The impact of relationships on definitions

[serijules]

The other night when Ma'am and I were talking, she mentioned being a bit put off by a comment I made in my journal regarding D/s or lack thereof. I had commented that there wasn't much D/s in my life lately due to life intruding in both my and Ma'ams life, but that it didn't bother me.

Ma'am said that her reaction was "What on earth is the girl talking about, her entire LIFE is D/s!"

And she's right, it is. I apologized and explained that MY idea of D/s these days differs then it used to. I used to consider D/s to be anything well...D/s or BDSM. Now my life revolves so tightly around my slavery that my definition and use of the word D/s differs than it used to. Now it simply means for lack of better terminology, "play time". We haven't had much "play time" lately. Times where we spend hours with implements and instructions and whatnot. Not to say there has not been ANY, my comment was just that there has not been as much time for such things because of school, work, life, moving, etc.

She made me realize that the rest of my readers may have read it the same way she did, and I wanted to correct that. Every morning my day starts out immediately with something that focuses on my slavery. The days end the same way and there are many instances, orders, rituals, thoughts, actions and whatnot in-between that focus on my slavery and my place in Ma'am's life. Very few decisions are made without considering Ma'am's expectations or teachings. Our distance really does not affect my slavery much at all, it's always there, it's always ON.

D/s on the other hand, is not always on. I'm not often thinking of orgasms or paddles or spankings or nipple clamps. My "kink" has shifted away from that. Certainly it's still a big part of my life, but it is no longer how I define my kink. Before Ma'am, that was exactly how I defined my kink. When was my next spanking or play time? Who could I play with? Between those play times and kink relations, there was no D/s. I had no identity of being Her slave, I had no 24/7 mindset that was taught to me by my Owner. I don't call that D/s, I call that...*****. My life as it is now.

So when I talk about lack of D/s, I am merely speaking of play time. Scening. Things I usually write in my journal about. I write less about the day to day life as a slave because much of those circumstances are so subtle, I'm not sure how to even express them. I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job right now!

People express doubt that slavery can exist 24/7 when the two people are so far apart. I'm telling you, it can and does. When I make my bed in the morning, I don't just toss the covers over like I would probably prefer to. I make the bed nicely, neatly, as Ma'am would expect if it were the bed in her room. Some mornings I don't feel like making it, but I do....because at Home, Ma'am would expect it of me. When I'm considering what to cook for supper, I pick out things I know Ma'am would like so I have more practice cooking and preparing meals for her. I spend my money wisely with thoughts of Ma'ams expectations. She rarely asks about these things or even knows specifically what I'm doing, but she does know she's taught me well. The specifics don't matter as much as the mindset.

I make decisions, I pay attention to manners, I dress, I act, I think....according to the slave that I am. Distance means nothing and has no impact on our relationship other than one on one, in person play time and even that we find ways when time allows to have some physical remote interaction. THAT is what I call " D/s" these days.

How have your relationships changed your definitions of things? Share some stories with us that will help the rest of us understand more about you and why you use phrases/words/labels the way that you do.

So many of us get all up in arms when someone else's definition of a word differs than ours but we rarely take the time to respect the reasons behind it rather than just argue about it.

 

[ecstaticsub]

That is so wonderfully said, thank you!!

I am in a long distance relationship but I consider it 24/7. I know that sometimes people say that ia LDR can't be 24/7. But it can. And it is for me. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week my Daddy is on my mind. When I get my nails done it is because he likes them looking perfect and in the color he prefers. Same with my hair and clothes. The way I interact with other people, men and women, is with him in mind. I am frequently asking myself if whatever I am doing is something he would be proud of.

I take the term D/s literally--Domination and submission. Daddy dominates my mind and I submit to his expectations. It has nothing at all to do with what I call "toys of the trade" (floggers, whips, restraints, wax etc). I don't need any of that to be a submissive. Maybe becuase of that an LDR works so well for me. The power he has on my mind doesn't have to be contolled by beatings or physical interaction.

I'll be back to this thread, I think it will be very interesting.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't think mine have changed, more so I seem to not notice or recognise it as much as I once did. The good thing in that is it means I no longer spend hours thinking about it, what we do, how we live, I just live and do it...the down side is from time to time I become insecure and feel I have slipped, or we are not as heavily into M/s and D/s as we once were. The reality is it has become our way of life to the extent it seems normal for want of a better word, no longer something which is necessarily done consciously. When I get these self doubts, F usually takes time to remind me just what the reality is by going through just a few of the things which make it 24/7 and TPE on a daily basis...that usually works to stop the concern and get me back on track mentally.

