The Death of Love

[CarrotandStick]

Okay, I know this technically isn't a how-to, but it is an open question which I thought fits here with the 'helpful people' crowd. So here goes.

Is love dead?

I am very much the 'knight in shining armor' type, as those of you I have spoken with (very few) or read my signature (probably many more) can tell. And yet, at 21, the more I see of the dating world the more I start to believe that emotional connection is becoming less and less of an issue in searching for a prospective partner. I know very few people who are in relationships because they truly feel for their S.O. and many more who met their partner and thought "hey, she seems cool, let's give that a shot". I see relationships of convenience and immediate gratification, I see our highest form of intimacy as a human being made into sport (entertainment, I can deal with), and I weep that I will most likely never be a part of this world that I see spinning out of control around me simply because I chose higher values than most. I desperately try to believe that finding a lover, a soul mate, whatever, is still possible in today's world.
But that faith is slipping.

Thoughts?

"Hope is sorrow, hope is pain, but day after day I reach out in hope for the little red string that can save my soul..." - Me

 

[sunandshadow]

I think there are different kinds of love. I might love someone as a friend and regard having sex with them as a form of play which cements the bonds of friendship I might have a mad crush on someone and love them in an angsty poetic way which is artistically inspiring even if it's totally unrequited. I hope some day to combine the two in a requited way, which to my mind would = the truly madly deeply sort of love. But I do think it's silly to expect to fall in love with someone before getting to know them and sleeping with them.

 

[M's girl]

It might seem like it's not there anymore, but it is. Honestly. It used to be that people moved around in fairly small circles so my assumption is that a choice was less hard to make. Not that it was true and utter love all the time; there was still resentment and misery. Forced marriages and then having to stay with the one that was chosen for you.... But even then it was a matter of availability.

Nowadays we meet a 100 new people every day if we want to (or not sometimes); through work, social events and the internet. We have a 100 new flavours each day to choose from and because we can we want to try them all. It's human nature and makes us picky on the one hand but "easy" on the other hand, because we know there is always something we can possibly improve with a new love we quit relationships sooner in search of the perfect match instead of working on making things better with the one that we love. With one we can talk like with no other but the sex is lousy. With the other one we have great sex but they won't commit or even talk. I think many people are lost and will always be wandering. This makes for the quick and easy fix relationships you talk about.

But people like you (and me) will not fall into this trap. I think you have to define what it is in/from life you want and need first and then decide to live that life. Finding someone who has the same values is part of that deal you make with yourself first. After that you won't just jump into any relationship available and keep faith in the fact that you will find your soulmate one day.

That's what I have done and it worked. Are things perfect for us? Not always, but that's OK. We (M and me) are two different people. Most of our beliefs and values match and that is what's most important. And the things we don't agree on... well... we have to find a way into respecting each others choices and beliefs as long as we don't hurt the other one. I think we have come to a point where we know we are OK together. At least for now. Who knows what the next 20 years will bring, but we have faith in that we will spend it together.

Is true love dead? No way.... it's just harder to find these days, but if you do it's as true as it has ever been!

 

[SweetErika]

No, I don't believe love is dead, or even that rare. In the last decade or so, I've found a handful of new loves. Even though being partnered decreases the pool of candidates, a few of those loves have been during my current long-term, loving relationship (he knows, and supports this - we figure we can use all the love we can get).

In my experience, people who aren't optimistic about finding love generally have a much more difficult time experiencing it.

 

[silverwhisper]

i too believe it's alive and well, myself.

honestly, i believe that a lot of people are too scared (or scarred) for love and need some help giving themselves permission to see it when it's there, b/c the truth of it IMX is that love is scary for a lot of folks--it's a loss of control.

ed

 

[daringdarling]

You are not alone

I don't know if that helps any but you are not alone out there in your search, no matter what your values and desires may be. The tricky part is to find someone with the chemistry to match yours and light that spark but I believe it is possible as I have seen it work in the lives of those around me.

No relationship is perfect and every one requires mutual work and effort to keep that glow in there and alive.

I know some days it is more difficult to foster the hope and keep searching but honestly, if someone presented happiness on a silver plate just so to you, would it be still as valuable?

