The Calling Game

[sirensiren]

I admit it; I don't like dating and all the games. I've read all the books but I still feel confused. Basically; The books say you shouldn't accept it if the man you're dating doesn't keep contact atleast several times a week.
The guy I'm seeing sometimes doesn't call for days, then I call and he acts normal and sets up a date.
I don't want to be the "princess type" who expects men to fawn over me and call me all the time. But in general, what calling rules do you guys have? And which ones should I stick too?
Should I dump a guy who doesn't call me for days? Is it a bad sign that I have to call him first?

 

[tanyachrs]

I hate those stupid rules. There shouldn't have to be rules. Forget man/woman/dating and put it in terms of people who are friends. "I have a friend who never calls me first but is friendly when I call." Could you live with that?

 

[sirensiren]

Well one of my oldest friends is like that, she rarely calls, unless it's birthdays etc, but she's always happy when I call and sets up a date...I know she cares we've been friends forever, she just doesn't initiate calls very often.
Actually I have another friend who does the same...hey! maybe it's me?...Now I'm getting worried,,,

 

[an_angels_wings]

Dating books and the like, I think, are sometimes okay if you want to get ideas or see what other guidelines and whatnot are out there ... because some people honestly just don't have the experience and sort of like to see what others have done and what works for them. Ultimately, though, you have to find out what works for you, and that's when most of the books get tossed out of the window.

If you don't like the fact that he doesn't call you and you have to call him ... you might want to bring it up casually. I mean, you ought to be able to have and get what you want out of a relationship. Granted, you may just be at the beginning of all the dating and relationship-type jazz, but it's still important to find that which you want. Receiving phone calls and the like, especially at the beginning, lets you know that you're wanted. Honestly, I'd talk to him about it (calmly, rationally, nicely, inquiringly) because there may be any number of different reasons. He might not be "that into you," but is interested enough to keep seeing you ... maybe he's not a phone person ... maybe he wants to know that you want him to call him. You know? There's lots of different things. But it's good to find out now whether or not your interest level is much higher than his is ... because then you can make the appropriate decision to either keep sorta' seeing him, or to move on and look for someone else to start seeing.

But yeah ... guidelines and dating rules and advice always ought to be taken with a grain of salt, because everyone's different. You may want your guy to call you three times a day, and you should get what you want in that he ought to call you, but you might have to make the compromise that it's only, like, once a day or something. You figure out what you want and make it work for the both of you so that you're both fairly satisfied. So, yeah ... talk to him about it, see how he reacts and what he says. It'll be worth it in that you'll learn something now instead of having to wait for something to surface/pop up later.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Here's my two cents on phone calls within a relationship....

It doesnt matter the frequency, so long as the rest of the relationship is solid.



Seriously though, there are times where I could talk all day and night on the phone with my guy. There are others where I dont think twice about not talking to him all week on the phone, let alone at all. I know where I stand with him, and I trust him to be honest with me in the end. Sometimes life gets in the way, and sometimes you just dont want to talk on the phone. Different day, different thing.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I think it really depends on how serious you see this relationship as, or how serious you want it to be. If you are in a serious exclusive relationship, then I could see how several calls a week might be a real expectation. If you arejust seeing each other non-exclusively, then a while between calls isn't really unexpected. Personally I've been accused of going the other direction in the past and calling too much.

It just depends on what you are looking for in your realtionship. I would say don't follow any rules, follow what you feel. If you feel he isn't calling you often enough, then he isn't. If it doesn't bother you, then fuck the rules.

 

[sirensiren]

Well in the beginning he was calling all the time, it was after a few dates that he stopped calling so much,...

 

[DrHappy]

I don't think that this necessarily means anything bad. Maybe, but not necessarily. Has he gotten busier at work, or has something else in his life gotten busy? Life happens.

How often do you call him? During my dating days, I appreciated it when a girl called me sometimes during the early part of the relationship. It verified to me that she was interested in me. It also verifies to the guy that you enjoy phone calls. Some people seem to only tolerate phone calls. Some people love to chit chat on the phone about anything.

 

[tanyachrs]

My basic rule of thumb is to treat him the way the guy I want to be with would want to be treated and to expect him to treat me the way I want to be treated. So if my idea of a great guy is someone who wants to talk on the phone every day, then I'll call him if he doesn't call me or ask him to call more often. And if that's too "clingy" for him, then he's not the guy I want to be with. (Actually, I hate having to talk on the phone every day, but this is illustrative.) There's no point in pretending to enjoy some behavior that you don't actually enjoy because when it works you end up with some guy you don't really want to be with.

BTW, there was no "right" answer to my first question. We're all built differently. It's not required for you to be annoyed by something that would annoy someone else. That's why those rules are stupid. Go with what matters to you. Let the rest slide.

 

[sirensiren]

I just don't like the incontinuity of his actions. It's like a defect sprinkler, lots of contact, then nothing, then some more. I don't like it. I think I will break it off. The only thing I can think of is that 1: he thinks he's already won me over
or 2 he's not that interested but wants to keep me around "in case"

Both of which shows an attitude I do not want in a man.