HeavyStick
Anti-M 0derator
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2002
- Posts
- 47,301
**Disclaimer**
This is for fun, not a personal attack.
Some of the Characters are fitting of Lit members, some are not.
Read and Enjoy.
Please try to notice the little changes.
Great effort was put into this, if you can do better please do and post it.
I now present to you.
Ishmael's Quest for the Holy Thread.
The General Board and the Holy Thread
The Cast:
KING ARTHUR Ishmael
PATSY TB4p
SOLDIER #1 Gunner Dailey
SOLDIER #2 bknight2602
CART MASTER zipman7
CUSTOMER miles
DEAD PERSON Troll
DENNIS Redwave
WOMAN DonkeyDick
BLACK KNIGHT Hanns_Schmidt
GREEN KNIGHT LordLucan74
LEAD MONK Poster who starts a thread
VILLAGER #1 Any Poster
VILLAGER #2 Any Poster
SIR BEDEVERE Texan
WITCH lavender
VILLAGER #3 Any Poster
VILLAGER #4 Any Poster
NARRATOR Laurel
PAGE TURNER Moderator
SIR LAUNCELOT Purple Haze
SIR GALAHAD Todd-‘o’-Vision
SIR ROBIN QuickDuck
SIR NOT-APPEARING... Any Poster <100 posts
PRISONER Any Poster
MAN Any Poster
GOD Dixon Carter Lee
FRENCH GUARD Problem Child
HISTORIAN #1tankcomander
KNIGHT Any Noble Poster
HISTORIAN'S WIFE marksgirl
MINSTREL Troll (Pick one)
LEFT HEAD Aquila
MIDDLE HEAD Bob_Bytchin
RIGHT HEAD SilvaTungDevil
ZOOT Nora
PIGLET Ginny
WINSTON Rubyfruit
DINGO Mischka
OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER SINthysist
TIM THE ENCHANTER LukkyKnight
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI RawHumor
CARTOON CHARACTER Self
FATHER ChilledVodka
PRINCE HERBERT Sillyman
GUARD #1 busybody
GUARD #2 pp_man
CONCORDE Glamorilla
GUEST #1 Any Poster
GUEST #2 Any Poster
OLD CRONE Mia62
ROGER THE SHRUBBER erosman
OFFICER #1 Moderator
INSPECTOR Manu
RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG Lancecastor
BROTHER MAYNARD Weird Harold
SECOND BROTHER Dillinger
ANIMATOR Self
Scene 1
[opening music] [wind] [clop clop clop]
ISHMAEL: Whoa there! [clop clop clop]
GUNNER DAILEY: Halt! Who goes there?
ISHMAEL: It is I, Ishmael, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Literotica. King of the Literoticans, defeater of the Trolls, Sovereign of all Sanity!
GUNNER DAILEY: Pull the other one!
ISHMAEL: I am,... and this is my trusty servant TB4p. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Literotica. I must speak with your lord and master.
GUNNER DAILEY: What? Ridden on a horse?
ISHMAEL: Yes!
GUNNER DAILEY: You're using coconuts!
ISHMAEL: What?
GUNNER DAILEY: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ISHMAEL: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of the Internet, through-
GUNNER DAILEY: Where'd you get the coconuts?
ISHMAEL: We found them.
GUNNER DAILEY: Found them? In the Internet? The coconut's tropical!
ISHMAEL: What do you mean?
GUNNER DAILEY: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ISHMAEL: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
GUNNER DAILEY: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ISHMAEL: Not at all. They could be carried.
GUNNER DAILEY: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ISHMAEL: It could grip it by the husk!
GUNNER DAILEY: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ISHMAEL: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Ishmael from the Court of Literotica is here?
GUNNER DAILEY: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ISHMAEL: Please!
GUNNER DAILEY: Am I right?
ISHMAEL: I'm not interested!
BKNIGHT2602: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUNNER DAILEY: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
BKNIGHT2602: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ISHMAEL: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Literotica?!
GUNNER DAILEY: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
BKNIGHT2602: Oh, yeah.
GUNNER DAILEY: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
BKNIGHT2602: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUNNER DAILEY: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
BKNIGHT2602: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUNNER DAILEY: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
BKNIGHT2602: Well, why not?
Scene 2
[thud]
[clang]
ZIPMAN7: Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [cough cough...] [clang] [...cough cough] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! Ninepence. [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out...
[rewr!](Cat is getting slapped of a wall in the background) ...your trolls! [rewr!] [clang] Bring out your trolls!
MILES: Here's one.
ZIPMAN7: Ninepence.
TROLL: I'm not dead!
ZIPMAN7: What?
MILES: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
TROLL: I'm not dead!
ZIPMAN7: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!
MILES: Yes, he is.
TROLL: I'm not!
ZIPMAN7: He isn't?
MILES: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
TROLL: I'm getting better!
MILES: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
ZIPMAN7: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
TROLL: I don't want to go on the cart!
MILES: Oh, don't be such a baby.
ZIPMAN7: I can't take him.
TROLL: I feel fine!
MILES: Well, do us a favour.
ZIPMAN7: I can't.
MILES: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
ZIPMAN7: No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
MILES: Well, when's your next round?
ZIPMAN7: Thursday.
TROLL: I think I'll go for a walk.
MILES: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
TROLL: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy. [whop on troll’s head]
MILES: Ah, thanks very much.
ZIPMAN7: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
MILES: Right. All right. [howl] [clop clop clop] Who's that, then?
ZIPMAN7: I dunno. Must be Ishmael.
MILES: Why?
ZIPMAN7: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Scene 3
[thud] [Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[thud thud thud] [Ishmael’s Theme Music stops]
ISHMAEL: Old woman!
REDWAVE: Man!
ISHMAEL: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
REDWAVE: I'm thirty-seven.
ISHMAEL: I-- what?
REDWAVE: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
ISHMAEL: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
REDWAVE: Well, you could say 'Redwave'.
ISHMAEL: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Redwave'.
REDWAVE: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ISHMAEL: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
REDWAVE: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ISHMAEL: Well, I am King!
REDWAVE: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
DONKEYDICK: Redwave, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
ISHMAEL: How do you do, good lady? I am Ishmael, King of the Literoticans. Whose castle is that?
DONKEYDICK: King of the who?
ISHMAEL: The Literoticans.
DONKEYDICK: Who are the Literoticans?
ISHMAEL: Well, we all are. We are all Literoticans, and I am your king.
DONKEYDICK: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
REDWAVE: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
DONKEYDICK: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
REDWAVE: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
ISHMAEL: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
DONKEYDICK: No one lives there.
ISHMAEL: Then who is your lord?
DONKEYDICK: We don't have a lord.
ISHMAEL: What?
REDWAVE: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...
ISHMAEL: Yes.
REDWAVE: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
ISHMAEL: Yes, I see.
REDWAVE: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
ISHMAEL: Be quiet!
REDWAVE: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
ISHMAEL: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
DONKEYDICK: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
ISHMAEL: I am your king!
DONKEYDICK: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ISHMAEL: You don't vote for kings.
DONKEYDICK: Well, how did you become King, then?
ISHMAEL: The Lady of the Lake,.[angels sing]..her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Ishmael, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
REDWAVE: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ISHMAEL: Be quiet!
REDWAVE: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ISHMAEL: Shut up!
REDWAVE: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ISHMAEL: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
REDWAVE: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ISHMAEL: Shut up!
REDWAVE: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
ISHMAEL: Bloody peasant!
REDWAVE: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it,
didn't you?
Scene 4
[Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[music stops]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aaaagh!
[Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[music stops]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aaagh!
LORDLUCAN74: Ooh!
[Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[music stops] [stab]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aagh!
LORDLUCAN74: Oh! [Ishmael’s Theme Music] Ooh! Uuh. [music stops]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aaaagh!
[clang]
HANNS_SCHMIDT and LORDLUCAN74: Agh!, oh!, etc.
LORDLUCAN74: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! [woosh] [HANNS_SCHMIDT kills LORDLUCAN74]
[thud] [scrape]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Umm!
[clop clop clop]
ISHMAEL: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause] I am Ishmael, King of the Literoticans.
[pause] I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Literotica.
[pause] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, TB4p.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: None shall pass.
ISHMAEL: What?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: None shall pass.
ISHMAEL: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Then you shall die.
ISHMAEL: I command you, as King of the Literoticans, to stand aside!
HANNS_SCHMIDT: I move for no man.
ISHMAEL: So be it!
ISHMAEL and HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc. [ISHMAEL chops the HANNS_SCHMIDT's left arm off]
ISHMAEL: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ISHMAEL: A scratch? Your arm's off!
HANNS_SCHMIDT: No, it isn't.
ISHMAEL: Well, what's that, then?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: I've had worse.
ISHMAEL: You liar!
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Come on, you pansy! [clang] Huyah! [clang] Hiyaah! [clang] Aaaaaaaah! [ISHMAEL chops the HANNS_SCHMIDT's right arm off]
ISHMAEL: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Hah! [kick] Come on, then.
ISHMAEL: What?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Have at you! [kick]
ISHMAEL: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ISHMAEL: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Yes, I have.
ISHMAEL: Look!
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Just a flesh wound. [kick]
ISHMAEL: Look, stop that.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Chicken! [kick] Chickennn!
ISHMAEL: Look, I'll have your leg. [kick] Right! [whop] [ISHMAEL chops the HANNS_SCHMIDT's right leg off]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Right. I'll do you for that!
ISHMAEL: You'll what?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Come here!
ISHMAEL: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: I'm invincible!
ISHMAEL: You're a looney.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: The Hanns_Schmidt always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then. [whop] [ISHMAEL chops the HANNS_SCHMIDT's last leg off]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.
ISHMAEL: Come, TB4p.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
Scene 5
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. [bonk](Hitting themselves in the head with a borad) Pie Iesu domine,... [bonk] ...dona eis requiem. [bonk] Pie Iesu domine,... [bonk] ...dona eis requiem.
GENERAL BOARD: A bitch! A bitch! [bonk] A bitch! A bitch!
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...
GENERAL BOARD: A bitch! A bitch! A bitch! A bitch! We've found a bitch! A bitch! A bitch! A bitch! A bitch! We've got a bitch! A bitch! A bitch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a bitch! We've found a bitch! A bitch! A bitch! A bitch!
POSTER #1: We have found a bitch. May we burn her?
GENERAL BOARD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
TEXAN: How do you know she is a bitch?
POSTER #2: She looks like one.
GENERAL BOARD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
TEXAN: Bring her forward.
LAVENDER: I'm not a bitch. I'm not a bitch.
TEXAN: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
LAVENDER: They dressed me up like this.
GENERAL BOARD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
LAVENDER: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
TEXAN: Well?
POSTER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
TEXAN: The nose?
POSTER #1: And the hat, but she is a bitch!
POSTER #2: Yeah!
GENERAL BOARD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
TEXAN: Did you dress her up like this?
POSTER #1: No!
POSTER #2 and 3: No. No.
POSTER #2: No.
POSTER #1: No.
POSTERS #2 and #3: No.
POSTER #1: Yes.
POSTER #2: Yes.
POSTER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
POSTER #3: A bit.
POSTERS #1 and #2: A bit.
POSTER #3: A bit.
POSTER #1: She has got a wart.
RANDOM: [cough]
TEXAN: What makes you think she is a bitch?
POSTER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
TEXAN: A newt?
POSTER #3: I got better.
POSTER #2: Burn her anyway!
POSTER #1: Burn!
GENERAL BOARD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
TEXAN: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a bitch.
POSTER #1: Are there?
POSTER #2: Ah?
POSTER #1: What are they?
GENERAL BOARD: Tell us! Tell us!...
TEXAN: Tell me. What do you do with bitches?
POSTER #2: Burn!
POSTER #1: Burn!
GENERAL BOARD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
TEXAN: And what do you burn apart from bitches?
POSTER #1: More bitches!
POSTER #3: Shh!
