The random slice critique thread

[TheRedChamber]

I feel like we talk a fair bit about story types and ideas, about the process of writing and a little bit about story structure. What we often don't talk about deeply are the nuts and bolts of writing at a sentence or paragraph level. For this reason I'm going to try an experiment and see how it works. Here are rules:

1) Open up whatever story you are currently working on.
2) Look at how many pages you've got. Choose a page at random.
3) Now choose a starting line at random (for reference my Calibri 11 page has about 40 lines on it)
4) Select down 20 lines (this should give you about 200 words)
5) Wait for people to join the thread and pick apart your prose.

If you need a random number generator you can find one here.

Do not explain the story - it's expected that things won't quite make sense. At a maximum you can give a category, location and list of characters with a couple of words for their role.

Here's mine to get us started. This is something I wrote earlier today and haven't proofed yet.

Fetish
Shoe shop (guess the fetish!)
Jennifer - MC and customer
Mr Pritchard - shoe shop owner.

“Yes, yes, but what kind of size six? If you'd kindly have a seat here and slip out of your current footwear, I'll just have a quick look and then I'll be able to find you something both stylish and comfortable.”

Jennifer reluctantly sat on one of the little stools and slid off her slip-ons. Mr Pritchard squatted down and took her left foot in his hand.

“Oh, wow,” he said.

“Wow?” asked Jennifer suddenly even more uncomfortable.

“Sorry,” he said, regaining his composer. “Just I haven't heard this song in years. Now, your feet – as you say - size six - Greek, thin with a high arch – yes, I'm sure we'll have no problem finding something that can set these off beautifully.”

Jenny was pretty sure Radio Two played <I>Mr Blue Sky</I> on the regular. The way he'd looked at her feet just now had made her most uncomfortable. He went bustling off down the isle. Pulling out shoes, looking at them and occasionally putting them back.

Uncomfortable in a good way. He hadn't stared or leared. He'd been taken aback. He'd liked what he'd seen and he'd been a gentleman about it. That wasn't something that happened to Jennifer Masley very often.

He returned with a pair of <TYPE>. She tried them on, walked up and down a few times. They were perfect.

Analysing myself:

1) In pasting I've noticed a couple of mistaken words - composer for composure and isle for aisle, leared [sic]
2) I've also noticed a couple of grammatics flubs ("down the isle, pulling", "them on, and walked...")
3) I'm vacilating on whether the MC is referred to as Jennifer or Jenny in the third person - I should probably go with Jenny throughout.
4) I think 'slid off her slip-ons' works well but then I'm not sure having 'slip out of' so close above it is good.
5) 'suddenly even more uncomfortable' seems clumsy - repeating 'uncomfortable' a few lines later.
6) 'walked up and down' where? The aisle? But I've used that before - 'the length of the shop' maybe.
7) Obviously I need to work out what type of shoes she's buying. I didn't want to break flow to do shoe research earlier.

What else am I missing? What needs tightening up?
Then go ahead and post your own.

 

[Djmac1031]

Okay, little nit picky stuff, since you asked lol:

If you'd kindly have a seat here and slip out of your current footwear, I'll just have a quick look and then I'll be able to find you something both stylish and comfortable.”

Run on sentence.

Try:
If you'd kindly have a seat here and slip out of your current footwear, I'll just have a quick look. I should be able to find you something both stylish and comfortable.”

Mr Pritchard squatted down and took her left foot in his hand.

“Oh, wow,” he said.

Drop the "he said."

Example:
Mr Pritchard squatted down and took her left foot in his hand. “Oh, wow."

) I think 'slid off her slip-ons' works well but then I'm not sure having 'slip out of' so close above it is good.

It's a little tongue twisty lol. Maybe just "removed her slip-ons."

For whatever you feel my thoughts are worth

 

[TheRedChamber]

For whatever you feel my thoughts are worth

They're a very good start.

 

[Djmac1031]

They're a very good start.

I'm at work or I'd join in with my own material. I'll post something later for sure. It's a good exercise.