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

I've always felt that BDSM was the fun stuff - you know play time. And that D/s was the day to day stuff.

 

[serijules]

I've always felt that BDSM was the fun stuff - you know play time. And that D/s was the day to day stuff.

I agree, I just wasn't really thinking very much in the terminology I was using in my journal and didn't notice until it was pointed out to me. Now I realize I tend to use D/s to mean what I should be phrasing as play time. It's like the D/s part became such a normal part of my life that it ceased to even need a word.

 

[Netzach]

I think of it as "overt" versus everything else. And there's low "overt" threshold here too lately.

 

[Bandit58]

I think of it as "overt" versus everything else. And there's low "overt" threshold here too lately.

Things have been "low overt" here lately too. It's winter, Sir hasn't been feeling the best, and sex let alone "playing" has gone on the back burner.

However the relationship itself is as strong as ever. Nothing's changed in that department I'm sure that once we get back to home dialysis and He has more energy then things will pick up again. He's still Sir and I'm still serving

 

[SubKekiLee]

as always Seri you write so eloquently and lovely.. I am still just an uncollared pet and as of late we too havent had a whole lot of "playtime" either... But as yours and M'aam your relationship is as strong as ever.. Mine and Sirs relationship is strong and I am secure in my feelings and his. I have been talking to him about going into M/s and am researching what that means for me... But I think life is getting in the way for many people...

As always Seri.. lovely thread..

 

[myinnerslut]

my life is 24/7 LDR slavery. at least for the next year while i finish school i will remain in NY while Master is in VA. whether you want to call it D/s, M/s, BDSM, or "that freaky thing some people do", it is the most important thing in my life. to me the definition isnt as important as the actions. the words are not as important as the effort and the mindset.

i live my life by two rules (admittedly, with a few more specific sub-rules). this first is simply, please him. thats it. easy right? well, not really but it gives me a direction to aim in. i am expected to be able to live my own life and at the same time remain aware of my slavery. sometimes i dont know which would please him, option A or option B. in a situation like that i can ask him if its something big, or make an educated and informed decision if its something smaller.

my second rule is to take care of his property. in his home this extends to his house, his things, his family. both with him and away, the most important thing it implies to is me. i have some medical issues that make taking care of me a very important, a very difficult, and a personally challenging job. there are many times on the way to doctors or while counting out pills in the morning or evening, or while dealing with one or the other side effect that i am only able to get the strength or desire to go through with it becuase of that second rule.

Master dislikes micromanagment and i do not expect it nor need it. as long as i keep those two rule in the forefront of my mind, a task that isnt always easy, i am able to remain in a slaves frame of mind. i am his slave always, and LDR just makes it more difficult, not impossible.

i addressed a similiar issue latly. here is a link to the post i made then:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=27898206&postcount=57

 

[serijules]

Master dislikes micromanagment and i do not expect it nor need it. as long as i keep those two rule in the forefront of my mind, a task that isnt always easy, i am able to remain in a slaves frame of mind. i am his slave always, and LDR just makes it more difficult, not impossible.

Someone PM'd me (and I hope she will share her thoughts and questions here) asking how doing the little things I spoke of are "submissive" when they are things most people would do for their partner or themselves anyhow. As you say, "keeping those rules in the forefront of my mind..." sums that up very well. As I told her, it's not what you are doing, it's the intentions that you are doing them with that makes even mundane tasks take on a submissive tone.

My rules are very similar to yours...they are not many, but they are BIG and they cover a lot. So even when the choices I make may not necessarily be ordered or managed choices, they are still being done in the spirit of obeying the bigger picture of pleasing and taking care of myself. Would I still take care of myself and my house even if Ma'am were not in the picture? Certainly...but I would be doing so in a much different spirit and often making different choices since another person's training and expectations would not be influencing those decisions.

My favourite quote has always been "it's not the fact you are hurt that counts, but only how do you take it?".

I guess I can bend that a bit and apply it to my submission as well...it's not the fact I am obeying that counts, but rather, the spirit it's done in.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Master and I were both new to BDSM when we met. It therefore would have seemed a bit odd to call him 'Master' when he hadn't mastered the act of mastering yet. We were LDR to begin with and I was his pet. I called him Sir and it worked for us.

We went straight from LDR D/s to cohabiting as TPE M/s so the transition and the change in labels was symbolic and marked a huge milestone for us. Master collared me, we wrote out a contract and I became his slave. I call him Master or Sir.

