Scuttle Buttin'
Demons at bay
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2003
- Posts
- 15,882
Summer. Paris.
The smell of amazing food was inescapable, the women were gorgeous and from seemingly every country he'd ever heard of and a few he'd not, and yet he was still bored out of his head. People spent life savings to go on vacation here, planned for years to take honeymoons here, hell he was basically on a vacation himself here, and yet... nothing. The City of Light - so called because of it's place as the epicenter during the Age of Enlightenment, and not because of it's illumination - was not turning out to be the break he needed.
Benjamin Avett was 32 years old, and still finding himself. It was a notion his father would, without fail, roll his eyes at, but to Benjamin it seemed a generational epidemic. Intertwined with the Facebook updates of high school friends getting married or having their third child were all the people, like himself, that had yet to truly find their career, or their 'one' that they wanted to build a family with.
Most of his life had been spent in school, taking a wide range of classes that never really pointed in any specific direction. Library Sciences, English Literature, Biology, Astronomy, Physics, even a little Criminal Justice thrown in there somewhere. Between his generally good grades and his father's money and connections, Benjamin had been lucky enough to attend some of the better schools in the world, including a few years at a couple in the Ivy League in America, but all to no avail. Well educated, but without direction.
Even in love, things had not gone as smoothly as they did for most with his financial future. A quick wit, combined with being the only child that stood to inherit a considerable sum of money, helped to ensure that his bed was rarely empty for long, but it was never fully satisfying. Rarely did he stay with anyone for long. The upside to such things was that it made trips like this one significantly easier, and no one was back home worrying that he was cheating on her. Though he'd had real conversations with so people since he'd been here, even if someone was back home worried about such things, they would be doing so for no reason.
Sitting as he was now, at a sidewalk table in front of a small cafe eating breakfast, he had his nose in a book instead of soaking in the sights around him. The last pages of Doris Kerns Goodwin's A Team of Rivals were taken in with his eggs and tea, and after a second cup of the fine Ceylon blend with the exquisite honey, he paid and left.
Not far from the small room he was renting, he'd found a used book store that was owned by a French girl with green eyes that he couldn't quite force himself to stop looking at. Were he entirely honest with himself, he'd admit that part of the reason he'd gone through so many books while here was that it gave him another excuse to visit. Being someone that had always read a lot made it just that much easier to stop in often and browse.
When he entered the little shop this time, he was a bit dismayed to find someone else working behind the counter. It made sense that she'd need a day off now and then, but he was surprised at how it had disappointed him. Still, he was in need of more books, and leaving only to return later and buy them would just look... weird. Perhaps next time he'd have better luck.
It was as he looked through the piles and boxes of books that he overheard a bit of conversation that only deepened his dismayed feeling. The girl, whoever she was, had told the customer that the pretty owner was closing the shop soon, another victim of e-books and cheaper on-line retailers. His book little book shop, gone. The pretty green-eyed one that owned it, gone as well. Maybe it was time to get the hell out of Paris. Try Lisbon, or Madrid instead.
Still, he needed more to read, and after a short time he had three in his hands that seemed interesting. His conversation with the girl behind the counter was light and friendly, and he realized halfway into it that it was a bit flirty as well. She made sure their fingers touched as he handed over the Euros, and he smiled and thanked her when she dropped his change into his palm. Cute as she may be, he was mostly disappointed that it wasn't the pretty green eyes looking at him from behind the counter.
Walking back to his room, the realization hit him that a girl flirting with him had actually managed to somehow bring him down more somehow, and he couldn't help but laugh. "Ah, you ridiculous fool," he said to himself aloud. Head shaking, he made his way up the inner stairs to his room, and set the stack of books on his bedside table. Dropping onto the bed, he lifted the topmost book into his hands, opened it, and began to read.
Spare the rod and spile the child, as the Good Book says. I’m a-laying up sin and suffering for us both, I know. He’s full of the Old Scratch, but laws-a-me! he’s my own dead sister’s boy, poor thing, and I ain’t got the heart to lash him, somehow.
It was three days later before he reached the last book on the table, George Orwell's Down and Out in Paris and London. He'd not yet read it, had not even really heard it discussed much, and given that he was from London and in Paris for at least a little longer, it seemed only appropriate that he read it while here. The fact that he felt fairly down and out, here as he was to "clear your mind and figure out what the fuck you're going to do with your life," in the words of his father, it was a book he couldn't pass up.
As he always did with a new book, he skipped the summary in favor of jumping right in, not wanting his impression of the work to be influenced by someone else's idea of it. It was for this reason that he opened the front cover instead of turning it over to read the back, and it was this action that changed the course of many lives forever.