 

[alohadave]

This is my current WIP for one of my series.

It's a D/s relationship between a student and her teacher.

I haven't decided on the category yet. I could see it in Lesbian, Fetish, or BDSM.

This is unedited.

I don't know how long I laid there on Cindy’s lap, but I eventually realized that no one was punishing my butt any more.

“Stand up, slut.”

“Yes Ma’am.” I made sure to address her properly.

I stood before my Mistress, head bowed. My ass had never felt like this, it felt like she had flayed my skin off.

“Pet, look at me.”

I looked at her. She had a look of pride.

“My Pet, you have just transcended pain. Do you see my leg?” I looked and there was a wet, shiny spot on her bare thigh. “You came so hard that you passed out. You squirted all over me. I am so proud of you right now.”

The other cheerleaders all clapped and cheered for me.

“My Pet is a pain slut. Feel your legs, you are dripping wet.” I reached down to feel, and she was right, my thighs were soaked. I didn’t even know I could squirt!

“Th-thank you Mistress. It was so intense, I've never felt like that before.”

“Amy, clean up the slut.” Amy knelt and gently rubbed the towel up and down my legs, drying my squirt off me. She dredged her fingers through my pussy lips, collecting my cum. “Mmm, tasty,” she said after she sucked it from her fingers.

 

[Red_Herring4]

Instead of telling us that Jennifer feels uncomfortable, as in:

“Wow?” asked Jennifer suddenly even more uncomfortable.

What if you inserted an action that shows her discomfort? Maybe something like:

Jennifer fidgeted in her chair. "Wow?"

or

"Wow?" Jennifer removed her foot from his hand.
"Sorry." He inclined his head toward the speaker in the ceiling. "Just I haven't heard this song in years." He glanced at Jennifer's foot. "May I?"
Jennifer nodded. He slipped his fingers under her arch. "Now, your feet ..."

I'd also consider making this sentence the start of the next paragraph:

The way he'd looked at her feet just now had made her most uncomfortable. In a good way."

As it stands now, "Uncomfortable in a good way" feels disjointed to my ear because you pause from Jennifer's thoughts to describe Mr. P. bustling down the shoe aisle, then you return us to her thoughts again and try to pick up where they left off. I assume that break is intentional, since it forces the reader to sit with her being uncomfortable for a beat, until you reveal in the next paragraph that she actually enjoyed the feeling. However, the break in her thoughts felt a little jarring to me.

Just my two cents! Take or leave as you see fit.

 

[NotWise]

I think at this level of critique, we're likely to be stepping on the writer's style and the character's voices. But what the heck.

Novels and Novellas
Police interrogation room
Joey Batista (PI), Lieutenant Salazar

A woman holding a stack of files against her chest stopped outside the door. Batista couldn’t hear her, and he stood up to leave while she talked to the detective. Salazar turned back and shrugged. “Girls come and girls go. They don’t report to us.”

That was all Batista expected. He stepped around the table as a grey-haired man put his hand on Salazar’s shoulder. “Detective?” he said, and Salazar turned.

“Yes sir?” He was brass. That’s the only thing Batista was sure of.

The brass looked from Salazar to Batista and said. “Do you know who Bella Danger is?”

“Dan Danger’s widow? She’s on the news now and then.” Salazar turned back to Batista. “Captain Hanson, this is Joey Batista. We go back a few years.”

Hanson nodded to Batista and turned to Salazar. “My wife knows her and gave her my number. Bella wants a bodyguard for Saturday night. She lives in the Torreon, and right now she doesn’t feel safe coming and going. Are any of your men available?”

Salazar groaned and shook his head. “You know my men are working overtime already.”

 

[Djmac1031]

I think at this level of critique, we're likely to be stepping on the writer's style and the character's voices. But what the heck.

I don't think helping to guide people towards better ways to write sentences, paragraphs etc necessarily steps on individual style or voice.

That was all Batista expected. He stepped around the table as a grey-haired man put his hand on Salazar’s shoulder. “Detective?” he said, and Salazar turned.

