The End

[agibean]

My mind won't stop going back to a line he put in his email. It said something like, "One day you'll find the love of your life, and he or she will treat you so much better than I did," or something like that. I just want to say, "I've already found him. He just doesn't want me." [/COLOR]

This part of your post really stood out for me. About 8 years ago, I was reading nearly the same quote from my first dom/master. And I was feeling nearly as heartbroken. The thing is, he was right. And so is your former master/boyfriend.

Try to think of it this way-for whatever reasons, he was not the person you wanted him to be for you. Somewhere out there, someone IS. You may not meet him any time soon, but you will. And with time, the pain you feel right now will lessen, and you'll feel more "ok". REALLY.

Others here have given you the best advice-keep living, doing, as if you weren't so down. GO to that formal-why give him the satisfaction of not experiencing something that is a once-in-a-lifetime thing?

I was a lot older than you when I went through this, but I found that getting more involved with my local BDSM society helped, as did actually start dating on a "friends only" basis. Just to get my carcass out of the house. That helped too.

Oh, and try not to get too upset if you never get the answers you want. I never did-but you CAN get over that too.
It'll be ok. Really.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Thank you, serijules. I feel bad for feeling the way I do (does that even make sense?), but you made me realize that there's nothing wrong with it. I really appreciate it. Love, in this case, sucks, but I think at least a part of me will always love him.

Bunny you are in the infancy stages of coming to terms with this loss irrespective of the fact that it appears in the longer term to be for the 'best'. Extracting the mindset that you are 'his' is such a challenge.

I recall being violently ill when I made a choice to remove my collar and starting the journey on the emotional realisations of shifting a focus away from that commitment. So fragile , so lost and how I struggled to put the responsibility for the failed relationship where it belonged, with my X Dominant. I was his submissive , it felt natural to want to accrue the burden than face the reality that he had failed me beyond reproach. All facts not opinions . Sometimes I think it may have been easier to delude myself but that makes a mockery of the values I personally hold high in my relationships.

Don't be embarrassed for being Bunny coming to terms on her own schedule for this. It may take quite a while it may be more succinct. The point is you come out of this intact , don't devalue yourself or your submission and know that in all good time, if its meant to be and you wish it, armed with the knowledge gained from this experience you will move forward .

wishing you much strength and affection

Rebecca

 

[neonflux]

There is much wisdom in what Miss Rebecca just wrote. Please keep in there. Just to echo - accept that your feelings are your feelings. And you have a right to them. And they will take as long as they take to work through and that's OK.

I also want to second what babiesmiles wrote about going out anyway on your birthday, with your dress, looking beautiful... Live your life in and with the grace to which you are entitled!

When you said that you aren't sexually jealous and that you never would have made him choose - I cannot tell you just how much you reminded me of my situation. Neither I nor my sister are sexually jealous, either - we weigh loyalty by different standards. I would always tell my ex/primary the same thing - I will never make you choose. Sometimes I suspect that people are afraid of such utter acceptance and love.

I know that my ex/primary loved me more than he loved the woman he went back to - we had much more in common, we had more sexual intensity, we had never exhanged an unkind word in the almost year we'd been together. Unfortunately, as wounded human beings - and most of us are - to reference Lacan (badly) our Id and Ego are not in sinc; we often do not desire what we love; we often do not desire what (or who) we know deep down is best for us.

The fact that you were in the middle of subdrop and close to your birthday makes it all the crueler. I know that when people told me this it didn't make me love him less but it did help to hear it, so I hope you don't mind my sounding like a broken record:

You are beautiful (and I've seen your pic so I know this to be true Even in a negative view of your AV, you are stunning.)

You are wonderful and kind (your PMs and posts showing only a fingertip's worth of that, I suspect).

You are a gift.

He had many good qualities that were worth loving (or you wouldn't have done so) - still he acted like a complete jerk.

He had many good qualities that were worth loving (or you wouldn't have done so) - still, he was inhumanly cruel.

He had many good qualities that were worth loving (or you wouldn't have done so) - still he wasn't ready for you and so doesn't deserve you.

Please be gentle with yourself.

xoxoxoxo
~ Neon

 

[sexychik69]

No-one needs a Dom who can't be honest.