I have one more thought about the values you mentioned. I have decided for myself to follow certain standards, because they are what I believe to be right and they fit me, personally. Naturally, I am looking for a partner with similar values. And there are some rough days when I look around and see other people chosing a path that seems much easier at first glance and works for them just fine. But then I think, my future SO is somewhere out there, facing his own challenges, mastering them and maybe thinking of me, hoping for me and drawing strength to do so from the idea that I do the same. That I am out there, waiting for him, hoping for him and believing in him being or becoming someone I will be proud to call my partner one day. I know it may sound kind of weird, but it does help me as I regard a partnership as a way of teaming up with someone for life. The fact that I may not have met my teammember yet doesn't mean that I can't support him by living a life and making choices to make the other person proud. And I do believe that the reward of "true love" as you say, will be proportionate to the effort and the time invested into the process of creating it and allowing myself and the my other half to become the person who is capable of valuing and nurturing that.

I used to think it was so very unfair that I haven't found that kind of connection yet. I always knew I would treasure it once I did. But lately I am discovering that there may yet still be a lot be learned before I shall be mature enough to really appreciate and handle such a treasure. Time will tell.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts and worth only so much.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I admire people who have the balls to stick to their guns and don't compromise in things that are truely important to them.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Bobmi357]

Love is what you make of it. But from the sound you're suffering from unrealistic expectations.

Love isn't about some fairy tale romance. It's about finding someone you can connect with and be a friend to. It's about trusting someone so much that you can bare your soul and know they won't hurt you.

It's definitely not dead, but it also seems to me that the harder you search for it, the more it will elude you. Sit back, relax and enjoy life, that special person will come along in time and when they do, you'll know it.

 

[SimpleGifts]

I see relationships of convenience and immediate gratification, I see our highest form of intimacy as a human being made into sport (entertainment, I can deal with), and I weep that I will most likely never be a part of this world that I see spinning out of control around me simply because I chose higher values than most. I desperately try to believe that finding a lover, a soul mate, whatever, is still possible in today's world.
But that faith is slipping.

Thoughts?

"Hope is sorrow, hope is pain, but day after day I reach out in hope for the little red string that can save my soul..." - Me

Pardon me for being blunt, but if you're 21, how can you be so sure that you know what love really is? I didn't figure it out until my 30s (sadly, I had been married about 10 years by then).

I can't speak to whether love exists in the world of dating, but keep in mind that it's DATING. For the most part, from talking to my single friends, dating is primarily a means to meet as many people as you can and find one with whom you can feel compatible for at least a few weeks. One single friend said that she considers a "serious" relationship to be one where she and the man date exclusively for more than 2 weeks. I think that's pretty sad, but she says that most men she encounters flake out before then--and she applies pretty high standards before she'll go out on a first date. (As a man, I'd have to say that my impression of single women is not much better than her impression of single men. I believe that most have no clue what they're looking for and are then confused when they can't find it.)

As the ultimate indicator, I was struck by a recent item in the local paper. The paper runs a weekly "Date Lab" column, where two people are set up on a blind date and then are asked to give their perspectives on it. In about 20+ weeks that they've run this feature, only in one case did both the man and woman rate the date a 5. In most other cases, the people involved rated the date a 4...which to them meant that there was no potential.

The REALLY interesting thing was...the two who rated their date a 5 did not have a second date, as it turned out that both were already in serious long-term relationships. Huh?

Yet, for all that cynicism...I have experienced what I feel to be love in a truly pure form. I think THAT kind of love IS very rare, because it's counter-intuitive and non-linear and I don't think it's possible to understand how it happens until you've found a way to experience it. I believe that there are many flavors of love but that "true love" exists for anyone who is brave (or foolhardy) enough to do what it takes to find it. And I believe that seeking that kind of love, no matter how hopeless it seems, is the purpose for which we are all here. Even if you never quite find it...in most cases, it really IS about the journey.

SG

 

[Cathleen]

I don't think love is dead or can ever be dead. I think we are here to love and that there are infinite ways to love and types of love. However, you're speaking to that romantic love and while I think it's alive I think our fears get in our own way. We want it to be 'perfect' but from where did the idea of 'perfect' originate?

I know my concept of love has changed a lot thru years and experiences. I see love more easily now and I think that's due to expanding my concept. Love isn't perfect nor is it the mainsail of successful relationships, obviously it is an extremely important part of it but can't carry the entirety of it. I certainly believe it is the most important part but it isn't always enough to sustain any relationship. In some respects I think love in a platonic relationship might be able to hold a relationship together more so than in a romantic relationship -- and both (all) kinds are important to our well being.