“Yes sir?” He was brass. That’s the only thing Batista was sure of.

Suggested change:


That was all Batista expected. He stepped around the table as a grey-haired man put his hand on Salazar’s shoulder. “Detective?”

Salazar turned. “Yes sir?”

He was brass. That’s the only thing Batista was sure of.

Nit picky? Sure. But I feel it helps make it read smoother.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I think at this level of critique, we're likely to be stepping on the writer's style and the character's voices. But what the heck.

Novels and Novellas
Police interrogation room
Joey Batista (PI), Lieutenant Salazar

You have characters 'turned' three times in this slice.

Detective?” he said, and Salazar turned - ambiguous if 'he' is Batista or the grey-haired man.

Batista stood up to leave at the start of the slice. Not clear if he's made any progress towards this during the slice.

The business with 'the detective' and the woman seems to be dropped but it's maybe just the nature of the slice

 

[NotWise]

This is my current WIP for one of my series.

Most of the section you quoted is dialogue, and I'm not going to critique how your characters speak. I did pick out this paragraph.

I stood before my Mistress, head bowed. My ass had never felt like this, it felt like she had flayed my skin off.

I don't think the first sentence is actually a sentence, but I could be wrong. It feels like shorthand for "I stood before my Mistress with my head bowed."

The second sentence contains a comma splice. I would replace the comma with a period, but there are other ways to do it. "Off" at the end of the second independent clause is unnecessary. The clause says the same thing without it.

 

[Red_Herring4]

I think at this level of critique, we're likely to be stepping on the writer's style and the character's voices.

Agreed. But as you said, what the heck?

A woman holding a stack of files against her chest stopped outside the door. Batista couldn’t hear her, and he stood up to leave while she talked to the detective. Salazar turned back and shrugged. “Girls come and girls go. They don’t report to us.”

It's probably because I'm missing so much context, but this paragraph confused me. Does Batista actually leave? Or does he stand up to leave, then stop when Salazar speaks to him? Is Salazar speaking to him? Who are the girls that come and go? Is he referring to the woman holding the files? Again, I'm assuming most of this would be clear to me if I'd read the story. : )

“Yes sir?” He was brass. That’s the only thing Batista was sure of.

Comma needed between "Yes" and "sir," since it's a form of address. Would also move "He was brass." and the following sentence to a new line. The dialogue belongs to Salazar, but the thoughts belong to Batista, so this may be confusing for a reader. Separating them would help. Djmac1031 posted a revision while I was typing and I like his change.

The brass looked from Salazar to Batista and said. “Do you know who Bella Danger is?”

Comma instead of period after "said." Also, I think "“Do you know who Bella Danger is?” sounds a bit too formal. My first inclination was to suggest changing it to: "Do you know Bella Danger?" However, that makes it seem as though he's asking whether the character knows Bella Danger personally. Maybe something like, "Know anything about Bella Danger?" or "Have you heard the name Bella Danger?" Or maybe just leave it as is and ignore me.

All these items are minor nits. I found the writing crisp and easy to follow.

 

[NotWise]

You have characters 'turned' three times in this slice.

Detective?” he said, and Salazar turned - ambiguous if 'he' is Batista or the grey-haired man.

Batista stood up to leave at the start of the slice. Not clear if he's made any progress towards this during the slice.

The business with 'the detective' and the woman seems to be dropped but it's maybe just the nature of the slice

Thanks for pointing out the turns. I seem to have a problem with repeating rather non-descriptive verbs. This time it's "turn." Another time a beta reader found more "push" than should have been there.

The conversation, the reason for stepping out to talk to the woman (a social worker), and what was said between the detective and the woman would probably be clear if the slice were different. It is a random slice.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I don't know how long I laid there on Cindy’s lap, but I eventually realized that no one was punishing my butt any more.

“Stand up, slut.”

There's mention of an ambiguous length of time passing followed by his realization and her speech. It's not clear the gap between them.

