The Kwisach Haderach is a sex addict

[Yarglenurp]

I am not a fan of writing fan fiction, but I just watched Dune 2 and felt inspired to at least write a parody sketch.

The Spice Melange, or just Spice to anyone of any worth, is found on the desert world of Arrakis. This substance is the key by which the universe lives and dies. Generations of careful genetic manipulation has led to the birth of the Kwisach Haderach, the Lisan Al Gaib, the voice from the outer worlds. Once imbued with Spice, this chosen one shall have the gift of perfect foresight, to see all possible futures and engineer the golden path that shall lead to humanity’s salvation from an otherwise inevitable extinction.

…or so the story goes. What the historians didn’t mention, however, was that the Kwisach Haderach first used his abilities to foresee all possible futures where he fucked all possible people. From the remaining highborn survivors of house Atreides to the cannibalistic pleasure witches of house Harkonnen, he would know how to fuck them all. He could see the golden path to get all of them into the greatest, grandest orgy that the known universe would ever know. And he did not rest there… his foresight carried him further into even deeper, darker perversions. He foresaw a Tleilaxu world of pure carnal sensation and Ixian pleasure machines so dangerous that they were used as weapons. He foresaw himself sampling all the pleasures of all possible futures.

These are the stories of the Emperor’s hidden visions, the untold lecherous futures he foresaw and kept to himself because he didn’t want Chani to find out. These are the recordings of his hidden “meditations.”

(The best part is… no reason it didn’t actually happen)

 

[Carnevil9]

Great idea! I've read Dune several times, because my friends insisted, but I always found it tedious and lifeless. But injecting a little sex (or better yet, a LOT of sex) would certainly make it more interesting!

 

[Rob_Royale]

A unique spin on the "It's good to be the King," idea.

 

[GlennJenko]

Definitely an interesting idea. I'm not much into the orgy aspect though that's personal preference. Having the MC be able to see the future is interesting for both the bigger picture of having visions of what it'd be like to have sex with all those people, but also the smaller picture that within the visions he can be essentially an expert lover given he'll know exactly what would give them the most pleasure.

Also, minor nitpick: it's kwisatz haderach

 

[Yarglenurp]

Definitely an interesting idea. I'm not much into the orgy aspect though that's personal preference. Having the MC be able to see the future is interesting for both the bigger picture of having visions of what it'd be like to have sex with all those people, but also the smaller picture that within the visions he can be essentially an expert lover given he'll know exactly what would give them the most pleasure.

Also, minor nitpick: it's kwisatz haderach

I have failed the god emperor!

 

[GlennJenko]

I have failed the god emperor!

You must not fear, for fear is the mind killer

 

[Carnevil9]

You must not fear, for fear is the mind killer

You just reminded me: the one thing I really didn't like about this latest pair of movies is that they completely left out the Mentats. They were my favorite part of the book and the David Lynch movie. I think a sex story about Mentats in Lust could be very interesting. Or even using them to give sex advice to the main character!

Then again, a scene with a bunch of Bene Gesserit witches having a lesbian orgy while controlling each other with their minds could also be very hot!

 

[GlennJenko]

You just reminded me: the one thing I really didn't like about this latest pair of movies is that they completely left out the Mentats. They were my favorite part of the book and the David Lynch movie. I think a sex story about Mentats in Lust could be very interesting. Or even using them to give sex advice to the main character!

Then again, a scene with a bunch of Bene Gesserit witches having a lesbian orgy while controlling each other with their minds could also be very hot!

While I admit some slight disappointmetn too, I understood why given the focus of the films wasn't really on that part of the universe, though we did see them a little with Thufir in Part One and not mentioned as such but there in the Harkonnen control centre in Part Two.

I think Mentat sex advice would be brilliant ngl. I personally wouldn't want to see a sex scen with them, but as advisors it'd definitely be cool to see. But BG lesbian sex with subtle (consensual) uses of the Voice would be something I think could be very hot indeed.

 

[Yarglenurp]

You just reminded me: the one thing I really didn't like about this latest pair of movies is that they completely left out the Mentats. They were my favorite part of the book and the David Lynch movie. I think a sex story about Mentats in Lust could be very interesting. Or even using them to give sex advice to the main character!

Then again, a scene with a bunch of Bene Gesserit witches having a lesbian orgy while controlling each other with their minds could also be very hot!

I’m more disappointed in the exclusion of the guild navigators and the tleilaxu, arguably the weirdest groups in classic Dune.

 

[TheArsonist]

I’m more disappointed in the exclusion of the guild navigators and the tleilaxu, arguably the weirdest groups in classic Dune.

The reason they're "excluded" is that they don't appear in the book the movies are based on.

 

[Yarglenurp]

The reason they're "excluded" is that they don't appear in the book the movies are based on.

I think the guild navigators were portrayed in the movies, but they don't have any speaking lines. I'll give you the Tleilaxu, they're only mentioned for making twisted mentats. Still would be great to have Piter briefly have flashback to Tleilax just show how fucked up they were.

 

[TheArsonist]

Because you were talking about the "weirdest groups" and that they were excluded from the movies even though we see those guys in space helmets filled with orange gas, I assumed you meant Edric-type navigators, which don't appear in the book (though Lynch inserted his interpretation of them into the 1984 movie).

Since Edric and Scytale are such a major part of Dune Messiah, it seems inevitable that you'll see both Guild Navigators and Tleilaxu in Dune Part 3.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Well, I’m also keeping in mind that the director is willing to take some liberties with the source material, asides from cutting. Like, Chani has way more personality in this movie than she does in the books, and Alia is basically just a plot device for exposition in this version.

But I am no purist. I think these changes actually are better.

 

[FantasySharer1]

Would love to make some changes too:

1. The Bene Gesserit no longer gain powers through a worm's belly juice - but through sucking the KH's cock and swallowing his seed.
2. Being fucked by the KH gives a Bene Gesserit more power, so despite being a society of powerful women, they are at the end, at the sexual service of the KH
3. The great houses all end up submitting their most beautiful women to the KH who takes them as wives, uniting all of the empire.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Would love to make some changes too:

1. The Bene Gesserit no longer gain powers through a worm's belly juice - but through sucking the KH's cock and swallowing his seed.
2. Being fucked by the KH gives a Bene Gesserit more power, so despite being a society of powerful women, they are at the end, at the sexual service of the KH
3. The great houses all end up submitting their most beautiful women to the KH who takes them as wives, uniting all of the empire.

He fucked them all, as was written! Lisan Al Gaib! Only the true messiah can fuck the universe!