POSTER #2: Wood!
TEXAN: So, why do bitches burn? [pause]
POSTER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
TEXAN: Good! Heh heh.
GENERAL BOARD: Oh, yeah. Oh.
TEXAN: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
POSTER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
TEXAN: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
POSTER #1: Oh, yeah.
RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
TEXAN: Does wood sink in water?
POSTER #1: No. No.
POSTER #2: No, it floats! It floats!
POSTER #1: Throw her into the pond!
GENERAL BOARD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!
TEXAN: What also floats in water?
POSTER #1: Bread!
POSTER #2: Apples!
POSTER #3: Uh, very small rocks!
POSTER #1: Cider!
POSTER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!
POSTER #1: Cherries!
POSTER #2: Mud!
POSTER #3: Uh, churches! Churches!
POSTER #2: Lead! Lead!
ISHMAEL: A duck!
GENERAL BOARD: Oooh.
TEXAN: Exactly. So, logically...
POSTER #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
TEXAN: And therefore?
POSTER #2: A bitch!
POSTER #1: A bitch!
GENERAL BOARD: A bitch! A bitch!...
POSTER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck. [quack quack quack]
TEXAN: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
GENERAL BOARD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the bitch! Burn the bitch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
TEXAN: Right. Remove the supports! [whop] [clunk] [creak]
GENERAL BOARD: A bitch! A bitch! A bitch!
LAVENDER: It's a fair cop.
POSTER #3: Burn her!
GENERAL BOARD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...
TEXAN: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ISHMAEL: I am Ishmael, King of the Literoticans.
TEXAN: My liege!
ISHMAEL: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Literotica and join us at the Round Table?
TEXAN: My liege! I would be honored.
ISHMAEL: What is your name?
TEXAN: 'Texan', my liege.
ISHMAEL: Then I dub you 'Sir Texan, Knight of the Round Table'.
Narrative Interlude
LAUREL: The wise Sir Texan was the first to join Ishmael's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Purple Haze the Brave, Sir Todd-’o’-Vision the Pure, and Sir QuickDuck the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir Purple Haze, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not-posting-in-this-thread. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table.
Scene 6
[clop clop clop]
TEXAN: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
ISHMAEL: This new learning amazes me, Sir Texan. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
TEXAN: Oh, certainly, sir.
PURPLE HAZE: Look, my liege! [trumpets]
ISHMAEL: Literotica!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Literotica!
PURPLE HAZE: Literotica!
TB4P: It's only a forum.
ISHMAEL: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Literotica! [in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS: [singing]
We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Literotica.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
[dancing]
We're Knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're opera mad in Literotica.
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
[in dungeon]
PRISONER: [clap clap clap clap]
[in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS: [tap-dancing]
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Literotica.
POSTER: I have to bump the thread a lot.
[outdoors]
ISHMAEL: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Literotica. It is a silly place.
KNIGHTS: Right. Right.
Scene 7
[clop clop clop] [boom boom] [angels sing]
DIXON CARTER LEE: Ishmael! Ishmael, King of the Literoticans! Oh, don't grovel! [singing stops] One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ISHMAEL: Sorry. [boom]
DIXON CARTER LEE: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. [boom] What are you doing now?!
ISHMAEL: I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.
DIXON CARTER LEE: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!
ISHMAEL: Yes, Lord.
DIXON CARTER LEE: Right! Ishmael, King of the Literoticans, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ISHMAEL: Good idea, O Lord!
DIXON CARTER LEE: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! [angels sing] Ishmael, this is the Holy Thread. Look well, Ishmael, for it is your sacred task to seek this thread. That is your purpose, Ishmael: the quest for the Holy Thread. [boom] [singing stops]
PURPLE HAZE: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Dixon Carter Lee be praised!
Scene 8
[Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[clop clop clop]
ISHMAEL: Halt! [horn] Hallo! [pause] Hallo!
PROBLEM CHILD: Allo! Who is eet?
ISHMAEL: It is Ishmael, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Who's castle is this?
PROBLEM CHILD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ISHMAEL: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Dixon Carter Lee with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Thread.
PROBLEM CHILD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ISHMAEL: What?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: He says they've already got one!
ISHMAEL: Are you sure he's got one?
PROBLEM CHILD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]
ISHMAEL: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
PROBLEM CHILD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ISHMAEL: Well, what are you, then?
PROBLEM CHILD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What are you doing in England?
PROBLEM CHILD: Mind your own business!
ISHMAEL: If you will not show us the Thread, we shall take your castle by force!
PROBLEM CHILD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Ishmael King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What a strange person.
ISHMAEL: Now look here, my good man--
PROBLEM CHILD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
PROBLEM CHILD: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff]
ISHMAEL: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
PROBLEM CHILD: (Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi?
PROBLEM CHILD: (Fetchez la vache!)
[mooo]
ISHMAEL: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong] [mooooooo](Large cow is airborne headed for the Knights and King Ishmael) Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS: Christ! [thud] Ah! Ohh!...
ISHMAEL: Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[mayhem]
PROBLEM CHILD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
[mayhem]
PROBLEM CHILD: And this one's for your dad!
ISHMAEL: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
PROBLEM CHILD: Thppppt!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
PURPLE HAZE: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ISHMAEL: No, no. No, no.
TEXAN: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later] [wind blows] [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw(trees being cut)] [clunk] [bang] [rewr!] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak] [rrrr rrrr rrrr] [drilllll] [sawwwww] [clunk] [crash] [clang] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [creak]
FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here... [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [clllank]
ISHMAEL: What happens now?
TEXAN: Well, now, uh, Purple Haze, Todd-‘o’-Vision, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ISHMAEL: Who leaps out?
TEXAN: U-- u-- uh, Purple Haze, Todd-‘o’-Vision, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...
ISHMAEL: Ohh.
TEXAN: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger-- [clank(hit on head)] [twong(Wooden Rabbit is Airborne heading for the crusade)]
ISHMAEL: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[CRASH]
FRENCH GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
Scene 9
[clack]
VOICE: Picture for Schools, take eight.
LAUREL: Action!
#1TANKCOMANDER: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened Ishmael. The ferocity of the Problem Child taunting took him completely by surprise, and Ishmael became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Thread were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Ishmael, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Thread individually. [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Purple Haze--
KNIGHT: Aaaah! [slash] [KNIGHT kills #1TANKCOMANDER]
MARKSGIRL: Frank!
Scene 10
[trumpets]
LAUREL: The Tale of Sir QuickDuck. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir QuickDuck rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite trolls.
TROLL: [singing] Bravely bold Sir QuickDuck rode forth from Literotica.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir QuickDuck.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir QuickDuck!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir QuickDuck!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
QUICKDUCK: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
REDWAVE: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
DONKEYDICK: Oh, Redwave, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
TROLL: [singing] He is brave Sir QuickDuck, brave Sir QuickDuck, who--
QUICKDUCK: Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
TROLL: [singing] To fight and--
QUICKDUCK: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
QUICKDUCK: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
QUICKDUCK: I am.
AQUILA: In that case, I shall have to kill you.
BOB_BYTCHIN: Shall I?
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, I don't think so.
BOB_BYTCHIN: Well, what do I think?
AQUILA: I think kill him.
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, let's be nice to him.
AQUILA: Oh, shut up.
QUICKDUCK: Perhaps I could--
AQUILA: And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, cut your own head off!
BOB_BYTCHIN: Yes, do us all a favour!
AQUILA: What?
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Yapping on all the time.
BOB_BYTCHIN: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
AQUILA: What do you mean?
BOB_BYTCHIN: You snore!
AQUILA: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
BOB_BYTCHIN: Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.
AQUILA: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
BOB_BYTCHIN: Yes.
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, not biscuits.
AQUILA: All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS: Right!
BOB_BYTCHIN: He buggered off.
SILVATUNGDEVIL: So he has. He's scarpered.
TROLL: [singing] Brave Sir QuickDuck ran away,
QUICKDUCK: No!
TROLL: [singing] Bravely ran away, away.
QUICKDUCK: I didn't!
TROLL: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
QUICKDUCK: No!
TROLL: [singing] Yes, brave Sir QuickDuck turned about
QUICKDUCK: I didn't!
TROLL: [singing] And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
QUICKDUCK: I never did!
TROLL: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat,
QUICKDUCK: All lies!
TROLL: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir QuickDuck.
QUICKDUCK: I never!
Scene 11
[trumpets]
LAUREL: The Tale of Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision. [boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom] [angels singing] [howl] [boom] [howl] [boom] [pound pound pound]
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of Ishmael, open the door!
[creak] [thump] [creak] [boom]
GIRLS: Hello!
NORA: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: The Castle Anthrax?
NORA: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: You are the keepers of the Holy Thread?
NORA: The what?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: The Thread. It is here.
NORA: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Rubyfruit! Freya2!
RUBYFRUIT and FREYA2: Yes, O Nora?
NORA: Prepare a bed for our guest.
RUBYFRUIT and FREYA2: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
NORA: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well, look, I-- I, uh--
NORA: What is your name, handsome knight?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: 'Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision... the Chaste'.
NORA: Mine is 'Nora'. Just 'Nora'. Oh, but come.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, please! In Dixon Carter Lee's name, show me the Thread!
NORA: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--
NORA: Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well, I-- I, uh--
NORA: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between eighteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.
NORA: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. [clap clap]
GINNY: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: They're doctors?!
NORA: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: B-- but--
NORA: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Ginny! Doctor Winston! Practise your art.
WINSTON: Try to relax.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
GINNY: We must examine you.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: There's nothing wrong with that!
GINNY: Please. We are doctors.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.
GINNY: Back to your bed! At once!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Thread!
GINNY: There's no Thread here.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I have seen it! I have seen it! [clank] I have seen--
GIRLS: Hello.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh.
GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Nora!
MISCHKA: No, I am Nora's identical twin sister, Mischka.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
MISCHKA: Where are you going?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I seek the Thread! I have seen it, here in this castle!
MISCHKA: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Nora!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well, what is it?
MISCHKA: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Nora! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is Thread-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: It's not the real Thread?
MISCHKA: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Nora! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.
AQUILA: At least ours was better visually.
REDWAVE: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.
SINTHYSIST: Get on with it.
LUKKYKNIGHT: Yes, get on with it!
GENERAL BOARD: Yes, get on with it!
MISCHKA: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
DIXON CARTER LEE: Get on with it!
MISCHKA: [sigh] [clunk] Oh, wicked, wicked Nora. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Thread-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
FREYA2: A spanking! A spanking!
MISCHKA: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
RUBYFRUIT: And spank me.
NORA: And me.
FREYA2: And me.
MISCHKA: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
CYBERGIRLY1989: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
MISCHKA: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: The oral sex! The oral sex!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
PURPLE HAZE: Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh, hello.
PURPLE HAZE: Quick!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What?
PURPLE HAZE: Quick!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Why?
PURPLE HAZE: You are in great peril!
MISCHKA: No, he isn't.
PURPLE HAZE: Silence, foul temptress!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: You know, she's got a point.
PURPLE HAZE: Come on! We will cover your escape!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, I'm fine!
PURPLE HAZE: Come on!
GIRLS: Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
MISCHKA: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
PURPLE HAZE: No, Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision. Come on!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
MISCHKA: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
PURPLE HAZE: No. Quick! Quick!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
MISCHKA: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily [boom]
MISCHKA: Oh, shit.
PURPLE HAZE: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I don't think I was.
PURPLE HAZE: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
PURPLE HAZE: No, it's too perilous.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
PURPLE HAZE: No, we've got to find the Holy Thread. Come on!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
PURPLE HAZE: No. It's unhealthy.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I bet you're gay.
PURPLE HAZE: No, I'm not.
Narrative Interlude
LAUREL: Sir Purple Haze had saved Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Thread. Meanwhile, Ishmael and Sir Texan, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
GENERAL BOARD: Get on with it!
LAUREL: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Ishmael discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!
