The death of the Universe.

[Matthew Craig]

I am the final axe which will behead all of time...
And I am the stone inwhich the universe's face will grind.

In the destruction of this endless void,
A new era will of life will then be deployed.

There is no heaven and there is no hell.
All there is, is my thoughts and my will.

Pray unto me, and i might take you along.
But you better be able to sing me pretty songs.

This is the end, and the way of new birth.
For i am the destruction of little planet earth.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Not an in-depth critique, but my first thought when reading this was that poems where everything is fraught with portent and cute little near-rhyme couplets don't really go hand in hand.

 

[Matthew Craig]

To the moderator who edited out my post icon...

FUCK YOU!

 

[WickedEve]

What exactly was edited out? It says last edit of your post was by you.

Anyway, ever thought of trying a villanelle? That would be a great form for this poem.

 

[Zanzibar]

hmmm

What exactly was edited out? It says last edit of your post was by you.

Anyway, ever thought of trying a villanelle? That would be a great form for this poem.

I think he meant that little exclamation mark that shows up by the top of his title. I think he expected it to show up on the thread listing. Like the lil blue ? should be by mine.

I am the final axe which will behead all of time...
And I am the stone inwhich the universe's face will grind.

While fixing typos. you might consider adding a space between "in" and "which." You might also consider changing in to on, as you don't grind in a grindstone, you grind on a grindstone

 

[bluerains]

I am the final axe which will behead all of time...
And I am the stone inwhich the universe's face will grind.

In the destruction of this endless void,
A new era will of life will then be deployed.

There is no heaven and there is no hell.
All there is, is my thoughts and my will.

Pray unto me, and i might take you along.
But you better be able to sing me pretty songs.

This is the end, and the way of new birth.
For i am the destruction of little planet earth.

am feeling you need to add to what world you wish one to sing pretty songs to
before one would sing you such hymns...can you make a mocking bird sing...
of what realm of imagination are you traveling to in your next world....

 

[Guest]

I am the final axe which will behead all of time...13
And I am the stone inwhich the universe's face will grind. 15

In the destruction of this endless void, 10
A new era will of life will then be deployed. 12

There is no heaven and there is no hell. 10
All there is, is my thoughts and my will. 9

Pray unto me, and i might take you along. 11
But you better be able to sing me pretty songs. 13

This is the end, and the way of new birth. 10
For i am the destruction of little planet earth. 13
__________________

Hey, Matthew. Whatcha doing over here, GB guy?

If this is your work, I think it's great. I like to rhyme from time to time myself. What I would suggest (if you don't mind) is try to keep the syllable count consistent throughout in each couplet.

Two examples:

I am the final axe which will behead all of time...13
And I am the stone inwhich the universe's face will grind. 13

I'm the final axe that'll behead all the time, 12
the stone in which the universe's face will grind. 12
(I just took out some words, played around and tightened it up. Count each word- their syllables.)

In the destruction of this endless void, 10 <--add two 1 syllable words here
A new era will of life will then be deployed. 12

Maybe you could keep each line 12 syllables.

I'm not saying to change it, just wanting to help. It took me a while to catch on to this, but I'm having a harder time with free verse poetry. I prefer to rhyme over anything, but I like a good challenge. Try, try and try, and don't give up.

 

[Angeline]

To the moderator who edited out my post icon...

FUCK YOU!

Calm down. Nobody edited your anything here.

I agree with Lauren. You have a heavy subject/theme that you're delivering in a light structure. I think you'd have a stronger piece of writing if you put it in free verse instead of rhyme.

And you should be flattered. Eve doesn't suggest the villanelle to just anybody.

 

[Matthew Craig]

Thanks for the comments.
I'll see what i can do next time.
This was just for fun however.
I'm not like a serious poet or anything...

 

[Guest]

Not an in-depth critique, but my first thought when reading this was that poems where everything is fraught with portent and cute little near-rhyme couplets don't really go hand in hand.

I don't understand how one can be shot down whether rhyming in seriousness or not. It is the meaning, is it not? Maybe 'shot down' is a poor choice of words. But anyway, I think most people start out with rhyming, and do believe in free verse poetry it has a smoother flow when throwing in some rhymes. Just my opinion.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the comments.
I'll see what i can do next time.
This was just for fun however.
I'm not like a serious poet or anything...

Don't be silly, silly. If we all were famous poets, we wouldn't be here.

If we keep reading, and are willing to learn, there is hope. You never know what your future may bring.

 

[Angeline]

I don't understand how one can be shot down whether rhyming in seriousness or not. It is the meaning, is it not? Maybe 'shot down' is a poor choice of words. But anyway, I think most people start out with rhyming, and do believe in free verse poetry it has a smoother flow when throwing in some rhymes. Just my opinion.

Well you're right in that everyone has different tastes about what constitutes great--or even good--poetry, so these are all just opinions. If you look at a writer like Yeats, for example, who can do serious subject matter in verse or even work very subtle internal rhymes into the flow of the poem, your point is well taken. I think it's much harder to do that though because rhymed verse--or any poetry where you're working in a set structure--lends itself more easily to cliche. It's harder to be original in a rhymed or form poem. I think it's easier to start with free verse and work up to form poetry, but again that's my opinon...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I don't understand how one can be shot down whether rhyming in seriousness or not. It is the meaning, is it not? Maybe 'shot down' is a poor choice of words. But anyway, I think most people start out with rhyming, and do believe in free verse poetry it has a smoother flow when throwing in some rhymes. Just my opinion.

