The lifestyle vs. porn/erotica/media

[horny_giraffe]

I've never used costumes, or handcuffs, or toys, or any apparatus. I've never needed safe words and I can't say I'm familiar with "the lifestyle." Heck, considering that I'm not currently sexually active, the question is perhaps hypothetical at this point.

The thing is, I've noticed that domination/submission seems to be kind of connected to pain and/or humiliation--at least in most pornography that I've seen or read. Both pain and humiliation kind of turn me off, though.

I guess the scenario I'd get off on would be one where I played a sort of fatherly kidnapper--kind, but manipulative (and of course with the most sordid of intentions.) A forceful seducer, but not a rapist, exactly.

Although I wouldn't say no to having sex with a tied-up woman.

Which is another thing I never understood. It seems like the media and arts present this image of bondage where people like to be tied up--not as foreplay, but an end in itself--does this make sense to anyone, or is this just media strangeness?

For those of you who might have experienced sex with domination/submission elements--what is your feeling about this? Are there certain elements that seem to be inevitable part of the story or sexual experience? Do you think that particular kinks are necessarily related--in particular, I'm thinking of domination/submission paired with sadism/masochism--for one thing.

'cause I'm thinking I'd like to dominate, but I'm a little unsettled with the idea of sadism. Giving or recieving pain is not really my thing--I don't think...

In a way, I just found myself adapting to the particular specialties of my last partner. (I.E. I was never much into breasts into she started moaning when I touched them. It turned me on because it turned her on--and so the cycle begins.) So I guess I could become sadistic if it really did the job...well, maybe not.

So perhaps these things just need to be worked out as the situation merits. But I do like to start these things with a clear head--because, you know, I'm can't think too well when my head is swimming with the lust of the moment.

 

[artful]

Horny

For those of you who might have experienced sex with domination/submission elements--what is your feeling about this? Are there certain elements that seem to be inevitable part of the story or sexual experience? Do you think that particular kinks are necessarily related--in particular, I'm thinking of domination/submission paired with sadism/masochism--for one thing.

'cause I'm thinking I'd like to dominate, but I'm a little unsettled with the idea of sadism. Giving or recieving pain is not really my thing--I don't think...

I won't attemp to address all the issues put forth, I am not qualified,...but others ARE,...and if you bump your thread to the TOP everyday, some will post and exchange their views.

Domination and submission is my *THING*. While I don't classify myself as a Sadist, I DO administer pain to my sub in ways that are *EROTIC* to her.

SOMETIMES it's when she expects it,...and sometimes not. For *ME*,...the issue is CONTROL.
I like to do what I do,...when *I* want to do it.

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[MsWorthy]

I am not certain what you are asking, HG, so I will just respond to your post.

I've never used costumes, or handcuffs, or toys, or any apparatus. I've never needed safe words and I can't say I'm familiar with "the lifestyle." Heck, considering that I'm not currently sexually active, the question is perhaps hypothetical at this point.

The thing is, I've noticed that domination/submission seems to be kind of connected to pain and/or humiliation--at least in most pornography that I've seen or read. Both pain and humiliation kind of turn me off, though.

There are three playstyles (and one lifestyle, d/s) incorporated in bdsm, HG (I don't want to call you horny or giraffe...lol...so I have shortened your id).

B/D - which is tying/binding your partner and discipline, spanking play/light "punishment"

D/S - one partner makes the decision/controls the other partner (this can only in the sexual arena or in a lifestyle)

S/M - pain (this can include mental pain like humiliation) is used for the sexual gratification of each partner.

These often overlap in relationships/sexual encounters, but they certainly don't have to. You can choose any you like and leave the rest (we all do this to some extent, you will not find anyone who likes everything). There are many here who have no interest in S/M, so you are in good company. *smiles*

I guess the scenario I'd get off on would be one where I played a sort of fatherly kidnapper--kind, but manipulative (and of course with the most sordid of intentions.) A forceful seducer, but not a rapist, exactly.

I actually have a fantasy very similar to this (I must remember to post it in the fantasy thread). This *counts* in bdsm.

Although I wouldn't say no to having sex with a tied-up woman.

Which is another thing I never understood. It seems like the media and arts present this image of bondage where people like to be tied up--not as foreplay, but an end in itself--does this make sense to anyone, or is this just media strangeness?

You can use bondage as foreplay, as the main attraction, or as play punishment at the end of a scene. It is all good.

For those of you who might have experienced sex with domination/submission elements--what is your feeling about this? Are there certain elements that seem to be inevitable part of the story or sexual experience? Do you think that particular kinks are necessarily related--in particular, I'm thinking of domination/submission paired with sadism/masochism--for one thing.

'cause I'm thinking I'd like to dominate, but I'm a little unsettled with the idea of sadism. Giving or recieving pain is not really my thing--I don't think...

No, I don't think any are necessarily related, it is all in what you like, HG. We come in all flavors.