Scene 12
SINTHYSIST: Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha...
ISHMAEL: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Thread?
SINTHYSIST: ...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha...
ISHMAEL: Where does he live?
SINTHYSIST: ...Heh heh heh heh...
ISHMAEL: Old man, where does he live?
SINTHYSIST: ...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
ISHMAEL: And the Thread. The Thread is there?
SINTHYSIST: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
ISHMAEL: But the Thread! Where is the Thread?!
SINTHYSIST: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ISHMAEL: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Thread?
SINTHYSIST: Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha ha...
Scene 13
[spooky music]
[music stops]
RAWHUMOR: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ISHMAEL: Who are you?
RAWHUMOR: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM: Ni!
ISHMAEL: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
RAWHUMOR: The same!
TEXAN: Who are they?
RAWHUMOR: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
RANDOM: Neee-wom!
ISHMAEL: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
RAWHUMOR: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.
ISHMAEL: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
RAWHUMOR: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ISHMAEL: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
RAWHUMOR: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ISHMAEL: Well, what is it you want?
RAWHUMOR: We want... a shrubbery! [dramatic chord]
ISHMAEL: A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ISHMAEL and PARTY: Ow! Oh!
ISHMAEL: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
RAWHUMOR: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.
ISHMAEL: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
RAWHUMOR: One that looks nice.
ISHMAEL: Of course.
RAWHUMOR: And not too expensive.
ISHMAEL: Yes.
RAWHUMOR: Now... go!
Scene 14
LAUREL: The Tale of Sir Purple Haze.
CHILLEDVODKA: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
SILLYMAN: What, the curtains?
CHILLEDVODKA: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and threads of this forum! This'll be your kingdom, lad.
SILLYMAN: But Mother--
CHILLEDVODKA: Father, lad. Father.
SILLYMAN: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.
CHILLEDVODKA: Listen, lad. I built this thread up from nothing. When I started here, all there was swamp. Other posters said I was daft to build a thread on a swamp, but I posted it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I posted a second one. That thread sank into the swamp. So, I posted a third one. That thread burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest thread in these forums.
SILLYMAN: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--
CHILLEDVODKA: Rather what?!
SILLYMAN: I'd rather... [music] ...just... sing!
CHILLEDVODKA: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest threads of open land in Literotica.
SILLYMAN: B-- but I don't want threads.
CHILLEDVODKA: Listen, Alice,--
SILLYMAN: Sillyman.
CHILLEDVODKA: Sillyman. We live in a bloody forum. We need all the threads we can get.
SILLYMAN: But-- but I don't like her.
CHILLEDVODKA: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' threads!
SILLYMAN: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain,... special... something!
CHILLEDVODKA: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
BUSYBODY: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no. Until I come and get him.
BUSYBODY: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: And you'll come and get him.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Right.
BUSYBODY: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no. Leaving the room.
BUSYBODY: Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff]
CHILLEDVODKA: All right?
BUSYBODY: Right.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Right.
BUSYBODY: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--
CHILLEDVODKA: Yes? What is it?
BUSYBODY: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--
CHILLEDVODKA: Look, it's quite simple.
BUSYBODY: Uh...
CHILLEDVODKA: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Right.
BUSYBODY: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
CHILLEDVODKA: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--
BUSYBODY: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--
BUSYBODY: Until you or anyone else--
CHILLEDVODKA: No, not anyone else. Just me.
BUSYBODY: Just you.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Get back.
BUSYBODY: Get back.
CHILLEDVODKA: All right?
BUSYBODY: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: What?
CHILLEDVODKA: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: The Prince?
CHILLEDVODKA: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: Oh, yes, of course.
PP_MAN: Hic!
BUSYBODY: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
CHILLEDVODKA: Is that clear?
PP_MAN: Hic!
BUSYBODY: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
CHILLEDVODKA: Right. Where are you going?
BUSYBODY: We're coming with you.
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: Oh, I see. Right.
SILLYMAN: But Father!
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Oh, go and get a glass of water. [clank] [scribble scribble scribble fold fold] [twong]
Scene 15
PURPLE HAZE: Well taken, Glamorilla!
GLAMORILLA: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
PURPLE HAZE: And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Glamorilla! [thwonk]
GLAMORILLA: Message for you, sir. [fwump]
PURPLE HAZE: Glamorilla! Glamorilla! Speak to me! 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Thread! Brave, brave Glamorilla, you shall not have died in vain!
GLAMORILLA: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.
PURPLE HAZE: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
GLAMORILLA: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, I see.
GLAMORILLA: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir--
PURPLE HAZE: No, no, sweet Glamorilla! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh]
GLAMORILLA: Idiom, sir?
PURPLE HAZE: Idiom!
GLAMORILLA: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
PURPLE HAZE: Farewell, sweet Glamorilla!
GLAMORILLA: I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah.
Scene 16
[inside castle]
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]
[outside castle]
POSTER #1: 'Morning!
POSTER #2: 'Morning.
POSTER #3: Oooh.
POSTER #1: [ptoo]
PURPLE HAZE: Ha ha! Hiyya!
POSTER #2: Hey!
PURPLE HAZE: Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]
PURPLE HAZE: Ha ha! Huy!
POSTERS: Uuh! Aaah!
PURPLE HAZE: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!...
BUSYBODY: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!
PURPLE HAZE: O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Purple Haze of Literotica. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
SILLYMAN: You got my note!
PURPLE HAZE: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.
SILLYMAN: You've come to rescue me!
PURPLE HAZE: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--
SILLYMAN: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there... [music]
PURPLE HAZE: Well, I--
SILLYMAN: ...there must be... someone...
CHILLEDVODKA: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
SILLYMAN: I'm your son!
CHILLEDVODKA: No, not you.
PURPLE HAZE: Uh, I am Sir Purple Haze, sir.
SILLYMAN: He's come to rescue me, Father.
PURPLE HAZE: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
CHILLEDVODKA: Did you kill all those guards?
PURPLE HAZE: Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.
CHILLEDVODKA: They cost fifty pounds each!
PURPLE HAZE: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.
SILLYMAN: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Purple Haze. I've got a rope all ready.
CHILLEDVODKA: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
PURPLE HAZE: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
CHILLEDVODKA: I can understand that.
SILLYMAN: Hurry, Sir Purple Haze! Hurry!
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
PURPLE HAZE: Well, I really didn't mean to...
CHILLEDVODKA: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
CHILLEDVODKA: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!
PURPLE HAZE: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Literotica, when I got this note, you see--
CHILLEDVODKA: Literotica? Are you from, uh, Literotica?
SILLYMAN: Hurry, Sir Purple Haze!
PURPLE HAZE: Uh, I am a Knight of Ishmael, sir.
CHILLEDVODKA: Very nice castle, Literotica. Uh, very good pig country.
PURPLE HAZE: Is it?
SILLYMAN: Hurry! I'm ready!
CHILLEDVODKA: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
PURPLE HAZE: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...
SILLYMAN: I am ready!
PURPLE HAZE: ...um, I mean to be so understanding. [thonk] Um,... [woosh]
SILLYMAN: Oooh!
PURPLE HAZE: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.
CHILLEDVODKA: Oh, don't worry about that.
SILLYMAN: Oooh! [splat]
Scene 17
POSTERS: [crying]
CHILLEDVODKA: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.
POSTER: There he is!
CHILLEDVODKA: Oh, bloody hell. [exciting music]
PURPLE HAZE: Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!
CHILLEDVODKA: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!
PURPLE HAZE: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.
POSTER #1: He's killed the best man!
POSTERS: [yelling]
CHILLEDVODKA: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Purple Haze from the Court of Literotica, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.
PURPLE HAZE: Hello.
POSTER: He killed my auntie!
POSTERS: [yelling]
CHILLEDVODKA: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Sillyman, has just fallen to his death.
POSTERS: Oh! Oh, no!
CHILLEDVODKA: But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! [clap clap clap] For, since the tragic death of her father--
POSTER #2: He's not quite dead!
CHILLEDVODKA: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
POSTER #2: He's getting better!
CHILLEDVODKA: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.
BRIDE'S FATHER: Uugh!
POSTER #2: Oh, he's died!
CHILLEDVODKA: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense. [clap clap clap] And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Purple Haze of Literotica--
PURPLE HAZE: What?
POSTER #2: Look! The dead Prince!
POSTERS: Oooh! The dead Prince!
GLAMORILLA: He's not quite dead.
SILLYMAN: No, I feel much better.
CHILLEDVODKA: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
SILLYMAN: No, I was saved at the last minute.
CHILLEDVODKA: How?!
SILLYMAN: Well, I'll tell you. [music]
CHILLEDVODKA: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut uuup!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut up!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut up!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
CHILLEDVODKA: Not like that!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
GLAMORILLA: Quickly, sir!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
GLAMORILLA: Come this way!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
PURPLE HAZE: No! It's not right for my idiom!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape...
PURPLE HAZE: I must escape more... [sigh]
POSTERS: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,...
GLAMORILLA: Dramatically, sir?
PURPLE HAZE: Dramatically!
POSTERS: [singing] But he's here with us today...
PURPLE HAZE: Heee! Hoa! [crash] Hoo!
POSTERS: [singing] What a wonderful escape!
PURPLE HAZE: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?
Scene 18
[Ishmael’s Theme Music] [clop clop clop] [rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr!]
ISHMAEL: Mia62! [rewr!] [music stops] Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [dramatic chord]
MIA62: Who sent you?
ISHMAEL: The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
MIA62: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ISHMAEL: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'.
MIA62: Agh! Do your worst!
ISHMAEL: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!
MIA62: No! Never! No shrubberies!
ISHMAEL: Ni!
MIA62: [cough]
TEXAN: Nu!
ISHMAEL: No, no, no, no, i--
TEXAN: Nu!
ISHMAEL: No, it's not that. It's 'ni'.
TEXAN: Nu!
ISHMAEL: No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No.
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL and TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: That's it. That's it. You've got it.
ISHMAEL and TEXAN: Ni!
MIA62: Ohh!
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: Ni!
MIA62: Agh!
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: Ni!
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: Ni!
TEXAN: Ni!
EROSMAN THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?
ISHMAEL: Erm,... yes.
EROSMAN: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this forum. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ISHMAEL: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
EROSMAN: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Erosman the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: No! No, no, no! No!
Scene 19
ISHMAEL: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
RAWHUMOR: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.
ISHMAEL: What is that?
RAWHUMOR: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!
RAWHUMOR: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
RANDOM: Ni!
RAWHUMOR: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ISHMAEL: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'?
RAWHUMOR: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [dramatic chord]
ISHMAEL: Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM: Ni!
RAWHUMOR: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!...
RAWHUMOR: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [dramatic chord]
KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring!
ISHMAEL: We shall do no such thing!
RAWHUMOR: Oh, please!
ISHMAEL: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
RAWHUMOR: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
ISHMAEL: What word?
RAWHUMOR: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ISHMAEL: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
RAWHUMOR: You said it again!
ISHMAEL: What, 'is'?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'.
RAWHUMOR: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.
TEXAN: My liege, it's Sir QuickDuck!
TROLL: [singing] He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ISHMAEL: Sir QuickDuck!
QUICKDUCK: My liege! It's good to see you.
RAWHUMOR: Now he's said the word!
ISHMAEL: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Thread?
TROLL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--
QUICKDUCK: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
RAWHUMOR: He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
QUICKDUCK: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
QUICKDUCK: Uh, here-- here in this forest.
ISHMAEL: No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
RAWHUMOR: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
ISHMAEL: Oh, stop it!
RAWHUMOR: ...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!
ISHMAEL: TB4p!
RAWHUMOR: Wait! I said it! I said it! [clop clop clop] Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!...
Narrative Interlude
LAUREL: And so, Ishmael and Texan and Sir QuickDuck set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty- four. Beyond the forest, they met Purple Haze and Todd-‘o’-Vision, and there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay! [woosh]
LAUREL: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat QuickDuck's trolls.
