The Jeffinator's Lounge

[NiteCrowe]

I've also had another for a second thread i'd like to run...

Thus...

QUESTION: Read the following; Would you join? What are your opinions regarding it.

CONCEPT: It's Xavier's birthday and the X-Mansion is full of students old and new, gathered to celebrate the old mans birthday. Then disaster strikes, and the mansion is blown up. Of the few X-men that appear to be alive, they must band together and work as a team to uncover the truth, and discover a conspiracy and betrayal that leads them around not just the world, but the entire galaxy as well.

Original Characters are welcome, as are old favourites, though it would be nice to have a few old/new faces back such as Ying Yang, Onyxx and Revenant. Would also be nice for some old characters, such as Jubilee and Wolverine.

 

[dragonrazor]

meh...starting to think...give up on Xmen I should...

 

[The Jeffinator]

Sound like Yoda, you do.

LOL. Anyway, I need to unhook the net soon so I can take my long cord with me, so I won't be online again until I'm at the Denver airport tomorrow, and then not for some time.

 

[dragonrazor]

bored.....need ideas

 

[I_Am_Lust]

I could play both ladies Nite.

 

[NiteCrowe]

I could play both ladies Nite.

your quite welcome to

I sent you the link lol

 

[I_Am_Lust]

Why thank you, considering they're both my favorites.

 

[NiteCrowe]

Lol, i now just need to decide who i want to use lol.

 

[I_Am_Lust]

*chuckles* Whomever you wish.

 

[The Jeffinator]

Well, the wifi at the Denver airport was being retarded. I made it here safe, though. I'm all set up in my new apartment, and today was my second day at work. I'm sitting in the lobby right now, and since no one can see my screen, I decided to come on Lit just for a sec. Well, I'm off. I'll be getting my net set up in my apartment sometime after September 5th.

 

[I_Am_Lust]

Well, the wifi at the Denver airport was being retarded. I made it here safe, though. I'm all set up in my new apartment, and today was my second day at work. I'm sitting in the lobby right now, and since no one can see my screen, I decided to come on Lit just for a sec. Well, I'm off. I'll be getting my net set up in my apartment sometime after September 5th.

*howls at the injustice of no Jeff til September*

 

[NiteCrowe]

hope all goes well dude

 

[NickisSora]

Jeff god speed i hope all goes well bro

 

[dragonrazor]

We'll be here waiting.

 

[The Jeffinator]

*hugs my Lit Family*

I may have to wait a little longer to get net. See, I still owe $200 from my last time here, so I need to be able to pay that back. But, on the fifth, I also have rent and shit. We'll see. Love you all!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Glad things are working out for you honey, we'll all still be here once you're set up and settled.

Hugs xxx

 

[NiteCrowe]

it'll all go ok jeff.

 

[The Jeffinator]

I know. Thanks. I love you guys and can't wait to be back online for good.

 

[dragonrazor]

I'm having a bit of an issue. I've gotten into three arguments in the last two days over Rick's idiotic refusal to either sell me the old Jeep or customize it so that it's not a gas guzzler (as ALL vehicles are shipped from the factory) So I may end up finding a way to buy an old junker and fix it up to prove he's the idiot he is.

 

[The Jeffinator]

Why do you need to prove he's the idiot he is? Just let it go dude. It's his car, he can do with it what he wants. And no, not ALL vehicles are gas guzzlers. Round here, Four Wheelers are the best, since the new ones get about 40 miles to the gallon. They also have the hybrids, which just use gas to start up the engine, then it is sustained by an electric motor, thus, gas is only used at start up rather than constantly.

Anyway, once I'm back online, I'm thinking of restarting Zelda. I would reengineer the game to fit the few players it had, rather than designed to support tons of players like before. On the light side, we'd just have Link, Zelda, Navi, Darrus, Truxsol, and Rhodus, and any additional chars we create. On the dark side, we could have Ganondorf, his dark queen, maybe a dark prince or princess, and their underlings. Lemme know what you guys think.

 

[dragonrazor]

Why do you need to prove he's the idiot he is? Just let it go dude. It's his car, he can do with it what he wants. And no, not ALL vehicles are gas guzzlers. Round here, Four Wheelers are the best, since the new ones get about 40 miles to the gallon. They also have the hybrids, which just use gas to start up the engine, then it is sustained by an electric motor, thus, gas is only used at start up rather than constantly.