Madeline - They're sending us out to the front tomorrow. So many people are dying, and they think it may go on for another year. I'm so scared, Madeline. I can't tell them but I can tell you. I've never been so scared. For so many reasons, I never told you I loved you. I should have. I should have said it every day. If I don't make it back, my things will be sent to my family, and I hope they will give this to you. I need you to know that I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone. It is your face I see every night when I close my eyes. I hope that can be enough to carry me through and I will see you again. If I do not, I need you to know. It was always you, Madeline. Always. I love you.
Brow furrowing, he sat up on his bed, feet swinging down to the floor so he could sit on the edge, and he read the words again.
And a third time.
And then a fourth.
The signing name had been smeared beyond any recognition, and much of the writing was faded with it, but it was clear that it was a letter written to someone. Judging by the shaky nature of the handwriting, it was done in a hurry, the words being forced out by... fear, apparently.
Now he did take the time to inspect the book a little more closely, eventually finding a publication date that would put it just before the beginning of World War II.
Out to the front...
Scared...
Don't make it back...
"Fuck," he breathed as he read the words yet again. The thing in his hands suddenly felt different, no longer a book that could take him to a world that existed in the author's mind, but an anchor to a real person, a real place, and a real time. It felt somehow precious, and yet he wanted to throw it across the room, to get it out of his grasp as quickly as possible. And then he realized why.
It felt wrong.
Things like this didn't end up in used book shops, they were cherished by widows and lovers and children. They were kept carefully on a shelf, so that Madeline, whoever she may be, could take it down, and open the cover, and read the words left to her by the man who had died without ever telling her he loved her. Or the man who had made it back from war alive, and able to tell these things to her himself. Whatever may have happened to the man that wrote in the book, it was not Benjamin's to hold, or to read, or to know.
The bookseller!
A glance at his watch, and he swore under his breath again. The chances that the shop was still open were slim, the sun was already painting purple hues on the horizon, but he had to try. Feet slipped into shoes, keys lifted off the table, and he was out the door and down the stairs at a pace that was nothing short of dangerous.
The book clutched tightly in his hand, he practically ran to the small shop, his heart sinking as he approached and found most of the lights off. Trying the door, he found it locked, sinking his heart further. Cupping a hand to his face to shield from the reflection, he peered in through the window and saw a solitary light burning in the back. Maybe he would get lucky and she'd be there in the back, doing books or tidying up. He didn't know how he'd sleep tonight if he couldn't at least share this with someone. His heart thudding in his chest - whether from the run here or the adrenaline that seemed to be flowing through him now, he had no idea - he curled his fingers into a fist and began to rap on the window.
Please, please, c'mon please...
The smell of amazing food was inescapable, the women were gorgeous and from seemingly every country he'd ever heard of and a few he'd not, and yet he was still bored out of his head. People spent life savings to go on vacation here, planned for years to take honeymoons here, hell he was basically on a vacation himself here, and yet... nothing. The City of Light - so called because of it's place as the epicenter during the Age of Enlightenment, and not because of it's illumination - was not turning out to be the break he needed.
Benjamin Avett was 32 years old, and still finding himself. It was a notion his father would, without fail, roll his eyes at, but to Benjamin it seemed a generational epidemic. Intertwined with the Facebook updates of high school friends getting married or having their third child were all the people, like himself, that had yet to truly find their career, or their 'one' that they wanted to build a family with.
Most of his life had been spent in school, taking a wide range of classes that never really pointed in any specific direction. Library Sciences, English Literature, Biology, Astronomy, Physics, even a little Criminal Justice thrown in there somewhere. Between his generally good grades and his father's money and connections, Benjamin had been lucky enough to attend some of the better schools in the world, including a few years at a couple in the Ivy League in America, but all to no avail. Well educated, but without direction.
Even in love, things had not gone as smoothly as they did for most with his financial future. A quick wit, combined with being the only child that stood to inherit a considerable sum of money, helped to ensure that his bed was rarely empty for long, but it was never fully satisfying. Rarely did he stay with anyone for long. The upside to such things was that it made trips like this one significantly easier, and no one was back home worrying that he was cheating on her. Though he'd had real conversations with so people since he'd been here, even if someone was back home worried about such things, they would be doing so for no reason.
Sitting as he was now, at a sidewalk table in front of a small cafe eating breakfast, he had his nose in a book instead of soaking in the sights around him. The last pages of Doris Kerns Goodwin's A Team of Rivals were taken in with his eggs and tea, and after a second cup of the fine Ceylon blend with the exquisite honey, he paid and left.
Not far from the small room he was renting, he'd found a used book store that was owned by a French girl with green eyes that he couldn't quite force himself to stop looking at. Were he entirely honest with himself, he'd admit that part of the reason he'd gone through so many books while here was that it gave him another excuse to visit. Being someone that had always read a lot made it just that much easier to stop in often and browse.
