The Green Man Shows Himself
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porphry
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CORRECTION:
The story is listed under "Something for my Mentor" in the SCI-FI/FANTASY section; not under "The Green Man Shows Himself."
My bad.
porph.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=46639
The story is listed under "Something for my Mentor" in the SCI-FI/FANTASY section; not under "The Green Man Shows Himself."
My bad.
porph.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=46639
p_p_man
The 'Euro' European
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Re: CORRECTION:
I read it twice.
The first time as a story and the second as an essay.
Taking into account the main character is writing to her mentor, is there any reason why all your Is are in lower case? At first I thought you were trying to convey a character with learning difficulties (as in Flowers for Algernon) but the rest of the piece is too well grammatically written for that.
As a story (even a snippet of one) it didn't do too much for me. But then again I'm not a Fantasy fan. Even forgetting the genre it came across more of an essay than a story. As a story it was fairly static with the whole tale nothing more than one long description. Some pleasant to read "the night air cools slightly as though shaking hands with the warmth of the day" and some just pieces of self indulgent writing as in "how can there be words when we both know our archetypal place and that any questions are answered as quickly as they are formed?. This in itself is no bad thing but the whole was also flat which added to the descriptions' oddities in certain places.
If I was the main character, tied to a tree, knowing I'm there for a reason, waiting for the creature (?) to arrive I reckon I'd be feeling a bit more than the insects and the bark of the tree against my skin.
I would be feeling an increase in heartbeat, a tight nervousness in my stomach possibly sweat running down my skin and into my eyes so that I couldn't see properly without blinking.
The way it's written is as a cardboard character against a stage prop waiting for the next "action" shot.
So no, as a story, I couldn't get into it.
As an essay giving an example of how the English language can be used and manipulated to convey a vision I would say Yes. Well written with the length of it broken by other than full-stops. I liked that idea and it was cleverly worked in so that the absence of the stops wasn't noticed. The descriptions which didn't work as a story, worked as an essay.
But also as an essay you should have tidied up the cases (lower and upper) you used throughout.
As I said I'm not a Fantasy fan. I'm of the old fashioned, pre-Michael Moorcock school of Science Fiction, so please take that into consideration when you read this critique.
ppman
porphry said:The story is listed under "Something for my Mentor" in the SCI-FI/FANTASY section; not under "The Green Man Shows Himself."
My bad.
porph.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=46639
I read it twice.
The first time as a story and the second as an essay.
Taking into account the main character is writing to her mentor, is there any reason why all your Is are in lower case? At first I thought you were trying to convey a character with learning difficulties (as in Flowers for Algernon) but the rest of the piece is too well grammatically written for that.
As a story (even a snippet of one) it didn't do too much for me. But then again I'm not a Fantasy fan. Even forgetting the genre it came across more of an essay than a story. As a story it was fairly static with the whole tale nothing more than one long description. Some pleasant to read "the night air cools slightly as though shaking hands with the warmth of the day" and some just pieces of self indulgent writing as in "how can there be words when we both know our archetypal place and that any questions are answered as quickly as they are formed?. This in itself is no bad thing but the whole was also flat which added to the descriptions' oddities in certain places.
If I was the main character, tied to a tree, knowing I'm there for a reason, waiting for the creature (?) to arrive I reckon I'd be feeling a bit more than the insects and the bark of the tree against my skin.
I would be feeling an increase in heartbeat, a tight nervousness in my stomach possibly sweat running down my skin and into my eyes so that I couldn't see properly without blinking.
The way it's written is as a cardboard character against a stage prop waiting for the next "action" shot.
So no, as a story, I couldn't get into it.
As an essay giving an example of how the English language can be used and manipulated to convey a vision I would say Yes. Well written with the length of it broken by other than full-stops. I liked that idea and it was cleverly worked in so that the absence of the stops wasn't noticed. The descriptions which didn't work as a story, worked as an essay.
But also as an essay you should have tidied up the cases (lower and upper) you used throughout.