Agreed. Don't let someone that could act like a Dom around you but not even be in full control of his life (obviously, otherwise he would have the two of you balanced out, if he actually wanted both relationships to go on) rule you. Don't stop being a sub or doubt your abilities or think it was you.

People are people, and most of the time people are pricks, which is why it hurts when they leave you.

One think you can be happy in... he probably doubts himself as a Dom now, and hopefully he'll learn from this down the line, or at least admit what he did was cowardly and disrespectful. Just because you were his sub didn't mean he could treat you like dirt.

Sorry hun, we're here for you

 

[Evil_Geoff]

My girlfriend has been wonderful. I feel like I've been neglecting her needs, though. I'm so glad she understands. It's only been two days. I still deserve some wallowing time, right?

I have a friend who is a professional photographer. He approached me yesterday, wanting me to model for a website. Model, as in fetish modeling. I'm thinking about it, but I don't know if I can do it or not. Well, first of all, I don't know that I could've done it with all my body hang-ups and whatnot anyway, even if I hadn't just gotten dumped on my ass. I really don't know if I can do it now. I'll just get some more information and think hard on it. It's hard for me to make decisions, anyway, and one of this magnitude, especially at a time like this, is just...ugh. Ironically enough, I wish I could have his input.

Abso-freaking-lutely you deserve some wallowing time. And while you are wallowing...

Go ahead and do the photo shoot! Hot damn! And show us the pics when their done! Dadgumit girl, you're a hottie and WE WANT PICS!

 

[BiBunny]

Dammit, y'all, I'm crying now, and it's not because he's a jerk! Everyone's just so...nice. Well, actually, "nice" doesn't even begin to come close to describing it, but I'm tired, LOL. I'm one of those people you just can't be nice to if you don't want a blubbering idiot on your hands!

As far as the photo shoot, EG, I'm going to talk to the guy about it, if nothing else. He is the one who took the pic I have in my av and the pics I have posted in various places on this board. I want to get all the details, and then I'll decide. (In other words, expect another post from me entitled something like "What The Hell Do I Do?") My girlfriend pointed out just how damn funny it would be for him to be perusing for porn and find pics of me, LOL. Imagine him telling his friends, "Gee, I had the choice between two girls. One of them became a fetish model." They'd say, "Which one did you choose?" He'd reply, "The other one." Then, the smacks to the back of the head would ensue, and he would, from that day on, be known amongst his companions as (pardon my French) "The Dumb Motherfucker."

Yes, I do feel a little bit better. I can sort of laugh at certain aspects of this situation. There've been no less than four different offers from my friends to murder him and dispose of his body. Two of them just got out of the Marines, back from Iraq. They promised it'd take no more than 30 minutes to get rid of him and make it look like he had a heart attack--15 minutes to drive over, 10 minutes to get inside and do some of that whacked-out Marine shit, and 5 more to get service back on their cell phones to call me, LOL. (Please note, the above paragraph was meant entirely as a joke. Authorities: If "X" comes up missing, I had absolutely nothing to do with it.)

Really, though, I think I am feeling better. My mother, even though she made that brilliant comment yesterday, has been distracting me. I have wonderful friends, too. Aside from threatening to kill him, they've invited me to two different parties to celebrate my birthday, one this weekend with friends from home, and one next weekend with friends from school. It still hurts, but I'm doing my best not to think about it. Everyone here has been awesome, too. The posts and PMs have really helped.

Contrary to what I said earlier, I may keep this thread going. No one actually has to read it, but I think writing it down helps to get it out of my head.

 

[myinnerslut]

Contrary to what I said earlier, I may keep this thread going. No one actually has to read it, but I think writing it down helps to get it out of my head.

keep it going. we are reading it, and if it helps you to write stuff down, go right on ahead. i think everyone ha broken up with somebody at some point and can relate on some level (thats a lot of somes) so we are all with you.

 

[Montana_Roze]

For now Bunny.....you can run to us.

 

[chris9]

See, that's what I told you You will get better. It's a slow path, but laughing helps immensely. Having friends and family to take care of you, make you laugh, reach some level of enjoyment is worth so much, way more than all asshats put together.

 

[neonflux]

Write, BiBunny, write!

How are you doing this A.M.?

(and are you going to post a pic of your b-day dress? inquiring minds...)

 

[BiBunny]

My day three update:

I'm plodding along. That's about all I can do at this point. I still pretty much feel like shit, though. If I didn't think about him, oh, every 30 seconds, life would be so much better.

