monkeycoyote
Virgin
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- Oct 1, 2006
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TYVM 4 nothing
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The phone call
- Thread starter monkeycoyote
- Start date
This is beyond the help of feedback kbate, it needs a complete rewrite
(This frog with its tongue out is a real turn on) The phone rings once, twice, three times a lady. I answer” hello”. As opposed to "goodbye". Or simply heavy breathing down the phone. As the bishop said to the elderly prostitute - this is one weak opening.
"What r u wearing?" a deep, cliched voice txt messages me.
"Pj's" I say
"Pj's what?" the voice asks.
"You know, pajamas."
"Oh - it's just, well, you definitely used a possessive apostrophe there."
"Don't be so fucking pedantic."
"I wouldn't mind the occasional grammatical error if this was in any way erotic."
Slowly, though without a comma, I take the Pjs off as I hold onto the phone. It would have been easier if I'd set it aside. My pajama top is all tangled up in the cord now. Ho hum. As I lay back I feel the excitement fluttering through me.
"I laying down" I say.
"I Tarzan," the voice replies. “Good, now I want u 2 do exactly as I say. Will u do that?” he asked in the past tense.
Resolutely ignoring his tense, I breathily reply in the present: “Yes”
“Slowly suck your finger n 2 ur month."
"OK," I say, slowly placing my finger into February.
"Work it n and out until it is nice and wet." I take my finger out of my month, satisfied that it is both nice and wet. "Lightly trail 'er finger down over 'er chin. On down 'er neck, across 'er breasts to 'er pink, hard nipples, squeeze and flick 'er nipples until they are hard as rocks. God lurve ya." The voice seems to have adopted an improbable cockney accent. Nevertheless, I do as it commands, seizing her finger and following the specified topography.
"What are you doing?" she asks, shocked. Then she slaps me and locks herself in the bathroom.
"Think of my hands on u. lightly and slowly caressing Ur body. Think of me randomly putting full stops in sentences. Think of me being too fucking lazy to write words out in full. Up ur arms, put your hands where I can see them! 2 ur neck. That's right, slowly down across ur breasts over ur tummy, and just above ur hair line. You have the right to remain silent anything you do say can and will be used against you in a court of law."
"The feather touches move down Ur inner thigh, across the back of Ur knees, and down 2 Ur toes. The touches r so light and soft they r bearly a whisper,” he says, mixing metaphors and inventing the word 'bearly' which should, by rights, mean 'like a bear'. For example, "That's a lovely pickernick basket there Booboo," said Yogi bearly."
I gasp as I imagine the touch. It is wonderful. My whole body is tingling at the mere thought. He continues n a deep, sex laden voice,” slowly bring Ur hand back 2 Ur pussy. Feel the heat. Feel how wet u r. Tease Ur self. Lightly brush across ur clit. How does it feel? Want more?”
All I can do is moan. It feels so good.
“Now I know u have it there. U know want I am talking about."
"Er ... my teddy bear?"
"Bring the head 2 Ur lips."
I give Mr Huggy-Wuggy a big smoochy kiss on his head.
"Push it through."
"What??"
"Slide it up and down inside ur pussy lips."
"Oh! My PUSSY lips! I thought you meant ... never mind what I thought. And I'm not putting Mr Huggy-Wuggy down there."
"Get it all wet. Just put the head of it n, pull it out."
"No. I don't think his head would fit up there in any case."
Do it again, only the head. Like that? I bet u do. Rub ur clit with the head. Move it slowly back to go b. Now push it n hard and fast and pull it out. Again. Again. Fuck ur self with that big hard cock."
"You mean my dildo! Why didn't you say? I'll get it. It's in my underwear drawer."
"Shove it n ur pussy. Harder. Harder. Rub ur clit as u pump ur pussy. Picture my big hard dick sliding n and out of ur tight, hot, wet pussy. Like it? More?” he asks
"Like it more than what?" I ask.
My whole body is on fire. I have rolled into one of my scented candles. I hastily stop, drop and roll to extinguish myself. Every muscle is taunt. As opposed to taut. I can feel it. Oh it feels so good. I don’t want it to end.
"Fuck me, baby!” I gasp, "Oooorgasm, oh it feels incredible." I say hilariously. Everytime I come I always say 'oooorgasm." I sound like a baboon in heat. My whole body goes rigid. I slowly continue sliding the dick n and out. I am so tingly all over. I start 2 relax. I say as well as I can being out out, I'll say it again: "out", one more time: "out", of breath.
“I love you!”
“I love u 2. Hope that holds u until next time. I got 2 go. I love you.” He says. Then he hangs up. Typical fucking man. Only interested in one thing. I am left all warm and tingly with wonderful memories …until next time. When the memories will, presumably, be erased and my third degree burns and pins and needles will have cleared up.