Anyway, once I'm back online, I'm thinking of restarting Zelda. I would reengineer the game to fit the few players it had, rather than designed to support tons of players like before. On the light side, we'd just have Link, Zelda, Navi, Darrus, Truxsol, and Rhodus, and any additional chars we create. On the dark side, we could have Ganondorf, his dark queen, maybe a dark prince or princess, and their underlings. Lemme know what you guys think.

lol...jeff...dude....unless you've modified it yourself or it's a Ford GT (2006/2007 custom car made by a racing enthusiast group), it's a gas guzzler. EVERY car, including "economy" cars, are factory tuned so that they use the worst possible fuel consumption. How do you think they convince people to buy economy cars in the first place? they make them look better than other cars by leaving just enough gas mileage to make you THINK you're getting a better deal.

 

[The Jeffinator]

What I mean is that my stepmom's car, a toyota, gets more miles per gallon than my dad's big van. She can spend less and her gas lasts longer. Her car is NOT a gas guzzler.

 

[dragonrazor]

that's why...Toyota and Honda have the best gas mileage when it comes to stock factory...but it's still far above the consumption of custom spec. the point of aftermarket parts is to improve your cars' performance and appearance

 

[The Jeffinator]

Wow. This paycheck is gonna be like fucking 130 hours or some shit. For two weeks worth of work, lol. Before taxes, I'm looking at between 1100 and 1300, for a single two week paycheck, hehe. Lots of overtime. I've also worked like, fucking, 26 days straight or something. I lost track. Haven't had a single day off since I started on August 8th.

I did find time to write this little amusing piece though. This is the introduction and first chapter of my new comedy science fiction series:


Captain Buck and his Incredibly Incompetent crew of Space Mercenaries

By: J.W. Zagst



WARNING: This story is of an adult nature and wonderfully inappropriate.


Introduction


Welcome to our galaxy. It is run by the Galaxian Federation, an honest political organization -- No, I'm just joshing you. No such thing as an honest politician, right? The year is 6969, and in the last several thousand years, man has traveled beyond the Earth, encountered many forms of alien life, and buried themselves in their own shit too many times to count. Between different species banging each other and mad scientists screwing around with genetics, there are a lot of fucked up people in the galaxy. Take me for example -- I have these huge fucking antlers coming out of my head -- you'd think my mother screwed a deer or something. They first began to appear when I was in high school, and have been a constant pain in my ass ever since.

My name is Cocker Phart Buck -- I know, right? My mom must have been stoned off her scrawny old ass when she named me. Anyway, I’m the captain of my own spaceship, the S.E.X. Scrotumwing. It’s a long, smooth shaft with sphere-shaped propulsion conduits in the rear -- okay, so my ship looks like a huge silver dick, but it was cheap as hell and my sick joke archives get a huge workout anytime we enter a port, hehe. My crew has got to be the most incompetent group of inbred morons in the known universe. They ensure that I am always in need of a few painkillers.

There’s Dillard Spooner, my first mate and best friend. We all call him Spoon because he is always kissing ass -- I mean, it’s like ‘spread the cheeks and grab a spoon’ with this guy. We have Giddy McLaff, our intelligence specialist who greatly resembles a slightly more perverted blue-haired version of Pee-Wee Herman -- go figure, right? Our pilot is Ace Bornady, a charming gentleman who secretly collects anatomically correct bunny dolls -- don’t ask, please.

Perhaps the most bizarre member of my crew, we have Bruno McTuffman, a very tall, muscular, humanoid potato who acts as our main enforcer. However, he has a severe case of untreated Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and has a deep fear of chickens. His uncle on his mother’s side, Kegg Groinder, is a perverted old spud that makes Giddy seem like a Catholic priest -- er, bad example. I mean, a Mormon bishop. Kegg is our cook during long flights and also our weapons expert. Another member of our crew is Suza Bantana. She’s my cousin-slash-half-sister-slash-niece -- her branch of the family is from Alabama, don’t ask. Suza, despite being truly inbred, is extremely intelligent (though still blissfully moronic) and has advanced degrees in medicine and several of the sciences. She acts as our medic and works closely with Giddy, even if they hate each other and are constantly arguing -- Giddy is an animal rights activist and a vegetarian, whereas Suza is a meat-eating, cigarette-smoking, beer-drinking bitch and an avid hunter of small animals like bunnies and squirrels.