It's funny. I'm a horsewoman all the way through. Everyone knows we're the toughest, strongest, most capable bitches in the world. I fell off one of my horses while trying to mount one day and broke my left hand. All I did was look up at my mother and father and say, "Yep, it's broken." I had a horse fall on me once. I lost most of the skin on the inside of my thigh from the middle of my thigh down to my knee. I blew that knee out, too, when the horse stood up and flipped me over on my back because my foot was still stuck in the stirrup. After I rinsed out the raw spot, I got back on. I rode at a horse show a couple of days later, all the way down to mounting on the wrong side because my left knee was so swollen that it wouldn't bend to get me up in the saddle. I won the damn class, too. Last summer, the saddle turned over (freak accident) while I was riding. I flew off, dislocated my right shoulder, and bruised a kidney. I yelled and cursed, but didn't shed a tear. Instead, I abruptly informed my then-trainer that I was absolutely NOT going to be driven two hours to the hospital with a dislocated shoulder. (It almost killed me just to breathe. There was no way I could've endured all the bumping and bouncing down the road.) Someone would have to put it back in place for me. Yep, while I sat in a horse pasture in BFE, Alabama, my dislocated shoulder was popped back in place without a sound from me. I rode in a show less than two weeks later, my arm pinned to my side, and won a 4th place ribbon. It started subluxing on its own shortly thereafter (partial dislocations). I'd put the damn thing back in BY MYSELF on more than one occasion. When I went to get an MRI for that very same shoulder, the doctor had to use a catheter thingie to inject dye into the joint. I had three very large needles rammed straight into my rotator cuff and pushed 'round and 'round. I don't think I even flinched. Even the doctor was impressed and said that he'd seen grown men faint from the procedure.

There's a reason I tell those stories. While I know emotional pain and physical pain are two different things, I am not a baby at all. Even the man in question has despaired of the fact that I hardly ever cry. He got tears out of me twice in all the time we've known each other (the last two times we played, coincidentally). I'm tough. I'm the strongest woman I know in real life. I'm a goddamn fighter. There has never been anything in my life ever really get me down. I'm 5'9"--not telling how much I weigh!--, and I don't take shit off of anybody. Men all over East-Central Alabama cower at the mention of my name. (Ok, so maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I've intimidated more than my share of the male species.) I've never met anyone I was afraid of. One of my best friends claims that some years from now, my name will be synonymous with the word "bitch." As in, "So-and-so is such a Randi." I am not a whiner, a coward, or a pushover.

So, why, why, why is it that all I want to do is go curl up in a ball somewhere and hide from the world? For all the tears he never got out of me with the crop, he'd be amazed at the amount he's gotten with his words. I pride myself on being strong, but I just don't feel strong right now.

Please forgive me for my bitching. I hope I'll get off this kick in a few days. Everyone here has helped sooooo much. Every time I sign in, my PM box has messages. Y'all have no idea how much they help.

~Randi

 

[neonflux]

There's a reason I tell those stories. While I know emotional pain and physical pain are two different things, I am not a baby at all. Even the man in question has despaired of the fact that I hardly ever cry. He got tears out of me twice in all the time we've known each other (the last two times we played, coincidentally). I'm tough. I'm the strongest woman I know in real life. I'm a goddamn fighter. There has never been anything in my life ever really get me down. I'm 5'9"--not telling how much I weigh!--, and I don't take shit off of anybody. Men all over East-Central Alabama cower at the mention of my name. (Ok, so maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I've intimidated more than my share of the male species.) I've never met anyone I was afraid of. One of my best friends claims that some years from now, my name will be synonymous with the word "bitch." As in, "So-and-so is such a Randi." I am not a whiner, a coward, or a pushover.

So, why, why, why is it that all I want to do is go curl up in a ball somewhere and hide from the world? For all the tears he never got out of me with the crop, he'd be amazed at the amount he's gotten with his words. I pride myself on being strong, but I just don't feel strong right now.

Please forgive me for my bitching. I hope I'll get off this kick in a few days. Everyone here has helped sooooo much. Every time I sign in, my PM box has messages. Y'all have no idea how much they help.