(This frog with its tongue out is a real turn on) The phone rings once, twice, three times a lady. I answer” hello”. As opposed to "goodbye". Or simply heavy breathing down the phone. As the bishop said to the elderly prostitute - this is one weak opening. "What r u wearing?" a deep, cliched voice txt messages me.
"Pj's" I say
"Pj's what?" the voice asks.
"You know, pajamas."
"Oh - it's just, well, you definitely used a possessive apostrophe there."
"Don't be so fucking pedantic."
"I wouldn't mind the occasional grammatical error if this was in any way erotic."
Slowly, though without a comma, I take the Pjs off as I hold onto the phone. It would have been easier if I'd set it aside. My pajama top is all tangled up in the cord now. Ho hum. As I lay back I feel the excitement fluttering through me.
"I laying down" I say.
"I Tarzan," the voice replies. “Good, now I want u 2 do exactly as I say. Will u do that?” he asked in the past tense.
Resolutely ignoring his tense, I breathily reply in the present: “Yes”
“Slowly suck your finger n 2 ur month."
"OK," I say, slowly placing my finger into February.
"Work it n and out until it is nice and wet." I take my finger out of my month, satisfied that it is both nice and wet. "Lightly trail 'er finger down over 'er chin. On down 'er neck, across 'er breasts to 'er pink, hard nipples, squeeze and flick 'er nipples until they are hard as rocks. God lurve ya." The voice seems to have adopted an improbable cockney accent. Nevertheless, I do as it commands, seizing her finger and following the specified topography.
"What are you doing?" she asks, shocked. Then she slaps me and locks herself in the bathroom.
"Think of my hands on u. lightly and slowly caressing Ur body. Think of me randomly putting full stops in sentences. Think of me being too fucking lazy to write words out in full. Up ur arms, put your hands where I can see them! 2 ur neck. That's right, slowly down across ur breasts over ur tummy, and just above ur hair line. You have the right to remain silent anything you do say can and will be used against you in a court of law."
"The feather touches move down Ur inner thigh, across the back of Ur knees, and down 2 Ur toes. The touches r so light and soft they r bearly a whisper,” he says, mixing metaphors and inventing the word 'bearly' which should, by rights, mean 'like a bear'. For example, "That's a lovely pickernick basket there Booboo," said Yogi bearly."
I gasp as I imagine the touch. It is wonderful. My whole body is tingling at the mere thought. He continues n a deep, sex laden voice,” slowly bring Ur hand back 2 Ur pussy. Feel the heat. Feel how wet u r. Tease Ur self. Lightly brush across ur clit. How does it feel? Want more?”
All I can do is moan. It feels so good.
“Now I know u have it there. U know want I am talking about."
"Er ... my teddy bear?"
"Bring the head 2 Ur lips."
I give Mr Huggy-Wuggy a big smoochy kiss on his head.
"Push it through."
"What??"
"Slide it up and down inside ur pussy lips."
"Oh! My PUSSY lips! I thought you meant ... never mind what I thought. And I'm not putting Mr Huggy-Wuggy down there."
"Get it all wet. Just put the head of it n, pull it out."
"No. I don't think his head would fit up there in any case."
Do it again, only the head. Like that? I bet u do. Rub ur clit with the head. Move it slowly back to go b. Now push it n hard and fast and pull it out. Again. Again. Fuck ur self with that big hard cock."
"You mean my dildo! Why didn't you say? I'll get it. It's in my underwear drawer."
"Shove it n ur pussy. Harder. Harder. Rub ur clit as u pump ur pussy. Picture my big hard dick sliding n and out of ur tight, hot, wet pussy. Like it? More?” he asks
"Like it more than what?" I ask.
My whole body is on fire. I have rolled into one of my scented candles. I hastily stop, drop and roll to extinguish myself. Every muscle is taunt. As opposed to taut. I can feel it. Oh it feels so good. I don’t want it to end.
"Fuck me, baby!” I gasp, "Oooorgasm, oh it feels incredible." I say hilariously. Everytime I come I always say 'oooorgasm." I sound like a baboon in heat. My whole body goes rigid. I slowly continue sliding the dick n and out. I am so tingly all over. I start 2 relax. I say as well as I can being out out, I'll say it again: "out", one more time: "out", of breath.
“I love you!”
“I love u 2. Hope that holds u until next time. I got 2 go. I love you.” He says. Then he hangs up. Typical fucking man. Only interested in one thing. I am left all warm and tingly with wonderful memories …until next time. When the memories will, presumably, be erased and my third degree burns and pins and needles will have cleared up.
SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2004
- Posts
- 13,442
Christ, how hard is it to type 'in' instead of 'n', or add a couple of letters to 'u' to make it legible?
Chatspeak doesn't belong in erotica (or anywhere else) unless an author's giving an example of how stupid it looks or an idiotic character writes.