“Yes Ma’am.” I made sure to address her properly.

I stood before my Mistress, head bowed. My ass had never felt like this, it felt like she had flayed my skin off.

Going from laying to stood before with no motion (also movement sounds painful in MCs current condition)

“Pet, look at me.”

I looked at her. She had a look of pride.

Lots of looks all together.

“My Pet, you have just transcended pain. Do you see my leg?” I looked and there was a wet, shiny spot on her bare thigh. “You came so hard that you passed out. You squirted all over me. I am so proud of you right now.”

Pride repeated both. If she's going to say it clearly don't have the character Intuit it from her face?

The other cheerleaders all clapped and cheered for me.

Maybe make more of this.
(btw for some reason given the lack?of context I found this sentence hilarious. Most lit story ever?)

“My Pet is a pain slut. Feel your legs, you are dripping wet.” I reached down to feel, and she was right, my thighs were soaked. I didn’t even know I could squirt!

“Th-thank you Mistress. It was so intense, I've never felt like that before.”

“Amy, clean up the slut.” Amy knelt and gently rubbed the towel up and down my legs, drying my squirt off me.

Is squirt a noun? I guess...

She dredged her fingers through my pussy lips, collecting my cum. “Mmm, tasty,” she said after she sucked it from her fingers.

Not crazy about the word 'dredged' here. Maybe need some clue as to the tone of how she says tasty here. She's been aloof so far but this seems playful.

 

[MelissaBaby]

WIP, first draft

Queen of the Roller Derby

Lesbian Romance, a period piece set primarily in the 1950s


I watched her roll into the arena, and my first thought was that she looked just like any ordinary woman. But when she mounted the track, it was if she magically transformed. She somehow got bigger. She took a slow skate around the oval, but I noticed that she wasn’t just warming up. Her head was in constant motion, as if she was examining everything around her. A couple of times, she bent over and looked down, studying the surface of the track, though she had skated on it hundreds of times.

On her second lap, she picked up speed until her legs were a blur. My dad had taken me down to Belle Isle once, to watch the time trials for the hydroplane races. Those sleek boats moved so fast and so sure that they rose above the water, just skimming the surface. That’s how Betsy Brautigan skated.

Some of her teammates entered the track, but I could not take my eyes off Betsy. I watched her every move until she finished her warm up and exited back to the locker room.

I figured I should get back to mine, but when I stood, I smelled rancid cigar smoke. I looked behind me and saw Coach Joe sitting a dozen rows up.

“What do you think, Boyd?” he asked.

“I think they are going to kill us.”

He flicked the ashes from his cigar, put it back in his mouth, then growled, “They are definitely going to kill you.”

 

[Djmac1031]

Thanks for pointing out the turns. I seem to have a problem with repeating rather non-descriptive verbs.

I do that ALL THE TIME .

 

[MelissaBaby]

This is my current WIP for one of my series.

It's a D/s relationship between a student and her teacher.

I haven't decided on the category yet. I could see it in Lesbian, Fetish, or BDSM.

This is unedited.

>>I looked at her. She had a look of pride<<

I wouldn't juxtapose the two usages of "look" in back to back sentences.

Maybe "Gazed up at her," or some other synonym?

 

[onehitwanda]

Jennifer reluctantly sat on one of the little stools and slid off her slip-ons.

Jennifer hesitantly lowered herself onto one of the little stools. She reluctantly slipped off her left (plimsole, loafer - try to find the correct name here) and repressed the urge to squirm as Mr Pritchard took her bare foot in his (cool, warm, sweaty, dry - lovely opportunity to set the scene or tone with a vicarious adjective here )

“Oh, wow,” he said.

"Oh wow," he cooed - said is very flat, by choosing a synonym here you can totally change the taste of the sentence.

“Wow?” asked Jennifer suddenly even more uncomfortable.

"Wow?" echoed Jennifer, who suddenly felt extremely exposed.

I don't want to do too much because our styles are very different. But you have a lovely skill with words and wordplay - use it!

