The evolution of power exchange in long term relationships.

[VelvetDarkness]

Master and I have been M/s for over a year now and recently I have been reflecting on how things have progressed between us as Master and slave and how events might unfold in the future. I think we have a good foundation and a dynamic that suits us and functions well in the real world. So far we've kept our spark and I continue to have a healthy fear of him, despite the love, trust and respect that we've built. easternsun's reflections on the 'marks of a slave' thread have also got be thinking because it has been so enlightening to peek into an M/s relationship of over 20 years standing.

So for those in LTRs or who have experience of long term D/s...

How has the dynamic evolved over time? Has power shifted as boundaries are redrawn?

How do you feel about the way your relationship has evolved? Is there anything you regret or that you would change?

How do you see things progressing in the future? Do you still see the LTR as lifelong? How do you go about keeping the spark and the fear/respect for a PYL alive when you've spent years doing his/her laundry, putting up with his/her character flaws and probably have children by him/her to raise and to put before the dynamic?

I'm not asking purely for pyl's thoughts here, I end up phrasing things that way because I'm writing from my own perspective.

 

[eastern sun]

In my experience, there is no pure power relationship. Life demands flexibility.

The M/s dynamic provides a mental framework, but the relationship itself changes constantly over time.

When our children were born, I suddenly had a lot more power, and acted on it without hesitation, simply because I had a better understanding of what they needed in any given moment. And that was simply because I paid more attention to them.

And our relationship suffered in those early childhood years - like many others I've witnessed. The "in-it-for-life"/"no escape" clause kept us together while many other couples fell apart. Not because we were any better at getting along, but because the mental framework held us in place.

And, like any long-term relationship, the initial spark and romance inevitably changes under the influence of daily routines.

I found it was helpful at a certain stage to eroticize the housework. Folding his shirts has made me catch my breath as I felt his body inside them, and I have cleaned the floors on my knees, touching every tile, every floorboard, with my hands in devotional bliss.

Because sometimes it does get too familiar, losing the edge.

I've always found that I can resurrect old feelings and discover new ones if I want to, though.

One thing we've been able to do, simply by staying together this long, is to plumb the depths of our desires. Not necessarily on a daily basis. And we'll get stuck in a rut for years.

But over time, we continue to surprise each other sexually, often because we trust each other enough to take great risks.

I'm an advocate of long-term relationships. Like an alchemist purifying metals into gold, it's only in this context that I can refine my spirit by subjecting myself to the purifying flames over and over and over again. And those aren't the pains of blind suffering. It's the heat that comes from facing the truth. Truths I don't necessarily want to see.

P.S. I also am not certain today that it is healthy to live in a constant state of high adrenalin and/or sexual arousal. Fun to experiment with, but hard to sustain for more than a year or two. Being able to experience your master as your best "vanilla" friend is good for the heart and the immune system.

 

[darebearstare]

question

what is pyl and ltr sorry i am new at this...ty

 

[missy_me]

.....

 

[darebearstare]

ty i am still trying to learn the language and i appreciate the help

 

[intothewoods]

So for those in LTRs or who have experience of long term D/s...

How has the dynamic evolved over time? Has power shifted as boundaries are redrawn?

How do you feel about the way your relationship has evolved? Is there anything you regret or that you would change?

How do you see things progressing in the future? Do you still see the LTR as lifelong? How do you go about keeping the spark and the fear/respect for a PYL alive when you've spent years doing his/her laundry, putting up with his/her character flaws and probably have children by him/her to raise and to put before the dynamic?

We've been in each other's lives for a year and a half, and probably dating for about a year. The D/s relationship has evolved as the relationship has evolved. We have never formalized our D/s relationship. It just kind of is.

Power has definitely shifted back and forth as we figure out what works for us. We started out as a bedroom only thing and at some point it became more. Now that we're moving in together, I think the power exchange outside of the bedroom has become stronger and more prominent, but I did have to adjust to it. We both did. We've taken it really slowly and I think that's been helpful for me.

As far as parenting goes, this is something we talk about a lot. He is going to be the stepparent and we plan on having more kids. Kids are not part of the power exchange. But he is who he is and he has a point of view about parenting. That's new for me. He's very respectful. I am the parent in this situation. But he's also not the hired help. Also, it's clear that he will not be the kind of parent who isn't involved or does whatever the wife says we should do. He's got a point of view, but I also can't and wouldn't say, yes sir whatever you say. I am a parent and I bring my experience to the table. In other words it's been an evolution.

I have no regrets that I can think of. Having had a kid before with someone else - D/s or not - I think your relationship needs to be rock solid because having young kids. I see a lot of D/s that is role-playing and I just don't think that has any place in front of kids. Balancing the couple with parent time is tough for any couple, no matter what. There are so many things to say on that subject.

 

[graceanne]

In my experience, there is no pure power relationship. Life demands flexibility.

The M/s dynamic provides a mental framework, but the relationship itself changes constantly over time.

When our children were born, I suddenly had a lot more power, and acted on it without hesitation, simply because I had a better understanding of what they needed in any given moment. And that was simply because I paid more attention to them.