I just skimmed, but the punctuation and grammar errors are glaring, the lack of spacing makes it very difficult to read, and you're missing the elements of a good story (interesting characters, events, some conflict/problem, interest, excitement, good description, etc.).
If you're interested in writing, read through the Writers Resources, and give it another shot. Otherwise, stick to cybering and phone sex with partners who don't mind your style.
Good luck!
Chatspeak doesn't belong in erotica (or anywhere else) unless an author's giving an example of how stupid it looks or an idiotic character writes.
What is 'to go b'?monkeycoyote said:
I just skimmed, but the punctuation and grammar errors are glaring, the lack of spacing makes it very difficult to read, and you're missing the elements of a good story (interesting characters, events, some conflict/problem, interest, excitement, good description, etc.).
If you're interested in writing, read through the Writers Resources, and give it another shot. Otherwise, stick to cybering and phone sex with partners who don't mind your style.
Good luck!
I'm a little abashed
I shouldn't really have performed such a hatchet job on someone's story which, for all I know, might have been deeply heartfelt and taken hours of blood, sweat and tears. SweetErika's balance and constructive criticism is much more appropriate. I hang my head in shame.
monkeycoyote, if you want criticism then ask for it with deference and humility. Don't just plonk the story in front of us without explanation. Were you looking for validation or praise or just to bypass the rigmarole of posting the story properly to the site?
And that fricking frog-poking-its-tongue out emoticon fills me with rage. What are you trying to say with it? As I see it, an emoticon is a convenient way of advertising your state of mind at the time you are writing and posting.
means 'I am happy' and/or 'I post this story in the hope of brightening your day'. It makes me feel good. means 'I am sad, I am in need of good cheer'.
on the other hand means 'I am a smug, cheeky fucking frog'. It feels like you are trying to make me feel complicit in your irreverence and implicate me in the messy prose that follows. SweetErika is right, the story needs a hell of a lot of work to make it, you know, a story. As it stands, it is a pile of wank.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
I shouldn't really have performed such a hatchet job on someone's story which, for all I know, might have been deeply heartfelt and taken hours of blood, sweat and tears. SweetErika's balance and constructive criticism is much more appropriate. I hang my head in shame.
monkeycoyote, if you want criticism then ask for it with deference and humility. Don't just plonk the story in front of us without explanation. Were you looking for validation or praise or just to bypass the rigmarole of posting the story properly to the site?
And that fricking frog-poking-its-tongue out emoticon fills me with rage. What are you trying to say with it? As I see it, an emoticon is a convenient way of advertising your state of mind at the time you are writing and posting.
means 'I am happy' and/or 'I post this story in the hope of brightening your day'. It makes me feel good. means 'I am sad, I am in need of good cheer'. on the other hand means 'I am a smug, cheeky fucking frog'. It feels like you are trying to make me feel complicit in your irreverence and implicate me in the messy prose that follows. SweetErika is right, the story needs a hell of a lot of work to make it, you know, a story. As it stands, it is a pile of wank. Maybe I'm overreacting.
SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2004
- Posts
- 13,442
Uh, that's the thing with this one - the author couldn't be bothered to take the time to write out words like 'to', 'in' and 'you.' S/he asked us to spend time trying to decipher and give feedback on something that was so chatspeak- and error-ridden that it'd be a stretch to say it was written in English.Mayu said:
Everyone makes mistakes, and that's not really the issue here. The problem for me at least is the fact that the author clearly didn't put time into making it legible. When that's the case, they can't possibly expect positive feedback and lots of fluff from people who are here because they put a lot of time and effort into enjoying the written word.
The other thing is that writers get less than glowing feedback all the time - that's part of the deal when one asks for comments. You're right, perhaps you and others would have felt differently about the story, so it was very immature and rude of the author to pull it just because they didn't agree with the first few comments. If someone's going to do that, they have no business posting their work, much less soliciting feedback.
Negative Feedback
Our simian/canine friend did not ask for a review, he merely posted the story, without explanation, here in 'Story Feedback and Discussion'. I think kbate was justified in assuming that he didn't want feedback per se, only a quick and easy way of publishing a stroke story and bypassing Lit's editorial controls.
Once an author's work is in the public domain (without the protection of a rider that states that it is not the finished artifact and politely and humbly asks for readers' opinion and criticism) then, as far as I am concerned, it is fair game. As authors we lose ownership of our work as soon as it is published, the critics can slam it and the readers misconstrue at as much as they please and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. An author who doesn't recognise this plain fact and isn't philosophical about the whole business is in for a rough time of it.
Even if monkeycoyote did want feedback, in withdrawing the work in the face of negative responses, he has proved that he had no faith in it. Rather than defending it against all comers he has validated our opinion of its inferiority. I stand by my opinion that the thing was lazily written, cliched and, therefore, tedious. Constructive criticism can do no good if the whole edifice needs to be torn down and rebuilt from scratch.