Last but not least, we have the Nutt brothers, Jiggy and Buttermilk, and their custom-built robot with a whiny attitude, Jeeves. Jiggy and Buttermilk are the ship’s engineers, and when not helping them in one of labs, Jeeves unwillingly acts as our butler-slash-waiter -- he has no choice but to follow the brothers’ orders, and is often rather pissed about it. Can’t say I blame him, I know I’d hate being bossed around by a pair of scrawny geeks that still play with action figures and have never seen a clitoris up-close.

There are days I’d rather die than live another second with this crew, but, when it comes right down to it..... Uh..... Where was I going with this again? Oh yeah! My crew. Yeah. Well, I can certainly confirm that I am never bored with them around. They have been loyal and true, and... Well, that’s about the only good thing that can be said about them!

We are space mercenaries, and get our missions through my agent at Dirty Work Enterprises, Inc. Usually, my agent is a horny old woman named Silvia, but occasionally she will be replaced with a young, self-absorbed, wannabe male model named Blake. Our missions range from simple tasks to long quests, and although Dirty Work mercenaries usually make a crapload of cash, we barely get enough to make ends meet. Since we’re the worst team in the company, and have teetered on the edge of dismissal on numerous occasions, they don‘t pay us squat, and often only trust us with the jobs no other team wants.

So, there you have it. Our happy little fucked up family. Oh the joy. Oh the pain. Oh the stagnant stench of it all. Come on into our home, enjoy our adventures, and please don’t mind the strong smell of dog shit.









Chapter One



The alarm. That god damned annoying alarm. The harsh beeping pulled me from my sleep, back into my cruel reality. I sat up, careful not to rack my antlers on the headboard. I usually slept in my boxers, and last night had been no exception. Yawning as I did so, I threw the covers aside and walked slowly across my quarters to the bathroom. Since I kept hitting my antlers on the top of the door frame, I had, in a blinding rage, grabbed my blaster rifle and removed that part of the wall rather violently. It had been a much needed release of my pent up tension. Plus, at that point, I hadn't had any nookie in, like, eight months. A pussy-deprived man will inevitably go mad, unless he’s a cocksucker.

I stopped in front of my bathroom mirror, grabbing my laser shaver. As I shaved away my stubble, I looked at my reflection -- I wasn’t a bad looking man. I had dark brown hair that sometimes annoyed me when it hung in front of my eyes, but it was usually combed back and covered with a dark blue cap reading CAPTAIN across the front. My eyes were a light shade of blue, almost silver, and my body was thin and toned. I was rather tall, which also made the whole antler concept that much more of a bitch.

After shaving, I felt that familiar churning sensation in the pit of my stomach, which meant it was time for my morning shit. So, down went my boxers and I gasped as my ass touched the cold toilet seat. You’d think by now they would have invented an affordable toilet seat warmer or something. But, regardless, I had to go. Mother Nature was calling, and I did not want her to leave me a voicemail.

“Captain Buck, where are you?” came Giddy’s voice over the intercom. I reached over to the wall unit, realizing I had dozed off while on the pot.

“Sorry, Giddy,” I said into the speaker. “Mother Nature called and she had a lot to say. Mostly just a lot of shit, though. I’ll be there shortly.”

Ending the transmission, I kicked off my boxers and stepped into the shower. However, as I did so, I shifted my weight wrong, and fell into the shower curtain. It became tangled in my antlers, and the harder I tried to escape, the tighter is seemed to bind me.

“God dammit!” I cursed as I tried frantically to get myself free. All I managed to do was rip down the curtain rod, but eventually, I was free. I restored the curtain, then stepped more carefully into the shower. I bathed myself in mildly hot water, but then the damned bar of soap began to slip around in my hands. The harder I tried to hang on to it, the higher it seemed to get, until finally, it shot up into the air. In my attempt to grab it, I ended up batting it against the side of the shower, where it shot back behind me and then slid across the tub floor towards the drain. I bent forward to reach for it, and then realized one of my antlers was caught on something.

“Damn it...” I tried to wiggle myself back and forth to release the antler, but I soon realized that was a huge mistake -- it was caught on the hot water knob, and I soon felt the temperature rise drastically, the scorching water hitting my back. “AARRRGHHH!!!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!!”

