The Significant Other One

[AngelWithAShotgun]

Have you ever been the significant Other one? The SOO?

Have you ever been a 3rd wheel in an amiable breakup? Or the 4th or 5th wheel, if there are kids involved.

We all have Exes, but I have never dated anyone mature enough to maintain a civil relationship with their ex. Even for the sake of their kids. [Oh the perils of loving toyboys *insert dramatic sigh here*.]

If the past wound has healed, how would you as the outsider, deal with the vestiges of what was once there?

Are you friendly with the ex? Do you interact with the kids? Do you have rules to live by that you can impart for others in this situation?

If you are the one with the SOO, how do you keep your relationships between your Ex and SOO? Do you keep them separate? Do they know each other? How did you tell the kids? What did you tell them?

If you are the Ex in this scenario, what did you do? How did you deal with the SOO? Are you friendly? Or did you keep a respectable distance? What were your rules in terms of interaction with your kids?

Please share if you have a perspective on this (any perspective), I'm curious to know what you think or how you handled/you're handling it

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

Hmm... is this a sensitive topic? I didn't think it was

 

[AmberLGreen]

I think all relationships are different.

I now have good relationships with both of my ex husbands. It wasn’t like that at the initial marriage break down point. We have children together so it is important to me that I keep a good relationship with them for the sake of the children.

I would expect any new partner that they have to be accepting of our friendship. I was a part of their life for a long time and having a friendship with them is no different to any other friendship. I accept that they have new relationships and have no animosity towards them so they shouldn’t see my friendship as anything other than it is. They are exes for a reason.

Where the children are concerned however that is totally different. I expect them as parents, to put their children above any new relationship. If my son was unwell, I would expect my ex to be a parent and be there for them regardless of the needs of their new partner.

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

I think all relationships are different.

I now have good relationships with both of my ex husbands. It wasn’t like that at the initial marriage break down point. We have children together so it is important to me that I keep a good relationship with them for the sake of the children.

I would expect any new partner that they have to be accepting of our friendship. I was a part of their life for a long time and having a friendship with them is no different to any other friendship. I accept that they have new relationships and have no animosity towards them so they shouldn’t see my friendship as anything other than it is. They are exes for a reason.

Where the children are concerned however that is totally different. I expect them as parents, to put their children above any new relationship. If my son was unwell, I would expect my ex to be a parent and be there for them regardless of the needs of their new partner.

Do you let their girlfriends talk to your son? Or do you keep them at a distance?

I have an uncle who has two declared families, and a suspected third. Both sides avoid each other as much as possible, as in one family wouldn't see my grandma if the other set was visiting. My uncle mediates, but most of the time, he prioritises one family and we (the extended relatives), take care of the others.

We like one set more than the other because we have more contact with them. I'm wondering if this is the only way to handle it peacefully or if anyone had success otherwise

 

[AlpineFresco]

I only have two exes, and I just sort of drifted apart amiably with one and keep up regular contact with the other - she's easily one of my closest friends.
I've also dated people who were friends with their exes, and it's fine.
There have never been kids involved, though, so that simplifies things a lot.

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

I only have two exes, and I just sort of drifted apart amiably with one and keep up regular contact with the other - she's easily one of my closest friends.
I've also dated people who were friends with their exes, and it's fine.
There have never been kids involved, though, so that simplifies things a lot.

Did you talk to their exes or do you just keep your distance? Is there a downside to being friendly with them?

 

[AlpineFresco]

Did you talk to their exes or do you just keep your distance? Is there a downside to being friendly with them?

Depends on what kind of relationship they've got.
I have spoken to some of the exes, and it's always been pretty friendly when it's happened.
I haven't encountered any downsides, but people/relationships are always wildly different, so I wouldn't assume my experiences would play out the same for other people.