Our relationship has deepened and matured and because we are real people, living in the real world, the necessities of life have to come over and above playtimes. We are still M/s in everything we do. It's implicit, not something we have to re-affirm every time a small decision must be made. Master hates micromanagement and so I have a lot of autonomy when it comes to little things. We're not the sort of people who sweat over details. If our roles are clear and we're heading in the right direction, that's generally good enough for us. I don't feel submissive 110% of the time just as he doesn't always feel like making all the decisions. We share loads and take up each other's slack, doesn't mean we don't know our places.

I was talking to somebody online about it and she said, "If an aristocrat falls ill and his butler nurses him back to health and manages his affairs while he's ill, it's still understood that the aristocrat will have authority the moment he recovers and that the butler must act as he believes the aristocrat would wish in the meantime. There may be a temporary shift in the power dynamic but the roles are too entrenched for the dynamic to be damaged or threatened."

Bit of a mouthful but it's pretty much how we role. No matter who does what, he remains the captain and no amount of first mate duty on my part will change that.

 

[JMohegan]

How have your relationships changed your definitions of things? Share some stories with us that will help the rest of us understand more about you and why you use phrases/words/labels the way that you do.

My experience with females is that they tend to define things in emotional and abstract terms.

So, for example, if you ask: "What does it mean, to you, to be a committed partner in a personal relationship?" - they tend to respond with something like: "It means you're the most important person, and our relationship is the most important focus, in my personal life."

And if you say something like: "I despise negotiation, bickering, push back, and talk back, and have a strong need to be in control in certain aspects of a personal relationship," females of a certain personality type tend to respond with something like: "I'm a giver, not a taker, and I hate arguing too! It's much more important for me to please than to be pleased, and I LOVE the idea of a guy taking charge in the bedroom. And I'm much more comfortable socially when deferring to someone I trust and respect to decide what we do."

All of which sounds great, and is great, until Thanksgiving comes and you tell her about an out-of-town reunion and party in honor of your coach, and tell her you want her to attend. And she says no, she's always spent Thanksgiving with family, and you remind her of her aforementioned preference for deferring, and she says: "Well, but this time you're not being reasonable!"

And you both argue and get pissed off, because you thought she said that "committed" meant you were the most important person in her personal life, and she says that of course you'll still be the most important in her heart - even if she doesn't go to the reunion. And you say, aren't you supposed to be deferring? And she says she thought she committed to deferring to reeeeaaaaaasonable requests, and don't you want her to be happy? And you say, if she gets to decide what's reasonable then what the fuck is the point of the alleged deferring thing?

And things continue in this extremely unpleasant fashion until you put your foot down, and insist, and she gives in. And in the middle of the reunion, she realizes why you wanted her to come. She learns much more about your past and your grounding than any discussion could ever convey - and she tells you you were right and apologizes for giving you a hard time.

And things are great, once again..... until the next time she decides you're not being "reasonable," and the whole thing starts once again.


My earliest relationships taught me to steer clear of emotional definitions, and expectations based on feelings. To define relationship roles in concrete terms, denoting the tangible ways in which my preferred flavor of relationship differs from mainstream expectations and goals. "You will come when I call, and do what I say - regardless of whether you think the request is reasonable." That sort of thing.

I'd say that strong feelings are the byproduct of a successful relationship. But the relationship can only be successful if tangible expectations are firmly set.

 

[serijules]

My experience with females is that they tend to define things in emotional and abstract terms.*snip*

My earliest relationships taught me to steer clear of emotional definitions, and expectations based on feelings. To define relationship roles in concrete terms, denoting the tangible ways in which my preferred flavor of relationship differs from mainstream expectations and goals. "You will come when I call, and do what I say - regardless of whether you think the request is reasonable." That sort of thing.

I'd say that strong feelings are the byproduct of a successful relationship. But the relationship can only be successful if tangible expectations are firmly set.

Exactly why I don't mix kink and romance, lol. I can't pull shit like that because Ma'am and I have no type of romantic relationship where I could even consider acting like that.

Anyhow, tangible expectations are a must, I agree. I think sometimes our use of words just kind of tend to shift without us even realizing it. I didn't realize I was suddenly using "D/s" instead of "playtime" in a way that was confusing, I didn't even really think about it at all until it was mentioned. I think more people would have less communication issues if they acknowledged and considered that sometimes we may not choose the best words to explain ourselves. If Ma'am had just assumed I really did mean D/s and gotten all pissy and upset about it rather than just ASKING me, a hell of a lot of unnecessary trouble would have been produced.