“Captain, you look like hell...” said Giddy as I entered the Bridge of my ship, the S.E.X. Scrotumwing, a half hour later. I was wearing grey pants and a matching vest over a black tee-shirt, along with my favorite cap. It fit nicely between the antlers.

“I took a bath there, too,” I said, crankier than usual. Giddy, despite being older than me, still looked like a young man, and though around six feet tall, his face closely resembled a boy. He had short blue hair that was often combed straight back, and wore colors like blue or purple, always having a bowtie on. He was my intelligence specialist, which meant he took care of all the boring technical mumbo jumbo before, during, and after each mission.

As I proceeded to my captain’s chair, I lazily waved a hand. “Status?”

“Captain, we are currently on course to Chooki Chuu Seven of the Bodderbutt System,” reported my pilot, Ace Bornady. He was the best looking of the bunch, with a handsome face, bright blue eyes, and golden blond hair. “Estimated time of arrival is nineteen hundred hours.”

“So, we still have about ten hours of travel time... Hmmm.” I was silent for a few moments, thinking. Our current mission was to go to Chooki Chuu Seven and aide an old scientist and his wife in recovering a family artifact from a tribe of Buubees, green monkeys that like to horde shiny things. They were known to be terribly vicious, and despite the hefty reward, the other Dirty Work teams refused the mission. Eventually, it fell on us.

Usually, clients would pay Dirty Work directly, who would then keep half and give the other half to the team that completed the mission. In most cases, the teams got the money up front, but this was not so for us. Since we were back in the probationary period for the eleventh time, we had to complete the mission first before we would ever see a single penny. Yes, a penny. American money is the dominant Galaxian currency. USA kicks ass, bitches. You didn’t think it was gonna be Euros, did you? Aww, how cute.

If we somehow managed to complete the mission and stay alive, each crew member would get twenty-seven thousand dollars. Spoon would get a little more, being my first mate, and I would get about seventy-nine thousand, most of which would go for ship repairs that I had put off for many months. Plus, you know, I’m the captain. Of course I’m gonna get more than those other bitches. Duh.

“Hey, Spoon,” I said as my first mate entered the Bridge. He was rather short, and kept his jet black hair cut close to his scalp. He was wearing the same thing as me, except that his coat had full sleeves, and it, along with the pants, was more of a deep blue than grey. “You’re later than me for a change.”

“Sorry, I was reading a romance novel and lost track of time,” he replied.

“Romance?” I asked with a laugh. “You?”

“Well, it was research. I have to be prepared to sweet talk Miss Magger into giving me an extra tip.”

“That’s Mrs. Magger, Spoon,” I said warningly. “She is Dr. Magger’s wife. She’s married.”

“I’ll give you half of whatever she gives me,” he said with a smile. I raised an eyebrow.

“Then again, marriage means nothing anymore!” I said with a smile. “She may have a ring on her finger, but that don’t plug no hole!” Okay, so being honest and respectable really isn’t my style. Big deal. Shit happens, grab some toilet paper and get over it.

Eventually, Suza, our medic and science expert, made her way to the Bridge. She wasn’t bad looking, had long brown hair and a nice figure, but she smoked way too much and hit up the bars in every port we stopped at. Plus, you know, she was a rather tough girl, and worked closely with Giddy, a girly-man. They would often fight. Yup, speak of the devil...

“Suza, no!” whined Giddy as she lit a cigarette near their work station. “I told you, I can’t stand that nasty smoke!”

“Deal with it, pretty boy,” she said, her cigarette in her mouth as she bent over the console. She was wearing a blue tank top and a pair of jeans.

“I most certainly will not!,” protested Giddy. “Put it out!!!” As he yelled, I was once again reminded of Pee-Wee Herman and the “secret word shout” or whatever. Yeah, old twentieth century shows and movies are very popular in the galaxy.

“Listen here girly-man,” growled Suza, “Unless you want this cigarette put out on your face, I suggest you shut that trap of yours.”

“Huh?” Giddy looked down at his pants zipper.

“I meant your mouth!” snapped Suza.

“Well, you don’t have to be so mean!” Giddy’s eyes began to tear up.

“Oh, come on,” shouted Suza, throwing down the computer pad she had picked up. “This is bullshit. We have work to do!”

“I’m not touching this console until you apologize!” he said, wiping his eyes with the corner of his jacket. Suza placed her hand on her head and sighed loudly.

