The Nice Guy

[Trombonus]

If I may make an observation . . . you did state that you fall quickly for girls because you are lonely, which (I'm not meaning this to sound harsh) can come across as desperation. You also said that you're too shy around women, which can come across as being a pushover. That's not saying that you are, but that you might be presenting yourself that way.

Have you ever heard of the phrase "fake it till you make it?" Perhaps you should try that, where confidence is concerned. IMO, confidence is one of the sexiest attributes that a person can have and if you come off as confident and independent (even though you may feel lonely and shy on the inside), you may just start to feel that way. *shrugs* It's worth a shot, anyway.

Well, yes I can be shy around women, but just when it comes to asking them out. I can strike up conversation, and flirt with them well enough, just taking that next step and moving past friends into dating is the part I've never been able to do. I may fall for girls easily, but the vast majority of them never know. I guess I didn't explain that well enough, I mean I know my own feelings and faults, and if I were telling my friends they'd know exactly what I mean, but I guess I forget that you guys know scant little about me, if anything at all.

P.S.: You didn't sound harsh.

P.P.S.: I never intended this thread to be all about me, feel free to talk about something other than me too.

 

[Trombonus]

They don't bite, unless it is recreational.


Fear of rejection, maybe?

There's a lot of strategies for getting past that. Getting a sales job for one. The most single minded skirt chasing I've ever seen done was by salesman. They are immune to rejection.

I'm being lighthearted there, but finding the right person is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you will meet the right person (or someone to at least share your life and bed for short, interesting periods of time).

If I were 20 again, I'd DO more things. Get into various sports, travel, take classes, join clubs, go out for causes (where better to meet passionate women then where they are doing something they are passionate about).

And don't worry about rejection. Here's a truth no one ever thinks about. Assuming we all marry just once, we therefore reject and are rejected by every single person we are interested in, or is interested in us, except for one.

Yeah I'd say that's fairly accurate. I hadn't ever asked a girl out until this past Valentines day. I was so close to her, and we have a fantastic relationship, so it was easier with her, but still very hard. I agonized over it for a long time before going through it. It was a big step for me, and I think it'll be easier next time now that I know what it's like. What happened? Turns out she was seeing another guy at the time. I definately want to get out and do more things, but there's not exactly a lot to do around here. Mostly people just hang out at each other's apartment, and you have to be invited to do that. Ah well.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

You know I respect you, Trom, so don't take this wrong. But who defines "nice"? At the risk of being Socratic (is that a vice these days, not that I care), I have to determine your definition. I know that I never shared my mother's definition of "nice": a prudish religious zealot.

 

[Guest]

I definately want to get out and do more things, but there's not exactly a lot to do around here. Mostly people just hang out at each other's apartment, and you have to be invited to do that. Ah well.

Invite people to yours.

And, you'll be flabergasted to read this here on Lit, what about Church organizations? Many have adult singles groups. Yes, you're not likely to meet the girl that will give you a BJ on the first date (but you never know), but you'll get practice interacting with women you've just met.

When you start student teaching (I read your profile), there might be single Mom's. What grades will you be teaching?

 

[Trombonus]

You know I respect you, Trom, so don't take this wrong. But who defines "nice"? At the risk of being Socratic (is that a vice these days, not that I care), I have to determine your definition. I know that I never shared my mother's definition of "nice": a prudish religious zealot.

That's a good question. I guess it's different for everyone. That's kind of another thing I wanted to know from this thread. What do you consider to be a "nice" guy?

 

[Trombonus]

Invite people to yours.

And, you'll be flabergasted to read this here on Lit, what about Church organizations? Many have adult singles groups. Yes, you're not likely to meet the girl that will give you a BJ on the first date (but you never know), but you'll get practice interacting with women you've just met.

When you start student teaching (I read your profile), there might be single Mom's. What grades will you be teaching?

Ok, I'm going to sound like a defeatist, but here we go.

I don't believe in organized religion. I'm not against those who do, some of my best friends are devout christians and catholics, but it's just not something I can get involved with. Second I currently live with my grandparents while at school (why? because it's free and I seem incapable of finding a roommate who doesn't back out on me at the last minute). When I start student teaching a year from now I'll be starting off with elementary school, and then move on to high school. I actually went to a speed dating session once, but when I got there there were five people there and four of them were guys. >.<

 

[AppleBiter]

Ok, I'm going to sound like a defeatist, but here we go.