And our relationship suffered in those early childhood years - like many others I've witnessed. The "in-it-for-life"/"no escape" clause kept us together while many other couples fell apart. Not because we were any better at getting along, but because the mental framework held us in place.

And, like any long-term relationship, the initial spark and romance inevitably changes under the influence of daily routines.

I found it was helpful at a certain stage to eroticize the housework. Folding his shirts has made me catch my breath as I felt his body inside them, and I have cleaned the floors on my knees, touching every tile, every floorboard, with my hands in devotional bliss.

Because sometimes it does get too familiar, losing the edge.

I've always found that I can resurrect old feelings and discover new ones if I want to, though.

One thing we've been able to do, simply by staying together this long, is to plumb the depths of our desires. Not necessarily on a daily basis. And we'll get stuck in a rut for years.

But over time, we continue to surprise each other sexually, often because we trust each other enough to take great risks.

I'm an advocate of long-term relationships. Like an alchemist purifying metals into gold, it's only in this context that I can refine my spirit by subjecting myself to the purifying flames over and over and over again. And those aren't the pains of blind suffering. It's the heat that comes from facing the truth. Truths I don't necessarily want to see.

P.S. I also am not certain today that it is healthy to live in a constant state of high adrenalin and/or sexual arousal. Fun to experiment with, but hard to sustain for more than a year or two. Being able to experience your master as your best "vanilla" friend is good for the heart and the immune system.

Wow.

If we had a sub thought of the day thread, I'd SO post this one.

Evolution wise, I've been with K for 12 years, eleven of those married. I'm not sure how long we've acknowledged our D/s relationship (about as long as I've been on lit), but it has been D/s without the kink for those twelve years.

I, also, noticed the flux of things. Sometimes we can't seem to get enough of each other, and other times we subsist on quickies.

Also, I have most of the power when it comes to the kids. I always have, because I'm with them the most and I know them the best, and I have more child rearing experience than he does. (I'm the oldest of six.)

We have an 'in-it-for-life' thing, too. But, we had that pre-D/s. For us it's a religious thing. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that our marriage is 'til death do us part', though.

Beyond that, I (and several others) have said that while it's fun to read about those M/s relationships that operate erotically 24/7, I can't see them working long term. Long term, bills still need to be paid, meals to be cooked, people get sick, etc. Our relationship works very much like a regular 'nilla relationship. We get up in the mornings, get the kids ready, give a quick kiss on our way out the door, do our stuff, come home, cook dinner, get kids ready for bed, watch tv, go to bed and maybe have sex.

 

[YourCaptor]

Master and I have been M/s for over a year now and recently I have been reflecting on how things have progressed between us as Master and slave and how events might unfold in the future. I think we have a good foundation and a dynamic that suits us and functions well in the real world. So far we've kept our spark and I continue to have a healthy fear of him, despite the love, trust and respect that we've built. easternsun's reflections on the 'marks of a slave' thread have also got be thinking because it has been so enlightening to peek into an M/s relationship of over 20 years standing.

So for those in LTRs or who have experience of long term D/s...

How has the dynamic evolved over time? Has power shifted as boundaries are redrawn?

How do you feel about the way your relationship has evolved? Is there anything you regret or that you would change?

How do you see things progressing in the future? Do you still see the LTR as lifelong? How do you go about keeping the spark and the fear/respect for a PYL alive when you've spent years doing his/her laundry, putting up with his/her character flaws and probably have children by him/her to raise and to put before the dynamic?

I'm not asking purely for pyl's thoughts here, I end up phrasing things that way because I'm writing from my own perspective.

You know in hindsight I don't think we had any power shift. We did express ourselves more and more though as we grew comfortable with ourselves and discovered sex.

Regret, well, at one point I pushed her away. I got all sorts of "justifications" for that one. I'm not entirely sure why I did it though.

I supose that was just it for the relationship, our lives where no longer parallel and we split apart.

Maybe the lessons is the relationship wont hold itself together, you got to use your mind and braid your two lives together so they can't spit.

 

[Bandit58]

Sir and I have lived together as a D/s couple for coming up to 5 1/2 years. Because He has a chronic illness and other health problems I am often serving as His carer. We do work together on this and He does have the final say most of the time - however initiative is crucial and now and then I am in charge when He's too ill to be.

We love each other very much and this relationship is for the long haul. We married in December 2006. Disagreements are few, but I have this left over "passive aggressive" stance I take when I feel I am being "got at"....a defensive mechanism from my previous marriage I shut down and all the old bad feelings come back. This is something I am trying not to do, but Sir has told me that it's not ME that He's "getting at", but the behaviour - it's helping

Beyond that, I (and several others) have said that while it's fun to read about those M/s relationships that operate erotically 24/7, I can't see them working long term. Long term, bills still need to be paid, meals to be cooked, people get sick, etc. Our relationship works very much like a regular 'nilla relationship. We get up in the mornings, get the kids ready, give a quick kiss on our way out the door, do our stuff, come home, cook dinner, get kids ready for bed, watch tv, go to bed and maybe have sex.

That's us, but we're together virtually 24/7 and we don't have kids (so we can have sex in the daytime too ).

 

[graceanne]

That's us, but we're together virtually 24/7 and we don't have kids (so we can have sex in the daytime too ).

I'm jealous.

Some day . . .