I think that you are quite right, Mayu, that we shouldn't be too hard on pieces of work that are obviously labours of love, on which people have spent time and effort. Normally, I would not be negative in reviewing or giving feedback on a story. I know how much effort can go into the writing of a story, and, usually there is at least something I can honestly say I enjoy in every piece I come across. "The Phone Call", however, was obviously a hasty, shoddy work that was probably knocked off in not more than quarter of an hour. The author hadn't even attempted a cursory proofread and elementary spelling mistakes and word errors abounded. This shows an evident contempt for those whom he is asking to criticise his work. If he can't even be bothered to read it through properly himself, why should we spend any time or effort on finding nice things to say about it?
I hold that one should always balance positive and negative comments in reviewing a story, but, in this instance, I felt that there was no redeeming quality whatsoever in the work. Hence my broadside of a parody. Which, I think, does serve as a legitimate critique in that it highlights the spelling errors ('bearly' instead of 'barely') and distracting wrong words ('month' for 'mouth') as well as the cliches and problems inherent to writing in txt msg spk.
Instead of acting like a piquant adolescent shouting (again in 'yoof' code)
monkeycoyote could have exercised his right of reply, articulating his (perhaps reasonable) position that most people are not fussed about spelling and grammar in erotica, and are, in fact, turned off by commas and intimidated by words correctly spelled and written out in full. "Down with the intelligentsia! Up with the masses! Punctuation is a weapon for the use of the bourgeoisie against the proletariat!" he could have cried, becoming a working-class hero and the figurehead for those who believe that the production of erotica should not be merely the preserve of those who graduated from high school and that the strictures of this site are too tough. His slogans and populist rage might have made me feel distinctly uncomfortable in my smug, university-educated elitism. But he didn't engage in debate, nor did he defend his Hunter S Thompson gonzo erotica. He just flounced off in a huff.
Mayu said:
Our simian/canine friend did not ask for a review, he merely posted the story, without explanation, here in 'Story Feedback and Discussion'. I think kbate was justified in assuming that he didn't want feedback per se, only a quick and easy way of publishing a stroke story and bypassing Lit's editorial controls.
Once an author's work is in the public domain (without the protection of a rider that states that it is not the finished artifact and politely and humbly asks for readers' opinion and criticism) then, as far as I am concerned, it is fair game. As authors we lose ownership of our work as soon as it is published, the critics can slam it and the readers misconstrue at as much as they please and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. An author who doesn't recognise this plain fact and isn't philosophical about the whole business is in for a rough time of it.
Even if monkeycoyote did want feedback, in withdrawing the work in the face of negative responses, he has proved that he had no faith in it. Rather than defending it against all comers he has validated our opinion of its inferiority. I stand by my opinion that the thing was lazily written, cliched and, therefore, tedious. Constructive criticism can do no good if the whole edifice needs to be torn down and rebuilt from scratch.
I think that you are quite right, Mayu, that we shouldn't be too hard on pieces of work that are obviously labours of love, on which people have spent time and effort. Normally, I would not be negative in reviewing or giving feedback on a story. I know how much effort can go into the writing of a story, and, usually there is at least something I can honestly say I enjoy in every piece I come across. "The Phone Call", however, was obviously a hasty, shoddy work that was probably knocked off in not more than quarter of an hour. The author hadn't even attempted a cursory proofread and elementary spelling mistakes and word errors abounded. This shows an evident contempt for those whom he is asking to criticise his work. If he can't even be bothered to read it through properly himself, why should we spend any time or effort on finding nice things to say about it?
I hold that one should always balance positive and negative comments in reviewing a story, but, in this instance, I felt that there was no redeeming quality whatsoever in the work. Hence my broadside of a parody. Which, I think, does serve as a legitimate critique in that it highlights the spelling errors ('bearly' instead of 'barely') and distracting wrong words ('month' for 'mouth') as well as the cliches and problems inherent to writing in txt msg spk.
Instead of acting like a piquant adolescent shouting (again in 'yoof' code)
monkeycoyote said:
monkeycoyote could have exercised his right of reply, articulating his (perhaps reasonable) position that most people are not fussed about spelling and grammar in erotica, and are, in fact, turned off by commas and intimidated by words correctly spelled and written out in full. "Down with the intelligentsia! Up with the masses! Punctuation is a weapon for the use of the bourgeoisie against the proletariat!" he could have cried, becoming a working-class hero and the figurehead for those who believe that the production of erotica should not be merely the preserve of those who graduated from high school and that the strictures of this site are too tough. His slogans and populist rage might have made me feel distinctly uncomfortable in my smug, university-educated elitism. But he didn't engage in debate, nor did he defend his Hunter S Thompson gonzo erotica. He just flounced off in a huff.
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