The Joys of Parenthood

[Quoll]

Preparation for parenthood...
It's not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a pillowcase filled with beans down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 pm to 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious noise) playing loudly. At 10 pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 am. Put the alarm on for 3 am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3 am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Put the alarm on for 5 am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds, then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton, using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child -- a fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

When you find yourself singing "I Love You" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

 

[bobsgirl]

Heeheehee...
which one of your perfectly adorable children inspired to to post this?


Hi pQ!

 

[JustSkye]

Hahahahahaha! OOOOOooh my tummy! LMAO
(I'm dying )
Been there done that!

Quili, you need to post this on the GB!!!

 

[Quoll]

Heeheehee...
which one of your perfectly adorable children inspired to to post this?


Hi pQ!

Hi BeeG, all of them.

 

[Quoll]

Hahahahahaha! OOOOOooh my tummy! LMAO
(I'm dying )
Been there done that!

Quili, you need to post this on the GB!!!

I couldn't find one that wasn't true.

You may.

 

[australwind]

I am ssssoooooo glad not to have read this before I had mine.

And now I am relieved she is adult.....

 

[emptynester]

The missing chapter

Preparation for parenthood...

Someone once told me when mine were very young to enjoy every moment because one day they would become teenagers and break my heart. Wow, has that ever become a reality on more than one occasion.

You think the tough times are those sleepless nights or nursing them back to health when they are sick. Standing beside their bed in a hospital room after surgery just being thankful they are still alive. Reading story after story wishing they would pick another favorite or singing songs until you have no voice left. Cleaning up those messes and putting away those toys for the umpteenth time.

You raise them to be respectful of others and to know they are loved and cared for more than anything in this world. No matter how good of a job you do, they are going to eventually spread those wings and challenge those great lessons of life you have raised them on.

You try to not take it personally, to not tell them they are always wrong. After all they have to start making decisions on their own at some point and learn from their mistakes.

Now those sleepless nights are because you are walking the floor alone. You are hoping they are alright and making the right choices along the way. You already know they have made some bad ones, but in their mind they are invincible. Nothing can hurt them, they are smarter than that.

I long for those nights when I had control. I could rock them to sleep or just stand by their bedside and watch them breath. I could tell them anything and they would take me at my word. I was mom and that meant something special to them then.

Now all I can do is wait and pray that they make it home safely. Wait for them to get through this time in their lives when they know more than I do because things are supposedly so different now than when I grew up.

Preparation for parenthood left out this chapter. It is, to me, the most difficult part of parenting. Giving them their freedom and letting them spread their wings. Letting them make choices and experience things you would never have thought they would try. Crying yourself to sleep when the fatigue and worry is more than you can stand.

Hang in there my friend says. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. One has made it through to the other side. He is married now and all those worries over him are behind you. He sees how special you are again and just how smart you really were all along.

Oh enjoy those little bundles of joy, Quoll. They are so precious and small. They depend on you now for everything. There will come a day and many a night when you look back and long for those times that seemed would never end. Love them now, hug them and hold them tight because one day you will have to let go, to wait and watch to see if all that you have bestowed upon them has prepared them for life.

Thanks Quoll for allowing me to add that missing chapter. I would not change a thing if I had it to do all over again, but I would have better prepared myself for these times. It seems it is going to be another one of those sleepless nights.

 

[MsWet]

great post, LOL

Preparation for parenthood...
It's not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. I was sooo guilty of doing this before I had kids.

When you find yourself singing "I Love You" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

This is sooo very true. Also, I've found that "The Backyardigans theme song is permanently stuck in my head & I actually enjoy singing it while my son watches it in the car.

 

[somberReality]

Haha. Tell me about it. I have 3 boys.

I was told cleaning with kids is about as successful as cleaning in a hurricane. I believe it.

 

[M's girl]

deleted

 

[emptynester]

They say things are different when they are your own flesh and blood and I guess (no, I am certain) I will never know of course. But somehow I doubt if that is true. I have always 'known' I could and would be very frustrated by, even, my own kids.

I was so born not to have children. Having these two sweeties every other weekend is a joy most of the time, really, but it's also about all I could ever handle I'm afraid....

Sorry M, I was having a really bad night. The youngest and friend are going to be the death of me. We are always taking in strays and had to let one go that we tried to help. My youngest seems to attract those with bad habits. We just get him on track and he takes a detour again.

Raising children, whether they are natural born or not, can be the most gratifying experience of your life. Then there are times when you wonder if their bodies have been taken over by some alien force.

