. The "L" word makes it worth the additional work and effort, though. If the "L" is based on a lie, then yeah, it's a serious pain in the ass and not worth the effort.

All things considered, I think my relationship has been easy. There were no masks involved when we met, so we both got to see the real person beneath all the pretenses. While there have been a few rough spots along the way, most of those were due to external pressures interfering and not anything fundamentally wrong with the relationship itself. How you deal with those external pressures and how much you let them influence the relationship connection is the difference between happiness and misery.

As for doing what you want when you want, we both do. We have leisure, fun, and not-relationship time in abundance. I'm not so needy that I need his attention every second of the day (I think I'd feel smothered if I did because it would hinder my own wants). Neither one of us gives up anything for the relationship. We have very active careers, are both workaholics to a degree because that's what we enjoy, have friends that do not lose time with us because we have an SO/fiance/soon-to-be-spouse, and hobbies. If either one of us gave up those things we enjoy, I can see resentment setting in, but that's why we don't. With 24 hours in a day, there's plenty of time to do it all and still spend time together so long as priorities are set out clearly in each of our heads. We've been doing it for five-ish years and it'll continue that way unless/until something changes. Children would be the only thing I see that might adjust that, and he's snipped (vasectomy) so any children would be adopted (we're not the "must procreate and spread our genes through the world!" sorts of people; plenty of kids without homes if that does ever become an integral need). Since the adoption process is long and involved, I think we'll have plenty of time to adapt our current lifestyle to suit a third little person's life. Right now though, we're both in agreement that we don't need children to feel fulfilled.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Being able to come/do/go as you like is something everyone takes for granted until it's over....I love my mom but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know I'm doing the right thing but it is a HUGE responsibility.
It is like working two full time jobs with only one that you "turn off".

Yeah I hear you. I have co-workers in the same situation.

That's good advice for anyone, I try my best to make my leisure time interesting and fulfilling. It's frightening though, that there's stuff out there that people do that sucks everything which makes them interesting, and unique. And it sneaks up on you so subtly, then perniciously steals your life.

 

[NomadLady]

Yeah I hear you. I have co-workers in the same situation.

That's good advice for anyone, I try my best to make my leisure time interesting and fulfilling. It's frightening though, that there's stuff out there that people do that sucks everything which makes them interesting, and unique. And it sneaks up on you so subtly, then perniciously steals your life.

Why do you think I found this place....I couldn't stand losing "everything" about my sexuality just because of my living situation. I enjoy what play time I get but I know anything long term is out of the question right now.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Why do you think I found this place....I couldn't stand losing "everything" about my sexuality just because of my living situation. I enjoy what play time I get but I know anything long term is out of the question right now.

Play time is good, gotta have your distractions.