~Randi

Oh, sweet Randi! You're feeling the way you are because you are strong, because the emotions are cleansing, because without allowing yourself to experience them, you won't be able to heal. "Surrender" is strength and that's what you are doing right now, I think - surrendering to what you need to do. I'm sure you've already heard this a thousand times; hopefully it won't hurt to hear it again. Things will get better and you will come out of this even stronger, even if it doesn't seem like it now. You are in my heart, thoughts, meditations. Neon

 

[jadefirefly]

Oh, have I ever been there!

I am somewhat your opposite: I am not physically a strong person. I am a pain wimp. It might take a lot to make me cry out of pain, but I hate it, and will make that very plain.

On the other hand, I pride myself on being emotionally strong. If I'm pissed off, and I don't want you to know it, you don't. If I'm having a shitty day, my co-workers are oblivious. If someone says something hurtful to my face, they don't really get shit in return. I. Do. Not. Cry.

The downshot to all of this is that in order to be involved with someone, I need to let them behind that wall. Which means that when that someone hurts me, I'm like a fucking faucet. It just won't stop. And ironically enough, it's those times that things like having my tattoos worked on hurts less.

As someone who hates to have to do it, I have to admit, the tears help. I despise crying; I won't allow others to see me as weak. But it helps, so much. So let it happen.

Just find a nice cozy hole to do it in, if that's what it takes.

 

[chris9]

My day three update:

I'm plodding along. That's about all I can do at this point. I still pretty much feel like shit, though. If I didn't think about him, oh, every 30 seconds, life would be so much better.
>snip<
~Randi

And as time goes on you'll find that you only think of him every 45 seconds, then have five minutes of not thinking of him, then maybe half an hour, a night out or a movie. It gets there slowly. You gave him a lot of you, now you have to take all of this back.
You are strong, you'll make it.

 

[neonflux]

Happy Thanksgiving, Bi-Bunny! (hope you find a place to wear those flashy new 'ho clothes - perhaps with Fury? I thought that response was funny )

Neon

 

[BiBunny]

Happy Thanksgiving, Bi-Bunny! (hope you find a place to wear those flashy new 'ho clothes - perhaps with Fury? I thought that response was funny )

Neon

Thanks, neon. You're awesome. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. I think Fury and I need to go out as well.

Well, I suppose I shall update again. Today was not perfectly terrible until this afternoon. I know my mother had already informed the family that I'd been dumped on my ass (gossipy family, LOL), so I had faith that they wouldn't actually bring it up in front of me. I was sitting in the living room, vegging out after eating entirely too much and reading magazines. My grandmother, bitch that she is, kept at me and kept at me about, "Well, what's wrong, Randi?" until I finally ended up having to barricade myself in the bathroom so the whole damn family didn't see me break down in tears. My mother rescued me, distracted them, and told them that I was going home to feed the horses (I wasn't), so I was able to sneak out without further notice.

After my mother and I got back home, I found out that Daddy won't be home until tomorrow, which sucks. Mother and I put up the Christmas tree tonight. I, the Queen of all Allergies, broke out in hives. This wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't a FAKE TREE!!!! Yes, you read right. I'm allergic to a fake tree.

Anyway, earlier today I sent him an offline message on Yahoo wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving. He--faint and fall over--replied, wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving as well and telling me that we'd talk Sunday whenever he gets back from wherever the hell he is. So that's what I have to look forward to. I suppose I'll get all my thoughts in order, say my piece, and be prepared to disappear from his life forever. I'm praying for strength. I want to come out of this with my pride intact, regardless of how I truly feel on the inside.

 

[BiBunny]

Forgive me for double-posting in my own thread. It's become a blog of sorts, I think, for the life of mine that's a shadow of what it was. (Sorry, that's my bad poetic side coming out.) Anyway, I was reminded of this Sylvia Plath poem today. Sylvia's always been my favorite poet, and I realized how much it kind of stood for my life. Like I said, please overlook me if I become too annoying and self-pitying.

Monologue at 3 am

Better that every fiber crack
and fury make head,
blood drenching vivid
couch, carpet, floor
and the snake-figured almanac
vouching you are
a million green counties from here,

than to sit mute, twitching so
under prickling stars,
with stare, with curse
blackening the time
goodbyes were said, trains let go,
and I, great magnanimous fool, thus wrenched from
my one kingdom.