Mostly we need to get out of our own way and let things reveal themselves in their own time.

I think. ; )

 

[CarrotandStick]

For the gift of Hope...

The thing I treasure most in life
Cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why
I will surrender to your advice
To change myself I'd rather die
Thought they will not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive​

I'm Alive - Disturbed​

Okay, that is some SERIOUSLY profound stuff. Even those with a constructive criticism, thank you from the bottom of my much fuller heart.
I'm off to save all this wisdom in a text file for later reference! Keep it coming.
Many, many thanks,
Daniel.

 

[Bobmi357]

I don't think love is dead or can ever be dead. I think we are here to love and that there are infinite ways to love and types of love. However, you're speaking to that romantic love and while I think it's alive I think our fears get in our own way. We want it to be 'perfect' but from where did the idea of 'perfect' originate?

I think. ; )

I think you can pretty much blame the media for the concept of "perfect". We have been bombarded with images, lyrics and stories about Prince Charming, or Miss Right. We have seen on TV movies and shows where a couple almost never fight for real, and neither couple ever gets seriously ill, or even wakes up with bad breath.

We've been brought up to believe in the knight in shining armor who rescues the damsel from the castle. People on TV and in media don't fart, they don't scratch their balls or belch. Letting off a massive ripper of a fart during sex doesn't happen on TV because they aren't real people.

It's probably a shame that this sort of exposure raises the bar for kids growing up. They arrive on the adult scene and become disillusioned because it's not perfect.

-Bob

 

[TBKahuna123]

Love isn't dead, but commitment is on the brink. Life-long love and commitment, til death do us part, that kind of thing is very rare in our day and age. Personally I think that just makes true love all the more strong and profound. I was at a mass yesterday for couples in our diocese who were celebrating marriages of 50 years and up. We were there because my wife's grandparents were married 60 years this year. When they asked the couples to stand for a blessing, over half the church stood. I was stunned! I knew there were a lot there, but this was increadible. Nearly 100 couples.

True love is especially tough for us "knight in shining armor" types. The reason simply is that most ladies have been burnt so many times they don't think we are for real. Hell it took my wife the better part of a decade before she 100% believed that I wasn't gonna switch on her and suddenly start being someone else. The assholes always make it tough on ther nice guys.

Don't give up hope yet though, because nothing worth doing is easy. It'll be tougher for you to find that true love, but once you do, it will be something special. That's the beauty of the position you are in. It's out there, just be ready when it comes along.

 

[taolanes]

ive been dealing with a new relationship that seems like such a great thing. a cute girl, ambitious, friendly, everything you would want. yet the same thing happens that always happens, which is that the sparks die a bit after a month and both sides just run away. the problem is, this same thing happens every single time yet i still make the same mistake over and over.

what im learning is that true love seems to be something real, but i am realizing that im too young or i rush it too much. if something comes handed to you at an early age and it gets completely handed to you after the third week, then how much could it truly mean? instead of giving up, i think im starting to realize that its out there but as anything in life that is important....it takes real effort to find and that is why it is worth it

 

[sunandshadow]

I think you can pretty much blame the media for the concept of "perfect". We have been bombarded with images, lyrics and stories about Prince Charming, or Miss Right.

Nah, it's older than that. Religion is full of stuff about perfect beings and perfect devotion, and at multiple points during history that paradigm has been coopted for purposes of romantic or courtly love. Or maybe it's the other way around, that people remember the extreme emotion of their first youthful crush and the awe of hero-worship and blend them together to imagine what it would feel like to see a god...

 

[Anora]

About Romantic Love

Above all, don't settle. Don't get attached because it's "time" or everyone thinks you should.

When you love, love with everything you have, then even if you lose it, you will remember it and go on. I lost it at 18. I am now 56, married and have three grandchildren. I'm sorry I didn't wait to find it again and took the it's time route.

I still dream (almost 40 years later) of that man and that love. You are only 21, wait.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

It isn't dead. I think it is rare though to find everything you want in one lover.

 

[midwestyankee]

It isn't dead. I think it is rare though to find everything you want in one lover.

So rare that it's nearly impossible.

 

[bobsgirl]

Too bad I already voted in this poll. I would answer differently today.