“Okay, FINE!,” she shouted. “Look, I’m sorry. Okay?”

“Really?” he sniffed.

“Yep...” she was silent for a second. “I’m sorry you’re such a PUSSY!!!!”

“You’re not sorry at all!!”

“No shit, Sherlock!”

“Huh? No, I’m not constipated... I’m going fine, I jus--”

“SHUT UP!” she shouted at the top of her lungs. It was so loud, it made Spoon, who had nodded off in his seat, jump awake and yelp out.

“Oh Suza, you are such a bitch!” cried Giddy. She glared at him.

“Did I tell you about my last hunting trip?” she laughed. “Dead bunnies and squirrels. Everywhere. Blood and guts, stares of death on their cutesy wutesy little faces. I killed them all.” Giddy began to sob.

“So cruel!!!! BITCH!!!! FUCKING BITCH!!!”

“Dead bunnies! Dead bunnies! Dead bunnies!” she kept shouting in his ear. He ran from the Bridge, weeping hard. I sighed loudly, then left for the kitchen, where I downed a handful of painkillers and a glass of water.

“Same shit different day, eh?” said Kegg Groinder, a humanoid talking potato who was our cook and weapons expert. His nephew was our primary enforcer, Bruno McTuffman. Both of them sat together in the kitchen.

“Yeah. So much shit my ass is sore,” I replied.

“I bet it was Giddy and Suza again, wasn’t it?” guessed Bruno. He reminded me of Mr. Potato Head on steroids.

“Yeppers,” I said. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he’s a fag and she’s a dyke. One is a cocksucker, and the other a carpetmuncher, but only we know which is which.”

“Hey, Captain, you’ve got a dust bunny on your shirt,” pointed out Bruno. I shrugged. “No, you don’t understand, Sir. It’s right there.” I shrugged again. “Aren’t you going to wipe it off?”

“Nope,” I said, even though I knew Bruno, who had severe OCD but could not afford the medication he needed, was going crazy.

“But, Captain, it’s right there! Just brush it off!” I sighed and did just that, to which Bruno jumped to his feet and exclaimed, “NO! Not on the floor! In the garbage can! Yeah, right there! Don’t forget to wash your hands!”

After leaving Bruno in the kitchen scrubbing the floor with bleach and hot water where the dust bunny touched, I headed for Engineering Lab One. I found our engineers, brothers Jiggy and Buttermilk Nutt, working on inactive parts of the Hyperdrive. They were twins, though Jiggy was short and Buttermilk was tall. There bodies were covered in a thick brown fur, resembling smaller versions of the Wookies from Star Wars -- Yes, even in 6969, Star Wars is popular. It has been remade like a hundred times. They wore orange coveralls with the sleeves rolled up.

“Hey Cap’n, wassup?” said Jiggy as I walked in.

“What brings you down here?” asked Buttermilk.

“Just needed a break from the other morons,” I said.

“Of course,” chimed in Jeeves, a servant droid created by the brothers, “by that he means you are morons too.”

“Hey Jeeves,” said Buttermilk harshly, “Go in the other room and slam your balls into the wall a few times. That’s an order.”

“Damn it... Yes, Sir.” Jeeves slowly left the room.

“You gave him genitals?” I asked, shocked.

“Yep. Way of keeping him in check. Or, attempting to, anyway. Hey Jeeves! I meant slam your balls now, not later!”

“Damn it...” we heard from the other room, followed by a series of thuds, each followed by “Ow!” or “Aah!” or “God dammit!!!”

Eventually, I made my way back to the Bridge, where Giddy had calmed down enough to get to work. I sat down in my chair, and before I knew it, Ace confirmed we were close to our destination.

“I’m pulling out of Hyperspace now,” he said as we felt the ship return to normal space. “Ha, pulling out... My ex-girlfriend said I didn’t know the meaning of the term.”

Pretty soon, we landed on Chooki Chuu Seven. I led Spoon, Giddy, Suza, Bruno, Kegg, Ace, Jiggy, Buttermilk, and Jeeves off the dick-shaped ship, through the air station, and out into Booger City, capital of Chooki Chuu.

 

[dragonrazor]

Is it sad that I read the first part of that, the intro, so to speak, and immediately pictured Captain Matthews and the crew of the Elsa?