I've been doing some writing of my own, poetry even, but none so good as my idol's. I guess, like her, I can only work when my heart's broken. I really am sorry for being so annoying. I feel like I'm in Jr. High again. I'm getting on my own nerves, but, God, it's cathartic.

 

[chris9]

*hugs* for Bunny

You're not getting on my nerves at all.
I had to love at the 'allergic to a fake tree' thing. Maybe it was dusty and you actually reacted to the dust? But then I would expect sneezing, not hives...

Your mom seems to be very nice, helping you, supporting you. Whatever made her say the comment she gave you seems to have passed.
As to gossipy family: Mine is as well. I have a family event coming up tomorrow. I assume that everybody is informed (except maybe my uncles who are on vacation right now). I don't dare to hope that they will not ask me about it.

 

[neonflux]

Thanks, neon. You're awesome. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. I think Fury and I need to go out as well.

Well, I suppose I shall update again. Today was not perfectly terrible until this afternoon. I know my mother had already informed the family that I'd been dumped on my ass (gossipy family, LOL), so I had faith that they wouldn't actually bring it up in front of me. I was sitting in the living room, vegging out after eating entirely too much and reading magazines. My grandmother, bitch that she is, kept at me and kept at me about, "Well, what's wrong, Randi?" until I finally ended up having to barricade myself in the bathroom so the whole damn family didn't see me break down in tears. My mother rescued me, distracted them, and told them that I was going home to feed the horses (I wasn't), so I was able to sneak out without further notice.

After my mother and I got back home, I found out that Daddy won't be home until tomorrow, which sucks. Mother and I put up the Christmas tree tonight. I, the Queen of all Allergies, broke out in hives. This wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't a FAKE TREE!!!! Yes, you read right. I'm allergic to a fake tree.

Anyway, earlier today I sent him an offline message on Yahoo wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving. He--faint and fall over--replied, wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving as well and telling me that we'd talk Sunday whenever he gets back from wherever the hell he is. So that's what I have to look forward to. I suppose I'll get all my thoughts in order, say my piece, and be prepared to disappear from his life forever. I'm praying for strength. I want to come out of this with my pride intact, regardless of how I truly feel on the inside.

Sometimes family members can be so unthinking in the ways that they try to take care of us! I am glad that your mom is being so supportive now.

I'm sorry, but it's kind of funny being allergic to a fake tree.

Re: seeing him - be self-possessed, contained, beautiful... One question - what if he asks you to come back to him, but under existing conditions? Something to think about beforehand, because I do think that this might be a possibility - of course, you will probably know the minute you see him. If he's cold and hard, this won't be in his thinking because he will be attempting to cut off his emotions.

Remember that you are no longer his - that he broke whatever contract you had between you. You have no reason to submit to him anymore for any reason. You do have the right to assert your dignity and your personhood. I hope that you also make him think about the wrongs did to you...

I understand what you said about only being able to write poetry when your heart is breaking - the only time I can write poetry is when I am overwhelmed by emotion, too. Now THAT's a payback - a break-up for a chap book...

Neon

P.S., PM'd you, also...

P.P.S., re: your first statement, all I can say is "shucks, Miss Bunny!"

P.P.P.S. already posted this on Miss Rebecca's thread but seems apropos here...

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q91/cleasf/bunny.png

 

[BiBunny]

I was going to just let this thread die a natural death, but once again, I couldn't. I think it's kind of turned into my general bitch thread, anyway. Here's what happened today.

I've just gotten back to school from my parents' house (stayed there for Thanksgiving). In the past month, I've lost my job, had my horse go lame, and lost my Master. Well, my birthday is Tuesday. I'll be 23. (I know I've said this before, but there's a reason for my restating it.) Before I left today, my family was supposed to have a little get-together for my birthday. (I'm an only child. Birthdays are supposed to be special, dammit!) Anyway, to add insult to injury after my perfectly shitty last couple of weeks:

MY GRANDMOTHER FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, you read right. Forgot. As in, no gift, no card, no nothing. She didn't even show up for my not-quite-party. Seriously. Her excuse? "Well, I just didn't have the money." I could understand this excuse coming from a lot of people, but let's face it, the woman's loaded. I don't expect anything from anybody. If she'd forgotten the gift (or really didn't have the money), it'd have been fine. But she didn't even show up. And she lives less than 10 minutes from my parents.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't happening on top of everything else. Oh, well, I should know better than to expect anything from her, of all people. Anyway, my girlfriend and I are about to go work on our Christmas decorations, and I'm about to go spend some time with the only man a girl can rely on...Jack Daniels.

