The best ways to dominate.

[Lancecastor]

With a few people squealing at my becoming more active here recently, it got me to thinking that a lot of "regular" folks are often taken aback when I choose to dominate a situation.

Of course, there are several dominant personalities here, including a few who are experimenting with dominance, like our Mod, MissT.

So I thought a discussion about how you dominate might be fun.

To start things off....

I have a Rule of 3's that I use in most situations to assert my position...this trine applies to business negotiatons, conversations, sex, most everything.

In terms of disciplining people, be they subs or those who cross me, I treble the inconvenience....so an insult gets a minimum of three in return, often more.

Failing to follow instructions properly results in three times more work, punishment, time, whatever's on the table.

Different people react differently to this, but I find it most often gets me what I want.


How do you dominate?

 

[HoHoBomb]

Dear Lance,

I find your rule of three to be very helpful. Could you give me some pointers of how you use this in business negotations.

kG

 

[Netzach]

Casual observer who missed all the evident fracas am I:

you seem less in control of said situation and more in its throes, being the person least able to let it go.

But what the hell would I know?

As for how I do what I do I wait and watch. People spill a lot when you listen and shut up and then you are able to surprise them with it later on.

 

[MissTaken]

*taking notes*

I admit I am just learning and can use all the help I can get.

So, come on Dom/mes? What are some of the ways you exert your Dominance?

 

[Richard49]

*taking notes*

I admit I am just learning and can use all the help I can get.

So, come on Dom/mes? What are some of the ways you exert your Dominance?

not by being a bully as two
people have been here
and to whom you caved into

 

[Lancecastor]

Dear Lance,

I find your rule of three to be very helpful. Could you give me some pointers of how you use this in business negotations.

kG

One easy thing to remember is that 3 is an important number in most every culture, religion and motivational technique...it's a powerful number.

So...if you want something, you should ask for it three times. If you don't receive a "yes" by the third ask...you must withdraw completely.

In Public Relations, all media training tells you to stick to a maximum of 3 messages.

When estimating a price, work out what you think is fair, then triple it.

 

[FungiUg]

Okay, ignoring the jibes at MissT, I'll tackle the question seriously.

Dominance is not something you do, it's something you are. It's an internalisation.

You don't have to show or prove your dominance, you simply are... well... dominant.

For example, in the case of the "insult", I can ignore, followup on, laugh, whatever. I don't lose control. I am in control. I have enough control that I can choose how to best respond at the time. And that can depend on many factors (social situation, person involved, so on.)

I can use techniques such as stonewalling (when I am like a rock, and anything you say or do doesn't effect me), logic, facilitation, and so on. Because I am confident enough of my own dominance, I need not flaunt it or throw it in peoples faces.

So my "dominance" is simply an expression of a core part of myself. I let it out to play mostly in sexual situations with a submissive (where it has true reign), but yes, I can be dominant in other ways also.

The most important thing is that I have nothing to prove. I don't need to take my dominant side out and wave it about to be recognized. I know what I am.

Okay... to answer the other way of looking at the question -- when I need to take charge of a submissive (i.e. when I am "a Dominant" vs when I am dominant.)

I tend to be rather cerebral. I plan ahead, I know pretty much what I am going to ask for, what I want, what I am going to do, and I have thought out scenarious of how it will play out.

Part of this is just externalising my fantasies (which is how I got into BDSM in the first place!) Part of it is my nature. Part of it is a deliberate effort so that the submissive isn't left hanging while the "dominant" makes up his sodding mind what he wants to do with her!

Generally I will just state what I want, expect -- using a no nonsense "I am expecting instant obedience" tone. Also I tend to drop my voice into the baritone registers, rather than my normal tenor. Er, that's not deliberate, just something I have noticed I do.

Also, I tend to limit my emotional expression. Kind of like a facade of "do what I say, slut!" over the grinning little boy going "woo hoo!"

I will play mind games, go for shock value and so on. But that's basically my dominant style.

I will allow for time out... and usually that's signalled by a change in tone and attitude.

 

[FungiUg]

In Public Relations, all media training tells you to stick to a maximum of 3 messages.

Similarly, when presenting, an effective presenter will limit the number of things they present at one time. Between three to seven is the optimal range. More than seven the human brain generally has problems assimilating in one gulp. Less than three and it seems empty.

 

[Pure]

One dominates another if one can continue to engage them (get responses) while oneself remaining unpredictable.

 

[FungiUg]

One dominates another if one can continue to engage them (get responses) while oneself remaining unpredictable.