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

Depends on what kind of relationship they've got.
I have spoken to some of the exes, and it's always been pretty friendly when it's happened.
I haven't encountered any downsides, but people/relationships are always wildly different, so I wouldn't assume my experiences would play out the same for other people.

I'm curious, did you introduce your ex to any of the currents?

I've always thought, if I'm friendly with an ex, then I'd tell the person I'm currently with but if given the opportunity, I wouldn't introduce them because it would be awkward.

But I've wondered if that approach would make the current SO feel insecure, despite reassurances that we're just friends

 

[AmberLGreen]

Do you let their girlfriends talk to your son? Or do you keep them at a distance?

I have an uncle who has two declared families, and a suspected third. Both sides avoid each other as much as possible, as in one family wouldn't see my grandma if the other set was visiting. My uncle mediates, but most of the time, he prioritises one family and we (the extended relatives), take care of the others.

We like one set more than the other because we have more contact with them. I'm wondering if this is the only way to handle it peacefully or if anyone had success otherwise

With my first husband, I ended the marriage because I wasn’t happy. A year later and I was in a new relationship and so was he. His was with my best friend. It was difficult for me to accept that at first. It felt like a betrayal of my friend. She had already been a big part of my children’s lives because we did everything together with our children and hers. Everything worked out ok. We are all friends.

With my second husband, it was a little bit different. When I asked him to leave, he moved in with a woman he met online and had only been speaking to for a couple of weeks. I didn’t want my son to have contact with her until I knew the relationship was not going to be a quick thing and I was also concerned that my husband didn’t know enough about her either. That was over 18 months ago and if my son wants to talk to her then I don’t have an issue with it. They do live quite a distance away so it isn’t like I see them. If I did see her though I would be civil. I don’t think we would be “friends” because we are very different people.

 

[AlpineFresco]

I'm curious, did you introduce your ex to any of the currents?

I've always thought, if I'm friendly with an ex, then I'd tell the person I'm currently with but if given the opportunity, I wouldn't introduce them because it would be awkward.

But I've wondered if that approach would make the current SO feel insecure, despite reassurances that we're just friends

So, bit complex here 'cause I'm not monogamous, but my ex who is a good friend and the partner I live with did speak online a couple of times, when I was seeing them both.

For myself, I am upfront about it - this person is my good friend, we dated for a while many years ago and then we split on good terms. I would be wary of partners who got upset about that, that'd be a red flag for me.

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

I would be wary of partners who got upset about that, that'd be a red flag for me.

Noted

 

[Cat]

I only have a few exes..
But, one of them are without a doubt my best friend.

As @AlpineFresco says, if a new partner becomes upset about the fact, that you are friend with an ex.. ugh..
(Been there, done that.. would definitely not recommend )

I mean.. if you are able to split, maybe not on the best terms to begin with. But after the dust has settled.. then, you might find the reason why you two got along so well in the first place (and why you just did not match that well romantically).

I mean.. my husband has met my exes... We have had them over for dinner.. my best friend.. my kids call him "uncle", they even make Christmas presents for him!

We all do things differently, I have also meet my husbands exes, of course!! And they are really, really kind, smart, pretty and lovable ladies. I am glad that my husband got to spend time with them!!

I even skyped with the GF he had just before me.. a couple of days into our relationship!!
She was cool, a bit sad.. But, it made her process of accepting me so much easier!

Gosh she is amazing!!! Her an her BF, they once travelled all the way to Denmark, just to visit us.

It is just.. we are lucky, I know that he loves me, I love him.. and, the only children involved, are those that we have together. That makes everything much more simple!

 

[Mo_Bandy]

All my ex-wives have restraining orders against me so who knows if I’ll ever have a good relationship with their SOs.

 

[AveryElle]

Have you ever been the significant Other one? The SOO?

Have you ever been a 3rd wheel in an amiable breakup? Or the 4th or 5th wheel, if there are kids involved.

