shereads
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- Jun 6, 2003
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This is my favorite article from The Onion archives. If you haven't been depressed, you probably won't know why it's so damn funny. And if you're seriously depressed right now, you'll know on an intellectual level, but you might not laugh. So save it for later, when your meds kick in. You'll love it, I promise.
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Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New
Antidepressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb.'
"So's Our Whole Stupid Company," Says CEO.
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he described as "a totally stupid waste of time that probably nobody will ever want ever."
Though from the outset, BHP had hoped the new medication would revolutionize the treatment of depression, Cafazzo is less than enthusiastic about its chances against such industry leaders as Prozac and Zoloft.
"Cyntrex? Yeah, right. More like, Stupidtrex," a visibly downcast Cafazzo told reporters. "More like, Another-Awful- Product-That-Will-Probably-Make-Us-All-Bankruptrex. More like, I suck."
The new drug, which stimulates the production of neurotransmitters in sync with the body's natural diurnal catecholamine rhythms—causing a more even mood level than the frequent "crest and trough" patterns associated with traditional psychoactive medicinal treatments—is something that "everybody will laugh at," Cafazzo said.
Among the reasons Cafazzo cited for Cyntrex's "totally doomed future" is BHP's inability to do anything half as well as its chief competitors.
"Prozac is so great," Cafazzo said. "We'll never make anybody as happy as Prozac does. I just know it."
Added Cafazzo: "My life is shit."
The release of Cyntrex is the latest bold move by BHP, which has increased its share of the mental-health drug market from 7 to 11 percent during the five years Cafazzo has been the company's CEO, causing many to view BHP as the rising giant in $150 billion pharmaceutical industry.
Cafazzo, however, questions the validity of such an appraisal. "Eleven percent? Oh, I'm sure. Like a company's really going to do that well with such a total fucking loser asshole for a boss."
"Maybe I'll get a raise," he said. "Then I can use the money to buy a gun to blow my head off."
According to reports, top BHP researchers began having doubts about the drug during the early development stages, when they realized they couldn't do anything right ever ever ever, and that none of the pharmaceutical-industry leaders cared whether they lived or died. But work on the project continued, despite BHP's growing conviction that Cyntrex would be the worst product in pharmaceutical history.
"We should have just stopped trying back then during the development stage," BHP lab assistant Peter Ayers said. "But, no, we had to go and make ourselves look like idiots in front of the whole world. Us and our lousy little pills both. Why?"
Ayers then began beating his fists into the sides of his head while staring at the floor, repeating, "Why? Why, why, why, why, why?" before being restrained by loved ones.
Fellow BHP researcher Harlan Downing said that, in addition to treating depression, Cyntrex may have numerous other uses. "There is a strong possibility," Downing said, "that the particular disinhibitors activated by Cyntrex may be of great benefit in the treatment of Alzheimer's Disease." He then admitted that the drug will not be ready for such use for some time, repeatedly hitting his forehead into a wall and gently mumbling under his breath.
BHP's chief rival in the mood-altering drug field is Stafford Labs, manufacturer of Prozac. Stafford CEO Margaret Curry expressed faith that Prozac would maintain its position despite the new competition.
"We will emerge triumphant, for I am Margaret Curry, president of Stafford Labs!" she said. "My power is as of 50 CEOs! My marketing savvy is as of a legion of PR firms! My tricyclic monoinhibitor is a boon unto the people and a beacon unto the nations! My new promotional campaign to enhance brand awareness and increase market saturation of Prozac shall be cloaked in radiant beams of persuasive glory."
------------
Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New
Antidepressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb.'
"So's Our Whole Stupid Company," Says CEO.
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he described as "a totally stupid waste of time that probably nobody will ever want ever."
Though from the outset, BHP had hoped the new medication would revolutionize the treatment of depression, Cafazzo is less than enthusiastic about its chances against such industry leaders as Prozac and Zoloft.
"Cyntrex? Yeah, right. More like, Stupidtrex," a visibly downcast Cafazzo told reporters. "More like, Another-Awful- Product-That-Will-Probably-Make-Us-All-Bankruptrex. More like, I suck."
The new drug, which stimulates the production of neurotransmitters in sync with the body's natural diurnal catecholamine rhythms—causing a more even mood level than the frequent "crest and trough" patterns associated with traditional psychoactive medicinal treatments—is something that "everybody will laugh at," Cafazzo said.
Among the reasons Cafazzo cited for Cyntrex's "totally doomed future" is BHP's inability to do anything half as well as its chief competitors.
"Prozac is so great," Cafazzo said. "We'll never make anybody as happy as Prozac does. I just know it."
Added Cafazzo: "My life is shit."
The release of Cyntrex is the latest bold move by BHP, which has increased its share of the mental-health drug market from 7 to 11 percent during the five years Cafazzo has been the company's CEO, causing many to view BHP as the rising giant in $150 billion pharmaceutical industry.
Cafazzo, however, questions the validity of such an appraisal. "Eleven percent? Oh, I'm sure. Like a company's really going to do that well with such a total fucking loser asshole for a boss."
"Maybe I'll get a raise," he said. "Then I can use the money to buy a gun to blow my head off."
According to reports, top BHP researchers began having doubts about the drug during the early development stages, when they realized they couldn't do anything right ever ever ever, and that none of the pharmaceutical-industry leaders cared whether they lived or died. But work on the project continued, despite BHP's growing conviction that Cyntrex would be the worst product in pharmaceutical history.
"We should have just stopped trying back then during the development stage," BHP lab assistant Peter Ayers said. "But, no, we had to go and make ourselves look like idiots in front of the whole world. Us and our lousy little pills both. Why?"
Ayers then began beating his fists into the sides of his head while staring at the floor, repeating, "Why? Why, why, why, why, why?" before being restrained by loved ones.
Fellow BHP researcher Harlan Downing said that, in addition to treating depression, Cyntrex may have numerous other uses. "There is a strong possibility," Downing said, "that the particular disinhibitors activated by Cyntrex may be of great benefit in the treatment of Alzheimer's Disease." He then admitted that the drug will not be ready for such use for some time, repeatedly hitting his forehead into a wall and gently mumbling under his breath.
BHP's chief rival in the mood-altering drug field is Stafford Labs, manufacturer of Prozac. Stafford CEO Margaret Curry expressed faith that Prozac would maintain its position despite the new competition.
"We will emerge triumphant, for I am Margaret Curry, president of Stafford Labs!" she said. "My power is as of 50 CEOs! My marketing savvy is as of a legion of PR firms! My tricyclic monoinhibitor is a boon unto the people and a beacon unto the nations! My new promotional campaign to enhance brand awareness and increase market saturation of Prozac shall be cloaked in radiant beams of persuasive glory."
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