The Rose that Bled

[gagginforit]

Hiya. I'm going to an open poetry mic night at a bar next week and I'd like to read something. I have these poems here that I think are ok. Could someone tell me if any of them are worth sharing, or how I might tighten them up a bit please? I don't know anything about formally writing a poem, they're from the heart. Thanks.

The Rose That Bled.
I killed a rose once
I didn't mean to
I didn't know
I'd never have the heart to
If only I'd known

I saw it there
In the ground
It was red and green
On it, the sun rained down
Unable to explain
It was just there
Living to grow

I touched it
Gently
Not meaning to hurt
Just wanting to see
The rose bled
The rose screamed
Blood ran down my fingers
And splashed upon the dirt
It died then
Crumpled forward
And just lay still

I killed that rose
My seed was pain
My touch was death
Oh rose that bled
Let me be the rose next


Once Upon a Time in Darkness.
What it is
is what it always has been
And what it was
is what it always shall be

Where is it from?
Nowwhere
Here
The universe
Infinity

How old is it?
How old is time?

These woods
these black ashes
and these dark pines
Hide it when it is here
Shroud it as it seethers
As it hungers
As it waits

Chained by a law long bidden
and long opposed
It waits

Many names we give to thee
Many stories and legends we write
And many names you have for us
Your nemesis
Your prey
Your lust

Behold
one of us comes
He comes to these woods for reasons of his own
Reasons which you know not
Nor care for

He seeks
yes
but not for you
He flees
but not from you
He fears
but not of you

He is young
He knows not
of the evil
that is you

He seeks you not
but he will surely find you
As will he surely flee you
And as he will most surely fear you

Behold
He comes

He approaches a tree
A rotten husk that draws his love lost eyes
A tree of which you know
A tree
beneath which he will lie
From which he will never leave
For his wandering is over

As he settles beneath it
finally
Thou art released
His vision fades
His life dims

You feed

He will rise again
And he will try to start anew
But this time he will not be himself
He cannot
For he
Is now you

 

[champagne1982]

The Rose That Bled.
I killed a rose once
I didn't mean to
I didn't know
I'd never have the heart to
If only I'd known

I saw it there
In the ground
It was red and green
On it, the sun rained down
Unable to explain
It was just there
Living to grow

I touched it
Gently
Not meaning to hurt
Just wanting to see
The rose bled
The rose screamed
Blood ran down my fingers
And splashed upon the dirt
It died then
Crumpled forward
And just lay still

I killed that rose
My seed was pain
My touch was death
Oh rose that bled
Let me be the rose next

When I read this aloud I found it was better if you modulate your voice into waves of sound. Because you'll be saying it, you need to read it over and over in order to be comfortable with the way you hear it.

I killed a rose once
I didn't mean to kill it
I didn't know I'd kill it
I'd never have the heart to kill it
If only I'd known I did.​

The red bits are words I would say if I were voicing this poem. I believe it becomes more attractive to the listener and the repetition sorta helps emphasize the contrast between a soft touch, a soft petal, and the harsh result of a withered and dead rose.

I like your poem, you just need a little work to make it lyrical. Spoken word poetry follows most of the same rules as poems you'd read (I read poetry aloud most of the time, unless I'm in public and the librarian shushes me or when the barristas start to whisper and look surreptitiously towards me as they make frightened faces) silently. However, you're allowed to break many of the "no-no's" at a reading since the poem is as transient as the sound waves your voice turns it into.

Have fun!