In a way, I just found myself adapting to the particular specialties of my last partner. (I.E. I was never much into breasts into she started moaning when I touched them. It turned me on because it turned her on--and so the cycle begins.) So I guess I could become sadistic if it really did the job...well, maybe not.

This sounds like one quality of a good lover. It can certainly be incorporated into your style of bdsm.

So perhaps these things just need to be worked out as the situation merits. But I do like to start these things with a clear head--because, you know, I'm can't think too well when my head is swimming with the lust of the moment.

This certainly makes sense. I like to have a game plan and know where I am headed so I am clear on what direction I want to go in.

~hope that helped~

 

[horny_giraffe]

Well, I guess that I'm really enquiring about the emotional aspects.

From what I've heard so far, it appears that people can vary pretty far from the median in their view, however. Evidently, there may not be any real statistical norm in the way one reacts, psychologically speaking.

I know that when I first had sex, I was rather surprised at the many of the emotional elements that I encountered: the unsettling element of exhibition (unlike masturbation, in which you are alone,) the strange disconnected euphoria of afterglow (also very different from the basic physical relief of masturbation,) and the strange sense of physical unity (her body becomes my body--probably has something to do with the subliminal effect of intermingling of body scents.)

Emotional aspects of sex were something that I'd always seen as mostly a social projection, much as high-schooler's overglamorize "The Prom" (which never had any significance for me.) While I may also be projecting my own emotions on to my sexual experiences, I still think they significant as a phenomena because of their consistency from one session to the next.

As for BDSM, I have heard that is common in Domination/Submission to "stretch" a scene a little into slightly uncomfortable territory, because part of the thrill is in pushing boundaries. But wouldn't that make "safe words" kind of difficult to utilize? When siblings fight, and mom orders them to stop, it's tempting for them to try and get that one last jibe in, to dominate. I imagine the emotional aspect of a safe word could end up being similar, with one last dominating act beyond the word. I remember one time when my girlfriend at the time said "no" to sex, and I couldn't shake the subtle notion that she was a little dissapointed that I stopped. In that sense, I actually felt a little sadistic in sticking to what she said (rather than what I thought she felt--or what I projected on her.)

I'm not interested in graphic physical detail, which I honestly couldn't give a rip about. Not the "rules" as one imagines them, which seem counter-productive to me when I'm already a pretty socially and sometimes sexually inhibited person. The emotional aspects of potential bdsm are what really interest me--personal experiences.

I remember one of the most valuable things that I learned from a sociology professor is the idea of lifestyle anticipation. The idea is that I can expect that my life will probably play out like most people's lives: I'll probably get older, get common diseases, want or need many of the same things as other people. To believe that I am an exception to the norm is probably a mistake.

Similarly, if I was to participate in certain varieties of sex, I can imagine that my lifestyle and sexual experiences are likely to conform to statistical likelyhoods. I suppose that that's also what I'm after. In this respect, the information about playstyles is somewhat useful.

(Incidently MsWorthy, you can address me in whatever way you prefer. I have no particular attachment to my screen-name, I just thought it was humorous at the time. Also, that fantasy thread sounds interesting.)

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: The lifestyle vs. porn/erotica/media

I am not certain what you are asking, HG, so I will just respond to your post.



There are three playstyles (and one lifestyle, d/s) incorporated in bdsm, HG (I don't want to call you horny or giraffe...lol...so I have shortened your id).

B/D - which is tying/binding your partner and discipline, spanking play/light "punishment"

D/S - one partner makes the decision/controls the other partner (this can only in the sexual arena or in a lifestyle)

S/M - pain (this can include mental pain like humiliation) is used for the sexual gratification of each partner.

These often overlap in relationships/sexual encounters, but they certainly don't have to. You can choose any you like and leave the rest (we all do this to some extent, you will not find anyone who likes everything). There are many here who have no interest in S/M, so you are in good company. *smiles*



I actually have a fantasy very similar to this (I must remember to post it in the fantasy thread). This *counts* in bdsm.



You can use bondage as foreplay, as the main attraction, or as play punishment at the end of a scene. It is all good.



No, I don't think any are necessarily related, it is all in what you like, HG. We come in all flavors.



This sounds like one quality of a good lover. It can certainly be incorporated into your style of bdsm.




This certainly makes sense. I like to have a game plan and know where I am headed so I am clear on what direction I want to go in.

~hope that helped~

MsWorthy, what a wonderful reply to a most complicated post.

Ebony

 

[~Dream~]

H.G.....

Well, I guess that I'm really enquiring about the emotional aspects.

From what I've heard so far, it appears that people can vary pretty far from the median in their view, however. Evidently, there may not be any real statistical norm in the way one reacts, psychologically speaking.

and the strange sense of physical unity (her body becomes my body--probably has something to do with the subliminal effect of intermingling of body scents.)

Emotional aspects of sex were something that I'd always seen as mostly a social projection, much as high-schooler's overglamorize "The Prom" (which never had any significance for me.) While I may also be projecting my own emotions on to my sexual experiences, I still think they significant as a phenomena because of their consistency from one session to the next.