I think people do this more than they realize.

 

[EmpressFi]

My experience with females is that they tend to define things in emotional and abstract terms.

So, for example, if you ask: "What does it mean, to you, to be a committed partner in a personal relationship?" - they tend to respond with something like: "It means you're the most important person, and our relationship is the most important focus, in my personal life."

And if you say something like: "I despise negotiation, bickering, push back, and talk back, and have a strong need to be in control in certain aspects of a personal relationship," females of a certain personality type tend to respond with something like: "I'm a giver, not a taker, and I hate arguing too! It's much more important for me to please than to be pleased, and I LOVE the idea of a guy taking charge in the bedroom. And I'm much more comfortable socially when deferring to someone I trust and respect to decide what we do."

All of which sounds great, and is great, until Thanksgiving comes and you tell her about an out-of-town reunion and party in honor of your coach, and tell her you want her to attend. And she says no, she's always spent Thanksgiving with family, and you remind her of her aforementioned preference for deferring, and she says: "Well, but this time you're not being reasonable!"

And you both argue and get pissed off, because you thought she said that "committed" meant you were the most important person in her personal life, and she says that of course you'll still be the most important in her heart - even if she doesn't go to the reunion. And you say, aren't you supposed to be deferring? And she says she thought she committed to deferring to reeeeaaaaaasonable requests, and don't you want her to be happy? And you say, if she gets to decide what's reasonable then what the fuck is the point of the alleged deferring thing?

And things continue in this extremely unpleasant fashion until you put your foot down, and insist, and she gives in. And in the middle of the reunion, she realizes why you wanted her to come. She learns much more about your past and your grounding than any discussion could ever convey - and she tells you you were right and apologizes for giving you a hard time.

And things are great, once again..... until the next time she decides you're not being "reasonable," and the whole thing starts once again.


My earliest relationships taught me to steer clear of emotional definitions, and expectations based on feelings. To define relationship roles in concrete terms, denoting the tangible ways in which my preferred flavor of relationship differs from mainstream expectations and goals. "You will come when I call, and do what I say - regardless of whether you think the request is reasonable." That sort of thing.

I'd say that strong feelings are the byproduct of a successful relationship. But the relationship can only be successful if tangible expectations are firmly set.

I dont know that I would have gone with you no matter how hard you put your foot down. Maybe that means I'm not as devoted,and if it does, so be it. But your coach's reunion versus a meal with my family that I might see once a year or once ever 4 years... there's no competition. My family wins, and would win, every time. But then again, that's something that someone in a relationship knows about me from the beginning. Both Malin and my Master know how important they are to me, as well as knowing how important my brothers are to me. I would learn more of the character of the man in the fact that he would realize that they are important as a cornerstone of my life, that they are part of what makes me who I am, than in his ability to throw a larger tantrum than me and insist I go to his good ole boy reunion.

But as to Seri's post... I know what you mean and at first didnt realize why she was upset, but then, I can also see her side. To me, though, the BDSM part is the play time, the rest of what I do for him is just life, it's what fulfills me, completes me.

 

[kittenartist]

I think more people would have less communication issues if they acknowledged and considered that sometimes we may not choose the best words to explain ourselves.

I think people do this more than they realize.

I agree. Hence the quote in my signature I think language is a valuable tool but is often faulty in true expression.

Case in point, me and my boy find ourselves arguing on the same side of an argument all the time but our way of wording our point was different. Once we stop to listen to the point instead of the words we realize we agree.

I am not sure how to apply this to bdsm specifically though...

 

[JMohegan]

I dont know that I would have gone with you no matter how hard you put your foot down. Maybe that means I'm not as devoted,and if it does, so be it.

No, that's not what it means.

That incident had nothing to do with level of devotion, and everything to do with mutual confusion over tangible relationship expectations.

 

[Bandit58]

Someone PM'd me (and I hope she will share her thoughts and questions here) asking how doing the little things I spoke of are "submissive" when they are things most people would do for their partner or themselves anyhow. As you say, "keeping those rules in the forefront of my mind..." sums that up very well. As I told her, it's not what you are doing, it's the intentions that you are doing them with that makes even mundane tasks take on a submissive tone.

<snip>

I started a thread about this last year.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=529502

Sir tends to think that what I do for Him is what any loving spouse would be doing. However in my mind the service I provide, whether cooking a meal, setting up a dialysis machine or giving a blowjob, all counts towards my submission.