Hmm. I will agree there is some truth to that. However, it's also possible to dominate and be predictable. Is there a difference between dominance and control?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think there is a great difference between dominace, control and bullying.

Bullying is pushing people against their wishes to do something which they do not want. Ignoring everyone wishes, hurting people feelings and not giving a shit about it.

Francisco.

 

[HoHoBomb]

a few thoughts

what drives a bully is fear!

Do Subs evolve into Doms?

 

[FungiUg]

Re: a few thoughts

what drives a bully is fear!

Do Subs evolve into Doms?

Hmmm... from my experience, what drives a bully is "power", and fear is their method of acheiving that.

I don't use fear as part of my dominance.

Some submissives evolve into dominants, and vice-versa. Perfectly healthy behaivour there.

 

[HoHoBomb]

Re: Re: a few thoughts

Hmmm... from my experience, what drives a bully is "power", and fear is their method of acheiving that.

I don't use fear as part of my dominance.

Some submissives evolve into dominants, and vice-versa. Perfectly healthy behaivour there.

i believe that there is a difference
between a bully and a dom.

the difference is that the bully is afraid and powerless; the way to achieve power is to invoke fear in others.

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: Re: a few thoughts

i believe that there is a difference
between a bully and a dom.

the difference is that the bully is afraid and powerless; the way to achieve power is to invoke fear in others.

Let's just say that some of the "dominants" I have seen resemble bullies, but in a perfect world, yes you are right. (all my less than humble opinion, of course.)

 

[Lancecastor]

Re: a few thoughts

what drives a bully is fear!

Do Subs evolve into Doms?

MissT did...


I guess if Richard49 calls people "bullies" long enough, some of you will believe it, whether it's true or not.

In my view, R49 is a very unhappy puppy...unhappy about his love life, unhappy about his health, unhappy with the VA.

And those are all unfortunate things.

However, they really have nothing to do with my freedom to articulate my opinions and participate on Lit. I like being a Lit member and obviously I must be participating within the Rules, because my posts are untouched, my threads are widely read and I generally stimulate discussion on most any topic I weigh in on.

I'm a happy, healthy, intelligent person with an active and interesting life. As it happens, I enjoy a good discussion and yes, I DO go looking for good discussions wherein I will provoke, cajole, spar, mug, thrash, persuade, flatter...whatever it takes to enjoy myself as a masterdebater.

Some are indeed intimidated or offput by my style, tactics, capabilities, attitudes, opinions....I see that as their issue, not mine.

If R49 thinks of me as a bully and wants to whine about me like a schoolgrrl...groovy. It's a free country.

I still like and respect him...and wish he'd find himself a woman before his MaudlinFactor goes redline.

 

[Pure]

I said,

One dominates another if one can continue to engage them (get responses) while oneself remaining unpredictable.


Fungi said,


Hmm. I will agree there is some truth to that. However, it's also possible to dominate and be predictable.

It would seem so, but there are nuances of this issue. For instance, suppose there is a rule that raising one's eyes is punished by whipping. The 'sub', often feels ignored and then raises her/his eyes and gets whipped-- experienced in part as satisfying and getting attention. Well it seems she is partly in control, and getting what she wants, though not entirely on her own terms.
Is she 'dominating'? If so, it's possible because of the dom's predictability.


Is there a difference between dominance and control?

I think 'control' is a broader concept, but I don't see how a dominant of B could NOT control the important things B does.

We do of course have the term 'control freak', which is recognizably broader that 'dom/me'. I wonder why. I suppose it's because some CFs are fairly underhanded or whiny. Also we suspect their motives. A CF who simply says, "It shall be this way," whose motive isn't fear, but an instinct to make his/her will prevail, does sound like a dom/me. In my opinion.

 

[replicant]

No Dom is ever completely in control no matter what their ego may lead them to believe. A sub offers her/himself to the Dom and *allows* themselves to be Dominated. No matter what any Dom says, a sub is the most powerful person in the relationship if followed in true Ds style.

Domination is simply an exercise in control over any and all given situations with proper perspective understood. It's main characteristic is the honor in which it is practiced. Some believe in Ds equality, while other strictly enforce the DOM-sub lifestyle. When a Dom starts to genuinely "Bully" their sub they lose true Dominance and fall into the borderline category of Sado-Masochism. This due to the fact that they are no longer mutually controlling some, but rather dictating events for their sole gratification.