---

mine:

“Just wait till I strap the cutlass on, then you'll be sorry for your unwarranted sass. Turn around for me.”

I held myself still as she gathered the straggling bits of my hair together. She was quicker this time, but the bow was just as pretty as I remembered.

“Yeah. That's just the absolute cherry on the top,” she breathed. “Put the Bolero on and let me admire you.”

I carefully slipped into her gorgeous lace jacket and turned to face her; she reached out and fastened the button under my throat.

“I like the way those pieces of eight hang where they are,” she said with a candid grin. “It... draws the eye.”

I touched the necklace of coins.

“Pity I don't have much to draw the eye to...”

“You do absolutely fine in that regard, babe,” she said. “You've got a lovely rack; or at least I've always thought so.”

I mumbled something inarticulate.

She stepped back. “Gosh, you're as cute as a button. Alright. Party's started already so we should get a move on.”

She picked up her tricorne and placed it on my head for me, raking it forwards once more. Then she briefly rubbed my shoulders. “You're so tense,” she said. “Relax, Erin. It will be fun. You look stunning. I'm jealous.”

“I'm just... excited. I'm actually looking forward to it.”

“Mm. Good.”

She sauntered back into our bedroom and picked up her prop sword. She fastened the belt around her waist and then turned, posing with her hand on the hilt.

“You look great, you know,” I said, unprompted.

“Flatterer,” she answered.

But she really did; the belt added a little bit of additional curve to her coat that screamed “Woman” at the top of its voice.

She had such nice legs.

She was so dashing.

I sighed.

self-analysis: I have to physically restrain myself from murmuring, whispering, breathing and all the other Rococo similes for a simple said. But I hate multiple saids.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I think at this level of critique, we're likely to be stepping on the writer's style and the character's voices. But what the heck.

Novels and Novellas
Police interrogation room
Joey Batista (PI), Lieutenant Salazar

>>“Yes sir?” He was brass. That’s the only thing Batista was sure of.<<

I'd flip it, so that the recognition that he was brass comes before the "Yes sir?"

He wouldn't say "yes sir" before he determined the man outranked him, would he?

 

[MelissaBaby]

Most of the section you quoted is dialogue, and I'm not going to critique how your characters speak. I did pick out this paragraph.



I don't think the first sentence is actually a sentence, but I could be wrong. It feels like shorthand for "I stood before my Mistress with my head bowed."

The second sentence contains a comma splice. I would replace the comma with a period, but there are other ways to do it. "Off" at the end of the second independent clause is unnecessary. The clause says the same thing without it.

I think "I stood before my mistress, my head bowed" would work. It has the sound of a subbie voice.

 

[Red_Herring4]

But when she mounted the track, it was if she magically transformed.

Minor typo: "It was as if she ..."

Her head was in constant motion, as if she was examining everything around her.

Maybe instead of "was in constant motion" you could briefly describe the motion to help paint the picture? "Her head swayed/bobbed constantly from side to side..." or something along those lines.

I watched her every move until she finished her warm up and exited back to the locker room.

Maybe just "exited" instead of "exited back" here? Or, if "exited" feels too formal, "headed back" to the locker room.

He flicked the ashes from his cigar, put it back in his mouth, then growled, “They are definitely going to kill you.”

Ha! Love this.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Minor typo: "It was as if she ..."


Maybe instead of "was in constant motion" you could briefly describe the motion to help paint the picture? "Her head swayed/bobbed constantly from side to side..." or something along those lines.


Maybe just "exited" instead of "exited back" here? Or, if "exited" feels too formal, "headed back" to the locker room.


Ha! Love this.

Thanks!

Good catch on the typo, as I said, it's first draft. So that's one less I'll miss later!

As for the constant motion of her head, I thought the "examining everything round her" covered it, but worth reconsideration.

I'll play around with "exited back". I want it to be clear that she exits not just the track, but the arena, but I am sure I can reword that more elegantly.

 

[AlinaX]

Exited back works.