TROLL: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!
LAUREL: And there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: Yay!
LAUREL: A year passed.
CARTOON CHARACTER: [shivering]
LAUREL: Winter changed into Spring.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Mmm, nice.
LAUREL: Spring changed into Summer.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh. Ahh.
LAUREL: Summer changed back into Winter,...
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh?
LAUREL: ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Aah. [snap] Oh! Waa!
LAUREL: Until one day...
Scene 20
[Ishmael’s Theme Music] [clop clop clop]
[music stops] [boom]
KNIGHTS: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.
ISHMAEL: Knights! Forward! [boom boom boom boom boom] [squeak] [boom boom boom boom] What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
LUKKYKNIGHT: I... am an enchanter.
ISHMAEL: By what name are you known?
LUKKYKNIGHT: There are some who call me... 'LK'?
ISHMAEL: Greetings, LukkyKnight the Enchanter.
LUKKYKNIGHT: Greetings, Ishmael!
ISHMAEL: You know my name?
LUKKYKNIGHT: I do. [zoosh] You seek the Holy Thread!
ISHMAEL: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O LK.
LUKKYKNIGHT: Quite. [pweeng boom] [clap clap clap]
QUICKDUCK: Oh.
ISHMAEL: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Thread. Our quest is to find the Holy Thread.
KNIGHTS: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.
ISHMAEL: And so, we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.
TEXAN: Yes, we are.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Yeah.
QUICKDUCK: We are. We are.
TEXAN: We have been for some time.
QUICKDUCK: Ages.
TEXAN: Umhm.
ISHMAEL: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, can you tell us where-- [boom]
ISHMAEL: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--
LUKKYKNIGHT: A what...?
ISHMAEL: A g-- a-- a g-- a g-- a-- a g--
LUKKYKNIGHT: A Thread?!
ISHMAEL: Yes. I think so.
QUICKDUCK: Y-- y-- yes.
ISHMAEL: Yes.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Yup.
KNIGHTS: That's it...
LUKKYKNIGHT: Yes!
QUICKDUCK: Oh.
ISHMAEL: Oh. Thank you.
QUICKDUCK: Ahh.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh. Fine.
ISHMAEL: Thank you.
QUICKDUCK: Splendid.
KNIGHTS: Aah... [boom pweeng boom boom]
ISHMAEL: Look, um, you're a busy man, uh--
LUKKYKNIGHT: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Thread.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. Oh...
LUKKYKNIGHT: To the north there lies a forum-- the forum of General Board-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged... [boom] ...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Thread.
ISHMAEL: Where could we find this forum, O LK?
LUKKYKNIGHT: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this forum is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
ISHMAEL: What an eccentric performance.
Scene 21
[clop clop clop] [whinny whinny]
TODD-‘O’-VISION: They're nervous, sire.
ISHMAEL: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Behold the forum of General Board!
ISHMAEL: Right! Keep me covered.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What with?
ISHMAEL: W-- just keep me covered.
LUKKYKNIGHT: Too late! [dramatic chord]
ISHMAEL: What?
LUKKYKNIGHT: There he is!
ISHMAEL: Where?
LUKKYKNIGHT: There!
ISHMAEL: What, behind Lancecastor?
LUKKYKNIGHT: It is Lancecastor.
ISHMAEL: You silly sod!
LUKKYKNIGHT: What?
ISHMAEL: You got us all worked up!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Well, that's no ordinary Lancecastor!
ISHMAEL: Ohh.
LUKKYKNIGHT: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered poster you ever set eyes on!
QUICKDUCK: You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Look, that Lancecastor's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Get stuffed!
LUKKYKNIGHT: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh, yeah?
QUICKDUCK: You mangy Scots git!
LUKKYKNIGHT: I'm warning you!
QUICKDUCK: What's he do, nibble your bum?
LUKKYKNIGHT: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ISHMAEL: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One Lancecastor stew comin' right up!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Look! [squeak]
BORS: Aaaugh! [dramatic chord] [clunk]
ISHMAEL: Jesus Christ!
LUKKYKNIGHT: I warned you!
QUICKDUCK: I done it again!
LUKKYKNIGHT: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little poster, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
ISHMAEL: Oh, shut up!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Do they listen to me?
ISHMAEL: Right!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Oh, no...
KNIGHTS: Charge! [squeak squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
ISHMAEL: Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!...
LUKKYKNIGHT: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
ISHMAEL: Right. How many did we lose?
PURPLE HAZE: Gawain.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Ector.
ISHMAEL: And Bors. That's five.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three, sir.
ISHMAEL: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That Lancecastor's dynamite.
QUICKDUCK: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ISHMAEL: Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ISHMAEL: Like what?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well... ooh.
PURPLE HAZE: Have we got bows?
ISHMAEL: No.
PURPLE HAZE: We have KillerMuffin.
ISHMAEL: Yes, of course! The KillerMuffin of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Weird Harold carries with him! Weird Harold! Bring up KillerMuffin!
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
ISHMAEL: How does it, um-- how does it work?
PURPLE HAZE: I know not, my liege.
ISHMAEL: Consult the Book of Armaments!
WEIRD HAROLD: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
DILLINGER: And Saint Attila raised KillerMuffin up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy KillerMuffin that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
WEIRD HAROLD: Skip a bit, Brother.
DILLINGER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou smack the Holy Ass. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy KillerMuffin of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
WEIRD HAROLD: Amen.
KNIGHTS: Amen.
ISHMAEL: Right! One!... Two!... Five!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three, sir!
ISHMAEL: Three! [angels sing] [boom]
Scene 22
ISHMAEL: There! Look!
PURPLE HAZE: What does it say?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What language is that?
ISHMAEL: Weird Harold! You are a scholar.
WEIRD HAROLD: It's Aramaic!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!
PURPLE HAZE: 'Course!
ISHMAEL: What does it say?
WEIRD HAROLD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Thread in the
Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
ISHMAEL: What?
WEIRD HAROLD: '...The Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
TEXAN: What is that?
WEIRD HAROLD: He must have died while carving it.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, come on!
WEIRD HAROLD: Well, that's what it says.
ISHMAEL: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaggh'. He'd just say it!
WEIRD HAROLD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Perhaps he was dictating.
ISHMAEL: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
WEIRD HAROLD: No. Just 'aaaaaagggh'.
PURPLE HAZE: Aaaauugggh.
ISHMAEL: Aaaaaggh.
TEXAN: Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Where's that?
TEXAN: France, I think.
PURPLE HAZE: Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?
ISHMAEL: No, that's 'Saint Ives'.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives.
KNIGHTS: Iiiiives.
TEXAN: Oooohoohohooo!
PURPLE HAZE: No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.
TEXAN: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!
TEXAN: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
ISHMAEL: Oooh!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: My Dixon Carter Lee!
[dramatic chord]
[roar]
WEIRD HAROLD: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh!
[Black Beast of Aaauugh eats WEIRD HAROLD]
TEXAN: That's it! That's it!
ISHMAEL: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
[roar]
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
[roar]
Keep running!
[boom]
[roar]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
TEXAN: We've lost him.
[roar]
KNIGHTS: Aagh!
LAUREL: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Ishmael and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.
ANIMATOR: Ulk!
[thump]
LAUREL: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Thread could continue.
Scene 23
[gurgle]
TODD-‘O’-VISION: There it is!
ISHMAEL: The Bridge of Death!
QUICKDUCK: Oh, great.
ISHMAEL: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!
TEXAN: What is he doing here?
ISHMAEL: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three questions.
ISHMAEL: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three questions.
ISHMAEL: Three questions may cross in safety.
QUICKDUCK: What if you get a question wrong?
ISHMAEL: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
QUICKDUCK: Oh, I won't go.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Who's going to answer the questions?
ISHMAEL: Sir QuickDuck!
QUICKDUCK: Yes?
ISHMAEL: Brave Sir QuickDuck, you go.
QUICKDUCK: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Purple Haze go?
PURPLE HAZE: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
ISHMAEL: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three questions.
ISHMAEL: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
PURPLE HAZE: I understand, my liege.
ISHMAEL: Good luck, brave Sir Purple Haze. Dixon Carter Lee be with you.
SINTHYSIST: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
PURPLE HAZE: Ask me the questions, SINthysist. I am not afraid.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your name?
PURPLE HAZE: My name is 'Sir Purple Haze of Literotica'.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your quest?
PURPLE HAZE: To seek the Holy Thread.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your favourite colour?
PURPLE HAZE: Blue.
SINTHYSIST: Right. Off you go.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
QUICKDUCK: That's easy!
SINTHYSIST: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
QUICKDUCK: Ask me the questions, SINthysist. I'm not afraid.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your name?
QUICKDUCK: 'Sir QuickDuck of Literotica'.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your quest?
QUICKDUCK: To seek the Holy Thread.
SINTHYSIST: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
QUICKDUCK: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
SINTHYSIST: Stop! What... is your name?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: 'Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision of Literotica'.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your quest?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I seek the Thread.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your favourite colour?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
SINTHYSIST: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
ISHMAEL: It is 'Ishmael', King of the Literoticans.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your quest?
ISHMAEL: To seek the Holy Thread.
SINTHYSIST: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ISHMAEL: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
SINTHYSIST: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
TEXAN: How do know so much about swallows?
ISHMAEL: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
[suspenseful music]
[music suddenly stops]
[intermission]
[suspenseful music resumes]
Scene 24
ISHMAEL: Purple Haze! Purple Haze! Purple Haze!
TEXAN: Purple Haze! Purple Haze!
ISHMAEL: Purple Haze! [police radio] Purple Haze!
TEXAN: Purple Haze! Purple Haze!
[angels sing]
[singing stops]
[ethereal music]
ISHMAEL: The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! Dixon Carter Lee be praised! Almighty Dixon Carter Lee, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy-- [twong] [baaaa] Jesus Christ! [thud]
PROBLEM CHILD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Ishmael King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
ISHMAEL: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Literotica, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Dixon Carter Lee Himself has guided us!
PROBLEM CHILD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ISHMAEL: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
PROBLEM CHILD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ISHMAEL: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of Dixon Carter Lee and the glory of our-- [splat]
FRENCH GUARDS: [laughing]
ISHMAEL: Agh. Right! That settles it!
PROBLEM CHILD: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
ISHMAEL: Walk away. Just ignore them.
PROBLEM CHILD: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
ISHMAEL: We shall attack at once!
TEXAN: Yes, my liege!
ISHMAEL: Stand by for attack! [exciting music] [music stops] [silence] French persons!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting] ...Dappy!...
ISHMAEL: Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of Dixon Carter Lee,...
FRENCH GUARDS: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
ISHMAEL: ...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Thread returns to those whom Dixon Carter Lee has chosen!
FRENCH GUARDS: ...Ha ha ha!...
ISHMAEL: Charge!
ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Hooray!
[police siren]
MARKSGIRL: Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
MANU: Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
MODERATOR #1: All right. Come on. Back.
MARKSGIRL: Get that one.
MODERATOR #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
MANU: Put this man in the van.
MODERATOR #1: Clear off. Come on.
TEXAN: With whom?
MANU: Which one?
MODERATOR #1: Oh-- this one.
MANU: Come on. Put him in the van.
MODERATOR #2: Get a blanket.
MODERATOR #1: We have no hospital.
RANDOM: Ahh.
[squeak]
RANDOM: Ooh.
MODERATOR #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
MODERATOR #2: Run along! Run along!
MODERATOR #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
MODERATOR #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
MANU: Everything?
[squeak]
MODERATOR #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
[crash]
HEAVYSTICK: Jesus Tap Dancing Christ
This is for fun, not a personal attack.
Some of the Characters are fitting of Lit members, some are not.
Read and Enjoy.
Please try to notice the little changes.
Great effort was put into this, if you can do better please do and post it.
I now present to you.
Ishmael's Quest for the Holy Thread.