Dominance is born within all people, then it is experience that truly allows them to shine. A sub who crosses over to be a Dom will always be a better Master/Mistress than a purebred Dom as the purebred lacks the humility needed to understand the pain/love/discipline that the are trying to instill into their subject.

I was a sub for 3 years and have been a practicing Dom for almost 10 years now. I have always favored the side of mutual respect and loyalty to my sub or Mistress. Too many people in the Ds lifestyle forget that this cooperation and understanding is necessary for a healty Dom-sub relationship.

Through pain we see what pleasure contains and through education we can sincerely feel them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: a few thoughts

I'm a happy, healthy, intelligent person with an active and interesting life. As it happens, I enjoy a good discussion and yes, I DO go looking for good discussions wherein I will provoke, cajole, spar, mug, thrash, persuade, flatter...whatever it takes to enjoy myself as a masterdebater.

Some are indeed intimidated or offput by my style, tactics, capabilities, attitudes, opinions....I see that as their issue, not mine.

I tend to disagree with the happy, healthy, intelligent assessment of yourself as I have previously posted in relation to my concerns about your emotional/mental welfare from a professional viewpoint and the evidence you present in abundance. Happy, intelligent, healthy people do not usually focus all their energy on disrupting the lives of as many people as they can, then delight in the fracas they have instigated....they usually have intelligent conversations and act in respectful ways which reflect a desire to understand and tolerate others, and to see everyone as happy as they are themselves. That is not what I get from you and your postings ever.

I think you confuse debate with harass as from what I see you try to subjugate your opponents by your overbearing methods. As to being a 'Masterdebater', I think your ego is in it's normal mode of overdrive and you are wanking yourself way too much. My understanding of debate is focus on the subject and backing your arguments with informed, intelligent points, not attempting to force your opinion down the throats of anyone and everyone in whatever method it takes and irrelevant of whether you know what you are talking about or not.

Catalina

 

[Lancecastor]

Re: Re: Re: a few thoughts

I tend to disagree with the happy, healthy, intelligent assessment of yourself as I have previously posted in relation to my concerns about your emotional/mental welfare from a professional viewpoint

Catalina

Apparently I scrolled right past the posts with each of your credentials and diagnostic reports, respectively.

Damn shame about that, Doctor Catalina.

Funny...your PM's to me are totally different than this last post...was it something I said?

 

[soapstar]

edited for a good reason.

 

[Netzach]

Replicant:

I tend to agree with your theory on a personal level. I certainly prefer to have my ass reddened by someone who's been there and find people completely opposed to the idea far too rigid as Tops. For my tastes.

However, the person who's been a sub is a better Dom *for you* it's not a universal truth or a blanket. For some people the Dom who has been a sub would be unthinkable as a Dom, a stance I find mystifying, but hey, it works for them.

I also don't find SM a fringe scary thing to sweep under the rug. I think it's a completely legitimate pursuit, and I find it simply laughable when D/s folks look down on people who do painplay. Or, even weirder, people who do painplay for the sake of painplay rather than "training" or "enlightenment" or "growth"

Hurting the willing makes me wet, I don't need to pass it off as anything it aint.

 

[Pure]

Hi Replicant,

There's not much I agree with in your post, as far as concepts go, though your experience is interesting. I agree there has to be a measure of cooperation, 'normal' time in ongoing relationships--no whips or shackles. I agree further that 'both sides of the fence' makes for better understanding.

Your opening para however, I do not agree with:

//A sub offers her/himself to the Dom and *allows* themselves to be Dominated. No matter what any Dom says, a sub is the most powerful person in the relationship if followed in true Ds style. //

The most powerful person--defined as the one who's calling the shots, whose will is prevailing-- is by definition dominant. If indeed your self-said subs have predominant power, they are dominating. Ironically, this would mean that your history, if it follows your own ideas, is not 3 years subbing, 10 years domming, but probably 3 years dominating, and 10 years being dominated.

That's how I see it, ymmv.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I just sort of wing it, you know? I don't have a plan or a method, I just feel the energy of a situation and react accordingly. As far as a plan of discipline...seems a bit too reactive for me. I would prefer to be proactive, and head off problems before they becaome an issue. I give my sub a certain tone of voice, a certain look, and she corrects herself.

 

[Lancecastor]

It's interesting to see so many dominants here who find Replicant's p.o.v. unusual or contrary to their thinking...because the train of thought that says there can be no Dominance without a willing submissive and his/her consent & limits is a standard and well-known one.

Submission is a gift from the submissive to the D, just as dominance is a gift to the sub...you can't have one without the other, no matter what the Internet Doms might post.