The IKEA paragraph

[SkyBubble]

Very helpful thread; thank you.

 

[VallesMarineris]

The inn fell silent when the demon hunter stepped inside. Every eye was drawn to the tall frame. The shadow trailing behind him seemed to reach back into Hell. When he removed his wide-brimmed hat, the face told of invisible scars.

Actually, I think your original lines, reproduced above, are the IKEA flatpack version: all the same, squeezing the contents down to fit into a standard small package. Your successive improvements could be viewed as you assembling the pieces into a useful item.

You could also view the 750-word story as a challenge to lay out the story's components so cleverly that the reader does the assembly for you.

 

[Actingup]

The stranger carefully, slowly, placed his hat on a nearby bench, and then reached into the folds of his cloak. Muscles tensed across the room as hands edged closer to swords.

He paused, letting his gaze sweep across the room, meeting every challenging pair of eyes until they lowered in mute submission. There was a sharp intake of breath as he raised his hand again, now clutching a small, shining object. It was shaped a bit like a hook: one long shaft, then a shorter shaft at right angles to the first. Those at the table near him could see that the shaft was not round, nor square. Rather, it had six sides.

At last he spoke.

“Which of you fuckers dropped this outside?”

 

[Actingup]

There was a long, uneasy silence, broken only by the whimpering of a young child, quickly stilled on her mother’s breast.

Finally, at the back of the room, a young man raised his hand. He was slight of frame and simply dressed, although his blue eyes had a clarity of gaze that belied his years.

“It’s mine,” he said quietly. “Thank you for finding it.”

“Yours, you say.” The stranger strode to the back of the room. “And what,” he said, articulating each word precisely, “is it for?”

“It’s for putting a bed together.”

“A bed?”

“Well, anything really. It could have been a bookshelf. Er, that’s if you read books. Or a stand for armour. It’s an all-purpose hexagonal key.”

At the word “hexagonal”, there was a sharp intake of breath around the room, but the stranger threw back his head and guffawed.

“Hexagonal, as in six sides, not as in a witch’s hex. Clever,” he explained to the company at large.

Then his dark eyes narrowed again as his gaze shifted to a slender woman sitting beside the young man.

“And is this who the bed is for?” he asked softly. “Aren’t you a pretty young thing? This man is your husband?”

She regarded him levelly. “My brother.”

“Your brother? So you are unmarried?”

Her eyes flickered downwards, to the prominent bulge at his crotch. “I am.”

“And how old are you, unmarried young woman with a new bed?”

“Seventeen.”

“Seventeen,” he repeated softly. “Ah, that’s a pity. I know the rules.”

He moved to the bar, and ordered a drink.

 

[TheLobster]

“Your brother? So you are unmarried?”

The stranger should remember this is Literotica. If she has a brother of similar age, then she’s already more taken than if she were actually married.

 

[Actingup]

The stranger should remember this is Literotica. If she has a brother of similar age, then she’s already more taken than if she were actually married.

Ah yes, but the sibling relationship can’t have been consummated yet, because of her age. I guess it’s all going to come to a head at her next birthday party.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I have no issue with the OP .... Opening Paragraph

Thread seems to have bubbled up out of nowhere though.

 

[StillStunned]

Thread seems to have bubbled up out of nowhere though.

Probably because I linked to it in the "A place to discuss the craft of writing" thread.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

No, just a bubblehead bubbling up all sorts of old threads out of the sky.