The other half of your heartbeat

[EJFan]

i recently reconnected with my best friend ever (who happens to be of the opposite sex). we've had an 18 year relationship that can best be described as will & grace-ish (except i'm not gay)... a couple of neurotic, codependent people who are dangerously necessary to one another. she really is the other half of my heartbeat and i love her like a sister (unless and until she becomes single again... then the sister concept is out the window ).

we have a sexual history and we've dated in the past... but she's married now and i'm single. so i'm wondering a couple of things:

1. is it possible to have a strong relationship between two people of opposite sex when one is married? is it reasonable to expect her husband to accept that situation?

2. (out of the context of this situation) who, other than your SO is the other half of your heartbeat... who best completes you? what has your relationship been like? can you imagine going through life without that person?

 

[M's girl]

1. is it possible to have a strong relationship between two people of opposite sex when one is married? is it reasonable to expect her husband to accept that situation?

2. (out of the context of this situation) who, other than your SO is the other half of your heartbeat... who best completes you? what has your relationship been like? can you imagine going through life without that person?

1.
Yes, I think that is and should be possible, but..... it must be comfortable for all parties at all times. In your case, you even had a (sexual) relationship with her at one time, although long ago. You say you recently reconnected, so how long has it been since you last saw her? Has she gotten married in the meantime or was she already (to this man) when you last were in contact before? Those things all make a difference. If you three always knew each other, her husband should be better at establishing for himself what it is between you and his wife. I think it can work. But if the husband is not a 100% okay with it, you are going to be in trouble at one point sooner or later. Does not even have to have something to do with you per se, but if their relationship starts to show cracks in the otherwise smooth pavement, he will look at you..... probably.

2.
I don't think I can say there is anyone besides my current partner. I would not mind if there was one but no (other) friend of mine (or relative, for that matter) is thát close. But I do have a few very dear friends who mean the world to me.

 

[EJFan]

You say you recently reconnected, so how long has it been since you last saw her? Has she gotten married in the meantime or was she already (to this man) when you last were in contact before?

we had no contact for around five years. the last time i spoke with her was roughly when she got engaged. i hadn't met him until early november but was friends (and in contact) with her while they were dating.

she contacted me out of the blue one night in october (which i think i posted about in WFMS or somewhere). it was a total surprise to hear from her and it was impressive that she made the effort to track me down... i tried to track her down as well but with a new last name it was difficult. since we reconnected we've talked and spent time together regularly. i haven't spent a lot of time with her husband but we haven't hidden anything from him... he knows who i am, what our history is and such.

 

[M's girl]

The big question now of course is: what does he think about this? Is he okay with it? Do you know how he feels or do you just assume it's okay because he doesn't say anything?

If a strong friendship is really all you want from her and if you have no romantic motives it may be wise to sit him (the husband) down one day and tell him that. Doesn't have to be all that serious but just let him know he does not have to fear your friendship.

I would say you would have to respect his wishes up to a certain degree if he would have a problem with the intensity of your interaction with his wife. It's also up to her to find a balance and make sure her husband knows what it is that she has with you. Besides; she knows him best (or she should) so I bet she knows already if he's fine with this situation or not.

 

[EJFan]

thanks for all your insight MG. you're absolutely right on all counts i believe. knowing her as i do, however, she would stand up for our friendship if he was uncomfortable with it. i don't know if it's RIGHT of her to do it or not but i'm confident she would tell him that she and i are best friends and he just has to accept that. i don't know that that's the best way for her to approach it but she's that strong in her convictions when she's forced on something.

in the past we've both made our SO's aware that our best friend is of the opposite sex and that we'd never sacrifice our relationship. her being married makes the stakes a little higher than when we were in simple "dating" relationships.

now that we've reconnected i just can't imagine going through life without her... and i'm certain she feels the same way. we've promised one another that we'll never part ways again (inasmuch as that promise can be made and upheld of course). it actually scares me to think of the possibility that we'd have to give up on each other if he couldn't live with it... we don't want to lose one another again.

we will always have a "more than friend" attraction between us but we've always been able to turn that off if we had to. the whole thing is very odd.

 

[M's girl]

A difficult position to be in, I can imagine.

For the most part I agree that the two of you should be able to have a friendship and people certainly can connect with more than one person on a very intimate level. I'm not sure, I must confess, if I would applaud a friendship with the involvement you descibe if it were M and another woman. I'm not that courageous I'm afraid...

I would have, for instance, liked it much better if M and his ex would have sustained some kind of friendship for the sake of the children.
I see other devorced couples around me do it and it can work. But they cannot do it and are at each others throats more or less (he tried to be civil but she is the typical evil ex, bladiebla)... And still, secretly, in the back of my mind .....? .... I like this better than the friendship-scenario. Yep, I'm probably not confident enough and all that. But it just feels safer for me this way. Still, if it were different I would not stand in the way because this situation is stressful for M, me, the children and his ex (thought we don't care too much about her anymore at this point )

Now, with you, there are no children involved. There is no ex-marriage and all that, but still, as you see, the memory and involvement can be as strong. Frankly, the way you talk about this here (and I don't know you well, of course) leads me to believe that, at least on your side, this is much more than a strong friendship and memories... I just hope you are careful, because things like this can spin out of control real fast and unless she is ready to leave her marriage, you will probably the one that will be left empty handed in the end. He will force her to make a choice if he does not feel safe about the two of you and you all will get hurt.