 

[neonflux]

I had a yoga teacher once who said of the universe that She never gave one more challenges than one was able to handle at any given time, then asked, "But why don't they slow down a little, occassionally?

{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}

Neon

I was going to just let this thread die a natural death, but once again, I couldn't. I think it's kind of turned into my general bitch thread, anyway. Here's what happened today.

I've just gotten back to school from my parents' house (stayed there for Thanksgiving). In the past month, I've lost my job, had my horse go lame, and lost my Master. Well, my birthday is Tuesday. I'll be 23. (I know I've said this before, but there's a reason for my restating it.) Before I left today, my family was supposed to have a little get-together for my birthday. (I'm an only child. Birthdays are supposed to be special, dammit!) Anyway, to add insult to injury after my perfectly shitty last couple of weeks:

MY GRANDMOTHER FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, you read right. Forgot. As in, no gift, no card, no nothing. She didn't even show up for my not-quite-party. Seriously. Her excuse? "Well, I just didn't have the money." I could understand this excuse coming from a lot of people, but let's face it, the woman's loaded. I don't expect anything from anybody. If she'd forgotten the gift (or really didn't have the money), it'd have been fine. But she didn't even show up. And she lives less than 10 minutes from my parents.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't happening on top of everything else. Oh, well, I should know better than to expect anything from her, of all people. Anyway, my girlfriend and I are about to go work on our Christmas decorations, and I'm about to go spend some time with the only man a girl can rely on...Jack Daniels.

 

[BiBunny]

He said last week that we would talk last night, but we didn't. I'm going to hold out for a few more days in hopes that we do, but after that...I give up. I'm still hurting pretty badly and feeling quite lost. Seems like everything just has to pile up at once. I'm sitting here looking at my and my girlfriend's formal dresses--just going to waste. It seems a perfect metaphor for the whole relationship. It looked all nice on the outside, but as soon as it got rough, it wasn't good for anything anymore. *Sigh*

 

[BiBunny]

Bumping for a couple of things.

I talked to him for 6 hours last night. I feel much, much better about the situation. That's all I'm going to say right now.

Number two...I'm currently talking to my friend about the photo shoot. I'm going to do it Thursday. He's a scout for a website (won't go into it too much) and wants me, for whatever reason. I'll post more once it's a little more finalized, LOL.

Anyway, thanks again, everyone. I think things are looking up now.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Bumping for a couple of things.

I talked to him for 6 hours last night. I feel much, much better about the situation. That's all I'm going to say right now.

Number two...I'm currently talking to my friend about the photo shoot. I'm going to do it Thursday. He's a scout for a website (won't go into it too much) and wants me, for whatever reason. I'll post more once it's a little more finalized, LOL.

Anyway, thanks again, everyone. I think things are looking up now.

*hugs*

I am not saying much, but I am reading. I am glad that you were able to at least talk to him and get some sort of closure.

I do hope that this better mood translates into you and your girlfriend going to the formal.

 

[papilllon]

I have an update. I woke up this morning around 4:30, not able to sleep. I decided to check my email just in case he'd answered me. He had. He apologized for the phone call and said that she'd more or less "made" him do it. He also said he'd been struggling to make a decision about who to choose, anyway. I'm not sure that I buy that. I honestly believe that if she hadn't caught him, he'd have carried on like everything was fine. My feelings were what was sacrificed to save his ass.

Still, I answered and told him that I thought we needed to have a conversation about this. I told him that I only wanted him to be happy, whether it's with me or not. I also said that I hoped he'd made the right decision for himself and not just taken the path of least resistance because he'd been backed into a corner.

I didn't know what else to say. When I look in the mirror, there are still bruises on my breasts and stomach and thighs from the time I spent with him last week. My collar lays on my dresser, like it's taunting me. Well, I guess it isn't my collar anymore. I swear, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. The hardest part about it is that I'm so used to running to him when something's wrong. Now I can't do that. I guess I just don't know what to do right now. Thanks, everyone, for listening and being so supportive.

Take care of yourself, do things that make you feel good, talk with your friends and always remember that, whatever some guy did, there are people in your life who love you and respect you.

Papillon