As for BDSM, I have heard that is common in Domination/Submission to "stretch" a scene a little into slightly uncomfortable territory, because part of the thrill is in pushing boundaries. But wouldn't that make "safe words" kind of difficult to utilize?

Hi H.G.and welcome..thank you for this thread .. because of it ,I have come to accept that I do have S/m tendencies which I'm sure that my Master already knew but I guess I have been hesitant to admit to it for fear of being 'judged" I love THE pain He gives to me when HE SPANKS ME ..I crave FOR MORE but..emotional pain is different for me..physical becomes quite pleasurable ..takes me to a whole other realm...being "left alone" is a big Fear I have..emotionally it really frightens me to death..being Bound however by my Master esp cuffed to the chair or put on the spreader bars makes me really FEEL the fact that my body "belongs to HIM"..I have a D/s,S/m relationship then I think? someone please correct me if I am wrong for I am after all,still learning but yes ALOT of emotion is put into this by BOTH Master and myself...] I know He TRULY cares for me as I do for HIM..

 

[SexyChele]

HG, I don't know if I truly understand what point or question you are trying to ask here.

I know that for me, I like elements of D/s - whether that goes outside of the bedroom is negotiable. I don't mind being "controlled" as we go out to dinner or to a party, but I'm not into it all the time.

I am very much into bondage and discipline. I like the feeling of being bound, being controlled. I like being disciplined as well. But for me, these are not things in and of themselves. This would qualify as foreplay for me. If a man were to tie me up, I would be sexually charged. If that's all he did, he better not be around when I was untied, as I'd probably pull a "Lorena Bobbitt" on him!

I am not really into S/M. Now, for me, S/M is truly the Sado-Masochistic stuff. Spankings and such fall under "discipline" in my book. Knife play, beatings (closed fist), breath play, erotic piercings, or any intense pain fall into the category of S/M. And I am not into extreme pain - mental or physical.

I've only had one skin to skin Dom and we never used safe words. Of course, we gradually grew into the relationship together, so he came to know exactly what I could and could not tolerate. Unless you are into extremely heavy play (meaning lots of potential severe pain/injury), you come to a point where you don't need them.

As to the "last jibe" business, well, if a sub has called "red" and her Dom gives it one last "push", he could injure her seriously. "Red" words mean "stop right NOW 'cause what you are doing is truly more than I can tolerate!" Now, that might be something the sub is feeling mentally, but if the pain is physical and she is truly saying, "STOP", then a final "push" may end up with a trip to the emergency room. Also, not to mention the loss of trust between sub and Dom if he has pointedly ignored her request to stop. In that way, a Dom must absolutely be in control of himself at all times. If he allows himself to get so wrapped up in a scene that he believes he can push limits the sub does not want pushed, he may find himself without at playmate.

 

[Quint]

I second the confusion. This is a very complex issue you're bringing up, HG, and I really don't know where to begin with the main point.

So I will agree with Chele on the question of safewords. If you and your girlfriend had been in a D/s relationship that involved safewords, her saying "no" could have easily been ignored. "No" is typically not a good safeword because there is playful "no (but maybe yes if you keep doing that)" and there is absolutely serious "NO!!!" "Red" falls under the second category, and any "final word" the Dom/me wants to get in after it's been called would be a serious breach of trust and would hopefully get the Dom/me in jail. Not funny.

As to the rest of your question, I'm just really lost. Do you want to know what I get out of being in a D/s relationship? Or even what I get out of an S&M relationship? Why I want the things I do and why I feel fulfilled and rewarded when I get them? That's the only non-graphically-physical info I can think of that you want. Sound like a good place to start?

 

[horny_giraffe]

That makes sense about the safe word, in that respect. It sounds like it's less a psychological thing in that situation and more a question of awareness. One can't see what's going on up inside someone, but they can feel it--so they know things that their dom doesn't know. They know physical limits that their dom is not aware of.

In fact, my exgf has some spinal problems which I'd always needed to take her word for, (although I never did "a scene" with her) because there a limits to what you can sense through muscle tension, etc. You couldn't second-guess her if she said she was hurting. And of course, you can't afford to mess around with stuff like that.

As far as my questions go, perhaps I'm just exploring the idea of these other kinds of sex, a little. It seems to me that people rarely articulate what they actually feel in these experiences--except to say "I like that." and "I don't like that." That is perfectly valid, but it's not exactly detailed. If I read more of the stories, I can probably extrapolate some of what people are feeling.

If other people are like me (and they usually are) they are probably just going to be a little reticent about talking about their emotions regarding these experiences. It's always easier for me to talk about the physical details of an experience than to talk about the emotional details. Half of the time, I don't know what I'm feeling anyway, so I guess it's a little much to expect that of other people. I'm also thinking that asking people to talk about their innermost feelings might be a little cavalier, anyway.

Thanks for replying, everybody.

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: Re: Re: The lifestyle vs. porn/erotica/media

MsWorthy, what a wonderful reply to a most complicated post.

Ebony

Thank you, Ebony. *smiles*