We all have Exes, but I have never dated anyone mature enough to maintain a civil relationship with their ex. Even for the sake of their kids. [Oh the perils of loving toyboys *insert dramatic sigh here*.]

If the past wound has healed, how would you as the outsider, deal with the vestiges of what was once there?

Are you friendly with the ex? Do you interact with the kids? Do you have rules to live by that you can impart for others in this situation?

If you are the one with the SOO, how do you keep your relationships between your Ex and SOO? Do you keep them separate? Do they know each other? How did you tell the kids? What did you tell them?

If you are the Ex in this scenario, what did you do? How did you deal with the SOO? Are you friendly? Or did you keep a respectable distance? What were your rules in terms of interaction with your kids?

Please share if you have a perspective on this (any perspective), I'm curious to know what you think or how you handled/you're handling it

None of my serious exes were really worth keeping in touch with, which is why the relationships ended. My last ex before we were married, we could have stayed friends, but it just seemed like more work than it was worth.

I am non-monogamous but not kitchen table poly. I keep a strict line between my husband and anyone else I am intimate with. He has met my ex that I later continued to hook up with once we moved away and I traveled for work. One ex is my Facebook friend so I know he hasn’t changed an all (same job, still single, etc) and he knows I have.

I don’t need my husband to be friends with my exes. Or really know much about them. The past is the past. I feel like none of them knew me on the same level my husband does, that there was always something deeper missing with them.

I am very good friends with the ex I continued to hook up with because I know he cares about me. I also know his wife and respect her and like her. She’s an amazing person who has a very deep connection to my life. She also talks the talk about making the world a better place instead of just cultivating an image that she does. It’s intimidating. I’m not sure if I’ll ever hook up with that ex again, but we FaceTime and text often - even just stupid shit like memes or one line cultural references that make us laugh. This level of friendship did take a few years - a break, a reconnection, boundary setting, etc.

With the exception above, I don’t need or want to be friends with my exes or their partners. And as someone who isn’t poly, I do not want to be friends with my partner’s partners. Whenever I’ve met them in passing or learned about them, it’s been wholly disappointing and made me question why I’m with that person. It’s part of why I decided poly wasn’t for me.

Relationships are, to me, not worth rehashing. When you’ve had more than a couple of them, I think one can fall into the trap of trying to dissect them when you keep in touch with the other person. I had (have) no rules for navigating this, so good luck everyone

 

[Cat]

None of my serious exes were really worth keeping in touch with, which is why the relationships ended. My last ex before we were married, we could have stayed friends, but it just seemed like more work than it was worth.
I am non-monogamous but not kitchen table poly. I keep a strict line between my husband and anyone else I am intimate with. He has met my ex that I later continued to hook up with once we moved away and I traveled for work. One ex is my Facebook friend so I know he hasn’t changed an all (same job, still single, etc) and he knows I have.

I don’t need my husband to be friends with my exes. Or really know much about them. The past is the past. I feel like none of them knew me on the same level my husband does, that there was always something deeper missing with them.

I am very good friends with the ex I continued to hook up with because I know he cares about me. I also know his wife and respect her and like her. She’s an amazing person who has a very deep connection to my life. I’m not sure if I’ll ever hook up with that ex again, but we FaceTime and text often - even just stupid shit like memes or one line cultural references that make us laugh. This level of friendship did take a few years - a break, a reconnection, boundary setting, etc.

With the exception above, I don’t need or want to be friends with my ex’s or their partners. And as someone who isn’t poly, I do not want to be friends with my partner’s partners. Whenever I’ve met them in passing or learned about them, it’s been wholly disappointing and made me question why I’m with that person. It’s part of why I decided poly wasn’t for me.

Relationships are, to me, not worth rehashing. When you’ve had more than a couple of them, I think one can fall into the trap of trying to dissect them when you keep in touch with the other person. I had (have) no rules for navigating this, so good luck everyone

That sounds not thaaaat far away from how we live.