Of course, he could be very easy going and he could trust her far better than he maybe should and things could work out fine like that. But I bet your feelings for her will only grow stronger the more you interact with her... Hope everything works out the way you want it to.... I really do.

 

[bobsgirl]

1. is it possible to have a strong relationship between two people of opposite sex when one is married? is it reasonable to expect her husband to accept that situation?

2. (out of the context of this situation) who, other than your SO is the other half of your heartbeat... who best completes you? what has your relationship been like? can you imagine going through life without that person?

1. I think it's very possible.

2. No one does, at the moment. I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to answer this.

 

[EJFan]

...leads me to believe that, at least on your side, this is much more than a strong friendship and memories... I just hope you are careful, because things like this can spin out of control real fast and unless she is ready to leave her marriage, you will probably the one that will be left empty handed in the end. He will force her to make a choice if he does not feel safe about the two of you and you all will get hurt.

Of course, he could be very easy going and he could trust her far better than he maybe should and things could work out fine like that. But I bet your feelings for her will only grow stronger the more you interact with her... Hope everything works out the way you want it to.... I really do.

there IS much more (for both of us) than a strong friendship. i'd be lying if i didn't acknowledge that. i think it's the strong past and special connection that really makes us so necessary to one another. and, yes, i'm the one who would wind up empty handed if she HAD to make a choice. i can't fault her for making a prudent, rational decision and there's nothing i can say or do that would trump the institution of marriage.

the interesting thing is that before we dated and began a physical relationship she knew i had feelings for her. when we began dating the only thing that really changed was the physical aspect of it. then, when we broke up, that physical part just went away. we were friends for about 8 years, dated for between a year and a half and two years (i can't really remember), then reverted to our friendship for about 3 years. after that she pissed me off and i pushed her out of my life. it was a stressful time for me and i let my emotions run amuck.

what little insight i have on his personality, based on my interaction with him and what she's told me, i think he'd be pretty flexible... or at least i'm hoping he will be. he doesn't have a super-strong personality. he's not dominating in any way at all. i don't know if he'd be comfortable or HAPPY about it but i suspect he'd live with it if he had to. again, i don't know if it's the best way to accomplish things but she would almost certainly tell him that if he wanted to stay married to her that he'd have to accept our relationship. i don't think he'd challenge her on it... he might discuss it and he'd surely take some time to adapt but i don't think he'd deflect it and say SHE had to choose between him and me. he's a great guy in his own way and i don't want to prevent them from having a happy, healthy marriage but i don't believe either of us could let the other go again.

 

[EJFan]

2. No one does, at the moment. I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to answer this.

(((((BG)))))

it's ok bg... those moments suck but they always pass.

 

[shy slave]

1. yes I think its possible, but it does depend on her husband and how he views the relationship.

2. My sons were the other half of me. When my eldest son died a part of me became lost, another part stands empty.. It is not a place a want or expect anyone to fill. He was unique.

 

[EJFan]

2. My sons were the other half of me. When my eldest son died a part of me became lost, another part stands empty.. It is not a place a want or expect anyone to fill. He was unique.

i understand how you don't want or expect anyone to fill this space... i DO, however, hope that you find someone who can make their own, unique space (if you haven't already).

 

[shy slave]

i understand how you don't want or expect anyone to fill this space... i DO, however, hope that you find someone who can make their own, unique space (if you haven't already).

I have a wonderful man who understands grief from a personal point of view.
He posts on Lit under the name of Andante.

We are in an LDR (he is in Denmark and I am the UK), we manage to see each other regularly, if only for short periods of time. One day I will move there, but not yet.

He has been a Godsend during the past 16 months since my son died (we had known each other 6 months when it happened).

My sons death was an accident and very unexpected. Andante booked his flight and was beside me just 22 hours after I headed off to identify my sons body.
My sons father did not do that, nor did my ex husband who was a major part of my sons younger years.

However difficult LDR may be, I would rather have Andante and this complicated relationship, than any other man.

He doesn't fill the area of my heart that is now vacant, he does however, fulfil me.

 

[shy slave]

EJFan, I hope this situation with you and your friend works out.
If it doesn't then at least know you had a chance to re-meet with her, have fun and remember wonderful times past.

Let us know how it works out for you both xx

 

[EJFan]

EJFan, I hope this situation with you and your friend works out.

thank you... i'm relatively certain things will be fine. i'm trying to get an idea of what is generally accepted protocol and insight for opposite sex friendships outside of a marriage. also, i was very interested to see if anyone else had a non-SO person in their lives who was as every bit as close as an SO would be.

i wish you the best as well. i can't begin to fathom how that feels but you have a wonderful partner it seems and that's the most important thing.

 

[EJFan]

i spoke with my friend tonight and she assures me that our friendship isn't in any jeopardy. i know i'm not going to be having christmas dinner with them any time in the near future but i'm also not going to be a nasty little secret. her husband is a little reluctant about how close we might be in person but i suspect that'll fade over time... meanwhile i have every reason to believe we're together forever.

to get things back on track, i'm anxiously waiting to hear from other litsters who have very close, non-sexual, SO-like relationships with people other than their SO... as well as any further opinions on this "friends with an opposite sex person while married" type of thing.