I don't quite understand what you are saying, or what you thought I was saying. To expand on my opinion, no, I don't think that "it is the meaning". Run-of-the-mill prose and newspaper articles may be "the meaning", but poetry, in my mind, is symbiosis between structure and content.

I didn't say anything about free-verse or about rhyme. I said that the type of content to which Matthew was aiming at is not served well by light-hearted near-rhyme couplets, without even any metric structure - as you pointed out. If he had used true rhyme within a tighter structure more adequate to the theme - a villanelle or a sonnet or a few dozen stanzas of terza rima - and my comment would have been different.

 

[sandj]

Not an in-depth critique, but my first thought when reading this was that poems where everything is fraught with portent and cute little near-rhyme couplets don't really go hand in hand.

I don't understand how one can be shot down whether rhyming in seriousness or not. It is the meaning, is it not? Maybe 'shot down' is a poor choice of words. But anyway, I think most people start out with rhyming, and do believe in free verse poetry it has a smoother flow when throwing in some rhymes. Just my opinion.

It seemed to me that the point Lauren was making had more to do with the rhyme scheme (couplets) than with the use of rhyme itself. Couplets traditionally have been used with witty, lighter subjects and satire. Alexander Pope, for instance, used them to great effect. But couplets are also unfortunately associated with doggerel ("Roses are red, violets are blue," that sort of thing, the stuff of greeting cards), and it's much harder to transcend that association.

The theme of the poem in question is quiet heavy and might benefit from a more complex form or perhaps a looser form, as both Eve and Angeline also suggested. It is not impossible to treat difficult themes in simple forms with simple rhyme schemes; it's just much, much harder to do well.

At least, that's what I took from Lauren's comment, and the comments of Eve and Angeline as well. Constructive criticism. Ladies, please feel free to clarify if I have (quite unintentionally) misrepresented any of you.

 

[Guest]

I think it's much harder to do that though because rhymed verse--or any poetry where you're working in a set structure--lends itself more easily to cliche. It's harder to be original in a rhymed or form poem. I think it's easier to start with free verse and work up to form poetry, but again that's my opinon...

Well, I do know this: rhyming with set structure can be very time consuming, and I believe more so than free verse. Although, I still find free verse difficult-- I refuse to give up. I remember sitting for 12 hours one time, and wouldn't budge until I got the darn thing right. Okay, well, I did, but that was only to get a bite to eat and feed my kids. Oh, I went to the bathroom too a couple times. I got a little obsessed with it (rhyming poetry), and realized I needed a break. All I did was write, write, write. It's hard at times when you have something on your mind you want to write about, having to pause during, and coming back then forgetting where you were at.

 

[Guest]

Ladies, please feel free to clarify if I have (quite unintentionally) misrepresented any of you.

It's okay, sandj! Everyone has their opinions, and it's up to the writer to figure out what s/he thinks is best. I just offered mine. No quarrels- just what I thought.

sal

 

[Angeline]

Well, I do know this: rhyming with set structure can be very time consuming, and I believe more so than free verse. Although, I still find free verse difficult-- I refuse to give up. I remember sitting for 12 hours one time, and wouldn't budge until I got the darn thing right. Okay, well, I did, but that was only to get a bite to eat and feed my kids. Oh, I went to the bathroom too a couple times. I got a little obsessed with it (rhyming poetry), and realized I needed a break. All I did was write, write, write. It's hard at times when you have something on your mind you want to write about, having to pause during, and coming back then forgetting where you were at.

I worked on my last sestina for over a month--and that's unusual for me; I usually write poems (even the form stuff) pretty fast. But I got up a lot.

And Sandj, two things: 1) we are absolutely in agreement and 2) your sample lyric (whiz man) cracks me up.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

It seemed to me that the point Lauren was making had more to do with the rhyme scheme (couplets) than with the use of rhyme itself. Couplets traditionally have been used with witty, lighter subjects and satire. Alexander Pope, for instance, used them to great effect. But couplets are also unfortunately associated with doggerel ("Roses are red, violets are blue," that sort of thing, the stuff of greeting cards), and it's much harder to transcend that association.

The theme of the poem in question is quiet heavy and might benefit from a more complex form or perhaps a looser form, as both Eve and Angeline also suggested. It is not impossible to treat difficult themes in simple forms with simple rhyme schemes; it's just much, much harder to do well.

At least, that's what I took from Lauren's comment, and the comments of Eve and Angeline as well. Constructive criticism. Ladies, please feel free to clarify if I have (quite unintentionally) misrepresented any of you.

That's absolutely correct. I have nothing against rhyme. My comment had to do with the rhyme scheme (couplets) and the weak approach to it. Light structures have been used effectively with dark and heavy themes many times, as pointed out, but I personally have never found any poem worth mentioning that tackled a dark subject using unmeasured couplets and rhymes that are not.

 

[Guest]

I worked on my last sestina for over a month--and that's unusual for me; I usually write poems (even the form stuff) pretty fast. But I got up a lot.

I guess I should be happy I didn't develop riods <ahem> at the time. I have a very comfortable cushion under my booty right now.








Don't take that too serious. Damn, my TMI mouth!