The 'children' chat

[aussie86]

Hi, im new to these forums so please bear with me, any help/advice will be greatly appreciated.

My current bf is the longest relationship i've been in and he's a bit older than me. Everything is going great and he's without doubt the best bf i've had.

By no means am I ready for kids or want kids at this stage but 6-8yrs down the track I'd love to start a family. The thing is by that stage I doubt my bf would really want kids.

How do I raise this topic with him without ruining anything that we have going now? And is there anyway to do it without offending him or making him think that I want them now when I definitely don't?

Any help/advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

[unregistered]

 

[wicked woman]

Instead of opening a 'children' only chat, why don't you broaden it to other important for compatibility topics - money (spend vs. save), religion (if different), where to live (city vs suburbs vs country) and your current city/town vs willingness to move, careers etc. They're all important topics when considering a long term relationship. Won't reduce the importance of the children discussion but will put it in a larger context.

 

[aussie86]

thanks for the advice i think i'll need some time to think it over

 

[fire_breeze]

The one thing I'll be able to suggest is what not to do. Don't spring it up.

A guy I was dating on-and-off a few years back sprung that question up on me. He said that we needed to talk (don't EVER say those words) - and popped the children question when I was expecting a "this is not going to work" or something along those lines (especially since we've had an argument).

If he started off by asking what I envisioned the future to be few years from now; if he asked me about the possibility of us being long-term (everything that wicked suggested), gently and not in a dramatic fashion, then I may not have dropped my glass and spat out my drink and almost shrieked "what?"

 

[subwannabe]

I think Wicked Woman had a great idea. This definitley needs talking about. Don't sweep it under the rug. It will only come back to haunt you later.

 

[StrayKat]

The one thing I'll be able to suggest is what not to do. Don't spring it up.

A guy I was dating on-and-off a few years back sprung that question up on me. He said that we needed to talk (don't EVER say those words) - and popped the children question when I was expecting a "this is not going to work" or something along those lines (especially since we've had an argument).

If he started off by asking what I envisioned the future to be few years from now; if he asked me about the possibility of us being long-term (everything that wicked suggested), gently and not in a dramatic fashion, then I may not have dropped my glass and spat out my drink and almost shrieked "what?"

I agree.
Aussie86, you are talking about period of 6-8 years. How do you know the subject will not come up by itself, without forcing it? Maybe he doesnt want children now but may change that in 6 years. It is a very touchy subject especially for the beginning of the relationship. Talking today about children you want in 8 years seems bit hasty to me.

 

[wicked woman]

I agree.
Aussie86, you are talking about period of 6-8 years. How do you know the subject will not come up by itself, without forcing it? Maybe he doesnt want children now but may change that in 6 years. It is a very touchy subject especially for the beginning of the relationship. Talking today about children you want in 8 years seems bit hasty to me.

I'm not sure I agree with this. I don't know the age of the OP...my guess is young...and that's the reason for the timeframe for children, but certainly if they're at the stage where they're serious and considering the possibility of a long term relationship, the children question needs to be addressed...if not before that...where the children are imminent or not. I don't know about anyone else but knowing that I definitely wanted to have children, I wouldn't have invested over 6 years of my life hoping that he wanted to have children or that he might change his mind.

 

[hatsoff]

It depends on how long this relationship is. Get one of your friends kids, preferably less than 1 year old, and introduce him/her as his child. There will probably a slight amount of attention in the air, but it will all pass whenever you tell him that you named the baby after him. If the baby is a girl then name the girl Nikole if his name is Nick, Alex if his name is Alex, and Edwardia if his name is Edward. After this name is established, then he will probably ask how this is possible. Tell him that you have been hiding the baby in your purse this whole time and it's just too big too keep in there now. He'll probably silent at this time, realizing what a great mother you are, having the the baby around you 24/7, with the addition of being a good gf, because you are thinking of how you didn't want to hurt his future by this unexpected incident. At this point, he will definitely hug you and be filled with joy at having such a great woman. This is where you will tell him it was all a hoax and he will not only be relieved but also want to try to make a baby with you straight away.

 

[Taler2003]

Do not do what hatsoff is suggesting. It's immature and men hate oblique hints and being pressured.

Instead do as JtohisPB suggested. Be forthcoming and address the topic directly, let him know how important it is to you, and find out why he feels the way he does. Perhaps try to make him see your pov.

If all this doesn't work, then you need to cut your losses and move on. I know women who have been in similar situation, and thinking he'll change his mind in a few years. He did not. It's a losing proposition. Do not wait for the time when you think you'll want children! This is an important issue that needs to be addressed ASAP, else you're looking at regrets in 10 years.

Also may I add that there are very real reasons for not wanting children, maybe he'll convince you of them, and it may all work out that way.

Edit: I only read the first few lines of hatsoff's post... Rereading it it's more obvious that it's a troll. Sighs.

 

[ImOnIt]

It depends on how long this relationship is. Get one of your friends kids, preferably less than 1 year old, and introduce him/her as his child. There will probably a slight amount of attention in the air, but it will all pass whenever you tell him that you named the baby after him. If the baby is a girl then name the girl Nikole if his name is Nick, Alex if his name is Alex, and Edwardia if his name is Edward. After this name is established, then he will probably ask how this is possible. Tell him that you have been hiding the baby in your purse this whole time and it's just too big too keep in there now. He'll probably silent at this time, realizing what a great mother you are, having the the baby around you 24/7, with the addition of being a good gf, because you are thinking of how you didn't want to hurt his future by this unexpected incident. At this point, he will definitely hug you and be filled with joy at having such a great woman. This is where you will tell him it was all a hoax and he will not only be relieved but also want to try to make a baby with you straight away.

It all depends on how long a child can hold its breath. Get one of your friend's kids, preferably not a teenager and put it in your pocket. Do not pass go, proceed directly to jail and confuse your beloved partner so hard he will turn around and ask 'What the fuck are you doing?'

Relax, he is only complimenting your imagination and theatric skills, he will totally agree with you.

Be delusional!! This may come naturally to you, or you can take drugs. Remember to take many, different types, and regularly refill often. He will definitely appreciate your tactful and sensitive special way of communicating whatever shit you cant even explain, but decide to act out with a baby-puppet and him as your audience.

Top up your wine, take more pills and tell him you were lying. Assuming he is exceptionally tolerant, he will still be presant at this stage. Apply makeup liberally across your face, sit in a pond with a rubber duck and sing arpegios with all the force you can muster.

???

Rest assured that you have done everything possible to bring him around to your point of view.

 

[aussie86]

Thanks everyone, I think I'll wait a while.

 

[Shadowann2]

I would not wait too long to have this talk if this is something that is important to you. My aunt and uncle got divorced because she wanted kids and he didn't. She thought he would change his mind, but he never did. Funny thing is, after they divorced and remarried, he had a kid before she did!

Another thing to keep in mind about waiting 6-8 years: don't put it off too long. There are many reasons for this, but please don't take this as me saying you should rush anything! Just remember that the physical demands of taking care of a child are much easier at 25 than they are at 35. Also, I've had several friends who put off having kids for a variety of reasons, only to discover, when they finally decided to start trying, that there were problems. One friend started trying at 32. Most docs tell you to try for 1-2 years before seeking tests and possible treatment. Long story short, she was almost 35 by the time she got pregnant through IVF. And they are not the only couple I know who had an experience like this. It happens quite a bit.

It has been my experience that if you wait for "the perfect time" to have a baby, it rarely happens. Usually, you just get to a point where you say, "This is as good as it's going to get!"