I don't believe in organized religion. I'm not against those who do, some of my best friends are devout christians and catholics, but it's just not something I can get involved with. Second I currently live with my grandparents while at school (why? because it's free and I seem incapable of finding a roommate who doesn't back out on me at the last minute). When I start student teaching a year from now I'll be starting off with elementary school, and then move on to high school. I actually went to a speed dating session once, but when I got there there were five people there and four of them were guys. >.<

Erm, have you tried an online dating service?

 

[Guest]

Ok, I'm going to sound like a defeatist, but here we go.

I don't believe in organized religion. I'm not against those who do, some of my best friends are devout christians and catholics, but it's just not something I can get involved with. Second I currently live with my grandparents while at school (why? because it's free and I seem incapable of finding a roommate who doesn't back out on me at the last minute). When I start student teaching a year from now I'll be starting off with elementary school, and then move on to high school. I actually went to a speed dating session once, but when I got there there were five people there and four of them were guys. >.<

When they asked Willy Sutton why he robbed banks, he said "Its where the money is."

I'm not talking about attending for the religion. Its where the girls are. But if you're not comfortable, then don't.

In this day & age, you will meet women your age, even younger, as mother's of first & second graders Many will be single.

And when you get to High School grades...well

Joking - I know you'll be professional. (Although a friend of mine has been married to one of our teachers for going on 30 years!)

Just keep trying, is the best advice I can give.

 

[Trombonus]

Ok, I was afraid this might happen. This thread is very quickly becomming solely about me and my problems. That was not the point of this thread, and while I love all the comments and support I'm getting from you guys, I would like to hear more of your experiences with people you know, or yourselves even.

I love you guys by the way. It always amazes me how supportive and caring people can be to someone they hardly know. Thanks!

 

[Trombonus]

When they asked Willy Sutton why he robbed banks, he said "Its where the money is."

I'm not talking about attending for the religion. Its where the girls are. But if you're not comfortable, then don't.

In this day & age, you will meet women your age, even younger, as mother's of first & second graders Many will be single.

And when you get to High School grades...well

Joking - I know you'll be professional. (Although a friend of mine has been married to one of our teachers for going on 30 years!)

Just keep trying, is the best advice I can give.

That's a good point. I have to admit that I was always amazed at my friend, who I'll call J. He's a VERY religious guy, but he always had the most beautiful, friendly and caring gf's. He'd tell us he met tham at church, and I have to be honest, I was tempted to go. >.< But is it ethical to go to church solely because you're trying to meet girls there? Still, you might be right. I'm not worried though. I know I'm a good guy, and I consider myself to be attractive (at least most people seem to think so), so I know something will happen for me someday. I'm actually happy at the moment with the place I am. I used to be desperate though. Didn't like who I was back then, but once I realized that having a gf wasn't as important as I was making it out to be, I felt better, and I'm much happier these days.

 

[Guest]

Ok, I was afraid this might happen. This thread is very quickly becomming solely about me and my problems. That was not the point of this thread, and while I love all the comments and support I'm getting from you guys, I would like to hear more of your experiences with people you know, or yourselves even.

I love you guys by the way. It always amazes me how supportive and caring people can be to someone they hardly know. Thanks!

Sorry. I am guilty of doing some of that.

A sunday paper I read once had a whole series of articles on the biological imperative of choosing a mate. I wish I'd kept it.

I don't rmember a lot of it, but a few things stood out.

Women have different biological things they look for in a lifelong mate/chld rearer, then they do in extra marital flings.

Men look things in a woman whether as a mate or a fling (looks mainly).

What men regard as beauty, generally translates into being able to bear children well.

And women who cheat on their husbands, often do it at their most fertile time of the month, creating a biological imperative called sperm competition. With the sperm of two men inside her, they will compete to impregnate her and the stronger will win,creating the stronger baby.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Sorry. I am guilty of doing some of that.

A sunday paper I read once had a whole series of articles on the biological imperative of choosing a mate. I wish I'd kept it.

I don't rmember a lot of it, but a few things stood out.

Women have different biological things they look for in a lifelong mate/chld rearer, then they do in extra marital flings.

Men look things in a woman whether as a mate or a fling (looks mainly).

What men regard as beauty, generally translates into being able to bear children well.