As I said I'm not a Fantasy fan. I'm of the old fashioned, pre-Michael Moorcock school of Science Fiction, so please take that into consideration when you read this critique.
ppman
porphry
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Re: Feedback
Thank you for your frank appraisal. Truly, the piece is neither story nor essay --- just a letter for Him with an excerpt from my journal. Yes, the lower case "i" is due to a BDSM convention. Perhaps the piece is located in the wrong category? I wasn't sure where to put it; perhaps it shouldn't have been offered at all or placed in BDSM instead.
How might I have avoided the "cardboard cut-out" syndrome? I love description to a fault.
What sort of pre-Michael Moorcock things do you prefer?
Again, many thanks.
porph.
Thank you for your frank appraisal. Truly, the piece is neither story nor essay --- just a letter for Him with an excerpt from my journal. Yes, the lower case "i" is due to a BDSM convention. Perhaps the piece is located in the wrong category? I wasn't sure where to put it; perhaps it shouldn't have been offered at all or placed in BDSM instead.
How might I have avoided the "cardboard cut-out" syndrome? I love description to a fault.
What sort of pre-Michael Moorcock things do you prefer?
Again, many thanks.
porph.
p_p_man
The 'Euro' European
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- Feb 18, 2001
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Re: Re: Feedback
Ahhh! I see. It didn't come across as BDSM to me at all. Mind you BDSM to me means whips, chains, nipple clamps etc. Perhaps I'm out of step with the BDSM world!
I'm not sure which category you should have put it in. But submitting it to Literotica was the right thing to do.
Perhaps Killer Muffin can give some advice. She was around earlier, I've just read one of her posts.
We all write differently and one man's meat etc so I won't endeavour to tell you how I would have avoided the "cardboard characters" the story conveyed to me. For one thing I write very much from a male point of view for a predominantly male readership.
pre-Moorcock was the 'good old days' of Asimov, Arthur C Clarke, Ray Bradbury (even though he wrote some great fantasy tales there were definitely NOT of the swords and sorcery type - try reading "Something Wicked This Way Comes' if you haven't already), Konnegut...all the old school...
ppman
porphry said:
Ahhh! I see. It didn't come across as BDSM to me at all. Mind you BDSM to me means whips, chains, nipple clamps etc. Perhaps I'm out of step with the BDSM world!
I'm not sure which category you should have put it in. But submitting it to Literotica was the right thing to do.
Perhaps Killer Muffin can give some advice. She was around earlier, I've just read one of her posts.
We all write differently and one man's meat etc so I won't endeavour to tell you how I would have avoided the "cardboard characters" the story conveyed to me. For one thing I write very much from a male point of view for a predominantly male readership.
pre-Moorcock was the 'good old days' of Asimov, Arthur C Clarke, Ray Bradbury (even though he wrote some great fantasy tales there were definitely NOT of the swords and sorcery type - try reading "Something Wicked This Way Comes' if you haven't already), Konnegut...all the old school...
ppman
porphry
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Killer Muffin is a moderator?
I'm glad to hear that posting it (to wherever) was a good thing; that it wasn't downright horrible. I'll touch base with KillerMuffin.
Was that Konnegut or Vonnegut?
It sounds as though you're truly more Sci-Fi than Fantasy. It's good to know the strengths/biases of your critics. I very, very much appreciate your comments.
Thank you!
I'm glad to hear that posting it (to wherever) was a good thing; that it wasn't downright horrible. I'll touch base with KillerMuffin.
Was that Konnegut or Vonnegut?
It sounds as though you're truly more Sci-Fi than Fantasy. It's good to know the strengths/biases of your critics. I very, very much appreciate your comments.
Thank you!
G
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God, I can't stand that saying, "my bad!" YOUR bad what?! Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle !!! Oh, my bad!
Please don't tell me why ppl say it, I know what they mean, but you talk about editing your stories, stop saying "uh, my bad!"
Please don't tell me why ppl say it, I know what they mean, but you talk about editing your stories, stop saying "uh, my bad!"
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