The problem nice-guys seem to have with women - solved!!!

[His Whimsicality]

(Well, perhaps, that is.)
I´ve always wondered why the nice guys (like myself, for instance;-)) who are neither dumb nor ugly often do not have that much success with women (as opposed to some bloody macho-idiot).

Well, I think I have finally found the solution that problem: Personally, when I´m interested in a woman, I think I (for the want of a better word) 'approach' her too much - the typical nice-guy problem I think.

But in what respect could this be a problem? I believe it´s a power thing: in all aspects of life people of power have to be approached by those of lesser status - either if the latter want something from the former but also if it´s the other way round. I mean the boss of a firm would hardly go to a simple assistant and nicely ask him to do this and that, the assistant would rather be summoned into the boss´office.

Similarly, if I do all the approaching, I believe that (probably on an unconscious level) I signal that I´m much lower in status than she is - and that could very well be the reason why I sometimes seem to appear to be the opposite of the desirable alpha-guy and thus not particularly interesting.

Obvious solution: make myself rare, feign a little bit disinterest, etc.


What do you say to that theory of mine? Did I hit the nail on the head? Comments please.

 

[Cheyenne]

Sounds like a long way of saying "play hard to get."

The risk there is that the woman is shy and won't play your game. Or she won't know you are interested at all.

 

[Mensa]

Now sit up and beg!

The points you make are valid but I'm less certain about your solution. If you come on too strong, they think you're a jerk. Too weak and they think your nice but not man enough.

Let's face it, guys, they hold most of the cards and they have us dancing like bears in the circus. We'll just have to get used to it, I suppose.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Personally the problem I've had with the so called nice-guy people is that they have no personality. They're nice. We always do what I want. We always talk about what I want. His opinions are carefully monitored to be non-inflammatory or they are my opinions regurgitated. When deciding dinner his response, "I don't care, where do you want to go?" When deciding what to do for the evening, "You wanted to see the opera, let's go there." and I still don't really know if he likes or detests opera. I mention that I like the Packers and suddenly he has a packer's hat.

Women do not respect doormats any more than men do. Yes, you're a nice guy, you have a great job, you drive a nice car, you always do your best to give a woman what she wants. Maybe a woman wants you to be yourself, even the irritating, frustrating, and misguided notioned self that you are.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Sounds like a long way of saying "play hard to get."

The risk there is that the woman is shy and won't play your game. Or she won't know you are interested at all.

No, of course you´ve got to let her know that you´re interested, but you shouldn´t trail her like a dog or something - you´ve got to meet somewhere in the middle i.e. not approach her too much, but neither too little. With me, it´s usually been the 'a little too much' because I´m very open and that´s sometimes misunderstood.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Re: Now sit up and beg!

Let's face it, guys, they hold most of the cards and they have us dancing like bears in the circus. We'll just have to get used to it, I suppose.

Yes, essentially true, but if you don´t show your interest too much, the situation could change.

 

[Morden]

Actually my problem was the exact opposite of aproaching to much. Being shy I never approached and ended up taking what was offered. I guess that is why I love my girlfriend so much. I am actually pursueing a woman who feels for me the way I feel for her. Not because she thought she might get a good lay, but because we actually want to do things together. Its a difficult relationship at times but the rewards are really great. Sides she is a total babe.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Actually my problem was the exact opposite of aproaching to much. Being shy I never approached and ended up taking what was offered.

No I meant 'approaching' differently (that´s why I hyphenated it). It´s not the act of saying hi - it´s how you proceed from 'loose acquaintance status' onwards if the contact already exists.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Personally the problem I've had with the so called nice-guy people is that they have no personality. They're nice. We always do what I want. We always talk about what I want.

Yes, I can sympathize, but that´s not the case with me luckily. I think I´m rather witty and pretty good at conversation, not a bad entertainer and I know I can make them laugh.

 

[Morden]

No I meant 'approaching' differently (that´s why I hyphenated it). It´s not the act of saying hi - it´s how you proceed from 'loose acquaintance status' onwards if the contact already exists.

No thats basically what I meant to. I can make friends easy enough and get aquainted easy. Its all ways been the getting past that part.

 

[Guru]

 

[riff]

I don't think nice has much to do with it.

Everybody loves a nice guy. No problem there.

I think confidence, self-assurance, and a passion for living go a very long way. The trouble is that sometimes if we try to "act" confident, they either see through the act (which is worse than being seen as lacking confidence) or we over compensate and act like arrogant assholes.