The General Board and the Holy Thread
The Cast:
KING ARTHUR Ishmael
PATSY TB4p
SOLDIER #1 Gunner Dailey
SOLDIER #2 bknight2602
CART MASTER zipman7
CUSTOMER miles
DEAD PERSON Troll
DENNIS Redwave
WOMAN DonkeyDick
BLACK KNIGHT Hanns_Schmidt
GREEN KNIGHT LordLucan74
LEAD MONK Poster who starts a thread
VILLAGER #1 Any Poster
VILLAGER #2 Any Poster
SIR BEDEVERE Texan
WITCH lavender
VILLAGER #3 Any Poster
VILLAGER #4 Any Poster
NARRATOR Laurel
PAGE TURNER Moderator
SIR LAUNCELOT Purple Haze
SIR GALAHAD Todd-‘o’-Vision
SIR ROBIN QuickDuck
SIR NOT-APPEARING... Any Poster <100 posts
PRISONER Any Poster
MAN Any Poster
GOD Dixon Carter Lee
FRENCH GUARD Problem Child
HISTORIAN #1tankcomander
KNIGHT Any Noble Poster
HISTORIAN'S WIFE marksgirl
MINSTREL Troll (Pick one)
LEFT HEAD Aquila
MIDDLE HEAD Bob_Bytchin
RIGHT HEAD SilvaTungDevil
ZOOT Nora
PIGLET Ginny
WINSTON Rubyfruit
DINGO Mischka
OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER SINthysist
TIM THE ENCHANTER LukkyKnight
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI RawHumor
CARTOON CHARACTER Self
FATHER ChilledVodka
PRINCE HERBERT Sillyman
GUARD #1 busybody
GUARD #2 pp_man
CONCORDE Glamorilla
GUEST #1 Any Poster
GUEST #2 Any Poster
OLD CRONE Mia62
ROGER THE SHRUBBER erosman
OFFICER #1 Moderator
INSPECTOR Manu
RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG Lancecastor
BROTHER MAYNARD Weird Harold
SECOND BROTHER Dillinger
ANIMATOR Self
Scene 1
[opening music] [wind] [clop clop clop]
ISHMAEL: Whoa there! [clop clop clop]
GUNNER DAILEY: Halt! Who goes there?
ISHMAEL: It is I, Ishmael, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Literotica. King of the Literoticans, defeater of the Trolls, Sovereign of all Sanity!
GUNNER DAILEY: Pull the other one!
ISHMAEL: I am,... and this is my trusty servant TB4p. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Literotica. I must speak with your lord and master.
GUNNER DAILEY: What? Ridden on a horse?
ISHMAEL: Yes!
GUNNER DAILEY: You're using coconuts!
ISHMAEL: What?
GUNNER DAILEY: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ISHMAEL: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of the Internet, through-
GUNNER DAILEY: Where'd you get the coconuts?
ISHMAEL: We found them.
GUNNER DAILEY: Found them? In the Internet? The coconut's tropical!
ISHMAEL: What do you mean?
GUNNER DAILEY: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ISHMAEL: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
GUNNER DAILEY: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ISHMAEL: Not at all. They could be carried.
GUNNER DAILEY: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ISHMAEL: It could grip it by the husk!
GUNNER DAILEY: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ISHMAEL: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Ishmael from the Court of Literotica is here?
GUNNER DAILEY: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ISHMAEL: Please!
GUNNER DAILEY: Am I right?
ISHMAEL: I'm not interested!
BKNIGHT2602: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUNNER DAILEY: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
BKNIGHT2602: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ISHMAEL: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Literotica?!
GUNNER DAILEY: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
BKNIGHT2602: Oh, yeah.
GUNNER DAILEY: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
BKNIGHT2602: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUNNER DAILEY: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
BKNIGHT2602: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUNNER DAILEY: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
BKNIGHT2602: Well, why not?
Scene 2
[thud]
[clang]
ZIPMAN7: Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [cough cough...] [clang] [...cough cough] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! Ninepence. [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out your trolls! [clang] Bring out...
[rewr!](Cat is getting slapped of a wall in the background) ...your trolls! [rewr!] [clang] Bring out your trolls!
MILES: Here's one.
ZIPMAN7: Ninepence.
TROLL: I'm not dead!
ZIPMAN7: What?
MILES: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
TROLL: I'm not dead!
ZIPMAN7: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!
MILES: Yes, he is.
TROLL: I'm not!
ZIPMAN7: He isn't?
MILES: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
TROLL: I'm getting better!
MILES: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
ZIPMAN7: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
TROLL: I don't want to go on the cart!
MILES: Oh, don't be such a baby.
ZIPMAN7: I can't take him.
TROLL: I feel fine!
MILES: Well, do us a favour.
ZIPMAN7: I can't.
MILES: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
ZIPMAN7: No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
MILES: Well, when's your next round?
ZIPMAN7: Thursday.
TROLL: I think I'll go for a walk.
MILES: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?
TROLL: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy. [whop on troll’s head]
MILES: Ah, thanks very much.
ZIPMAN7: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
MILES: Right. All right. [howl] [clop clop clop] Who's that, then?
ZIPMAN7: I dunno. Must be Ishmael.
MILES: Why?
ZIPMAN7: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Scene 3
[thud] [Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[thud thud thud] [Ishmael’s Theme Music stops]
ISHMAEL: Old woman!
REDWAVE: Man!
ISHMAEL: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
REDWAVE: I'm thirty-seven.
ISHMAEL: I-- what?
REDWAVE: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
ISHMAEL: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
REDWAVE: Well, you could say 'Redwave'.
ISHMAEL: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Redwave'.
REDWAVE: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ISHMAEL: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
REDWAVE: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ISHMAEL: Well, I am King!
REDWAVE: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
DONKEYDICK: Redwave, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
ISHMAEL: How do you do, good lady? I am Ishmael, King of the Literoticans. Whose castle is that?
DONKEYDICK: King of the who?
ISHMAEL: The Literoticans.
DONKEYDICK: Who are the Literoticans?
ISHMAEL: Well, we all are. We are all Literoticans, and I am your king.
DONKEYDICK: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
REDWAVE: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
DONKEYDICK: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
REDWAVE: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
ISHMAEL: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
DONKEYDICK: No one lives there.
ISHMAEL: Then who is your lord?
DONKEYDICK: We don't have a lord.
ISHMAEL: What?
REDWAVE: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...
ISHMAEL: Yes.
REDWAVE: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
ISHMAEL: Yes, I see.
REDWAVE: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
ISHMAEL: Be quiet!
REDWAVE: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
ISHMAEL: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
DONKEYDICK: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
ISHMAEL: I am your king!
DONKEYDICK: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ISHMAEL: You don't vote for kings.
DONKEYDICK: Well, how did you become King, then?
ISHMAEL: The Lady of the Lake,.[angels sing]..her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Ishmael, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
REDWAVE: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ISHMAEL: Be quiet!
REDWAVE: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ISHMAEL: Shut up!
REDWAVE: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ISHMAEL: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
REDWAVE: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ISHMAEL: Shut up!
REDWAVE: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
ISHMAEL: Bloody peasant!
REDWAVE: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it,
didn't you?
Scene 4
[Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[music stops]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aaaagh!
[Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[music stops]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aaagh!
LORDLUCAN74: Ooh!
[Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[music stops] [stab]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aagh!
LORDLUCAN74: Oh! [Ishmael’s Theme Music] Ooh! Uuh. [music stops]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aaaagh!
[clang]
HANNS_SCHMIDT and LORDLUCAN74: Agh!, oh!, etc.
LORDLUCAN74: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! [woosh] [HANNS_SCHMIDT kills LORDLUCAN74]
[thud] [scrape]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Umm!
[clop clop clop]
ISHMAEL: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause] I am Ishmael, King of the Literoticans.
[pause] I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Literotica.
[pause] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, TB4p.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: None shall pass.
ISHMAEL: What?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: None shall pass.
ISHMAEL: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Then you shall die.
ISHMAEL: I command you, as King of the Literoticans, to stand aside!
HANNS_SCHMIDT: I move for no man.
ISHMAEL: So be it!
ISHMAEL and HANNS_SCHMIDT: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc. [ISHMAEL chops the HANNS_SCHMIDT's left arm off]
ISHMAEL: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ISHMAEL: A scratch? Your arm's off!
HANNS_SCHMIDT: No, it isn't.
ISHMAEL: Well, what's that, then?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: I've had worse.
ISHMAEL: You liar!
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Come on, you pansy! [clang] Huyah! [clang] Hiyaah! [clang] Aaaaaaaah! [ISHMAEL chops the HANNS_SCHMIDT's right arm off]
ISHMAEL: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Hah! [kick] Come on, then.
ISHMAEL: What?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Have at you! [kick]
ISHMAEL: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ISHMAEL: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Yes, I have.
ISHMAEL: Look!
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Just a flesh wound. [kick]
ISHMAEL: Look, stop that.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Chicken! [kick] Chickennn!
ISHMAEL: Look, I'll have your leg. [kick] Right! [whop] [ISHMAEL chops the HANNS_SCHMIDT's right leg off]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Right. I'll do you for that!
ISHMAEL: You'll what?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Come here!
ISHMAEL: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
HANNS_SCHMIDT: I'm invincible!
ISHMAEL: You're a looney.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: The Hanns_Schmidt always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then. [whop] [ISHMAEL chops the HANNS_SCHMIDT's last leg off]
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.
ISHMAEL: Come, TB4p.
HANNS_SCHMIDT: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
Scene 5
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. [bonk](Hitting themselves in the head with a borad) Pie Iesu domine,... [bonk] ...dona eis requiem. [bonk] Pie Iesu domine,... [bonk] ...dona eis requiem.
GENERAL BOARD: A bitch! A bitch! [bonk] A bitch! A bitch!
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...
GENERAL BOARD: A bitch! A bitch! A bitch! A bitch! We've found a bitch! A bitch! A bitch! A bitch! A bitch! We've got a bitch! A bitch! A bitch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a bitch! We've found a bitch! A bitch! A bitch! A bitch!
POSTER #1: We have found a bitch. May we burn her?
GENERAL BOARD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
TEXAN: How do you know she is a bitch?
POSTER #2: She looks like one.
GENERAL BOARD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
TEXAN: Bring her forward.
LAVENDER: I'm not a bitch. I'm not a bitch.
TEXAN: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
LAVENDER: They dressed me up like this.
GENERAL BOARD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
LAVENDER: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
TEXAN: Well?
POSTER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
TEXAN: The nose?
POSTER #1: And the hat, but she is a bitch!
POSTER #2: Yeah!
GENERAL BOARD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
TEXAN: Did you dress her up like this?
POSTER #1: No!
POSTER #2 and 3: No. No.
POSTER #2: No.
POSTER #1: No.
POSTERS #2 and #3: No.
POSTER #1: Yes.
POSTER #2: Yes.
POSTER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
POSTER #3: A bit.
POSTERS #1 and #2: A bit.
POSTER #3: A bit.
POSTER #1: She has got a wart.
RANDOM: [cough]
TEXAN: What makes you think she is a bitch?
POSTER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
TEXAN: A newt?
POSTER #3: I got better.
POSTER #2: Burn her anyway!
POSTER #1: Burn!
GENERAL BOARD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
TEXAN: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a bitch.
POSTER #1: Are there?
POSTER #2: Ah?
POSTER #1: What are they?
GENERAL BOARD: Tell us! Tell us!...
TEXAN: Tell me. What do you do with bitches?
POSTER #2: Burn!
POSTER #1: Burn!
GENERAL BOARD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
TEXAN: And what do you burn apart from bitches?
POSTER #1: More bitches!
POSTER #3: Shh!
POSTER #2: Wood!
TEXAN: So, why do bitches burn? [pause]
POSTER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
TEXAN: Good! Heh heh.
GENERAL BOARD: Oh, yeah. Oh.
TEXAN: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
POSTER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
TEXAN: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
POSTER #1: Oh, yeah.
RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
TEXAN: Does wood sink in water?
POSTER #1: No. No.
POSTER #2: No, it floats! It floats!
POSTER #1: Throw her into the pond!
GENERAL BOARD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!
TEXAN: What also floats in water?
POSTER #1: Bread!
POSTER #2: Apples!
POSTER #3: Uh, very small rocks!
POSTER #1: Cider!
POSTER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!
POSTER #1: Cherries!
POSTER #2: Mud!
POSTER #3: Uh, churches! Churches!
POSTER #2: Lead! Lead!
ISHMAEL: A duck!
GENERAL BOARD: Oooh.
TEXAN: Exactly. So, logically...
POSTER #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
TEXAN: And therefore?
POSTER #2: A bitch!
POSTER #1: A bitch!
GENERAL BOARD: A bitch! A bitch!...
POSTER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck. [quack quack quack]
TEXAN: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
GENERAL BOARD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the bitch! Burn the bitch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
TEXAN: Right. Remove the supports! [whop] [clunk] [creak]
GENERAL BOARD: A bitch! A bitch! A bitch!
LAVENDER: It's a fair cop.
POSTER #3: Burn her!
GENERAL BOARD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...
TEXAN: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ISHMAEL: I am Ishmael, King of the Literoticans.
TEXAN: My liege!
ISHMAEL: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Literotica and join us at the Round Table?
TEXAN: My liege! I would be honored.
ISHMAEL: What is your name?
TEXAN: 'Texan', my liege.
ISHMAEL: Then I dub you 'Sir Texan, Knight of the Round Table'.
Narrative Interlude
LAUREL: The wise Sir Texan was the first to join Ishmael's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Purple Haze the Brave, Sir Todd-’o’-Vision the Pure, and Sir QuickDuck the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir Purple Haze, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not-posting-in-this-thread. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table.
Scene 6
[clop clop clop]
TEXAN: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
ISHMAEL: This new learning amazes me, Sir Texan. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
TEXAN: Oh, certainly, sir.
PURPLE HAZE: Look, my liege! [trumpets]
ISHMAEL: Literotica!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Literotica!
PURPLE HAZE: Literotica!
TB4P: It's only a forum.
ISHMAEL: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Literotica! [in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS: [singing]
We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Literotica.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
[dancing]
We're Knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're opera mad in Literotica.
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
[in dungeon]
PRISONER: [clap clap clap clap]
[in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS: [tap-dancing]
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Literotica.
POSTER: I have to bump the thread a lot.
[outdoors]
ISHMAEL: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Literotica. It is a silly place.
KNIGHTS: Right. Right.
Scene 7
[clop clop clop] [boom boom] [angels sing]
DIXON CARTER LEE: Ishmael! Ishmael, King of the Literoticans! Oh, don't grovel! [singing stops] One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ISHMAEL: Sorry. [boom]
DIXON CARTER LEE: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. [boom] What are you doing now?!
ISHMAEL: I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.
DIXON CARTER LEE: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!
ISHMAEL: Yes, Lord.
DIXON CARTER LEE: Right! Ishmael, King of the Literoticans, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ISHMAEL: Good idea, O Lord!
DIXON CARTER LEE: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! [angels sing] Ishmael, this is the Holy Thread. Look well, Ishmael, for it is your sacred task to seek this thread. That is your purpose, Ishmael: the quest for the Holy Thread. [boom] [singing stops]
PURPLE HAZE: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Dixon Carter Lee be praised!
Scene 8
[Ishmael’s Theme Music]
[clop clop clop]
ISHMAEL: Halt! [horn] Hallo! [pause] Hallo!
PROBLEM CHILD: Allo! Who is eet?
ISHMAEL: It is Ishmael, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Who's castle is this?
PROBLEM CHILD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ISHMAEL: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Dixon Carter Lee with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Thread.
PROBLEM CHILD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ISHMAEL: What?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: He says they've already got one!
ISHMAEL: Are you sure he's got one?
PROBLEM CHILD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]
ISHMAEL: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
PROBLEM CHILD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ISHMAEL: Well, what are you, then?
PROBLEM CHILD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What are you doing in England?
PROBLEM CHILD: Mind your own business!
ISHMAEL: If you will not show us the Thread, we shall take your castle by force!
PROBLEM CHILD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Ishmael King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What a strange person.
ISHMAEL: Now look here, my good man--
PROBLEM CHILD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
PROBLEM CHILD: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff]
ISHMAEL: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
PROBLEM CHILD: (Fetchez la vache.)
OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi?
PROBLEM CHILD: (Fetchez la vache!)
[mooo]
ISHMAEL: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong] [mooooooo](Large cow is airborne headed for the Knights and King Ishmael) Jesus Christ!
KNIGHTS: Christ! [thud] Ah! Ohh!...
ISHMAEL: Right! Charge!
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[mayhem]
PROBLEM CHILD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
[mayhem]
PROBLEM CHILD: And this one's for your dad!
ISHMAEL: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
PROBLEM CHILD: Thppppt!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
PURPLE HAZE: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ISHMAEL: No, no. No, no.
TEXAN: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later] [wind blows] [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw(trees being cut)] [clunk] [bang] [rewr!] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak] [rrrr rrrr rrrr] [drilllll] [sawwwww] [clunk] [crash] [clang] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [creak]
FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here... [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [clllank]
ISHMAEL: What happens now?
TEXAN: Well, now, uh, Purple Haze, Todd-‘o’-Vision, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ISHMAEL: Who leaps out?
TEXAN: U-- u-- uh, Purple Haze, Todd-‘o’-Vision, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...
ISHMAEL: Ohh.
TEXAN: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger-- [clank(hit on head)] [twong(Wooden Rabbit is Airborne heading for the crusade)]
ISHMAEL: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[CRASH]
FRENCH GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
Scene 9
[clack]
VOICE: Picture for Schools, take eight.
LAUREL: Action!
#1TANKCOMANDER: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened Ishmael. The ferocity of the Problem Child taunting took him completely by surprise, and Ishmael became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Thread were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Ishmael, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Thread individually. [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Purple Haze--
KNIGHT: Aaaah! [slash] [KNIGHT kills #1TANKCOMANDER]
MARKSGIRL: Frank!
Scene 10
[trumpets]
LAUREL: The Tale of Sir QuickDuck. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir QuickDuck rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite trolls.
TROLL: [singing] Bravely bold Sir QuickDuck rode forth from Literotica.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir QuickDuck.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir QuickDuck!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir QuickDuck!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
QUICKDUCK: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
REDWAVE: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
DONKEYDICK: Oh, Redwave, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
TROLL: [singing] He is brave Sir QuickDuck, brave Sir QuickDuck, who--
QUICKDUCK: Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
TROLL: [singing] To fight and--
QUICKDUCK: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
QUICKDUCK: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
QUICKDUCK: I am.
AQUILA: In that case, I shall have to kill you.
BOB_BYTCHIN: Shall I?
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, I don't think so.
BOB_BYTCHIN: Well, what do I think?
AQUILA: I think kill him.
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, let's be nice to him.
AQUILA: Oh, shut up.
QUICKDUCK: Perhaps I could--
AQUILA: And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, cut your own head off!
BOB_BYTCHIN: Yes, do us all a favour!
AQUILA: What?
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Yapping on all the time.
BOB_BYTCHIN: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
AQUILA: What do you mean?
BOB_BYTCHIN: You snore!
AQUILA: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
BOB_BYTCHIN: Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.
AQUILA: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
BOB_BYTCHIN: Yes.
SILVATUNGDEVIL: Oh, not biscuits.
AQUILA: All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS: Right!
BOB_BYTCHIN: He buggered off.
SILVATUNGDEVIL: So he has. He's scarpered.
TROLL: [singing] Brave Sir QuickDuck ran away,
QUICKDUCK: No!
TROLL: [singing] Bravely ran away, away.
QUICKDUCK: I didn't!
TROLL: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
QUICKDUCK: No!
TROLL: [singing] Yes, brave Sir QuickDuck turned about
QUICKDUCK: I didn't!
TROLL: [singing] And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
QUICKDUCK: I never did!
TROLL: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat,
QUICKDUCK: All lies!
TROLL: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir QuickDuck.
QUICKDUCK: I never!
Scene 11
[trumpets]
LAUREL: The Tale of Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision. [boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom] [angels singing] [howl] [boom] [howl] [boom] [pound pound pound]
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of Ishmael, open the door!
[creak] [thump] [creak] [boom]
GIRLS: Hello!
NORA: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: The Castle Anthrax?
NORA: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: You are the keepers of the Holy Thread?
NORA: The what?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: The Thread. It is here.
NORA: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Rubyfruit! Freya2!
RUBYFRUIT and FREYA2: Yes, O Nora?
NORA: Prepare a bed for our guest.
RUBYFRUIT and FREYA2: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
NORA: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well, look, I-- I, uh--
NORA: What is your name, handsome knight?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: 'Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision... the Chaste'.
NORA: Mine is 'Nora'. Just 'Nora'. Oh, but come.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, please! In Dixon Carter Lee's name, show me the Thread!
NORA: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--
NORA: Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well, I-- I, uh--
NORA: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between eighteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.
NORA: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. [clap clap]
GINNY: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: They're doctors?!
NORA: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: B-- but--
NORA: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Ginny! Doctor Winston! Practise your art.
WINSTON: Try to relax.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
GINNY: We must examine you.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: There's nothing wrong with that!
GINNY: Please. We are doctors.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.
GINNY: Back to your bed! At once!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Thread!
GINNY: There's no Thread here.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I have seen it! I have seen it! [clank] I have seen--
GIRLS: Hello.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh.
GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Nora!
MISCHKA: No, I am Nora's identical twin sister, Mischka.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
MISCHKA: Where are you going?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I seek the Thread! I have seen it, here in this castle!
MISCHKA: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Nora!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well, what is it?
MISCHKA: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Nora! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is Thread-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: It's not the real Thread?
MISCHKA: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Nora! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.
AQUILA: At least ours was better visually.
REDWAVE: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.
SINTHYSIST: Get on with it.
LUKKYKNIGHT: Yes, get on with it!
GENERAL BOARD: Yes, get on with it!
MISCHKA: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
DIXON CARTER LEE: Get on with it!
MISCHKA: [sigh] [clunk] Oh, wicked, wicked Nora. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Thread-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
FREYA2: A spanking! A spanking!
MISCHKA: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
RUBYFRUIT: And spank me.
NORA: And me.
FREYA2: And me.
MISCHKA: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
CYBERGIRLY1989: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
MISCHKA: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: The oral sex! The oral sex!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
PURPLE HAZE: Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh, hello.
PURPLE HAZE: Quick!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What?
PURPLE HAZE: Quick!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Why?
PURPLE HAZE: You are in great peril!
MISCHKA: No, he isn't.
PURPLE HAZE: Silence, foul temptress!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: You know, she's got a point.
PURPLE HAZE: Come on! We will cover your escape!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, I'm fine!
PURPLE HAZE: Come on!
GIRLS: Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
MISCHKA: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
PURPLE HAZE: No, Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision. Come on!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
MISCHKA: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
PURPLE HAZE: No. Quick! Quick!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
MISCHKA: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily [boom]
MISCHKA: Oh, shit.
PURPLE HAZE: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I don't think I was.
PURPLE HAZE: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
PURPLE HAZE: No, it's too perilous.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
PURPLE HAZE: No, we've got to find the Holy Thread. Come on!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
PURPLE HAZE: No. It's unhealthy.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I bet you're gay.
PURPLE HAZE: No, I'm not.
Narrative Interlude
LAUREL: Sir Purple Haze had saved Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Thread. Meanwhile, Ishmael and Sir Texan, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
GENERAL BOARD: Get on with it!
LAUREL: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Ishmael discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!
Scene 12
SINTHYSIST: Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha...
ISHMAEL: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Thread?
SINTHYSIST: ...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha...