All 3 of my boys were so easy to raise all the way through high school. The oldest did a little exploring but nothing like most. The two youngest have been best friends since birth. They did pretty much everything together. Even getting into trouble. When they started college, that did not change. They moved out together with 2 other guys and all 4 decided it was time to spread their wings.

Three of the 4 are now back home living with us. My middle one has found a new girlfriend and thanks mostly to her, I think he is back on track. The one that doesn't belong to us has been awesome too. It is our youngest (and friend who will not be moving in with us) who have a ways to go.

Children are a blessing. I would not trade the past 23 years for anything. It is just so difficult to raise them and teach them how to treat others, themselves and right from wrong and then see them try things that you know are harmful to their bodies and could be harmful to others if they are behind the wheel of a car. They temporarily turn into someone or something you cannot identify with. They look at you like you have grown two heads.

I remember my husband and I having our first very serious discussion with the four of them after we discovered what they had been doing. My youngest piped up and said, "I don't want you and Dad feeling guilty over this". We both assured him we didn't. We had taught them better and to be smarter than that!

I know "boys will be boys" and they are not always going to be the precious little bundles of joy. I am very aware that they have to try their wings and will and have done things we never did. I do however draw the line with some things and when they cross that line, I don't care how old they are, I am still going to tell them how I feel and why.

My job as parenting will never end. They marry and I still want the best for them. We don't force our ways on them. They are free to decide for themselves but if they ask, I am going to give them my opinion. If they listen fine, if they go another way, they have that choice.

For those still living at home and getting financial support from us through college, it is different. We have rules and this is our home. It is theirs too as long as they can abide by the rules but if they choose to do things that cross over that line, they need to be responsible enough to be able to live out on their own, make those same decisions and still be able to solely support themselves. That was not the case.

They all chose to move home. They were struggling out on their own and didn't have enough to survive on because they were spending too much on those things that we refuse to provide. Part of the deal in their moving home was that those things would not go on here. We are not going to support bad habits and fund their party life and especially not in our home.

So M, I guess I am trying to convince myself that it has all been worth it. I love them dearly and want the best for each one of them. The last year for hubby and I has been the most amazing of our 27 years. I think I am just resentful that as much as I love them, it has been hard letting them all move back in. If they are going to live here, it is by our rules. If they can't live with that, then be responsible and move out on their own. We will always love them not matter what but at this point in time, we really miss being enptynesters.

 

[M's girl]

deleted

 

[emptynester]

Emptynester, you don't have to excuse yourself. I can totally understand those sentiments and you should be able to vent them somewhere.

Thanks M. Lets just hope Quoll feels the same way since I crashed his thread with my pity party.

[/QUOTE]And although I could kill their mother sometimes for being such a bitch about, well, basically everything, I hope she lives forever.[/QUOTE]

Although I am fairly certain she probably wouldn't admit it, I am sure she is wishing you a long and prosperous life. LOL

 

[SimpleGifts]

Preparation for parenthood left out this chapter. It is, to me, the most difficult part of parenting. Giving them their freedom and letting them spread their wings. Letting them make choices and experience things you would never have thought they would try. Crying yourself to sleep when the fatigue and worry is more than you can stand.

Oh man oh man oh man. That is the one thing about parenthood that I absolutely fear the most. My oldest is 10. I am sooooooo not ready for when I have to start letting them go like that...and I see the sand running out of the hourglass so quickly.

Sigh. But thanks for the reminder...four little ones will get extra hugs in the morning.

SG

 

[naamplao]

I too laughed as I read the original post by Quoll with my head nodding like a bobble-head at many points.

My "child" is now 25 in a successful career and he is interesting, challenging and full of positive energy. (parental pride showing here...sorry).

Many thought that I would not make a good father but I fooled them...my secret?? Remembering all the bad experiences between myself and my parents and resolving that I would not repeat the mistakes of my parents on me. I was also lucky that my ex had similar feelings as I did about bringing up a child (his welfare was the only thing that we never argued about).

My parents had no time for me as a child. Never saw me play sports, never attended functions where I performed (school plays), rarely helped with projects like making a soapbox racer and always preached about what I should be doing with my current and future life. This made strong in one sense I suppose but resentful when being told what to do later in my teens.

So I was involved with my son at an early age. I was a traveling industrial salesman and away for the week but on weekends he was all mine as the ex was only too happy for the break.

I miss my little boy but we still get together at least once a week for dinner to talk about our lives. We can talk about anything with a frank exchange of ideas...now that he is older the advice goes two-ways...it is not always taken but we know it is listened to.

I often wonder what it would have been like to raise a girl. I would have liked to try but it was not in the cards because the ex wanted only one child.

