Thanks for any feedback on this...

[PaulX35]

Dear folks,

I submitted a story for the Holiday Story contest. Comments appreciated, so don't hesitate please


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=71893

Paul

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Wow. I really enjoyed this story. I wouldn't normally read non-consent (just not my thing, I guess), but I thought that this was excellent. The twists in the story kept me guessing and kept me reading. The one question I have about the plot is that I can't imagine a guy, even a mean ruthless guy like Fred in a situation like that not enjoying sex, and having an "undesired orgasm." Speaking personally, I never met an orgasm I didn't like, and I can only dream of big-breasted Scandinavian types...

As to the writing and technical side, I don't have much to suggest. It is certainly WAY better than I could do in Dutch! There are just a couple of things that jarred slightly...

“And there’s a time to make money, and a time to spend it, not?”
This rhetorical question doesn't really work. It would be better to say "a time to spend it, no?" or "a time to spend it, is there not?"

"But a landing was not the same as a decent standstill."
It could be because I'm not a skier. Or you've used the wrong words. Either way, I have no idea what is going on here.

"Ingrid threw her large breasts out with defiance."
I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest about this sentence, and other critics may well disagree with me. Gramatically it is accurate, there is just something about the language that grates. Maybe she shouldn't "throw" her breasts, or maybe she should take them out "defiantly." Maybe it is the combination of the throwing and the defiance... not very helpful, I know!

That's about all. I've deliberately spoken about the things I didn't like, but they really weren't that significant. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the read and gave it a five.

Cheers,

Eros

 

[the_bragis]

veel geluk!

Hello PaulX35,

Like Eros, I normally wouldn't enjoy a non-consensual story much either, but of course this one is very different from the typical man or men forces woman to have sex senario.

You know I am such a sick little bunny, I simply loved reading about how smug Fred Mc had the tables turned on him by cool and sexy Ingrid. I enjoyed it the first time I read it, and I enjoyed it just as much again today.

You have a big fat five from me too.

I wish you well with the contest.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

 

[PaulX35]

Thanks!

Eros, Alex,

Thanks a lot for your comments.

I have no idea how the contest will be decided, but interestingly something is happening with this story that Alex already predicted: it's being voted down, and possibly because it's not appealing to the male ego?

I received over 25 positive personal feedbacks on this story so far. Nearly all from women, more than I ever had on any story I wrote, and invariably very positive. Despite that, the story scores only 3,98 average so far.

It btw also got over 12,000 reads so far; in that respect it pays off to post for a contest.

Paul

 

[Guest]

Very good Paul!

I too enjoyed the interesting "twist" in the story. Something I've been trying to do with all of my as of late. I like the style...(not always the story book, anticipated...guessed ending).

It's nice to see another author stretch his self, use some imagination and create a wonderfully erotic, "thrilling" story with plenty of surprises. I think erotic should be that.

You accomplished that task my friend. Very well done.

Thesandman

 

[kristydoll]

Congrats on the story!

The writing is well done - not much to get picky about.

My only comment would be (since the writing is down) to try to stay in "one head". That is usually the hardest thing for me to do - but also one of the best bits of advice I have ever received.

Good luck in the contest.

kristy