When he entered the little shop this time, he was a bit dismayed to find someone else working behind the counter. It made sense that she'd need a day off now and then, but he was surprised at how it had disappointed him. Still, he was in need of more books, and leaving only to return later and buy them would just look... weird. Perhaps next time he'd have better luck.
It was as he looked through the piles and boxes of books that he overheard a bit of conversation that only deepened his dismayed feeling. The girl, whoever she was, had told the customer that the pretty owner was closing the shop soon, another victim of e-books and cheaper on-line retailers. His book little book shop, gone. The pretty green-eyed one that owned it, gone as well. Maybe it was time to get the hell out of Paris. Try Lisbon, or Madrid instead.
Still, he needed more to read, and after a short time he had three in his hands that seemed interesting. His conversation with the girl behind the counter was light and friendly, and he realized halfway into it that it was a bit flirty as well. She made sure their fingers touched as he handed over the Euros, and he smiled and thanked her when she dropped his change into his palm. Cute as she may be, he was mostly disappointed that it wasn't the pretty green eyes looking at him from behind the counter.
Walking back to his room, the realization hit him that a girl flirting with him had actually managed to somehow bring him down more somehow, and he couldn't help but laugh. "Ah, you ridiculous fool," he said to himself aloud. Head shaking, he made his way up the inner stairs to his room, and set the stack of books on his bedside table. Dropping onto the bed, he lifted the topmost book into his hands, opened it, and began to read.
Spare the rod and spile the child, as the Good Book says. I’m a-laying up sin and suffering for us both, I know. He’s full of the Old Scratch, but laws-a-me! he’s my own dead sister’s boy, poor thing, and I ain’t got the heart to lash him, somehow.
-------------
It was three days later before he reached the last book on the table, George Orwell's Down and Out in Paris and London. He'd not yet read it, had not even really heard it discussed much, and given that he was from London and in Paris for at least a little longer, it seemed only appropriate that he read it while here. The fact that he felt fairly down and out, here as he was to "clear your mind and figure out what the fuck you're going to do with your life," in the words of his father, it was a book he couldn't pass up.
As he always did with a new book, he skipped the summary in favor of jumping right in, not wanting his impression of the work to be influenced by someone else's idea of it. It was for this reason that he opened the front cover instead of turning it over to read the back, and it was this action that changed the course of many lives forever.
Madeline - They're sending us out to the front tomorrow. So many people are dying, and they think it may go on for another year. I'm so scared, Madeline. I can't tell them but I can tell you. I've never been so scared. For so many reasons, I never told you I loved you. I should have. I should have said it every day. If I don't make it back, my things will be sent to my family, and I hope they will give this to you. I need you to know that I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone. It is your face I see every night when I close my eyes. I hope that can be enough to carry me through and I will see you again. If I do not, I need you to know. It was always you, Madeline. Always. I love you.
Brow furrowing, he sat up on his bed, feet swinging down to the floor so he could sit on the edge, and he read the words again.
And a third time.
And then a fourth.
The signing name had been smeared beyond any recognition, and much of the writing was faded with it, but it was clear that it was a letter written to someone. Judging by the shaky nature of the handwriting, it was done in a hurry, the words being forced out by... fear, apparently.
Now he did take the time to inspect the book a little more closely, eventually finding a publication date that would put it just before the beginning of World War II.
Out to the front...
Scared...
Don't make it back...
"Fuck," he breathed as he read the words yet again. The thing in his hands suddenly felt different, no longer a book that could take him to a world that existed in the author's mind, but an anchor to a real person, a real place, and a real time. It felt somehow precious, and yet he wanted to throw it across the room, to get it out of his grasp as quickly as possible. And then he realized why.
It felt wrong.
Things like this didn't end up in used book shops, they were cherished by widows and lovers and children. They were kept carefully on a shelf, so that Madeline, whoever she may be, could take it down, and open the cover, and read the words left to her by the man who had died without ever telling her he loved her. Or the man who had made it back from war alive, and able to tell these things to her himself. Whatever may have happened to the man that wrote in the book, it was not Benjamin's to hold, or to read, or to know.
The bookseller!
A glance at his watch, and he swore under his breath again. The chances that the shop was still open were slim, the sun was already painting purple hues on the horizon, but he had to try. Feet slipped into shoes, keys lifted off the table, and he was out the door and down the stairs at a pace that was nothing short of dangerous.
The book clutched tightly in his hand, he practically ran to the small shop, his heart sinking as he approached and found most of the lights off. Trying the door, he found it locked, sinking his heart further. Cupping a hand to his face to shield from the reflection, he peered in through the window and saw a solitary light burning in the back. Maybe he would get lucky and she'd be there in the back, doing books or tidying up. He didn't know how he'd sleep tonight if he couldn't at least share this with someone. His heart thudding in his chest - whether from the run here or the adrenaline that seemed to be flowing through him now, he had no idea - he curled his fingers into a fist and began to rap on the window.
Please, please, c'mon please...