Yes, it is difficult to let go of them but then again you know in your heart it is necessary and it doesn't have to be forever. I look forward to the day he gets married (4 years from now according to him) and has children of his own. I'll be that doting grandfather...hahahaha and they will be in my life again.

Sorry for this rather soppy piece on parenthood but it has been one of the best experiences of my life. Everything was not perfect along the way but I worked through the bad spots to a satisfactory ending for the most part.

 

[Nightbird]

Kids are evil..

 

[pleasantville]

My twin 16 year old daughters wnet to their first high school dance. (Flash back to my high school days and the fantasies of dating the identicle twins!) Anyway after the Friday football game one of my daughters "friends" comes up gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Totally not being prepared for this moment in life I scream in a very high picth voice that I am now ready for continued therapy. Luckily after fainting I regain my composure and walk outside. I loove my daughters and know they can be trusted and the boy is a good kid that knows the rules but still nothing prepares for this moment. Good luck to all of you raising your kids.

 

[SimpleGifts]

My twin 16 year old daughters wnet to their first high school dance. (Flash back to my high school days and the fantasies of dating the identicle twins!) Anyway after the Friday football game one of my daughters "friends" comes up gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Totally not being prepared for this moment in life I scream in a very high picth voice that I am now ready for continued therapy. Luckily after fainting I regain my composure and walk outside. I loove my daughters and know they can be trusted and the boy is a good kid that knows the rules but still nothing prepares for this moment. Good luck to all of you raising your kids.

My solutions is...my daughters will not be allowed to date until after they are married. Seems simple enough.



SG

 

[necroerotica]

My solutions is...my daughters will not be allowed to date until after they are married. Seems simple enough.



SG

The first time my daugher brings a date home, I fully intend to be casually cleaning a shotgun at the kitchen table.
Maybe lay a few rocksalt loads out as well.

 

[SimpleGifts]

The first time my daugher brings a date home, I fully intend to be casually cleaning a shotgun at the kitchen table.
Maybe lay a few rocksalt loads out as well.

Since I'm a gun control advocate...I figure I can just sit there and sharpen my axe and it will get the message across.

SG

 

[kajira311]

Not all teenage boys are wild sex crazed heathens

My 14 year old is still too shy to hold his girlfriend's hand.

 

[SimpleGifts]

My 14 year old is still too shy to hold his girlfriend's hand.

Well, I was a painfully shy 14-year-old boy once...but underneath that, I was still a sex-crazed heathen.

I know I'm unfairly stereotyping teenaged boys...just the overprotective papa bear instinct in me. I'll probably mellow by the time she's in high school. Well, maybe I will.

SG

 

[fluttertongue]

Ah, that OP was very funny! Like a poster above said, it confirms my decision not to have kids. Not that I don't respect parents and the job they do. However, I knew that it wasn't for me. But then why is my house such a mess??

 

[Nicodemus79]

I find it interesting that it's easy to compare the pains of adulthood to things to which everyone, parent or not can relate, but that it's absolutely impossible to compare the joys parenthood brings to anything.

There is no way to impart upon those who do not have children the feeling you get when you see them for the first time. There's no way to relate the unbridled joy of seeing the light of recognition in their eyes when they see you and let loose the most beautiful, heart-shattering grin you've ever seen. There's no way to explain to someone who's never had kids why I feel like crying every time my son smiles at me. There's no way to explain why I feel like crying just typing this post. There's no way to explain the way my soul jumps when I hear his laugh, how I feel like doing whatever it takes to keep his laugh going. There's no comparing the pride you feel upon watching your child finally conquer, figure out, or discover something new. There's no way to relate the joy that is felt when your child looks up at you with with those eyes, smiles, puts up his arms, and says, "up?"

There's nothing like the pride of watching them accomplish something they set out to do. There's nothing quite like watching them excel, especially when you know you've had something to do with it. There's nothing like getting that one, fleeting, knowing glance from the teenager that just yesterday told you that you were a moron, if not in so many words. There are sleepless nights when they're keeping you up with their crying, and nights that they're keeping you up while you cry in wait. There's nothing more heartbreaking than when your child just doesn't appreciate all you've done for them. They don't - they can't understand the heartache and worry they cause. They can't because the very thing that makes them so frustrating is the very thing that makes them ignorant of your state... youth.

There are challenges, yes. I NEVER thought I would make a good parent. I didn't even like kids. You couldn't PAY me to hold a child. I wouldn't even hold my own nieces or nephews. They are loud, they are demanding, they are messy, they are smelly, and they are unendingly frustrating. But believe me when I say that now that I have experienced the joys firsthand, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 

[M's girl]

deleted