I truly believe that the best way to go about it is to concentrate on yourself. Find things that you enjoy and are interested in and develop them. Imagine all the qualities you seek in a partner and try to develop them in yourself.

In the end, you will be a happier individual because you are living the life you want to live and this only makes you more confident. And because you have developed all of the qualities you seek in a partner, people who themselves have these qualities will only be happy to have met you.

Now, think about it. You're going about life happily and you meet a girl that you like that sings in the same groove that you do. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Better orgasms and all! What's even better is that because you were quite happy before you met her, you know that if it doesn't pan out, you are no worse than before (which was not a bad situation at all).

Remember:
"A good-looking woman walks by every 20 minutes, but a beautiful one walks by every 10."

Dr. Riff

 

[Juspar Emvan]

Re: I don't think nice has much to do with it.

Everybody loves a nice guy. No problem there.

Juspar reckons that everybody likes a nice guy. And 'like', just as 'nice', is such an insipid(sp?) word. Unfortunatley it accurately describes the situation I find my self in all too often.

 

[His Whimsicality]

No thats basically what I meant to. I can make friends easy enough and get aquainted easy. Its all ways been the getting past that part.

Oh, I see. Sounded as if you were shy generally.

 

[riff]

Re: Re: I don't think nice has much to do with it.

Juspar reckons that everybody likes a nice guy. And 'like', just as 'nice', is such an insipid(sp?) word. Unfortunatley it accurately describes the situation I find my self in all too often.

I understand completely. So stop making niceness and issue and get out there and shine!

 

[lavender]

 

[ChaoticLil]

Personally the problem I've had with the so called nice-guy people is that they have no personality. They're nice. We always do what I want. We always talk about what I want. His opinions are carefully monitored to be non-inflammatory or they are my opinions regurgitated. When deciding dinner his response, "I don't care, where do you want to go?" When deciding what to do for the evening, "You wanted to see the opera, let's go there." and I still don't really know if he likes or detests opera. I mention that I like the Packers and suddenly he has a packer's hat.

Women do not respect doormats any more than men do. Yes, you're a nice guy, you have a great job, you drive a nice car, you always do your best to give a woman what she wants. Maybe a woman wants you to be yourself, even the irritating, frustrating, and misguided notioned self that you are.

Wow! I couldn't have said it bettter myself.

 

[riff]

I guess I am not nice.

Y'all talk about nice as if it means a lack of will and is a sign of weakness.

When I think of a nice person, I imagine someone who is cheerful, friendly, sincere, and enjoys a good laugh.

According to your definition, nice people are manipulative, patronizing, self-serving leeches.

LOL

Fuck you too! ))

 

[Morden]

Personally the problem I've had with the so called nice-guy people is that they have no personality. They're nice. We always do what I want. We always talk about what I want. His opinions are carefully monitored to be non-inflammatory or they are my opinions regurgitated. When deciding dinner his response, "I don't care, where do you want to go?" When deciding what to do for the evening, "You wanted to see the opera, let's go there." and I still don't really know if he likes or detests opera. I mention that I like the Packers and suddenly he has a packer's hat.

Women do not respect doormats any more than men do. Yes, you're a nice guy, you have a great job, you drive a nice car, you always do your best to give a woman what she wants. Maybe a woman wants you to be yourself, even the irritating, frustrating, and misguided notioned self that you are.

The problem wiht the above statement is so varied and has so many outcomes for the guy that its really rediculous. I mean most woman act the exact same way not really wanting to upset a guy they want to be with either. I am a nice guy I will be honest, and I have been through that phase of total lackiness. I grew out of it and found a nice balance though for some reason everyone thinks i am an arrogant bastard now <grins evilly>. Its a no win situation. Woman want romance, but are afraid when they get it. Woman want sappiness but get all bored at the constant nagging. Woman want a bad guy but get all hurt when he sleeps with her best friend and sister in the same bed they do.
I think the problem is not nice guy vs bad guy its brovado vs hiding. Assholes (for lack of a better word) can get more girls because they go for them and don't give a crap if they get anything more then a good wiff of her undies. While the intentions of the nice guy are grounded in relationships. I think thats why net based relationships seem to be easier to cultivate then real life ones. You can grow atatched to a person on here without worrying. If its taken further then yeah most of the time its not or its gone so far you can't help but take it to the next level. It would be great if we could all be as free and outgoing in real life as we are on here.