 

[Djmac1031]

Gonna throw my hat in this ring lol.

From the latest chapter of my Jenna series I'm currently working on.

I intentionally picked a section I know I want to go back and edit, and already spot several things myself.

But I won't mention them and see if any of you do. Or if you catch something I missed, or have suggestions I haven't considered.

Basic premise of snippet: Guy browsing a young woman's Only Fan page.

He quickly scanned her profile intro:

"Hey guys! I'm Michelle! I'm a 21 year old college student of Filipino descent. I've got long, dark hair, big, full, natural breasts, and an ass you could bounce a quarter off of.

"I absolutely LOVE sex, and I'm not shy about it! So go ahead, tell me all your kinkiest desires. I'll make them cum true.

"Check my menu for prices on custom requests and remember: take good care of me, and I'll take good care of you."

Beneath her intro was a picture; Michelle, posed in front of what appeared to be the windows of a building, a cityscape he couldn't identify reflected in the glass behind her.

Surprisingly, she was fully clothed. Her hair flowed past her shoulders, blown slightly by a breeze.

Her pink belly shirt conformed to the luscious curves of her breasts, while her tight black yoga pants hugged every inch of her wide hips and long, toned legs.

Scrolling down, he next found a series of still photos. Tom recognized the pink lingerie outfit as the same one Michelle had worn the night of Jenna's birthday party.

Unlike that evening, though, he was now privy to much more than a few, tantalizing glimpses of her more intimate areas.

The pictures became more revealing with each one; Michelle, leaning forward, her ample cleavage on display. The cups of the top pulled down, her hands over her breasts.

Her naturally tanned breasts freed, round and firm, her dark nipples popping out from the tips.

Michelle, on her hands and knees, her panty clad ass thrust at the camera as she looked back with a sexy smile, her hair flowing down her bare back, her oval face lit up by her tantalizing smile.

The panties, pulled down, just below her round, firm buttocks.

And finally, the panties removed, plump vulva fully exposed, her labia peeking out from between.

"Jesus." His cock already swelling in his sweatpants, he freed it with a quick tug. It sprung free gratefully and within moments expanded to its full length.

 

[Red_Herring4]

mine:

Sorry. I don't know how to quote something that's already quoted within a post.

I held myself still as she gathered the straggling bits of my hair together.

--Really like the choice of words here: "held myself still." It creates a nice tension. It's clear it requires force of will on Erin's part not to respond to her touch.

She picked up her tricorne and placed it on my head for me, raking it forwards once more. Then she briefly rubbed my shoulders. “You're so tense,” she said. “Relax, Erin. It will be fun. You look stunning. I'm jealous.”

--I don't know that "she said" is needed here, but that's just a matter of personal preference. And keeping the "she said" creates a nice little pause during the shoulder rub that also helps to build tension, so maybe you want to keep it for that reason alone.

She sauntered back into our bedroom and picked up her prop sword. She fastened the belt around her waist and then turned, posing with her hand on the hilt.

“You look great, you know,” I said, unprompted.

---Isn't it a little bit prompted by the fact that she turns and poses with her hand on the hilt? I get why the word is included. It conveys the sense that Erin just can't help but express her admiration; the words just jump out despite her nervousness.

I've read a lot of scenes that build erotic tension through the process of undressing. This scene does it extremely well through the process of getting dressed. I enjoyed it!

 

[Red_Herring4]

As for the constant motion of her head, I thought the "examining everything round her" covered it, but worth reconsideration.

You're right. It does cover it. What tripped me up, I think, was the use of the passive voice: "Her head was in constant motion, as if she was examining everything around her." Maybe just: "Her head swayed constantly, as if ..." or "Her head moved constantly, as if ..."

Again, this is all informed by my personal biases and preferences. Just because I tend to avoid passive voice in most cases doesn't mean it's not the best choice here. I use it too when it feels right. You know best what fits your voice. I'm just using my finest toothed comb trying to find nits that I can pick for the sake of making a suggestion or two.