ISHMAEL: Where does he live?
SINTHYSIST: ...Heh heh heh heh...
ISHMAEL: Old man, where does he live?
SINTHYSIST: ...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
ISHMAEL: And the Thread. The Thread is there?
SINTHYSIST: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
ISHMAEL: But the Thread! Where is the Thread?!
SINTHYSIST: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ISHMAEL: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Thread?
SINTHYSIST: Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha ha...
Scene 13
[spooky music]
[music stops]
RAWHUMOR: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ISHMAEL: Who are you?
RAWHUMOR: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM: Ni!
ISHMAEL: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
RAWHUMOR: The same!
TEXAN: Who are they?
RAWHUMOR: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
RANDOM: Neee-wom!
ISHMAEL: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
RAWHUMOR: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.
ISHMAEL: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
RAWHUMOR: Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ISHMAEL: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
RAWHUMOR: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ISHMAEL: Well, what is it you want?
RAWHUMOR: We want... a shrubbery! [dramatic chord]
ISHMAEL: A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ISHMAEL and PARTY: Ow! Oh!
ISHMAEL: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
RAWHUMOR: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.
ISHMAEL: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
RAWHUMOR: One that looks nice.
ISHMAEL: Of course.
RAWHUMOR: And not too expensive.
ISHMAEL: Yes.
RAWHUMOR: Now... go!
Scene 14
LAUREL: The Tale of Sir Purple Haze.
CHILLEDVODKA: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
SILLYMAN: What, the curtains?
CHILLEDVODKA: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and threads of this forum! This'll be your kingdom, lad.
SILLYMAN: But Mother--
CHILLEDVODKA: Father, lad. Father.
SILLYMAN: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.
CHILLEDVODKA: Listen, lad. I built this thread up from nothing. When I started here, all there was swamp. Other posters said I was daft to build a thread on a swamp, but I posted it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I posted a second one. That thread sank into the swamp. So, I posted a third one. That thread burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest thread in these forums.
SILLYMAN: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--
CHILLEDVODKA: Rather what?!
SILLYMAN: I'd rather... [music] ...just... sing!
CHILLEDVODKA: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest threads of open land in Literotica.
SILLYMAN: B-- but I don't want threads.
CHILLEDVODKA: Listen, Alice,--
SILLYMAN: Sillyman.
CHILLEDVODKA: Sillyman. We live in a bloody forum. We need all the threads we can get.
SILLYMAN: But-- but I don't like her.
CHILLEDVODKA: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' threads!
SILLYMAN: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain,... special... something!
CHILLEDVODKA: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
BUSYBODY: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no. Until I come and get him.
BUSYBODY: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: And you'll come and get him.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Right.
BUSYBODY: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no. Leaving the room.
BUSYBODY: Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff]
CHILLEDVODKA: All right?
BUSYBODY: Right.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Right.
BUSYBODY: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--
CHILLEDVODKA: Yes? What is it?
BUSYBODY: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--
CHILLEDVODKA: Look, it's quite simple.
BUSYBODY: Uh...
CHILLEDVODKA: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Right.
BUSYBODY: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
CHILLEDVODKA: N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--
BUSYBODY: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--
BUSYBODY: Until you or anyone else--
CHILLEDVODKA: No, not anyone else. Just me.
BUSYBODY: Just you.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Get back.
BUSYBODY: Get back.
CHILLEDVODKA: All right?
BUSYBODY: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: What?
CHILLEDVODKA: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: The Prince?
CHILLEDVODKA: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: Oh, yes, of course.
PP_MAN: Hic!
BUSYBODY: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
CHILLEDVODKA: Is that clear?
PP_MAN: Hic!
BUSYBODY: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
CHILLEDVODKA: Right. Where are you going?
BUSYBODY: We're coming with you.
CHILLEDVODKA: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
BUSYBODY: Oh, I see. Right.
SILLYMAN: But Father!
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!
PP_MAN: Hic!
CHILLEDVODKA: Oh, go and get a glass of water. [clank] [scribble scribble scribble fold fold] [twong]
Scene 15
PURPLE HAZE: Well taken, Glamorilla!
GLAMORILLA: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
PURPLE HAZE: And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Glamorilla! [thwonk]
GLAMORILLA: Message for you, sir. [fwump]
PURPLE HAZE: Glamorilla! Glamorilla! Speak to me! 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Thread! Brave, brave Glamorilla, you shall not have died in vain!
GLAMORILLA: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.
PURPLE HAZE: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
GLAMORILLA: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, I see.
GLAMORILLA: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir--
PURPLE HAZE: No, no, sweet Glamorilla! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh]
GLAMORILLA: Idiom, sir?
PURPLE HAZE: Idiom!
GLAMORILLA: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
PURPLE HAZE: Farewell, sweet Glamorilla!
GLAMORILLA: I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah.
Scene 16
[inside castle]
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]
[outside castle]
POSTER #1: 'Morning!
POSTER #2: 'Morning.
POSTER #3: Oooh.
POSTER #1: [ptoo]
PURPLE HAZE: Ha ha! Hiyya!
POSTER #2: Hey!
PURPLE HAZE: Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]
PURPLE HAZE: Ha ha! Huy!
POSTERS: Uuh! Aaah!
PURPLE HAZE: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!...
BUSYBODY: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!
PURPLE HAZE: O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Purple Haze of Literotica. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
SILLYMAN: You got my note!
PURPLE HAZE: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.
SILLYMAN: You've come to rescue me!
PURPLE HAZE: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--
SILLYMAN: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there... [music]
PURPLE HAZE: Well, I--
SILLYMAN: ...there must be... someone...
CHILLEDVODKA: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
SILLYMAN: I'm your son!
CHILLEDVODKA: No, not you.
PURPLE HAZE: Uh, I am Sir Purple Haze, sir.
SILLYMAN: He's come to rescue me, Father.
PURPLE HAZE: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
CHILLEDVODKA: Did you kill all those guards?
PURPLE HAZE: Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.
CHILLEDVODKA: They cost fifty pounds each!
PURPLE HAZE: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.
SILLYMAN: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Purple Haze. I've got a rope all ready.
CHILLEDVODKA: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
PURPLE HAZE: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
CHILLEDVODKA: I can understand that.
SILLYMAN: Hurry, Sir Purple Haze! Hurry!
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
PURPLE HAZE: Well, I really didn't mean to...
CHILLEDVODKA: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
CHILLEDVODKA: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!
PURPLE HAZE: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Literotica, when I got this note, you see--
CHILLEDVODKA: Literotica? Are you from, uh, Literotica?
SILLYMAN: Hurry, Sir Purple Haze!
PURPLE HAZE: Uh, I am a Knight of Ishmael, sir.
CHILLEDVODKA: Very nice castle, Literotica. Uh, very good pig country.
PURPLE HAZE: Is it?
SILLYMAN: Hurry! I'm ready!
CHILLEDVODKA: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
PURPLE HAZE: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...
SILLYMAN: I am ready!
PURPLE HAZE: ...um, I mean to be so understanding. [thonk] Um,... [woosh]
SILLYMAN: Oooh!
PURPLE HAZE: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.
CHILLEDVODKA: Oh, don't worry about that.
SILLYMAN: Oooh! [splat]
Scene 17
POSTERS: [crying]
CHILLEDVODKA: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.
POSTER: There he is!
CHILLEDVODKA: Oh, bloody hell. [exciting music]
PURPLE HAZE: Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!
CHILLEDVODKA: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!
PURPLE HAZE: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.
POSTER #1: He's killed the best man!
POSTERS: [yelling]
CHILLEDVODKA: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Purple Haze from the Court of Literotica, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.
PURPLE HAZE: Hello.
POSTER: He killed my auntie!
POSTERS: [yelling]
CHILLEDVODKA: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Sillyman, has just fallen to his death.
POSTERS: Oh! Oh, no!
CHILLEDVODKA: But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! [clap clap clap] For, since the tragic death of her father--
POSTER #2: He's not quite dead!
CHILLEDVODKA: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
POSTER #2: He's getting better!
CHILLEDVODKA: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.
BRIDE'S FATHER: Uugh!
POSTER #2: Oh, he's died!
CHILLEDVODKA: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense. [clap clap clap] And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Purple Haze of Literotica--
PURPLE HAZE: What?
POSTER #2: Look! The dead Prince!
POSTERS: Oooh! The dead Prince!
GLAMORILLA: He's not quite dead.
SILLYMAN: No, I feel much better.
CHILLEDVODKA: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
SILLYMAN: No, I was saved at the last minute.
CHILLEDVODKA: How?!
SILLYMAN: Well, I'll tell you. [music]
CHILLEDVODKA: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut uuup!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut up!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
CHILLEDVODKA: Shut up!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
CHILLEDVODKA: Not like that!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
GLAMORILLA: Quickly, sir!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
GLAMORILLA: Come this way!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
PURPLE HAZE: No! It's not right for my idiom!
POSTERS: [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape...
PURPLE HAZE: I must escape more... [sigh]
POSTERS: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,...
GLAMORILLA: Dramatically, sir?
PURPLE HAZE: Dramatically!
POSTERS: [singing] But he's here with us today...
PURPLE HAZE: Heee! Hoa! [crash] Hoo!
POSTERS: [singing] What a wonderful escape!
PURPLE HAZE: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?
Scene 18
[Ishmael’s Theme Music] [clop clop clop] [rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr!]
ISHMAEL: Mia62! [rewr!] [music stops] Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [dramatic chord]
MIA62: Who sent you?
ISHMAEL: The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
MIA62: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ISHMAEL: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'.
MIA62: Agh! Do your worst!
ISHMAEL: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!
MIA62: No! Never! No shrubberies!
ISHMAEL: Ni!
MIA62: [cough]
TEXAN: Nu!
ISHMAEL: No, no, no, no, i--
TEXAN: Nu!
ISHMAEL: No, it's not that. It's 'ni'.
TEXAN: Nu!
ISHMAEL: No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No.
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL and TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: That's it. That's it. You've got it.
ISHMAEL and TEXAN: Ni!
MIA62: Ohh!
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: Ni!
MIA62: Agh!
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: Ni!
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: Ni!
TEXAN: Ni!
EROSMAN THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?
ISHMAEL: Erm,... yes.
EROSMAN: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this forum. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ISHMAEL: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
EROSMAN: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Erosman the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
TEXAN: Ni!
ISHMAEL: No! No, no, no! No!
Scene 19
ISHMAEL: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
RAWHUMOR: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.
ISHMAEL: What is that?
RAWHUMOR: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!
RAWHUMOR: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
RANDOM: Ni!
RAWHUMOR: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ISHMAEL: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'?
RAWHUMOR: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [dramatic chord]
ISHMAEL: Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM: Ni!
RAWHUMOR: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!...
RAWHUMOR: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [dramatic chord]
KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring!
ISHMAEL: We shall do no such thing!
RAWHUMOR: Oh, please!
ISHMAEL: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
RAWHUMOR: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
ISHMAEL: What word?
RAWHUMOR: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ISHMAEL: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
RAWHUMOR: You said it again!
ISHMAEL: What, 'is'?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'.
RAWHUMOR: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.
TEXAN: My liege, it's Sir QuickDuck!
TROLL: [singing] He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ISHMAEL: Sir QuickDuck!
QUICKDUCK: My liege! It's good to see you.
RAWHUMOR: Now he's said the word!
ISHMAEL: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Thread?
TROLL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--
QUICKDUCK: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
RAWHUMOR: He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
QUICKDUCK: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
QUICKDUCK: Uh, here-- here in this forest.
ISHMAEL: No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
RAWHUMOR: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
ISHMAEL: Oh, stop it!
RAWHUMOR: ...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!
ISHMAEL: TB4p!
RAWHUMOR: Wait! I said it! I said it! [clop clop clop] Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!...