And women who cheat on their husbands, often do it at their most fertile time of the month, creating a biological imperative called sperm competition. With the sperm of two men inside her, they will compete to impregnate her and the stronger will win,creating the stronger baby.

If they're going to do that, why not just open up the marriage. Hubby should have his fun too, should get to know if other men have fucked her, and then there won't be issues? I for one don't care to be tricked into unknowingly raising another man's child, or having a double standard imposed on me.

 

[tanyachrs]

taking that next step and moving past friends into dating

Don't be friends until you've decided not to date. There's an initial attraction window. If you miss it and become buddies, it's a long road back to sexual attraction.

 

[Trombonus]

Don't be friends until you've decided not to date. There's an initial attraction window. If you miss it and become buddies, it's a long road back to sexual attraction.

Tell me about it. Of course everyone has always told me to be friends first. Sure is confusing...

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Don't be friends until you've decided not to date. There's an initial attraction window. If you miss it and become buddies, it's a long road back to sexual attraction.

Sorry, but that never made sense to me. Probably never will. I'd rather fuck a friend than a stranger.

 

[Tzara]

Don't be friends until you've decided not to date. There's an initial attraction window. If you miss it and become buddies, it's a long road back to sexual attraction.

My experience has been the exact opposite of that.

 

[AppleBiter]

Don't be friends until you've decided not to date. There's an initial attraction window. If you miss it and become buddies, it's a long road back to sexual attraction.

Hrmm. I'd say yes and no. That's a difficult one to throw a hard-and-fast rule at. Sometimes, if you're friends first, that's how a passion for each other develops. My husband and I were friends first, for example, but not for very long at all before it developed into something more.

Then again, I've seen people get trapped in the friend zone because one of them says, "I don't want to ruin our friendship."

It's hard to say.

 

[S-Des]

I'm attracted to people who seem well-balanced and centered. Yet time and time again I run into men who need to "save" someone in order to feel important or needed. Either that or they're sadists who enjoy the pain of being walked on, dumped on, pushed around, led around by their testicles, or generally demeaned as human beings.

Here's what I require: A spine, a sense of humor, a smidgen of humanity, and a dash of humility, and for God's sake please don't be intimidated by a woman like me.

I need intellectual intercourse. I need someone else to catch this drift.*

Well balanced.................Check
Spine..............................Check
Humor.............................Check
Humanity.........................Check
Intellectual Intercourse...Check
Intimidated.........Well....Um......I.....Fuck it....Check!

McKenna, did I mention I love your pics

 

[Guest]

Well balanced.................Check
Spine..............................Check
Humor.............................Check
Humanity.........................Check
Intellectual Intercourse...Check
Intimidated.........Well....Um......I.....Fuck it....Check!

McKenna, did I mention I love your pics

Damn musicians always get the best chicks!

 

[Tzara]

Ok, this was kind of brought up in another thread, so I thought it might be interesting to talk about. What do you think about the "nice guy." Are they overlooked too often? Are they undesirable by women? Do women secretly fear them? Anyone sick of being the "nice guy"? What's the deal?

I think most guys are "nice guys". I certainly think of myself as one. Most of us are sometimes jerks, as well.

Part of the problem is that "nice" in this context usually means "timid" or "clingy", neither of which are particularly attractive to women.

As others have said, confidence helps. Sometimes hard to come by, though.

 

[Trombonus]

Damn musicians always get the best chicks!

That's debatable. Have you met my exes?

 

[Guest]

If they're going to do that, why not just open up the marriage. Hubby should have his fun too, should get to know if other men have fucked her, and then there won't be issues? I for one don't care to be tricked into unknowingly raising another man's child, or having a double standard imposed on me.

As I recall, it wasn't something the woman did on purpose, or even realize she was doing at all. It was a biological drive.

 

[Guest]

That's debatable. Have you met my exes?

OK, lead guitar and lead singing musicans get the best chicks.

It might be the trombone that's the issue. I've never seen Mick Jagger with a trombone.

 

[Trombonus]

OK, lead guitar and lead singing musicans get the best chicks.

It might be the trombone that's the issue. I've never seen Mick Jagger with a trombone.

Not sexy enough huh, but think of all the sexual inuendos you could use.

 

[rgraham666]

Don't bother with the on line dating idea.

My experience has been I find very few that I find worth the effort of contacting, and even fewer are interested in contacting me.

Since February I've had three 'meet for coffees' and that's it. Haven't had a nibble in over two months.