- my ex, that I really do not see as an ex, but more as a family member of a sort. It took time to get to this point.
We had an excellent connection, just not good enough.. not for a truly serious relationship.
(We went through: the break, a trying to get back together.. a break.. a boundary setting...)
But despise all that.. those few times, where I was in serious need of help. He was the one showing up, within seconds almost.
We are just no good as romantically partners.
Funny.. today.. there is absolutely none attraction between us! Tons of love and respect. But nothing more than that.
I think., We have been through too much, and know eachother for more than 20 years.. that helps too.

The rest of my exes.. with time.. we just naturally drifted away.
No doorslam.. just, you know.. it stops making sense talking.. not ghosting, just.. Yeah, normal procedure of drifting.
I find that to be healthy.

The same goes for his exes.. with time, the differences becomes too prominent, and also.. there is a reason why started the new relationship.

Like you.. I have never been this close, as I am with my husband, with any of my exes.

But, I am not poly.. do not think that I am cut for that kind of relationship .
So... I cannot really comprehend how it would be.. To meet a partners partner.

I am also not friends with my partner's exes. I respect them! But, I do not have their number, I do not want to.

Like me.. he has drifted from them as well.

So.. even though I do not know whether we are non monogamous or not, I do know, that being poly is not something we would ever consider.

 

[AveryElle]

So.. even though I do not know whether we are non monogamous or not, I do know, that being poly is not something we would ever consider.

Det samme til mig.

 

[shmily]

I am still friends with a few ex`s, though never married any of them. My oldests father and i are friends after many years apart, he lives in another state has only seen his son (36) for 2 weeks, we were young and had other priorities then, reconnected about 18 yrs ago. The last ex and i are good friends, visit often, even after we split, still traveled together. His current intrest doesn`t get it (she is married, in an open marriage) but doesnt like that we are close. He had 2 kids when we got together,, i raised them and they call me mom, so i will always be around.
I guess it all depends if everyone can be adults about it all.

 

[Lady2020]

I tried to get along with my ex-husband bc of our kids. It didn't work. I was the one who wanted the separation. Maybe if I had been a better, more mature person when he told me had deliberately wrecked his car which left me isolated with 2 small kids while he used my car to get to work, I might not have resented the fuck out of him. Then when I said I was leaving he resorted to violence. A few months later when he called to tell me he had a gf, I filed for divorce. You would think that after a while he would think of our kids and want to get along for their sakes. He didn't. He died a few years back. My son refused to go to his funeral. I tried to get him to reconsider. He wanted no part of it.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

I tried to get along with my ex-husband bc of our kids. It didn't work. I was the one who wanted the separation. Maybe if I had been a better, more mature person when he told me had deliberately wrecked his car which left me isolated with 2 small kids while he used my car to get to work, I might not have resented the fuck out of him. Then when I said I was leaving he resorted to violence. A few months later when he called to tell me he had a gf, I filed for divorce. You would think that after a while he would think of our kids and want to get along for their sakes. He didn't. He died a few years back. My son refused to go to his funeral. I tried to get him to reconsider. He wanted no part of it.

That's a sad situation and story. I'm sorry you and your children had to go through it...

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

I didn't initially realize that twice, I was the "other one." Both times, I was in a casual relationship with them when I was told there was another person. The first time, it was a man she had met. The other time, a woman. It was awkward and a challenge to not feel like a failure. But it's how life is. Besides, we weren't serious in either case, but it still hurt.

 

[TomTeacher19]

When I was in college I had this great streak of dating girls just enough to get the guy they really wanted to stop waiting and go for them and then they ended up married. Literally happened three girls in a row in the span of one year. And I'm still friends with all three - and their husbands. All three have even said they could have seen themselves with me for the long haul and that's what finally got the guys worried that their opportunity was about to be missed. Two aren't very close and the third is and has actually been a little awkward lately but mostly just nice friendships and a lot of "what ifs"