Narrative Interlude
LAUREL: And so, Ishmael and Texan and Sir QuickDuck set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty- four. Beyond the forest, they met Purple Haze and Todd-‘o’-Vision, and there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay! [woosh]
LAUREL: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat QuickDuck's trolls.
TROLL: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!
LAUREL: And there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: Yay!
LAUREL: A year passed.
CARTOON CHARACTER: [shivering]
LAUREL: Winter changed into Spring.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Mmm, nice.
LAUREL: Spring changed into Summer.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh. Ahh.
LAUREL: Summer changed back into Winter,...
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh?
LAUREL: ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Aah. [snap] Oh! Waa!
LAUREL: Until one day...
Scene 20
[Ishmael’s Theme Music] [clop clop clop]
[music stops] [boom]
KNIGHTS: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.
ISHMAEL: Knights! Forward! [boom boom boom boom boom] [squeak] [boom boom boom boom] What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
LUKKYKNIGHT: I... am an enchanter.
ISHMAEL: By what name are you known?
LUKKYKNIGHT: There are some who call me... 'LK'?
ISHMAEL: Greetings, LukkyKnight the Enchanter.
LUKKYKNIGHT: Greetings, Ishmael!
ISHMAEL: You know my name?
LUKKYKNIGHT: I do. [zoosh] You seek the Holy Thread!
ISHMAEL: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O LK.
LUKKYKNIGHT: Quite. [pweeng boom] [clap clap clap]
QUICKDUCK: Oh.
ISHMAEL: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Thread. Our quest is to find the Holy Thread.
KNIGHTS: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.
ISHMAEL: And so, we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.
TEXAN: Yes, we are.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Yeah.
QUICKDUCK: We are. We are.
TEXAN: We have been for some time.
QUICKDUCK: Ages.
TEXAN: Umhm.
ISHMAEL: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Look, can you tell us where-- [boom]
ISHMAEL: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--
LUKKYKNIGHT: A what...?
ISHMAEL: A g-- a-- a g-- a g-- a-- a g--
LUKKYKNIGHT: A Thread?!
ISHMAEL: Yes. I think so.
QUICKDUCK: Y-- y-- yes.
ISHMAEL: Yes.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Yup.
KNIGHTS: That's it...
LUKKYKNIGHT: Yes!
QUICKDUCK: Oh.
ISHMAEL: Oh. Thank you.
QUICKDUCK: Ahh.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh. Fine.
ISHMAEL: Thank you.
QUICKDUCK: Splendid.
KNIGHTS: Aah... [boom pweeng boom boom]
ISHMAEL: Look, um, you're a busy man, uh--
LUKKYKNIGHT: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Thread.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. Oh...
LUKKYKNIGHT: To the north there lies a forum-- the forum of General Board-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged... [boom] ...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Thread.
ISHMAEL: Where could we find this forum, O LK?
LUKKYKNIGHT: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this forum is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
ISHMAEL: What an eccentric performance.
Scene 21
[clop clop clop] [whinny whinny]
TODD-‘O’-VISION: They're nervous, sire.
ISHMAEL: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Behold the forum of General Board!
ISHMAEL: Right! Keep me covered.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What with?
ISHMAEL: W-- just keep me covered.
LUKKYKNIGHT: Too late! [dramatic chord]
ISHMAEL: What?
LUKKYKNIGHT: There he is!
ISHMAEL: Where?
LUKKYKNIGHT: There!
ISHMAEL: What, behind Lancecastor?
LUKKYKNIGHT: It is Lancecastor.
ISHMAEL: You silly sod!
LUKKYKNIGHT: What?
ISHMAEL: You got us all worked up!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Well, that's no ordinary Lancecastor!
ISHMAEL: Ohh.
LUKKYKNIGHT: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered poster you ever set eyes on!
QUICKDUCK: You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Look, that Lancecastor's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Get stuffed!
LUKKYKNIGHT: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Oh, yeah?
QUICKDUCK: You mangy Scots git!
LUKKYKNIGHT: I'm warning you!
QUICKDUCK: What's he do, nibble your bum?
LUKKYKNIGHT: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ISHMAEL: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One Lancecastor stew comin' right up!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Look! [squeak]
BORS: Aaaugh! [dramatic chord] [clunk]
ISHMAEL: Jesus Christ!
LUKKYKNIGHT: I warned you!
QUICKDUCK: I done it again!
LUKKYKNIGHT: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little poster, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
ISHMAEL: Oh, shut up!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Do they listen to me?
ISHMAEL: Right!
LUKKYKNIGHT: Oh, no...
KNIGHTS: Charge! [squeak squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
ISHMAEL: Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!...
LUKKYKNIGHT: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
ISHMAEL: Right. How many did we lose?
PURPLE HAZE: Gawain.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Ector.
ISHMAEL: And Bors. That's five.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three, sir.
ISHMAEL: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That Lancecastor's dynamite.
QUICKDUCK: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ISHMAEL: Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ISHMAEL: Like what?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Well... ooh.
PURPLE HAZE: Have we got bows?
ISHMAEL: No.
PURPLE HAZE: We have KillerMuffin.
ISHMAEL: Yes, of course! The KillerMuffin of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Weird Harold carries with him! Weird Harold! Bring up KillerMuffin!
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
ISHMAEL: How does it, um-- how does it work?
PURPLE HAZE: I know not, my liege.
ISHMAEL: Consult the Book of Armaments!
WEIRD HAROLD: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
DILLINGER: And Saint Attila raised KillerMuffin up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy KillerMuffin that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
WEIRD HAROLD: Skip a bit, Brother.
DILLINGER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou smack the Holy Ass. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy KillerMuffin of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
WEIRD HAROLD: Amen.
KNIGHTS: Amen.
ISHMAEL: Right! One!... Two!... Five!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three, sir!
ISHMAEL: Three! [angels sing] [boom]
Scene 22
ISHMAEL: There! Look!
PURPLE HAZE: What does it say?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: What language is that?
ISHMAEL: Weird Harold! You are a scholar.
WEIRD HAROLD: It's Aramaic!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!
PURPLE HAZE: 'Course!
ISHMAEL: What does it say?
WEIRD HAROLD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Thread in the
Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
ISHMAEL: What?
WEIRD HAROLD: '...The Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
TEXAN: What is that?
WEIRD HAROLD: He must have died while carving it.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, come on!
WEIRD HAROLD: Well, that's what it says.
ISHMAEL: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaggh'. He'd just say it!
WEIRD HAROLD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Perhaps he was dictating.
ISHMAEL: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
WEIRD HAROLD: No. Just 'aaaaaagggh'.
PURPLE HAZE: Aaaauugggh.
ISHMAEL: Aaaaaggh.
TEXAN: Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Where's that?
TEXAN: France, I think.
PURPLE HAZE: Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?
ISHMAEL: No, that's 'Saint Ives'.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives.
KNIGHTS: Iiiiives.
TEXAN: Oooohoohohooo!
PURPLE HAZE: No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.
TEXAN: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!
TEXAN: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
ISHMAEL: Oooh!
TODD-‘O’-VISION: My Dixon Carter Lee!
[dramatic chord]
[roar]
WEIRD HAROLD: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh!
[Black Beast of Aaauugh eats WEIRD HAROLD]
TEXAN: That's it! That's it!
ISHMAEL: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
[roar]
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
[roar]
Keep running!
[boom]
[roar]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
TEXAN: We've lost him.
[roar]
KNIGHTS: Aagh!
LAUREL: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Ishmael and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.
ANIMATOR: Ulk!
[thump]
LAUREL: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Thread could continue.
Scene 23
[gurgle]
TODD-‘O’-VISION: There it is!
ISHMAEL: The Bridge of Death!
QUICKDUCK: Oh, great.
ISHMAEL: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!
TEXAN: What is he doing here?
ISHMAEL: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three questions.
ISHMAEL: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three questions.
ISHMAEL: Three questions may cross in safety.
QUICKDUCK: What if you get a question wrong?
ISHMAEL: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
QUICKDUCK: Oh, I won't go.
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Who's going to answer the questions?
ISHMAEL: Sir QuickDuck!
QUICKDUCK: Yes?
ISHMAEL: Brave Sir QuickDuck, you go.
QUICKDUCK: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Purple Haze go?
PURPLE HAZE: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
ISHMAEL: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Three questions.
ISHMAEL: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
PURPLE HAZE: I understand, my liege.
ISHMAEL: Good luck, brave Sir Purple Haze. Dixon Carter Lee be with you.
SINTHYSIST: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
PURPLE HAZE: Ask me the questions, SINthysist. I am not afraid.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your name?
PURPLE HAZE: My name is 'Sir Purple Haze of Literotica'.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your quest?
PURPLE HAZE: To seek the Holy Thread.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your favourite colour?
PURPLE HAZE: Blue.
SINTHYSIST: Right. Off you go.
PURPLE HAZE: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
QUICKDUCK: That's easy!
SINTHYSIST: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
QUICKDUCK: Ask me the questions, SINthysist. I'm not afraid.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your name?
QUICKDUCK: 'Sir QuickDuck of Literotica'.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your quest?
QUICKDUCK: To seek the Holy Thread.
SINTHYSIST: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
QUICKDUCK: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
SINTHYSIST: Stop! What... is your name?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: 'Sir Todd-‘o’-Vision of Literotica'.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your quest?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: I seek the Thread.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your favourite colour?
TODD-‘O’-VISION: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
SINTHYSIST: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
ISHMAEL: It is 'Ishmael', King of the Literoticans.
SINTHYSIST: What... is your quest?
ISHMAEL: To seek the Holy Thread.
SINTHYSIST: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ISHMAEL: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
SINTHYSIST: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
TEXAN: How do know so much about swallows?
ISHMAEL: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
[suspenseful music]
[music suddenly stops]
[intermission]
[suspenseful music resumes]
Scene 24
ISHMAEL: Purple Haze! Purple Haze! Purple Haze!
TEXAN: Purple Haze! Purple Haze!
ISHMAEL: Purple Haze! [police radio] Purple Haze!
TEXAN: Purple Haze! Purple Haze!
[angels sing]
[singing stops]
[ethereal music]
ISHMAEL: The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! Dixon Carter Lee be praised! Almighty Dixon Carter Lee, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy-- [twong] [baaaa] Jesus Christ! [thud]
PROBLEM CHILD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Ishmael King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!
ISHMAEL: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Literotica, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Dixon Carter Lee Himself has guided us!
PROBLEM CHILD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ISHMAEL: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
PROBLEM CHILD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ISHMAEL: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of Dixon Carter Lee and the glory of our-- [splat]
FRENCH GUARDS: [laughing]
ISHMAEL: Agh. Right! That settles it!
PROBLEM CHILD: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
ISHMAEL: Walk away. Just ignore them.
PROBLEM CHILD: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
ISHMAEL: We shall attack at once!
TEXAN: Yes, my liege!
ISHMAEL: Stand by for attack! [exciting music] [music stops] [silence] French persons!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting] ...Dappy!...
ISHMAEL: Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of Dixon Carter Lee,...
FRENCH GUARDS: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
ISHMAEL: ...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Thread returns to those whom Dixon Carter Lee has chosen!
FRENCH GUARDS: ...Ha ha ha!...
ISHMAEL: Charge!
ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Hooray!
[police siren]
MARKSGIRL: Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
MANU: Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
MODERATOR #1: All right. Come on. Back.
MARKSGIRL: Get that one.
MODERATOR #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
MANU: Put this man in the van.
MODERATOR #1: Clear off. Come on.
TEXAN: With whom?
MANU: Which one?
MODERATOR #1: Oh-- this one.
MANU: Come on. Put him in the van.
MODERATOR #2: Get a blanket.
MODERATOR #1: We have no hospital.
RANDOM: Ahh.
[squeak]
RANDOM: Ooh.
MODERATOR #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
MODERATOR #2: Run along! Run along!
MODERATOR #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
MODERATOR #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
MANU: Everything?
[squeak]
MODERATOR #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
[crash]
HEAVYSTICK: Jesus Tap Dancing Christ
*
